August 18

Mom-Mom came to visit and it was wonderful to have such fresh help. She has totally fresh energy for the girls and I let her have almost solo childcare duty for two days while I did lots of other things (and Sonia took two days to work on her move). It was wonderful to hear new responses to some of Sarah's habitual melt-downs. I could see how I am jaded by repetition into having instant impatience. Unfortunately, as of right now, having witnessed and appreciated fresh responses has not translated into my having fresh responses. 

I am working mightily on first having compassion for my own tired self. I am trying to give my own feelings space so that I can let Sarah have her feelings. Maybe sometimes we are both just having a hard day together. Maybe when I am hurt that she just whines at me and never thanks me, maybe that is me not thanking me or validating what I do.

I am all for noticing and using my ability to choose how I respond to various things. I think first I must find out where I am. It is like locating myself on a map so I know where to go next. If I am feeling weary to my core then I have to let myself be weary to my core before I expect myself to be the Energizer Bunny. Yes, this is an amazing journey that I probably would choose again. Yes, I have incredible experiences and meet wonderful people. And, yes, I am so tired of not sleeping through the night because of small individuals. I am so tired of the yelling and whining. I am so very tired of always feeling like I should do more. I am just so tired. I get breaks, but maybe breaks do not do the backward filling of my reservoir. Maybe the breaks keep me at my current level. And certainly new revelations can do some backward refilling. But I also want to acknowledge and honor that this has been very hard. Parenting can be hard in general. Parenting a child with special needs can be another level of hard entirely. It has been hard in the practical ways of potty training taking longer and feeding challenges. It has been hard in the more spiritual/mental ways when I compare my situation and feel lacking or deeply envious of others. The demands are higher and the road is longer. For any developmental stage through which Amy passes, Sarah takes about 5 times as long to pass that stage. Sarah's stages are not as easy to read because she is all over the place. In some ways she is younger than Amy and in other ways she is older. 

What I realize after writing down some of what is hard is that at least half of the struggle is due to the way I am thinking about the situation. I am the one thinking I should do more. I am the one doing the comparing. So if I am tired of some of those things then it is time to stop framing things in the way I have been. This seems slightly easier said than done, but it is a start.

My thoughts on Wednesday: I am feeling like I want to go on strike for a bit. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to make more healthy food. I don't want to do more SR. I don't want to do potty sitting. I don't want to get up in the middle of the night. I don't want to read kids' books. I don't want to be yelled at or whined at or screamed at.

I often think that other people would be able to handle all of this better and that there are many other SR parents who do. But maybe that is irrelevant. There is actually only one Sarah and one me and one Amy. So there is no way to directly compare. Maybe the truth is that I have done the best I can and that sometimes that means excelling so I impress my own self and sometimes that means feeling like a slob as I chow down on a chocolate bar and let my kids watch as much Dora as they want. Sometimes it means I am totally motivated and rock a 2 hour SR session. Sometimes it means I want to lie down on the floor and not get up for a day. Sometimes I am tired to my core.

I am currently enjoying a small vacation with Carl and it is lovely. A huge thank you to Sonia and A. for making this possible. I miss my girls but I hope this break will give me more space to let them have a range of emotions. My goal is to increase my compassion for  their upsets. This means starting with more compassion for how challenging it is for me when they scream. First, it is acknowledging my own emotions and saying, "I am here."

August 10

After my last update I again thought I had everything figured out forever and that I would never be grumpy again, never yell at my kids again, never feel drained again. Not so. This week I have felt tired and grumpy. We have also had many lovely, snuggly moments where I feel so blessed to have so much time with my girls. When both girls are climbing on me and giving me kisses and hugs I think I am the most blessed person in the world.

In contrast to some times when I have been grumpy, this week I have been more ok with the whole range of everything. I am more aware that even if I have my grumpy times or times that I don't have energy for something, I am still a good mom and a good person doing my best. I am more aware in many situations that it is ok not to be perfect and that I can still relax and enjoy myself. (This was good for Zumba on Wednesday when I was the only student!)

On Tuesday we went to a party at a neighbor's house where there was a zipline. Both girls went on it and loved it, but this was the first time Sarah got on like the other big kids did. She climbed to the very top of a ladder, turned around, grabbed the rope, and sat on the seat. Amy got on at a lower spot like the other little kids. At the party, Sarah played with a playdough toy and did some coloring with other kids. Towards the end she got over-saturated with the experience so she was isming strongly and not connecting easily anymore. 

I made clothes for the girls. I have never made clothes before in my life. Sarah has been asking forever for snail pants because her beloved  pants of the past were retired due to disintegration. I kept looking for the exact pair in used clothing stores but never finding them. When Grandma made elephant pajamas for Sarah that were very different from THE elephant pajamas of the past, I realized we might have more leeway about the look of the snails. Friday afternoon the girls and I went to a fabric store and found the one snail-pattern fabric that they had. It was probably easier that they only had one kind of snail fabric as opposed to the 50 kinds of owl prints. I also bought Dora fabric to make a dress for Amy. I used the elephant pajamas from Grandma to make a pattern for the snail pants. I opened my grandmother's sewing machine that I haven't used since before Sarah was born. Somehow, without too much trouble and with minimal cursing, snail pants were created and I only had to adjust the waist once! The dress for Amy was much easier because the fabric was already elasticized at the top so all I did was cut the right size, sew a seam and add straps. Then Sarah wanted a dress too so it was good that I bought 4 times the amount of fabric I needed. I feel very accomplished and I even enjoyed the sewing, which is new because I used to hate sewing.

During one of my SR sessions, Sarah and I played a snail race board game two times for real all the way through. The games weren't consecutive because she needed some ism-decompression time in between. What amazes me the most is that I am starting to be unsurprised and unimpressed when Sarah plays a game for real all the way to the end. This is still huge, but it is starting to become more normal and that in itself is huge. With the snail game, the dice have different colors on each side. Sarah was starting to read her dice herself and then move snails accordingly. 

Yesterday Sarah and I clashed a lot with our grumps. Sometimes I observe friends and loved ones clashing with their own loved ones and it is clear to me where they each take something more personally than it was intended. I have marveled at such clashes and counted my blessings that Carl and I don't often clash in such fashion. Yesterday it became blindingly obvious that my partner in clashing is Sarah. This has probably been clear to others for years. 

One of Sarah's favorite movies is "Donald In Mathemagic Land." In one part, Donald is told to clear his mind and the speaker says that Donald's mind is full of bungling and false concepts. Perhaps Sarah is here to help me sort out my false concepts and bungling. The sorting seems to be full of bungling too and I feel frustrated a lot, but I will keep trying to figure things out so that we clash less often. 

This week I have been appreciating myself for modeling trying something new that I don't know how to do. I told the girls that I thought making pants might be hard and that I didn't know what I was doing. I said this in a dramatic playful way that Sarah loved. I have also been thinking that it is great how many times Sarah asks for a food she used to be able to eat and can't now and I say that I will make it, while having no idea how I will do so. I am hoping this serves as a model for the kids that they can go for what they want even if they don't initially know how to make it happen. One of the specific foods I made this week was Boston Cream Pie Ice Cream. I made coconut milk vanilla ice cream with honey and vanilla cupcake swirled in it. The cupcake had chocolate frosting. If you were to compare to Ben and Jerry's you would notice a difference, but I still think it was a delicious attempt that satisfied Sarah's wish.

Given how much I can grump and clash with Sarah or feel overwhelmed by parenting two kids throughout the day, I have been feeling extra appreciative of Sonia. We may not always get a ton of official SR hours, but having Sonia here means that our whole day can be much more Sarah-Risey overall with much less Jenny-Grumping. Both kids get much more loving, relaxed attention. 

Sometimes I judge myself as weak for how little time I am on my own with the girls and how much I sometimes still struggle. Then I think, "#$%*& that! I have been a stay-at-home mom to a kid with special needs for 7 1/2 years. I am done with doing it on my own. I will get as much help as I can!). For some reason, seeing it in print that is has been 7 1/2 years helps me find awe and compassion for my tired self. This has been a long, hard, stressful, tear-filled road. It has also been the most incredible, beautiful, stunningly amazing road full of unforeseen blessings. Given a choice, I would pick this road again. I really think I would. It is heart breaking and heart mending. It is heart growing and soul stretching. And it is also so ok that I run out of gas as often as I do. Maybe that is part of the journey and the view too.

August 3

This has been a phenomenal week for me. I think I am really deeply understanding how important my own self-care is. Am I to let my lettuce or veggies wilt or let myself wilt? Veggies! Is it more important to make yogurt so we don't run out or to make sure I don't run out of my own oomph? Well, usually my answer has been the yogurt and the veggies get preference, because that is a form of self-care so that we all have food and I feel less overwhelmed the following day, etc. But the to-do list never ends. For most of my life I have wanted to get all my work done before I relax so that I can really enjoy the relaxing. Now I think I need to reverse that pattern and that relaxing and having an excess of time for me needs to come first. In fact, the first ingredient to having the Sarah-Rise Program of my dreams is to really fully take care of me. This means paying attention to nuances and taking breaks, when possible, as soon as I feel myself slipping under 90% of good energy and good feeling.

This week I have been taking care of myself more than ever. As soon as I start feeling burned out, I go to my room with my laptop to catch up on email, bills, calls, etc and Sonia hangs out with the girls. Or if Sonia isn't around then I let the girls watch something. In the evenings I've been letting my to-do list be done and sitting down to relax. I have felt rejuvinated and ready for the next day and next SR session, even with nights that were less than stellar. On the days when this wasn't so feasible, by the end of the day I had less creative, relaxed, loving flexibility for everything and everyone.  So, really, the first ingredient is to take care of me and then I will have so much more to give others that is in line with my vision of how I want to exist in the world. You can't cook if you don't have a working oven.

What is extra noteworthy about this week is that after a few days of what felt like indulgent excessive self care, Sarah spontaneously started giving me kisses all the time, or coming up next to me with a smile as she nuzzled in for a cuddle. This may have been coincidence but I am going to bet my program on continuing indulgent self care in the hopes that it cleans the air waves for Sarah's loving self and innate intelligence to emerge more easily and often. The same day that Sarah started giving me tons of kisses, Amy changed her usual, "hey, Mom, I love you" to "Mom, I am loving you." The cockles of my heart just melted all over the floor.

Sarah still puts things in her mouth sometimes but the frequency has dropped notably and the cuteness factor of when she spits something out and says "patooey" cannot be ignored, though I pretend to ignore it to dissuade the behavior.

With regard to going in the room and what constitutes a good session... a big part of Son-Rise is to feel good after any session, regardless of what actually happened, because of how I show up in the room. Sometimes this is easier that others. It is always easy to feel good when we have a really connected learningful time. This week I felt like I was really feeling good about the struggly moments too, believing anew that this is really a great way to help Sarah with her future connections in school and with friends in general. So if there are tears in the session, awesome! If she tries to put something in her mouth, terrific! If she wants to leave early and I don't let her, hurray! If I feel uncertain or my energy flags for a bit, that is great too. I don't have to be perfect in there.

There were a couple sessions where I definitely had moments of wanting to end early because I was tired or at a loss for what to do, but I stayed the course and I'm so glad I did. I understand and appreciate the idea that we aren't to go in the SR room unless we want to because if we don't really want to then we don't have the attitude that will make the most difference. However, I know sometimes I just need to show up and then everything flows from there. Sometimes we start our time and then she tries putting things in her mouth and I feel my energy sink and I don't want to do it, but I stay with it and then we move on and have a time, sometimes even an amazing time. Tuesday morning I didn't have a client so I did two hours with Sarah. There were a couple times when she tried putting chalk in her mouth (though it didn't really bother me) and some bigger times when she really wanted to be done. I knew she was tired because she was up for two hours in the middle of the night, as was I. But I stuck with it. I reminded myself that in school she can't just take a nap whenever she wants or leave when she wants. I told her she could nap later. Believing that it was still the most helpful thing for her to be in the room really helped me stay there and we had two large chunks of play, lasting 20-25 minutes each. We had other connected play as well but whenever a scenario or interaction lasts 20-30 minutes I take note because that is still remarkable. We ended with singing 5 songs together, the last of which was Old MacDonald and we sang 11 verses together. She even supplied some of the animals herself. When I say we sang together, that does mean in unison, but it also means I go really slowly and wait for her to get going and then I join her. Sometimes I sing a few words by myself and then pause for her to sing again, joining her as soon as she makes a sound. 

My thoughts Tuesday morning at various moments: Wow! I am really good at this. I am so good at being in the room and helping Sarah towards our goals. Holy moly I am good! ... but what is the point? Am I going to work my butt off for each small gain? Maybe. Is that ok? Is this an ok thing to do with my life? I think so. If it means Sarah can have a more fulfilling and connected and independent life later, then yes. Is it ok to put so much energy and effort towards helping just one person when there are starving and dying people all over the world? I don't know. Maybe. This is what I can do and maybe there will be ripples outward of people being inspired to do things. Or maybe I am just going to help this one person. Maybe the one person is more myself than Sarah. Am I doing this because I love Sarah or because I so wish to not have a child with special needs? Am I going towards or away? But... damn! Sometimes I'm really good in that room!

This week I was more ok with offering activities and letting go of the outcome, while still feeling good about trying. I did some music and movement and Sarah mostly watched. In the past sometimes I would feel frustrated with this and as if I was failing, but this week I just felt light and free and good that I could offer it and let it be. The same with art projects (mostly). I think I will have a much wider range of offerings if I don't limit myself to what I think will succeed. I will offer, invite, let go of the outcome, and then go watch something with my snuggly girls or go take a break on my own. When I am on I want to be on and when I am off, I want to be off, and I hope to let go of the middling pulling myself through the mud by my fingernails because that is not really fun for anyone.

At the start of most days I repeat several times, "fruit, veggies, protein" to remind myself of my eating intentions. I am now adding a reminder of The First Ingredient. Perhaps that should be easy but it feels very much like cheating, even when I have the kissing cuddly sparkly proof that it may be the best way to help Sarah too. Why do I need a noble reason like helping Sarah to take care of my own self more? Isn't taking care of me the best way to help everyone, because then no one else has to take care of me?

May you all have the time and clarity to determine the First Ingredient to your dream life.

July 27

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting recently and they both noticed huge changes in Sarah's overall language and connection with people. Yay! 

Sarah has been asking for elephant pajamas for forever because she loved the ones that used to be hers and then were Amy's and now fit neither of them. To Sarah's delight, Grandma took her to the fabric store to pick out elephant fabric and sewed some pajamas for her. 

At one point Sarah asked Grandma to go to the potty with her, then Sarah leaned over and kissed Grandma on the head. So sweet! Sarah has loved having Grandpa here too and asks for him every time the door opens.

I am noticing that Sarah comments more on the books we read. Her comments seem a bit more original and observant than sometimes in the past. I also notice that she is stuttering more and I'm not sure why. Maybe she can't keep up with her increased ideas or maybe something else is going on internally. It is mostly that she will get stuck repeating a certain word. For example, "Want to go go go go go go go outside." I am attempting to stay neutral or hopeful about this rather than panicky or annoyed, though those feelings are certainly there sometimes.

Sarah has mastered the trampoline bar flip. She had figured it out a while ago but then hadn't done it for several weeks. Evidently, she and Amy were doing flips side by side yesterday while I was at my Alexander Technique class. 

Sonia and I have started doing joint sessions more often, mainly in an attempt to help Sarah with her "hit Sonia" comments and actions. In the first session, Sarah was very upset after an attempted hit. She wanted to leave and sat on my lap (as I blocked the door) crying for 20 minutes. Then her attention cleared and she snacked and talked to both of us easily. The next session had a little hitting talk but less so and with less upset (however, at the beginning when I told Sarah we were going in the SR room with Sonia she gave a sudden angry look at both of us, as if she was mad at Sonia and mad at me for suggesting such a situation). The third session involved no mention of hitting and no attempt at hitting. We played for 25 minutes with the same toy, with 3 person connection and with evolving ideas that came from Sarah's suggestions. Wow. Totally awesome. We were playing with foam shapes creating food, pretending we had variously shaped whistles, and throwing frisbees.

The newest dynamic that I am working with is Sarah putting every toy or game in her mouth. This means that I put it away and she either screams and cries for several minutes or just protests a little and then repeats with the next game. I realized while talking with Carl that I may have contributed to this seeming interesting because of my own frustration. In the SR room it is easier for me to be calm but firm. Outside the SR room when we are doing an art project and she is attempting to put paint or buttons in her mouth, I definitely get frustrated and yell at her a bit. I think for the time being I will just stop doing art projects until this phase passes. It definitely seems to be a dynamic of her testing me and testing boundaries....I just tried a return to my more relaxed and less firm consequences when Sarah was putting pieces from a matching game in her mouth. I tickled her and told her I knew she knew how to pretend. The moment of her trying to put the pieces in her mouth passed quickly. So maybe that is the way to go in the SR room too. 

The reading for my Alexander Technique class had a paragraph that is perfect for me. From Indirect Procedures by Pedro de Alcantara, "Most people associate their mental conception of power with a certain feeling of tension in the muscles of the body. If the feeling is absent, so will be the perception of power....To play loudly the average pianist....creates tensions within himself, then he fights against these very tensions, believing all the while that he is merely using the force needed to play loudly." This is sooooo good. I think this is probably what I do in most parenting moments where I get tense or angry, I create tension and then fight against it in order to feel powerful and in control and as if I know what I am doing. 

I wish you all easy movement and easy being.

July 19

I went to Zumba Monday night because Carl was well enough to take over with the girls. At one point in class, the instructor said, "Come on, you can do better than that!" In theory she said that to be motivating. Normally she doesn't say stuff like that. I noticed my thought, "you can't talk to me like that! No one can talk to me like that except myself!" What?!

I went to Zumba on Wednesday and had one of my favorite instructors, favorite in part because she seems so kind and joyful. I was reminded how much more motivating joyful encouragement can be.

I have started doing 2 hour sessions with Sarah more regularly. For a variety of reasons I haven't done so  for quite a while. I was still going in the room, but not for 2 hours. The recent sessions have felt easy, fun, and like they are effectively moving us towards our goals. On Thursday I did roughly 3 hours and it felt easy to be in there for so long. Sarah has been connected to me for at least 90% of the time. Holy moly!! My current intention is to do more sessions that are longer, maybe 4-5 days a week getting in there for 3-4 hours straight. I think it will be easier to do it all in one chunk because once we finish it can be harder to get both of us back in the room. I have also started tracking the SR room hours again because I think it actually did help motivate me to be in the room more and when I am in the room more I feel better about our program overall. I also think it could be useful to have the time documented for homeschooling purposes.

Speaking of homeschooling, the paperwork has been mailed! I will call next week to find out if it was received and if there is anything more I need to do. Mailing the paperwork nudged me into a tailspin of panic over our program, feeling like we aren't getting enough hours. That is why I started increasing my own hours in the room. What is the one thing I have the most control over as long as I have help with Amy? Getting my own rear in gear. And the more I am in the room then the more effective I feel when observing and giving feedback to my volunteers. The more I am in the room the more effective I feel in helping Sarah learn and thrive. 

I was thinking about what big ups and downs I experience and how helpful it is to have my pit crew to listen to me and help me back on my feet. My primary pit crew includes Carl, my mom, Sonia, and M. Thank you pit crew!! They witness all my grand ambitions and my panicky wobbles. They help dust me off, mop my brow, and send me back in with renewed vigor. I feel like a race car driver or a boxer, and when I rise it is with increased love, ambition, hope, and determination. Perhaps I am in the boxing ring with my own judgments and fears. 

I've been thinking more about what I need to keep myself ready, refreshed, and focused for going in the SR room. I want to start making more of my choices with that as my underlying motivation.  The main things that keep me from going in the room are fatigue and burn-out. So, I will have more of a priority on sleep and I will increase my appreciation of my breaks, such as when I go to zumba. Instead of seeing them as indulgences I will see them as essential ingredients to our program. Same with reading books just for me. Or relaxing on the sofa with my husband and cat while watching a movie. Essential. I can feel how internally I think I am joking as I write that, but I really mean it and want to remember it. 

May you all have the support you need to be on your best feet for whatever you most want to do with your lives. 

July 13

This past week was very low key. Sarah got sick Tuesday night and it was only yesterday that she started eating almost normally again. She was up and about most days but not with her usual vigor. There were still some good play sessions but we also spent a lot of time on the couch reading or watching Dora or Donald Duck. I have always loved Donald, in part because of his lack of perfection and his temper. I am trying to remember this when Sarah is in a screamy mode or when I have more of a temper. 

Notably, Sarah has a renewed interest in the early math elephant game that involves different mats for sorting the elephants in different ways. She spent 45 minutes with G. playing with the elephants in all sorts of ways. She spent time playing with the elephants with Amy and me, joining an activity already in progress. She spent time on her own sorting the elephants on the color sorting mat. So many things can seem so natural as to be of no consequence when we finally get there, but it is really huge that Sarah continues to learn and grow over time, returning to old toys with new focus and understanding. Perhaps the miracle is that all of us continue to learn, grow, and change as we do.

Twelve years ago today Carl and I married each other.

Unfortunately, Carl has now gotten whatever Sarah had so our anniversary plans have changed. I had planned a few meals out and we will reschedule those. We were going to be out for breakfast this morning but instead I am in my office, Carl is resting, and one of my fabulous sitters is with the girls.

In response to my last update, a friend asked if I ever wondered what having Sarah brought into my life that I wouldn't have had otherwise. I know I have thought about this in the past, but I appreciate the suggestion to think about it again....I have been thinking a lot in general about my life and Sarah because sometimes I resent and resist it so much and I envy my friends with "normal" kids. Then I wonder about the point of life and having kids. I think when I resist my situation it is because I am thinking I'm not getting what I wanted from having kids. But I am. I have a loving connection with two amazing girls. I get to snuggle with them and read to them and watch short movies with them. I get to eat pizza with them, as long as it is non-traditional pizza that I make myself. We get to go on adventures, do art projects, and play together. Even with Sarah's eating situation, we still get to enjoy food together. I get to go on vacation with them.  I get to go to work and go on dates with Carl. Certainly there are some things I don't get to do, yet, and that are harder or different than more "neurotypical" situations. But overall, is there really something I am missing? I don't think so.

Having Sarah as she is has meant stretching myself in more ways than I knew possible. I have become a much better cook, and a much more creative cook. I have reconnected with the Option Institute. I have become connected with amazing people who give their love and creativity so generously to my family that I get teary whenever I think of it. I have gotten much better at asking for and receiving help. I write. My whole family eats more healthily than we otherwise would have. We found our current house, which we love, in part because we wanted a space that would work for a Sarah-Rise room. We have Amy. If Sarah had been "typical" then we probably would have had a second child sooner and then that might not have been Amy. I have a much closer connection to Sonia than I might otherwise have had. It is amazing that she and I can have so many coexisting relationships and still like each other! I have gotten to see and fully appreciate amazing support from friends and family. Not all families with kids with special needs have such support. Not all families in general have such support. Do I wish things were easier and could become more "typical" tomorrow? Sure. But perhaps then I wouldn't be so aware of the love with which I am surrounded. Perhaps I wouldn't be so aware of how deeply incredible some people are. I certainly wouldn't want to give up knowing the people I now know. If things were easier and "typical" from the start, I might not have appreciated the ease that is Amy. Certainly parenting is an incredible challenge and source of growth for anyone on the journey and I have hugely challenging moments with Amy, but there are some moments that are so easy as to be laughable because of the contrast. And sometimes Sarah is the easier one. It is all relative moment to moment. I don't think I could design a better life situation than this one for challenging my foundations of belief and attitude and giving me the opportunity to really be who I dream of being. (Remind me of this in a few hours when I am feeling like a tub with no water who wants desperately to eat a pound of chocolate and not have screaming children asking me for things.)

I often notice myself thinking that "once things get back to normal then..." in terms of our routines or schedule. Maybe there is no such thing. There is a slight routine to which we gravitate but there are always variations and changes. Always. 

I have added some post-its and one of them is "what is the next tiny step towards your dream life?" This one almost always helps me shift instantly into a little bit more joy because it reminds me that I have the freedom to change many things. One tiny change is to make more time to read books just for me. I recently picked up the novel I started months ago and I felt as if I were a dying plant suddenly receiving water. I want to take note of those things that are water for me and include them in my daily life. There seems to be such a focus in society on being productive but what if our most important task of productivity is to take excellent care of our selves? Of our minds, bodies, and souls? What one will do with one's time is irrelevant when one gets sick and the only task is to get well. What if maintaining wellness for myself and my family was my first goal and every thing else was secondary? 

I hope you are all well and receiving the water on which you thrive.

July 8

This past weekend we had a small vacation with several relatives at a lake house. It was lovely. And a bit stressful. I am realizing that at this point most of my vacations will be a mix of both. The girls are getting more independent so some things are easier and feel safer and some things feel more challenging. Sarah loves doors and so often tried to leave out the back door to the lake house (away from the water). I don't think she was actually going anywhere, but I still felt like we had to be vigilant because she can be so silent and speedy as she moves from one location to another.

Highlights from our trip... 

When Sarah saw one of her relatives she said, "Hi, S." We know her greetings are getting to be amazing, but to greet someone by name takes it to yet another level. She hasn't seen S. in almost a year.

We saw fireworks from a boat. Sarah loved the whole thing, especially pretending to drive the boat. Amy tried valiantly to stay awake but fell asleep right before the fireworks started and couldn't be roused. She slept in my arms, in her life jacket, so soundly that I was able to step off the boat and carry her to bed, take off the life jacket and her sweatshirt, and tuck her into bed without her batting an eyelid. 

Carl took the girls out in a kayak. The girls shared the front seat and Carl was in the back. The girls each took turns attempting to paddle. This was one of the cutest things I have ever seen. Carl took them via water over to a nearby beach. The next day they did the same thing in a paddle boat and even got snow-cones. Sarah's was snow flavored. 

Carl took Sarah on the jet ski, at her request, for a very short, gentle ride.

During our long drives Amy had a bit of a hard time, as usual. Carl came up with many wonderful, simple games to play. Sarah participated some. I came up with a hard game of singing songs that corresponded to each letter of the alphabet, so that a word in the title started with the letter we were on. This meant that Carl and I had to make up some songs because with some letters Amy would say, "oh, oh, I know! I know a word that starts with ___" and she would give us a word but sometimes we didn't know a song with that word. Amy didn't actually sing any song for this game. She saved her singing for when we had music playing, which meant we listened to two tunes at the same time. Amy also made up a wonderful song about waiting at a stop light, but when we tried to record it we were too late.

...

I continue to have lots of thoughts about parenting and life, often having realizations that then go flying out the window when there is whining and screaming and resisting from the girls. To help me remember some of my intentions I wrote notes on post-its and the girls helped me stick them around the house. I am surprised by how helpful they are and I plan to add more. The notes say things such as "choose compassion" and "kid screaming is not about me." 

Last night Sarah had a bit of a tummy bug and threw up a couple of times. It is interesting that I can meet those events with compassion and no regard to the inconvenience of the hour, whereas a happy healthy midnight party results in my grumpiness and resistance.

A small challenge we continue to have is that Sarah attempts to hit Sonia. Not hard and often with no actual contact. Sometimes she just says, "hit Sonia" when she is mad about something. This happens even when Sonia is not around. When we ask why, Sarah says, "because frustrated." We ask why she is frustrated. Sarah answers, "because hit Sonia." Hmm. This loop does not actually lead to the information we seek.