July 27

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting recently and they both noticed huge changes in Sarah's overall language and connection with people. Yay! 

Sarah has been asking for elephant pajamas for forever because she loved the ones that used to be hers and then were Amy's and now fit neither of them. To Sarah's delight, Grandma took her to the fabric store to pick out elephant fabric and sewed some pajamas for her. 

At one point Sarah asked Grandma to go to the potty with her, then Sarah leaned over and kissed Grandma on the head. So sweet! Sarah has loved having Grandpa here too and asks for him every time the door opens.

I am noticing that Sarah comments more on the books we read. Her comments seem a bit more original and observant than sometimes in the past. I also notice that she is stuttering more and I'm not sure why. Maybe she can't keep up with her increased ideas or maybe something else is going on internally. It is mostly that she will get stuck repeating a certain word. For example, "Want to go go go go go go go outside." I am attempting to stay neutral or hopeful about this rather than panicky or annoyed, though those feelings are certainly there sometimes.

Sarah has mastered the trampoline bar flip. She had figured it out a while ago but then hadn't done it for several weeks. Evidently, she and Amy were doing flips side by side yesterday while I was at my Alexander Technique class. 

Sonia and I have started doing joint sessions more often, mainly in an attempt to help Sarah with her "hit Sonia" comments and actions. In the first session, Sarah was very upset after an attempted hit. She wanted to leave and sat on my lap (as I blocked the door) crying for 20 minutes. Then her attention cleared and she snacked and talked to both of us easily. The next session had a little hitting talk but less so and with less upset (however, at the beginning when I told Sarah we were going in the SR room with Sonia she gave a sudden angry look at both of us, as if she was mad at Sonia and mad at me for suggesting such a situation). The third session involved no mention of hitting and no attempt at hitting. We played for 25 minutes with the same toy, with 3 person connection and with evolving ideas that came from Sarah's suggestions. Wow. Totally awesome. We were playing with foam shapes creating food, pretending we had variously shaped whistles, and throwing frisbees.

The newest dynamic that I am working with is Sarah putting every toy or game in her mouth. This means that I put it away and she either screams and cries for several minutes or just protests a little and then repeats with the next game. I realized while talking with Carl that I may have contributed to this seeming interesting because of my own frustration. In the SR room it is easier for me to be calm but firm. Outside the SR room when we are doing an art project and she is attempting to put paint or buttons in her mouth, I definitely get frustrated and yell at her a bit. I think for the time being I will just stop doing art projects until this phase passes. It definitely seems to be a dynamic of her testing me and testing boundaries....I just tried a return to my more relaxed and less firm consequences when Sarah was putting pieces from a matching game in her mouth. I tickled her and told her I knew she knew how to pretend. The moment of her trying to put the pieces in her mouth passed quickly. So maybe that is the way to go in the SR room too. 

The reading for my Alexander Technique class had a paragraph that is perfect for me. From Indirect Procedures by Pedro de Alcantara, "Most people associate their mental conception of power with a certain feeling of tension in the muscles of the body. If the feeling is absent, so will be the perception of power....To play loudly the average pianist....creates tensions within himself, then he fights against these very tensions, believing all the while that he is merely using the force needed to play loudly." This is sooooo good. I think this is probably what I do in most parenting moments where I get tense or angry, I create tension and then fight against it in order to feel powerful and in control and as if I know what I am doing. 

I wish you all easy movement and easy being.

July 19

I went to Zumba Monday night because Carl was well enough to take over with the girls. At one point in class, the instructor said, "Come on, you can do better than that!" In theory she said that to be motivating. Normally she doesn't say stuff like that. I noticed my thought, "you can't talk to me like that! No one can talk to me like that except myself!" What?!

I went to Zumba on Wednesday and had one of my favorite instructors, favorite in part because she seems so kind and joyful. I was reminded how much more motivating joyful encouragement can be.

I have started doing 2 hour sessions with Sarah more regularly. For a variety of reasons I haven't done so  for quite a while. I was still going in the room, but not for 2 hours. The recent sessions have felt easy, fun, and like they are effectively moving us towards our goals. On Thursday I did roughly 3 hours and it felt easy to be in there for so long. Sarah has been connected to me for at least 90% of the time. Holy moly!! My current intention is to do more sessions that are longer, maybe 4-5 days a week getting in there for 3-4 hours straight. I think it will be easier to do it all in one chunk because once we finish it can be harder to get both of us back in the room. I have also started tracking the SR room hours again because I think it actually did help motivate me to be in the room more and when I am in the room more I feel better about our program overall. I also think it could be useful to have the time documented for homeschooling purposes.

Speaking of homeschooling, the paperwork has been mailed! I will call next week to find out if it was received and if there is anything more I need to do. Mailing the paperwork nudged me into a tailspin of panic over our program, feeling like we aren't getting enough hours. That is why I started increasing my own hours in the room. What is the one thing I have the most control over as long as I have help with Amy? Getting my own rear in gear. And the more I am in the room then the more effective I feel when observing and giving feedback to my volunteers. The more I am in the room the more effective I feel in helping Sarah learn and thrive. 

I was thinking about what big ups and downs I experience and how helpful it is to have my pit crew to listen to me and help me back on my feet. My primary pit crew includes Carl, my mom, Sonia, and M. Thank you pit crew!! They witness all my grand ambitions and my panicky wobbles. They help dust me off, mop my brow, and send me back in with renewed vigor. I feel like a race car driver or a boxer, and when I rise it is with increased love, ambition, hope, and determination. Perhaps I am in the boxing ring with my own judgments and fears. 

I've been thinking more about what I need to keep myself ready, refreshed, and focused for going in the SR room. I want to start making more of my choices with that as my underlying motivation.  The main things that keep me from going in the room are fatigue and burn-out. So, I will have more of a priority on sleep and I will increase my appreciation of my breaks, such as when I go to zumba. Instead of seeing them as indulgences I will see them as essential ingredients to our program. Same with reading books just for me. Or relaxing on the sofa with my husband and cat while watching a movie. Essential. I can feel how internally I think I am joking as I write that, but I really mean it and want to remember it. 

May you all have the support you need to be on your best feet for whatever you most want to do with your lives. 

July 13

This past week was very low key. Sarah got sick Tuesday night and it was only yesterday that she started eating almost normally again. She was up and about most days but not with her usual vigor. There were still some good play sessions but we also spent a lot of time on the couch reading or watching Dora or Donald Duck. I have always loved Donald, in part because of his lack of perfection and his temper. I am trying to remember this when Sarah is in a screamy mode or when I have more of a temper. 

Notably, Sarah has a renewed interest in the early math elephant game that involves different mats for sorting the elephants in different ways. She spent 45 minutes with G. playing with the elephants in all sorts of ways. She spent time playing with the elephants with Amy and me, joining an activity already in progress. She spent time on her own sorting the elephants on the color sorting mat. So many things can seem so natural as to be of no consequence when we finally get there, but it is really huge that Sarah continues to learn and grow over time, returning to old toys with new focus and understanding. Perhaps the miracle is that all of us continue to learn, grow, and change as we do.

Twelve years ago today Carl and I married each other.

Unfortunately, Carl has now gotten whatever Sarah had so our anniversary plans have changed. I had planned a few meals out and we will reschedule those. We were going to be out for breakfast this morning but instead I am in my office, Carl is resting, and one of my fabulous sitters is with the girls.

In response to my last update, a friend asked if I ever wondered what having Sarah brought into my life that I wouldn't have had otherwise. I know I have thought about this in the past, but I appreciate the suggestion to think about it again....I have been thinking a lot in general about my life and Sarah because sometimes I resent and resist it so much and I envy my friends with "normal" kids. Then I wonder about the point of life and having kids. I think when I resist my situation it is because I am thinking I'm not getting what I wanted from having kids. But I am. I have a loving connection with two amazing girls. I get to snuggle with them and read to them and watch short movies with them. I get to eat pizza with them, as long as it is non-traditional pizza that I make myself. We get to go on adventures, do art projects, and play together. Even with Sarah's eating situation, we still get to enjoy food together. I get to go on vacation with them.  I get to go to work and go on dates with Carl. Certainly there are some things I don't get to do, yet, and that are harder or different than more "neurotypical" situations. But overall, is there really something I am missing? I don't think so.

Having Sarah as she is has meant stretching myself in more ways than I knew possible. I have become a much better cook, and a much more creative cook. I have reconnected with the Option Institute. I have become connected with amazing people who give their love and creativity so generously to my family that I get teary whenever I think of it. I have gotten much better at asking for and receiving help. I write. My whole family eats more healthily than we otherwise would have. We found our current house, which we love, in part because we wanted a space that would work for a Sarah-Rise room. We have Amy. If Sarah had been "typical" then we probably would have had a second child sooner and then that might not have been Amy. I have a much closer connection to Sonia than I might otherwise have had. It is amazing that she and I can have so many coexisting relationships and still like each other! I have gotten to see and fully appreciate amazing support from friends and family. Not all families with kids with special needs have such support. Not all families in general have such support. Do I wish things were easier and could become more "typical" tomorrow? Sure. But perhaps then I wouldn't be so aware of the love with which I am surrounded. Perhaps I wouldn't be so aware of how deeply incredible some people are. I certainly wouldn't want to give up knowing the people I now know. If things were easier and "typical" from the start, I might not have appreciated the ease that is Amy. Certainly parenting is an incredible challenge and source of growth for anyone on the journey and I have hugely challenging moments with Amy, but there are some moments that are so easy as to be laughable because of the contrast. And sometimes Sarah is the easier one. It is all relative moment to moment. I don't think I could design a better life situation than this one for challenging my foundations of belief and attitude and giving me the opportunity to really be who I dream of being. (Remind me of this in a few hours when I am feeling like a tub with no water who wants desperately to eat a pound of chocolate and not have screaming children asking me for things.)

I often notice myself thinking that "once things get back to normal then..." in terms of our routines or schedule. Maybe there is no such thing. There is a slight routine to which we gravitate but there are always variations and changes. Always. 

I have added some post-its and one of them is "what is the next tiny step towards your dream life?" This one almost always helps me shift instantly into a little bit more joy because it reminds me that I have the freedom to change many things. One tiny change is to make more time to read books just for me. I recently picked up the novel I started months ago and I felt as if I were a dying plant suddenly receiving water. I want to take note of those things that are water for me and include them in my daily life. There seems to be such a focus in society on being productive but what if our most important task of productivity is to take excellent care of our selves? Of our minds, bodies, and souls? What one will do with one's time is irrelevant when one gets sick and the only task is to get well. What if maintaining wellness for myself and my family was my first goal and every thing else was secondary? 

I hope you are all well and receiving the water on which you thrive.

July 8

This past weekend we had a small vacation with several relatives at a lake house. It was lovely. And a bit stressful. I am realizing that at this point most of my vacations will be a mix of both. The girls are getting more independent so some things are easier and feel safer and some things feel more challenging. Sarah loves doors and so often tried to leave out the back door to the lake house (away from the water). I don't think she was actually going anywhere, but I still felt like we had to be vigilant because she can be so silent and speedy as she moves from one location to another.

Highlights from our trip... 

When Sarah saw one of her relatives she said, "Hi, S." We know her greetings are getting to be amazing, but to greet someone by name takes it to yet another level. She hasn't seen S. in almost a year.

We saw fireworks from a boat. Sarah loved the whole thing, especially pretending to drive the boat. Amy tried valiantly to stay awake but fell asleep right before the fireworks started and couldn't be roused. She slept in my arms, in her life jacket, so soundly that I was able to step off the boat and carry her to bed, take off the life jacket and her sweatshirt, and tuck her into bed without her batting an eyelid. 

Carl took the girls out in a kayak. The girls shared the front seat and Carl was in the back. The girls each took turns attempting to paddle. This was one of the cutest things I have ever seen. Carl took them via water over to a nearby beach. The next day they did the same thing in a paddle boat and even got snow-cones. Sarah's was snow flavored. 

Carl took Sarah on the jet ski, at her request, for a very short, gentle ride.

During our long drives Amy had a bit of a hard time, as usual. Carl came up with many wonderful, simple games to play. Sarah participated some. I came up with a hard game of singing songs that corresponded to each letter of the alphabet, so that a word in the title started with the letter we were on. This meant that Carl and I had to make up some songs because with some letters Amy would say, "oh, oh, I know! I know a word that starts with ___" and she would give us a word but sometimes we didn't know a song with that word. Amy didn't actually sing any song for this game. She saved her singing for when we had music playing, which meant we listened to two tunes at the same time. Amy also made up a wonderful song about waiting at a stop light, but when we tried to record it we were too late.

...

I continue to have lots of thoughts about parenting and life, often having realizations that then go flying out the window when there is whining and screaming and resisting from the girls. To help me remember some of my intentions I wrote notes on post-its and the girls helped me stick them around the house. I am surprised by how helpful they are and I plan to add more. The notes say things such as "choose compassion" and "kid screaming is not about me." 

Last night Sarah had a bit of a tummy bug and threw up a couple of times. It is interesting that I can meet those events with compassion and no regard to the inconvenience of the hour, whereas a happy healthy midnight party results in my grumpiness and resistance.

A small challenge we continue to have is that Sarah attempts to hit Sonia. Not hard and often with no actual contact. Sometimes she just says, "hit Sonia" when she is mad about something. This happens even when Sonia is not around. When we ask why, Sarah says, "because frustrated." We ask why she is frustrated. Sarah answers, "because hit Sonia." Hmm. This loop does not actually lead to the information we seek. 

June 29

Today is the birthday of one of the most amazing people I know: Carl. When I was younger and searching for the person with whom I wanted to spend my life, I felt a lot of anxiety because I was so worried about relationships ending and I wanted so desperately to know that one would last forever. It is a lovely feeling to be with someone where I marvel daily at his overall wonderfulness as a human being. Carl is able to be present and loving with me through all of my ups and downs and twists and turns. He is present and loving with the girls, creatively interacting with them when I see no option for creativity. 

This week there was a parenting moment where Carl really excelled... Sarah drank water from the water table. Eeew!!! Nooo!!!!! I yelled at her loudly and yanked her inside. Carl then delayed leaving for work to sit with her, waiting for her to regain equilibrium. Then he had many loops of conversation about the difference between the water in the table and the water inside, why the table water is dirty and not for drinking, and the consequences of drinking water from the table (getting sick and we will take the table away), and what to do if she got thirsty when she was outside. It took many loops of this with slight simplifications and variations because for the first several rounds, when Carl asked Sarah if she would drink the water from the table the next time she was outside and thirsty, she said "yes." After many iterations, she finally said "no" and seemed to actually understand. We hope. I was so impressed listening to Carl's patience and his method of mixing explanation with questions and that he kept going until Sarah seemed to have learned the lesson. This time if you saw my socks flying past your window, it was because of Carl.

We are still dealing with Sarah's finger rashes. Whether this is just the same thing that has not ultimately healed or whether it is a reaction to food or something outside that I haven't identified yet, I don't know. I feel so despairing every time the rash flares, especially when I thought it was gone. Yesterday we went for a walk and half-way through I realized the rash was back and that Sarah had a new rash on one arm (which we now think might have been because of the heat). I felt like I was 2 inches tall as I trudged along. Carl gently suggested that maybe I could see myself as a scientist going forward instead of a terrible mother. Hmm. That is a radical notion that I will consider.

Recently my mom and stepdad's beloved cat died. I was talking to my mom about it and Sarah wanted to get on the phone. We have had many conversations about pets going to the vet and not coming back, so Sarah is familiar with the scenario, though she hasn't dealt with it personally yet. She told Mom-Mom that the kittie was going to the vet and that Mom-Mom and Pop-Pop were sad and that she would give them a kiss to help them feel better. She kissed the phone and then said she wanted to give Pop-Pop a kiss. She waited while he came to the phone and then kissed the phone again. She was attentive and focused the whole time. So sweet!

Carl brought home a soccer ball and some orange cones and the girls enjoyed playing with him. Amy evidently excelled at making very difficult goal post positions. Sarah succeeded at making several goals. Yesterday at a birthday party we realized the glaring hole in our parenting to date...our girls do not know how to hold or swing a bat. Egad! Time to remedy this post-haste! Speaking of the birthday party, Sarah did a wonderful job participating in decorating a paper bag. I felt like she didn't get lost like she sometimes does. She had many moments of solitary play but the bag activity wasn't one of them.

We did a round of music and movement this week. We haven't done this in ages.  I have offered it occasionally and been ignored or rejected. This time they were eager and they participated and even asked to continue when I paused to do something else. Wow. That was encouraging.

I had a wonderful SR session early in the week. I brought out number flashcards and decided to stick with them for as long as I could in whatever way that happened. We traced the numbers with our fingers, we lined them up in two matching rows. I sang many rounds of "the ants go marching" with increasing movement on my part, waving the number cards around or seeking with pretend franticness and needing her help to find a number. Sarah was sometimes very attentive and sometimes not, but I kept going because she was attentive enough. I changed the lyrics to "the sarah's go marching" and gave directions for what to do and sometimes she followed the directions. What was most exciting and surprising was when she asked me the next day to go play in the SR room with the number cards. I attempted to do other songs with numbers on day two and that came to a grinding halt when I tried "5 little ducks went swimming one day." Since I was feeling sick that day I let the session end. What I love about both play sessions was how much more creative I became when I decided to limit myself to one toy plus my antics and ideas for as long as I could.

Sarah has had a few doctor's appointments recently so we have had lots of time waiting in small rooms with not much to do, and she hasn't wanted to read the books that I brought. It was an epiphany to realize that I could sort of do SR and that time alone in a small sparse room is something I practice often, rather than something new and difficult. The difficulty is that the rooms tend to have lots of items that are reachable but off-limits.

My challenge for the week was that I felt like I had a bit of a stomach bug for a couple of days. I also had a sleep study done one night and it was more stressful than I anticipated. I thought it would be awesome to have a night by myself with no kids to wake me. I hadn't understood how many wires would be attached to me and that I would have stuff up my nose and around my chest and waist and clipped to one finger. I slept enough for them to get enough data (I am still waiting for the results) and then I left early because I wasn't able to fall back asleep. It was divine to crawl back into my own bed. The reason for the sleep study is to check for sleep apnea in case that could be a factor in my cluster headaches. 

Recipe correction from last week: for the chocolate bread I use only 1 tbsp of ground flax per egg as an egg replacer. (I have now fixed last week's blog entry).

Yesterday Carl helped Sarah type a message on his phone, assisting with the spelling. It seems a bit profound somehow.

"A birthday party. Having cake with Sam. Doing your fingers. Are purple. At 3 o'clock."

June 22

At the beginning of the week I thought I had an epiphany of understanding that all I had to do was keep prioritizing happiness and everything would work itself out. I had a couple of amazing, powerful, clear, present, loving days where I was impressed with how well I was interacting with the kids especially around their upsets. I acknowledged their feelings and listened and didn't feel any need to stop the upset. Then the underwear fight happened. On Wednesday night I made a deal with the kids that they could have ice cream if they agreed that after the treat they would get ready for bed quickly and easily. It doesn't work to make a deal with a three year old when I do my part of the bargain first. Sarah did pretty well with getting ready for bed with few prompts. Amy refused to put on underpants or do anything. I completely lost my composure, presence, and happiness. I yelled, screamed, stomped, and hit the wall. Then both kids were crying and I was still mad. I felt like I had been betrayed in the deal we made and for some reason I felt desperate for them to be in bed (perhaps because Carl was out of town and the sitter's car broke down so I didn't get to go to Zumba). 

I haven't lost it so largely in a long time. I felt confused in the moment as if this tide of emotions came out of nowhere. Within about ten minutes I regained my footing a bit and we had good cuddles and talked about being on the wrong ball and being borkupines (porkupines) which is a reference to a favorite book about when a mom is mad. So we ended well and lovingly, except I continued to beat myself up about it (and still do a bit). Going forward I think I need an emotional back-up kit to use as soon as a planned Jenny-time gets taken away. It often seems fine in the moment but I think I need to see it as a red flag to tread carefully and gently with myself and the girls, quickly planning some form of Jenny-something so I don't start to feel desperate and martyr-ish. I could also use the red-flag to help me remember my intention of how I want to be with the kids.

When they were in bed Wednesday night, I started cleaning the kitchen and doing some cooking and then I stepped in cat vomit. Carl was supposed to return on Thursday evening but his flight was cancelled. Luckily I was able to arrange for a sitter and I went to Zumba after work. This felt like a great plan and I might have been grumpy if I didn't have the opportunity, but I spent the Zumba class being a bit harsh with my body judgements. Then I went home and had salad with bacon and strawberries and a huge piece of chocolate cake. And then I couldn't sleep. So the first half of the week felt awesome and the second half felt rather miserable. 

I feel like I've been struggling a lot lately, feeling like things are hard, feeling overwhelmed especially regarding home schooling, feeling like I am not running a good Son-Rise Program, feeling like an ineffective team leader, etc. And then I feel bad because I am struggling and I think people will wonder why I am running this program if I am so miserable. The reason is I still think that even with my struggly, bumbling times, we still have lots of really good times and that just being at home a lot helps Sarah learn things in a more digestible, familiar environment than being in a different setting. We can do food and potty-time with relative ease. Days are long so even if I feel crappy about some portion of them, there are still lots of good parts. It is just that days have a lot of moments in them. Perhaps some upset comes from feeling like things shouldn't feel hard and that if I'm not happy and inspiring all of the time then Sarah won't progress and won't completely heal. Maybe there is some truth in that, but maybe not absolute truth, given that she seems to be progressing even when I'm not happy all the time.

I also keep comparing myself to other Son-Rise moms I know who seem to have it all figured out, being happy all the time and having happy kids who understand how to choose happiness. But I realize that I don't actually know very much about their days or emotions. I am just making it up that they have it all figured out. Or I compare myself to stay-at-home moms in general and I feel like a wuss that I have such trouble even when I have an abundance of help. However, I don't really know how those moms feel or how much or how little they struggle.

Friday and Saturday we had an outreach with M. This was super, amazingly, awesomely helpful. M. observed most of our team playing with Sarah and gave us feedback. She also played with Sarah while I observed. As with previous outreaches, I learned so much just from watching M. She kept going with play scenarios for much longer than I do, even when Sarah's only participation was watching. The next day I heard Sarah by herself, quoting M.'s play about being stuck in a tree. Sarah was totally drinking it all in. I expanded my understanding of how I can continue to build ideas within a game in all sorts of directions. I was reminded how much more effective I feel when I have an idea for play before I enter the room. 

For part of my play session with Sarah, I brought out several sheets of paper and had Sarah write some of her favorite sounds on them. The sounds are mostly from a different game I created so I knew she liked them, and I added a couple more. She wrote: la, ma, wa, yip, and gah. I spread them out on the floor and hopped on them, saying the sound as I hopped. I lost my balance and grabbed for Sarah to help me. I encouraged her to hop and she did with two feet. The paper stuck to her feet a bit. I held her and moved her legs so she could hop alternately on one foot. She giggled a lot with that. Then we switched to sitting and hitting the paper with our hands and saying the sounds. I kept reminding her to say the sounds and she did. I rearranged the papers sometimes and it started to seem like a great reading exercise. She was knowing which sound went with which paper. That felt awesome and fun. Then when her attention seemed to wane I packed up the pages and put them away. What I now understand is that I could have introduced the game again with new variations. For instance, I could have held one page and run around the room making the noise. I could have tossed the paper in the air. We could have worn the pages as hats. I could have written a song with only those sounds. We could have made more pages with new sounds. We could have made smaller papers with sounds and played a memory game. We could have written a story about the game we just played, drawing pictures of ourselves hopping on paper and making noise.

Friday in the early evening, I found Sarah in my bedroom holding the home phone. She said "want to call mom-mom by yourself." She meant she wanted to call by herself. I told her what buttons to push and then when the voice mail started I suggested what she could say. She easily and happily left her message, "Hi Mom-Mom. Hi Pop-Pop. I love you. This is Sarah. Bye." Sooooo sweet and cute!

Saturday at lunchtime Sarah spilled soup on her shirt and wanted to change it and then wanted a nap. I wanted her to wait until she was done eating so another shirt wouldn't get dirty. Things quickly went south, with much Sarah-screaming. At first I felt terrible that this was happening during our outreach but I think it was actually perfect. Perfect because I couldn't keep it together anymore and sat at the table with M. (Carl took the girls), crying about how hard everything has been feeling. I was raised with the knowledge of the healing, helpfulness of a good cry, but I haven't had one in a long time. It helped to let it out and be honest about how inept I was feeling. I felt daunted by the upcoming team meeting because I felt so uninspired and uninspiring. M. suggested that I be honest about it all and go from there. That is what I did and it was so great to remember how safe I am with my team and how wonderful they are. They are amazing with Sarah and they are amazing with me. They help me as much as they help Sarah. I still feel a bit guilty accepting the help but that is the part of me that still feels like pond scum. If I allow that when I am feeling like pond scum then maybe I'm not quite seeing myself or the world clearly, then I can let it be and accept the help gratefully.

I hope you are having good weekends and that you are surrounded by gentle, loving amazingness when you need it.

Regarding my last update and the chocolate zucchini bread, the recipe at http://paleomg.com/moist-chocolate-zucchini-bread/.

My variation for Sarah is to substitute 2 tbsp flax meal for the eggs (1 tbsp per egg) and to not squeeze out the liquid from the zucchini. I also use cashew butter instead of sunbutter so my recipe is not nut-free.

June 15

I dedicate this update to chocolate zucchini bread.... It was a mom-saver for our recent trip when people were almost always eating things that Sarah couldn't have. She rocked it, as usual, but I think it helped that I had some of her favorite foods available. I make a chocolate zucchini bread that is grain-free, refined-sugar-free, vegan, and super delicious. 

The trip included seeing both sets of my parents, my brother, Carl's cousin and her family, my sixth grade teacher and his family, and our college reunion. I used to babysit for my sixth grade teacher when I was in college and his sons were Amy's age and newborn. Now they are all grown up! How does that happen? It was wonderful and challenging seeing so many people and being in so many new places. At the reunion, when I spoke with someone for 10 minutes that seemed like a long conversation and there were people that I didn't get to talk with at all. We were in the same dorm we are always in for reunions and it is far from my favorite, but we were across the hall from some good friends who also have kids so that was awesome. There was an art installation on campus of long plastic strips (we called them curtains) hanging from a bar and the girls looooved playing there. I was grateful that it was there and that they loved it and I also hated that it was there because of the screaming that ensued any time we left it. We carried the girls all over creation, and I also always had a backpack with water, food, a potty seat, and back-up clothes. The girls got to run all over the beautiful campus and we also said "no" a ton, compared to how often we say it at home, which is still a lot. I felt like we had to shadow the girls much more than usual in all places and it was a relief to get home where I can let them be on their own more easily. 

One night, Sarah stayed up late. When I finally got her back in bed, she put an arm over Amy and then gave Amy a kiss. Soooooo sweet!! Overall lately, whether at the reunion or with the cousins or at our block party or at a neighborhood birthday party, Sarah has seemed more present when she is around other kids. She still isms some but she also goes over to join kids in a frisbee game (or attempt to join) or to sit with a group of kids. She doesn't bend her neck so she can look at kids' feet upside down like she used to. We still have some ground to cover, but it is exciting to see her in a less overwhelmed/over-excited state.

Sarah has started answering questions with "um..." It is the cutest! It is also functional because it gives her more time to answer while signaling that she heard the question and is working on an answer.

With Carl's cousin and her kids, one afternoon we were walking and some of them were singing the "who stole the cookie?" song. When someone said "Sarah stole the cookie from the cookie jar" she said, "Yes!" with a grin. Not the way the song goes, but so perfect.

At a rest stop, Carl was helping Sarah sound out "wet" on a sign and Sarah wasn't quite getting it but then she said, "floor." That was the next word but we hadn't said it at all or even pointed to the word. We don't know if somehow she miraculously read it or if she just remembered it from some past reference or deduced it from the context. I do know she has a phenomenal memory.

Sarah has started rehearsing for an open-mic at a Spoken Word event, or so it seems. She often belts out the alphabet in a loud, almost angry-sounding, speech. Hilarious.

Our trampoline has a bar so that you can hold on while you jump. Or, if you are a small child, you can use the bar to do a flip. Amy figured it out a couple of days ago and then Sarah got it last night. It is harder for Sarah because her legs are longer, but she got it. Watching the girls flip is amazing.

During a recent SR time with Sonia, Sarah played catch with small stuffed animals, including 2 Hello Kitty animals. She then initiated the game with Carl and with me, teaching us how to do it. One person holds both kitties and then throws them one after the other to the other person. Then the recipient takes a turn.

Sarah wrote a Father's Day card that Carl could read! Those not familiar with her writing might not understand it, but Carl could. Amazing that Sarah is really learning to write. She also wished Carl a Happy Father's Day.

Speaking of fathers, I am so grateful for the ever-present support and love I have received from my dad and stepdad. I have never doubted their love for me or their belief that I can do whatever I set out to do. That is not to be sneezed at. And I am so grateful to be sharing my parenting journey with Carl. I marvel at his beautifully creative, loving, attentive parenting on a daily basis. He inspires me to continue striving for my own relaxed creativity. On our recent trip I somehow forgot to pack any of my Relaxed Creativity and I felt like I was running on grumpy-stressed-anxious-empty for a lot of the time. Luckily, Carl had remembered his RC so we managed pretty well.

Speaking of running on grumpy-empty... it is amazing to me how differently I can feel at different times. There have been many recent moments where I felt completely incapable of getting from point A to point B, point A perhaps being the kids being in pajamas and point B being the kids dressed and ready to go. When the kids are willing then this is no problem, but when they are resistant and when I have no reserves then this felt impossible and I felt tearfully desperate. I wanted to hand in my resignation and just walk away from the whole thing. And then time passes and my thinking shifts... I read some of Raun's book again and it was reminding me that it isn't the situation causing my unhappiness but rather my thoughts about the situation. This is not new information, but it was a timely reminder. Over a breakfast date with Carl this morning I felt like I was able to shift into remembering how awesome the girls are and how amazing my life is. It is like moving through the curtain art at our college with how quickly things can shift. The hard moments were giving me more compassion for others who are mired in hurt grump; when I am mired it is really hard to function and see that things could be different. When I am free then I don't see where the mud was to begin with. Thank goodness for other people to help me navigate through the muck and enjoy the freedom. 

I hope you have all had an easy muck-free couple of weeks.