December 29

Merry belated Christmas if that is what you celebrate. We had a lovely Christmas morning. The girls were either totally immersed in a new toy or couldn't open the new packages fast enough. It is exciting to note Sarah's progress via the toys that I now think are a good fit. To name just a few...we have jigsaw puzzles that are just 3 pieces and spell words. We have more dry-erase books for learning to write and draw. We have cuisenaire rods, which I loved when I was a child. Once we get past the ismy interest with plastic lids and small pieces of wood, they might be great for learning math or building or making designs or learning colors in Spanish, as I did in first grade. We have Goldiblox for learning engineering concepts!

The girls' uncle A. came to visit, much to the girls' delight. Sarah tends to glue herself to A. when he is here. She did a wonderful job asking him if she could touch his plaid shirt and asking him to go outside or to the Sarah-Rise room with her. Sarah's ability to ask questions is blossoming. Her eye contact isn't very solid during these times because we are asking so much more of her verbally. I think once it becomes easier to ask a full question then it will be easier to also have the full eye contact. Often she can give eye contact for some of the asking, especially if I encourage her to do so. What amazes me is that we are now at this point of helping her say full sentences and ask questions.

The day after Christmas is my dad's birthday so we all called to sing. Carl and I sang together, then Amy sang one line at normal speed and promptly hid in my shoulder, and then Sarah sang the whole song by herself including saying "happy birthday dear Granddad." This may have been the first time she got the recipient correct instead of wishing herself a happy birthday. Sarah's version had many pauses, but luckily Granddad knew to keep waiting without saying anything.

The girls and I have started having picnics in the Sarah-Rise room. We spread out the Twister mat and use tissues or napkins to hold our dried peas. While they crunch I sing songs or say poems about peas. Sometimes the original version deals with peas directly and sometimes I just use known songs and substitute words for what we are doing. For example, the song "goober peas" can be easily adapted to "dried-up peas." Sarah has learned the first line of "I eat my peas with honey" a traditional poem to recite in the Briggs household whenever peas are being consumed. Here is the whole thing as I know it...

I eat my peas with honey

I've done it all my life

It makes the peas taste funny

but it keeps them on my knife

When Sarah and I played in the SR room yesterday she was more open and willing to participate in the I Can Do That Cat-in-the-Hat game than ever. When I would instruct her to walk across the room with something on her head she did so, holding rather than balancing whatever object. She also did 4 giant steps, which turned into 10. The fact that she is responding promptly and easily is huge. We have had this game for a while and this time felt the easiest because she has moved beyond isming with the lid or the plastic bags. She still does that a tiny bit but with a flexible openness that wasn't there before.  We also used the ball from the game to have several rounds of catch in very close proximity, while I prompted distance with an Elephant and Piggie line, "You threw this ball from way over there?!" (or adapted, "Can you throw this ball from way over there?"')

Sarah has learned to write the letter "A" perfectly! We have been working on writing for a while and she has a pretty solid "H" and "t" already. Her "A" kept being upside down. One evening when the girls were playing in the basement and Sarah was at the chalk board I went over and we did hand-over-hand with the "A"  many times. And then she would do it independently upside down again. I started coaching her just as her chalk touched the board to go up. After doing that many many times it seemed like we had rewired her habit. Every once in a while she still starts it upside down but before she completes it with the horizontal line I tell her that it looks like a "u" and then she writes a right-side-up "A." So amazing!! I can't believe we are here now. I think that soon her writing ability may snowball just like her verbal ability did when we first started this program. I think it helps to focus really intently on a small detail until she gets it. We tried working on "S" yesterday and that feels much harder to coach her through, but it is beautiful how ready she is to practice and learn.

We had pizza! I had made a pizza before with almond flour crust and tomato sauce that met my requirements (from a jar! I didn't make it myself. Hallelujah!). The first time just had mushrooms on top but no cheese. Now we seem to have a cheese that Sarah can eat without getting itchy: Organic Valley organic, raw, mild cheddar. So now I can make pizza that even looks like pizza! Last time I made it I put bell pepper chunks on top. Sarah picked off the peppers to avoid them. Amy picked off the peppers to eat them first. So it goes.

I have had many short moments where I am not at my finest or kindest lately, usually involving yelling at the kids. After one time of yelling then I realized that maybe I needed to "get my sad out" as I tell the girls when they are upset. I sat on the sofa crying and Sarah came over with a tissue, climbed onto my lap, and wiped my tears away and squeezed my nose. She sat with me for many minutes, ministering with a tissue and sometimes with a sad face of her own. Not that she was actually sad, but she was making her face have that expression of concern. I wasn't thrilled about my yelling or upset, but I also thought it was a wonderful opportunity for Sarah to be so gentle and caring, completely of her own accord. It is also an opportunity for the kids to know that I can be upset but that doesn't change how much I love them. I'm trying to remind myself that this is all ok. It is frustrating to feel like I have a shorter fuse than sometimes, especially when just a week ago I felt on top of the world and deeply happy and could easily listen to and respond to the girls' screaming in a way that felt new. Sometimes I think once I have a breakthrough of understanding or thought then I have a bit of a backlash as my old habits try to hold on with tooth and nail. Carl's mom noticed that when Carl was little he would have extra upsets just before a breakthrough. Maybe the girls are having extra upsets because they are on the cusp of breakthroughs. Maybe they aren't having extra upsets and it is just me having extra upsets. Maybe I am on the verge of another breakthrough! Maybe the girls are having extra upsets because I am having extra upsets! I do not know. What I do know is that Carl is an amazing dad and husband, responding to all of us with love, patience, and creativity. I love watching him be a parent and I know I am deeply blessed to be on this journey with such an amazing man who can take my upsets in stride without getting caught up in them and without going away from me in any way. At our wedding we had my mom read a quotation which I feel is still perfectly fitting...

"Oh, the comfort - the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person - having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away." - Dinah Maria Mulock Craik, A Life for a Life

What I wish for all of us is that we become that friend to ourselves, letting the chaff blow away without condemning ourselves as unworthy of love or kindness. I think many of us who are parents already let a lot of chaff from the children blow by, knowing that it is part of growing up and developing. Yes, isn't it always?

I send you all much love and a breath of kindness.

December 22

Recently the girls had what I consider their first inside joke. I have no idea how it started, but now it has become a family joke and a useful alternative to cursing...."Oh coffee!" The girls were saying this back and forth and giggling for minutes on end. Yesterday when I got mad about something inanimate, Sarah came up next to me and said "oh coffee!" Indeed. 

During one of my SR sessions we did some singing together and I was struck by how much Sarah has progressed, specifically with singing the alphabet. I used to prompt her and then pause, waiting until she started saying each letter before I would chime in slight moment behind her. Now we can actually sing together and it feels real. She also sometimes belts out lines from the "sound that gives me power." A couple of times the girls sang some of "Jingle Bells" together. It is one of the best sounds I've ever heard. There are moments when Sarah is playing by herself and singing to herself, just as Amy does, which feels exciting too.

Some of Sarah's volunteers have been noticing how much her physical play has increased lately. Awesome. Once again I am in awe of this whole Son-Rise Program framework that creates the opportunity for so much creativity to flow into my house. My volunteers come up with such fun ideas!

Sarah and Amy often have moments of playing chase or a sort of tag, running around our downstairs. 

There is such power to focused simplicity. Much of the gift that we are giving to Sarah is time. Time to process our requests, time to respond, time to initiate, time to be herself. Sometimes this can feel like I'm not doing anything. Yes, that is precisely what I am (not) doing. I am getting out of the way. I am inhibiting any urgent prompting. The moments that I (we) do prompt are often directed by our current goals. It means we don't have to try to do everything at once. We work on the current goals for a while and then whether or not there is progress, we reevaluate and change the goals so that we stay fresh. It is so exciting to realize that almost everything we set as a goal eventually happens. Sometimes within days, sometimes within years. But I love having a framework that helps us focus and move forward without it feeling overwhelming. If it feels overwhelming then that usually means I am trying to climb a mountain with one big step instead of finding the path and taking the first small step.

For the past couple of weeks, especially with Carl away for work, I have dropped my expectations for what I get done in a day way below my normal expectations. There have been many days where I basically did none of Becky's program. It has felt weird, sometimes disappointing, and sometimes liberating. I keep reminding myself that taking a break doesn't mean I can't start it up again at any moment. My biggest goal is to keep my own heart feeling peaceful and happy as much of the time as possible. I can sometimes think that is just a side ingredient, but maybe that is the most important ingredient of all. 

December 15

This week I have had more epiphanies. I felt like I realized the solution to life, the universe, and everything. And then I interacted with my children.

So, I haven't figured it all out. But, I think that even having a new enlightened thought is helpful, even if I only think it for a moment the first time.

My first realization came from talking with Sonia regarding the Son-Rise developmental model and how to help Sarah meet our current goals. It seems that the best way to help her respond easily and calmly even when she doesn't get what she wants is for me to respond easily and calmly (meaning, actually be happy) when I don't get what I want. Darn it all! I love this and hate this at the same time. Actually, I just really love it, including the challenge of it. This means really being ok with not meeting all my goals in a day. Or with the girls not doing what I tell them to do. Having this be my goal has already changed some moments and made them easier.

My second big aha came yesterday morning when I was attending a workshop on Thai Massage for the Table. I already have been trained in Thai Massage and I love it but haven't done it for a few years. The workshop this weekend was wonderful and rekindled my love of the work. My aha, however, was the realization that I could really deeply love all of our struggles. I could truly and excitedly embrace that we are still working on tummy issues with Sarah. And that Amy is in a phase that includes lots of whining. Ruminating on this in my idle moments, I felt solid and joyful and was sure that miracles would be occurring at home simply because of my new open thinking. I excitedly drove home. And then I walked in the door. I don't quite have my new love solid. I am still a bit tired of dealing with some of our issues that have been issues for either weeks or months or years. If those issues could clear up right now that would be fine by me. The thing is, even if I am not the epitome of love at all times, I am thrilled that I could even truly consider the possibility of loving the problems. Not fakely loving them, but really loving them. I felt love for them from a distance so the next step is to love them up close.

In the workshop we were asked to reflect upon our true nature, who we are at our deepest, truest core. My answer: I am renewingly determined love. Yes, I stumble and grumble and flail in the muck of my best intentions. And I want to quit and scream and give up. And then I get back up and I renew my love and my vision and my dreams and I dig deep and reach broadly and come up with new ideas and more love. My stubbornness serves me well. I am really good at not giving up on the big picture. Sure I give up in tiny ways and shake my emotional fists, but then I will reach for new insights and find new paths.

It is wonderful having Carl back from Australia!! Sarah greeted him with, "Missed you. I love you so much." 

In Sarah news... tonight at bedtime she spontaneously said, "Hello Jenny Briggs." Yes, those were my socks again flying past your window.

In Amy news....yesterday I told them they could each have one cupcake. Amy responded, "I want two ones." Amy's language is galloping apace. She asks me what I am making or what is in things. Her language has nuances that Sarah's doesn't yet have. What is exciting is that I think Sarah listens differently to Amy and might learn some things more quickly once Amy says them.

The girls have sung duets twice in the past week. Very very short duets. This is so exciting. One was while they were both plunking on the piano and singing "Jingle Bells."

I tried making a new breakfast dish this week and it didn't go as smoothly as planned. When the raw egg spilled out of the avocado I said, "oh poop!" Then Sarah said, "oh poop!" Then Amy said, "Hara haid oh poop!" (Sarah said oh poop). At least my word choice was as tame as it was.

May any of your new thoughts be lovely, even if they only last for a moment.

December 8

I can't believe it has only been a week. The start of this week felt amazing. I went to bed super early and the girls slept well the first 2 or 3 nights. I had an epiphany that the door to the Sarah-Rise room was really the door to the house rather than the specific room. More deeply, it is the door to my heart. That brought me into SR energy in a more full lifestyle way than I sometimes have. I felt extra flexible, creative, loving, and effective. And then... 

Then the nights started getting more eventful and sleep happened less and less. There were at least 3 nights with struggly conversations/yells with Sarah that made no sense to me. In the middle of the night I don't usually deal well with things that don't make sense. Mainly it is that she wants a different shirt or pants and then insists upon what she was already wearing. Or she wants the snail shorts with the holes to the front, no the back, no the front, no the back! (when they were to the back to begin with!!! These snail shorts now look like the clothes of a castaway who has been living on an island for a year). A couple of nights have had me sandwiched between the girls with all of us on my bed. While this is amazingly deliciously snuggly, it doesn't always mean that I sleep soundly. Or that the night up until that point had solid sleep. My super amazing flexible creative loving self hasn't been quite at the initial level. With that has come a bit of disappointment in myself but at the same time I think I am actually doing a good job being gentle with myself given the circumstances. And maybe there doesn't have to be a "given the circumstances" to warrant gentleness. Maybe all of it just is what it is. Regardless, I am very glad that my mom and stepfather are currently here helping for the weekend. Sonia has been her usual amazing self and has put in extra hours, but even SuperSonia can't be here all the time. So now I have Mom-Mom and Pop-Pop playing with the girls, giving me time to cook, write, read, sleep and have more time for me. It really does take a village. Even if I did no official program I think having extra help is in itself beneficial because it keeps more love and less frustration in my house.

This week we went for several wagon rides, one of which was another bear hunt. This time both J Bear and Amy Bear had escaped and were found. Whew!

One night the girls and I had a picnic in the family room. While I was setting up I asked the girls to play some pre-picnic music and do pre-picnic dancing. After that, I spread a table cloth on the floor and we ate snack chicken and dilly carrots off of paper plates. It was lovely.

Mom-Mom started napkin-phone-call play at the table and both girls picked up their napkin phones immediately. They have had several napkin-phone conversations. I have even chimed in on my oven-mitt phone sometimes. 

Recently, Carl and I watched a Bill Cosby comedy special. I was really struck by his confidence and his pauses. He takes his time, enjoys himself and trusts his audience to come with him. This is the energy I want to be in when I am with the girls and especially if I am working on something new with Sarah. If she isn't hooked enough for me to do this then she's not hooked enough. Having the door to Sarah-Rise be the door to the house means that I am being more aware of when Sarah is available and when she is not. My mantra, when I remember it, is to connect first and then request. This is obvious from an SR room point of view, but it is not something I always do outside of the room. It is more respectful and usually more effective. And it is ok that I don't remember to do it all the time.

I hope you all have help if you need it and that your napkin-phones ring when you want them to.

December 1

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving. We had a lovely visit with Carl and Sonia's parents and grandfather. Amy got to use her newly learned phrase, "How you doin'?" and Sarah said the family word "kapshida" that means "let's go" in Korean.

One of our goals for the past several months has been to encourage Sarah to sing in tandem with us. This usually only works if I prompt her to start and then I follow as immediately as I can, always waiting for her to initiate each new word or letter. Now it seems that perhaps some sibling dynamics are going to help further that goal, but not in the way I expected. Amy loves to sing but feels strongly about doing solos. Lately when Amy starts to sing or recite a part of a book, then Sarah jumps in with some words too. Amy gets mad and says she wants to do it by herself. It seems like Sarah is partly voicing her contributions to get a rise out of Amy! I know this is typical sibling behavior, but somehow it still surprises me a bit.

Every few months Sarah has a party in the middle of the night where she is awake for a couple of hours. Last night was party night. Yawn. Luckily, Amy slept through it. I couldn't because Sarah was so awake that she was attempting all sorts of things she isn't supposed to do in addition to being loud. She was playing with the shades, attempting to relocate the blue footstool from the bathroom, opening and closing the door, reciting books, and pretending to be the teacher from school.

Overall Sarah continues to get more capable in ways that are exciting and annoying, reaching new heights and getting into more things we thought were child-proof. She is also taking over with some aspects of Becky's program, where she gets out the needed materials herself or starts singing the songs by herself. And I am realizing that some puzzles and shape sorters are easy for her now. I am hoping with continued practice with things that are easy she will get better at understanding the tiny manipulations that have to happen with more complex puzzles.

Amy's imagination, puzzle skills, language skills, and overall play are just delicious. I think Sarah will learn some phrases better from Amy than from us because they maybe have more meaning or different emphasis, or they annoy Amy when Sarah says them, such as "No, no, that is mine!" 

One of Amy's favorite activities is to set up a tea party with our cardboard set. She expands the food options by taking pieces from other games. A couple days ago she put Purple Cat (a stuffed animal) on the living room sofa under a small blanket. On Purple Cat's lap was a cardboard plate with 3 pieces of plastic cheese. So sweet and adorable! Then last night Amy went to get a coaster from the coffee table to put under her water bottle on the dining room table. It isn't necessary but it is very observant!

Sarah's sunny "hi" and "hello" have expanded to "hello. hello there." She recently expanded further to "good morning. good morning, there."

Despite my not being thrilled about the timing of the party last night, I did have some awareness that it was totally awesome that she was keeping me up with her verbosity, play, and mischief. 

My love to all of you. Goodbye. Goodbye, there.

November 24

Last weekend Carl took Sarah out to ride her tricycle. At one point she was on a slight sideways slope and lost her balance a tiny bit. When she recovered her balance she said, "Close, Dinosaur, real close" which references one of our favorite books, Dinosaur vs. the Potty. I love her sense of humor and how she can pull references from other things and use them appropriately!

While some things, such as pronouns, are linguistically elusive for Sarah, there are other things that she picks up right away to the point of being able to generalize. She can turn any word into an adjective, such as when I said there were beets in the juice and she responded that it was "beety." Expanding on my use of "momsicle, Sarahsicle, and Amysicle," she then said "dadsicle" in a fitting context.

Sarah did a tiny bit of dishwashing this week, though I can see it is more about isming with the water. Still, it was a great new moment that she initiated.

We got a new dining room table and chairs this weekend and the girls truly helped Carl assemble them.

Last night Carl was wearing a button-down shirt, which is not at all his usual attire. As Sarah sat in his lap I realized that she was busy fastening and unfastening a button. These are small buttons!! And she was spontaneously doing them by herself. We have worked on buttons in the past but always with large buttons.

Sarah can open her dresser drawer by herself. This is a large, wide drawer so it requires going back and forth, opening each side just a tiny bit. She figured this out on her own.

Sarah loves working on writing and easily allows reading practice. She does each of these several times a week during her SR time, especially with Sonia. We are at the very beginning of these skills and it is thrilling that she loves to practice.

Sarah does lots of screaming any time she doesn't get what she wants. We are starting to say that while this is ok, we would prefer to get a thank you for the nice thing we just did rather than getting screamed at because of it ending. Not sure how effective this is so far, but if feels good to ask for what we want. While screaming is understandable and ok, it is not going to fly in kindergarten.

Amy loves preschool, taking to it like a duck to water. 

Because sometimes I don't feel like I am running a full time program, M. gave me homework to write down what we currently do:

6 hours typical preschool with Sonia attending

some aspect of Becky's program daily, sometimes all aspects. If all, that is 90 min. 

1-3 hrs field trip 

15-20 hours in SR room

GAPS related food journey (shopping, cooking, cleaning, thinking to support that)

1 hr play date every other week

occasional additional play dates

watching 30 min dvd or tv a few times a week, taking turns with who gets to pick so I can introduce new material

refreshing toys/books in SR room (10-15 min)

1 hr meeting with Sonia to organize our life/program

increasing amount of free play

(meanwhile, Amy gets experiences at daycare, preschool, 2 hours with an Amy volunteer while SR is happening, helping with chores and errands in addition to all of the above items that affect the whole family).

Because of my worrying that things would be better if I was running a more full-time official Son-Rise program, M. gave me more homework...

Reasons why our current program is more helpful for Sarah than doing 40-60hrs/week of SR plus all of Becky's stuff daily...

That is not where we are right now. Sarah is flourishing. Our overall goal is to have her connected, learning, thinking, playing in the world at large so stepping out of the SR room more often is in the direction of that goal. Time in the SR room is still beneficial as a way to really focus and connect without distraction and with minimal stress. Our goals are also to have her more physically active, which again is easier to accomplish with less time in the room. Less time 1:1 means more time with Amy and 1 or 2 other adults which helps with her social learning and communicating. We can see where her challenges are more clearly because she currently functions so well in the SR room. We are focusing more on academics in and out of the SR room and this is great because she loves it and is connecting to us through the academic play/practice (reading, writing, drawing, table top toys). The more she can come up to age level with her academics the more she will be ready to be around her age peers in a school setting. All the time cooking and cleaning is helping her body be healthy so it can function optimally. She also gets to observe and help with the cooking. If she was in the SR room all day plus the time doing Becky's routines then she wouldn't have time for free play and spontaneous connection with Amy or Sonia/me/Carl. Free play allows her to learn and take care of herself in the way that she chooses. I do very little official SR time myself right now because of implementing Becky's program. This is ok. I have trained an amazing team to do the SR time and I still lead the team. I am the only one currently able to do all of Becky's routine. It is important to have time for me so that I can be refreshed in the big picture. I spend a lot of time with each girl and both girls together. So does Sonia. So does Carl. Even if the time is not 1:1 play, we are still around and showing up, helping them learn and grow. The more I take care of myself and allow free play for me, the more relaxed and creative I can be with the girls, in whatever capacity. While everything we do and try may help, the ultimate person to create change and growth is Sarah. The buck does not stop with me. It stops with her. No change will happen without her consent. She loves learning and growing so we just have to show up with our best selves, which we have been and are doing beautifully.

(note to self, doubting my program or abilities while talking to M. will result in homework! :)

Wrapping it up with a note from Carl:

Sarah woke up on this lazy Sunday morning with a glint in her eye.

S: The world is covered in snow

D: Well, it snowed yesterday. You'll have to check if it is still there

Sarah gets out of bed and goes to a window and lifts the shade. She looks disappointed. 

D: Did the snow melt?

S: Snow not melted! Close the shade! Try different window!

She did exactly that and unfortunately her plan for restoring the world to its proper state, despite being innovative in its approach, ultimately proved unsuccessful. 

November 17

This week involved Sarah opening, reaching, unfastening, and fastening all sorts of things, some of which were new, some of which were old, all of which point to her growing sneakiness and independence. She can now unbuckle the top part of her carseat. She was attempting to open the car door while the car was in motion (child safety locks are engaged). She can unlock both the front and back doors to the house from the inside. She can open the upper cabinet doors in our large built-in cabinet that we use as a place to keep things away from children! She can reach the toothpaste that we thought was out of reach (put there because it is tasty). The crowning moment was after the girls and I had been reading in the family room. Sarah got up and closed the door to the family room and I heard her helping herself to a popsicle (which she can now do, including returning the tray to the freezer). When I got up to check on her I discovered that she had locked me in! Except for the fact that the other end of the room was open. I knew that she could do that lock, but still, I love her intention of sneakiness and the look that she gave me when I came in. It was her calm normal face, but there seemed to be a subtle pride of achievement under the surface. It was a look of knowing that she had been caught and keeping her face extra relaxed to play it cool.

Sarah now gives the most lovely greetings, even if sometimes too often for normal social etiquette. She gives full, connected eye contact and with a sunny wide smile says "hi!" 

We have a new volunteer! She is a friend of one of our current volunteers and will officially begin on Tuesday. YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One of the songs that we sing and move to is called the "Sound that Gives me Power." Sarah often silently mouths the words. Indeed, singing songs in tandem with recordings or other people is still our frontier. Every time we do this song I encourage Sarah to sing it with me. A few days ago she started belting out the word "power" and a few other sounds and words. Awesome!!!

We had a play date on Thursday and there was lots of screaming over toy sharing. At first I was thinking this was a play date fail. Then I realized this is exactly why the play dates are useful. It is important to help the girls work through not getting what they want and having to wait. They already work on this daily with each other and the play date just takes it to the next level.

I feel like I have been down in a valley and have been slowly crawling back up a mountain in terms of my emotions. Sometimes I get trapped by my beliefs that if I just do things the way someone else did (eg. Bears and Samahria or any of the other parents who have achieved miracles) then I will also have a miraculous outcome. What if, just what if, I need to do things the way I do them to get whatever miracle we might get (or have already gotten)? Each kid is different and so each approach is going to be a bit different. Maybe the most helpful thing for Sarah is exactly the program I am running? What if I am just the right person to help her the most by muddling through in my way? True or not, if I think these things then it helps me breath more freely and probably think more clearly about Sarah and the family as a whole. It also helps to look back on our past and see how far we have come instead of just looking at what remains. At one time, just about every thing that Sarah now does seemed to me laughably or cryably unattainable and impossible.

I have also been thinking how wonderful it is that one of my salient qualities is probably one of the most helpful things for engaging Sarah. I am a goofball! My face is really expressive. I am good at being silly, especially when reading books. I don't mind reading the same book a million times. And I really love small, cute things. 

Much love to you all. May you all feel that an integral part of you is being perfectly expressed in some way.

November 10

The beginning of this week was a rough one for me. Carl was gone all day Sunday and while I did have some help and some breaks, it was still a long day. In general I wasn't handling it well when the girls would fight over toys nor was I very relaxed about all of the times when Amy wanted things done in a very particular way (not always made clear). On Monday, after Sonia left, all of this culminated during a trip to the back yard. This is normally an easy, relaxing way to spend time. Not this time. Amy wanted a doll stroller and then Sarah asked for one too. Amy had them both at the door and then decided she wanted the pumpkin baskets. I helped her carry the baskets down the back steps. Then I brought the stroller with the baby doll down the steps too. Wrong move! Amy was insistent that she be the one to bring it out of the house. So I took it back and let her bring it out. Then she got interested in the empty stroller and Sarah took the one with the doll. Oh no! That was not what Amy wanted. More crying and screaming. Sarah switched to the empty one and I helped Amy with the stroller doll combo to go down the stairs. (Just what I had done to begin with? Indeed!). Amy continued to be upset about something and climbed the stairs without the railing, almost falling when she reached the top but denying this fact vehemently when I pointed it out. I was not at my most relaxed or expansive for all of this. On the plus side, because of these interactions, I happened to be by the stairs when Sarah started to bring her stroller down, something she normally does easily and well. This time something went awry and she started falling with the stroller. Luckily I was there, so I caught her, but she still got a cut lip (probably from a tooth) and was bleeding notably. I yelled loudly enough for all the neighborhood to hear that we were done outside and then I tried to pick Amy up by her coat while carrying Sarah, resulting in dropping Amy back to the ground, which was only an inch below. We managed to get in, with me feeling like a wretched parent and feeling like all my neighbors would think I was terrible. The blood flow subsided. We proceeded to watch dvds for the next 2 1/2 hours until Carl returned because I just didn't trust myself to not yell more if we weren't all calmly contained.

It was at this time that I called my mom and had a good cry and then sent out my email SOS. To all of those who responded, thank you so very much.  (And if you didn't respond that is ok too - and it's not too late! It is always helpful to get positive feedback). I know in theory that I am responsible for my own happiness, but it certainly helps to have tangible love pouring in. On my good days I know I am doing a kick-ass job. On my bad days then nothing I am doing will ever be enough. I caught myself with a belief I didn't realize I was carrying: that if I was really doing enough then Sarah would already be normal/well/able to be in a typical school without any assistance/etc. Seeing that belief and declaring it is crap helps, but I think I am still believing it somewhat. because of the other insidious belief that if I am really struggling then that means I am an even better mom and person. Or that feeling like I am not doing enough will help me do more. ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! argh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

I have times each week and each day that I am not with the kids and even times that are really just purely for fun. I think perhaps I could increase the amount. Somehow I trap myself into thinking that whatever small amount I give myself ought to be enough and that something is wrong with me that I am still struggling or want more. My aunt made a comment about my self-care limitations, saying "bull$*(!. you need some of that with every minute. with every breath." Amen. With a lot of what I do with the girls and with Sarah, I am truly having a lovely time and it is exactly what I want to be doing. It is just that then sometimes I want a break and don't give myself one either because of necessity or stubborn denial of my limitations. 

When I think about my long term goal for Sarah and how much I want for her to be able to do whatever she wants and live a happy, independent, connected, love-filled life, then I think I must do everything in my power to help her get there. That means I must do Son-Rise and Becky's full program daily. And be happy and relaxed and take care of myself so I can be there for her. And spend quality time with Amy. And always have a plethora of nutritious food options available. I am now coming to the conclusion that there is perhaps actually too much to do, even with all the help I have, and that for me it might not be possible to do it the way I think it ought to be done. I am not a null factor. I have to have time for me even if that means not getting in some of the Sarah stuff. I feel disappointed that I can't do it as powerfully and fully as I think would be most effective. And at the same time there is a bit of relief in admitting defeat and just aiming to do most things most days, allowing that some things just won't happen. This week I have started going to bed earlier, giving myself time to read and wind down. This means the house is messier and I am more behind on other things, but I seem to wake up feeling more refreshed with more space for the girls. It is my intention to stick with the earlier bedtime.

In Sarah news, Sarah continues to amaze me with the table top toys. I am hoping that all of the practice with shape matching and manipulation will help forge new neural pathways to make other similar challenges, such as jigsaw puzzles, easier. She is also doing almost all of the movements to the musical component. She is totally into practicing letter tracing with hand-over-hand assistance. 

For the past several weeks Sarah asked Amy almost every night if Amy would let her wear the bug pajamas. The answer has always been "no" until last night! And then Amy happily said yes! All of her own accord!! I am pleased with how we handled this whole situation, encouraging Sarah to ask and allowing Amy to have control over the pjs. It was good practice for asking for things and the perseverance paid off. With Carl's help Sarah then said "thank you, Amy."

We are still moving very slowly with adding foods to Sarah's diet. The newest was cocoa powder. I made brownies yesterday and she was extremely excited. This was her first chocolate in roughly a year. She only got one serving and she handled that restriction beautifully.

Last night we had a small team meeting. It was wonderful. It felt profound, fun, and productive. We talked about how Sarah has changed, how we have changed, our long range goals, and the small steps to take now in the direction of those goals. Then we made story board pieces for helping Sarah learn to have introductory conversations. Each drawing is on a separate card so that we can make more cards and play with the order. Carl is our nominated artist and I am delighted with the drawings (stick figures with personality).

My love and appreciation to all of you. Knowing that you are witnessing our journey really truly makes a difference.

November 3

Halloween was a success! In a mostly traditional way. Both girls were excited to wear their costumes all day (and Amy wore hers on Friday too). Thursday morning before preschool I felt very much like a mom as I sat sewing a ramshackle seam in Sarah's costume so it wouldn't fall apart. The snaps were so old that they didn't really stay snapped. I made treats that the girls were allowed to have so when they got home from preschool/daycare I took their bags of candy and swapped them for approved cookies and cupcakes. After trick-or-treating at night I gave them the same trade and both went along with it easily. When we were waiting for Carl to get home to go trick-or-treating, Sarah kept saying, "going treating." True. Probably more true than saying "trick or treating." She also practiced saying "I am a stripe" and "Happy Halloween," though she didn't say much when we were going to the houses. She did tell our friend at the end of our journey that she was a stripe (in response to our prompt).

Earlier in the week Carl was gone for a business trip. The first night he was gone, Sarah came into the bedroom at 4am looking for him. She was very upset that he wasn't there and cried hard for many minutes. She even counted down from 10 to 1 flawlessly in the hopes that that would bring him back. I didn't know she could count down like that and it was touching how much she missed him. She ended up falling asleep with her head on his pillow.

We had two field trips this week. The first was to visit Norman the pig at the animal shelter. Amy was very excited in theory but was scared when we were there. Sarah, usually not one to be overly interested in animals, was very interested and was petting Norman and saying "pig!" very excitedly. (If anyone in Pittsburgh wants to foster a pig, let me know. For real. He needs a home.). Our second trip was to the Science Center. Both girls enjoyed the submarine and the big dinosaur sculpture. Sarah also loved the space station replicas inside and she did wonderful exploring with Sonia while Amy and I had a snack.

As the week began and Becky Blake left our house I felt totally overwhelmed about integrating the new parts of the program. Even though I know that is how I tend experience adding new things (overwhelm), knowing that doesn't seem to lessen the feelings. Once I started implementing the new stuff then I felt better because I realized I really could do it. My favorite new thing is doing table top toys. It is like a mini school session where I set out a few things for Sarah do to in a certain order and she does them. It works on building her academic skills and her attention span for doing them. She seems to love it as much as I do. I love how I just do tiny adjustments as she masters certain skills so I'm not upping the ante too far but I am keeping a slight challenge for her. 

Sarah loves the new songs that Becky gave us, in contrast to the old songs which Sarah doesn't want to do anymore. I'm thinking of ways to get the same movements but in different ways or with different songs. It's not that she won't do the old songs, but I have to do a lot more prompting whereas both girls request the new songs and participate easily.

Sarah has been saying "hi" very clearly and with eye contact to more and more people. She said this to strangers twice yesterday while we were out walking. This morning we had a play date and she said it to the visiting girl. When I prompted that she could then say "I'm Sarah" she did so!

I have reposted my volunteer request listing on ASD climbers. This is a site that helps match Son-Rise families with people who want to do Son-Rise volunteering. Two of my current wonderful volunteers came through my first ad. For the past couple months I was waiting to see how our schedule would evolve to decide if I wanted more volunteers and finally the answer is yes. Not many, but one or two more would be great.  If anyone is interested in finding out if there are listings in their area, one way to do so is to go to my listing and then scroll to the bottom of the page. There is a list of places all over the country where families are looking for volunteers.

http://www.volunteermatch.org/search/opp1513780.jsp

Recently, someone commented that Amy seemed sort of like a middle child. I don't know what that really means, but it struck me that this is sort of weirdly true. She is the youngest but with some things she is already more like an older sister and I think that may continue. So she will be both younger and older sister to Sarah and Sarah will be both older and younger sister to Amy.

Amidst my overwhelm earlier in the week, worrying and beating up on myself very skillfully, I called my mom. She wisely advised that I had already had enough servings of figuring things out for the day and that I had to stop. I cracked up and my energy shifted. I allowed myself to let the girls watch something, which we rarely do, and I cooked something. I think I will use this idea often of limiting my servings of worry/self-attack, etc. I know the ideal would be no servings, but let's not get too radical all at once. :) 

Last night, Carl and I went to Josh Groban concert. My goodness can that man sing! He ended with my favorite, "You raise me up." I am so grateful for all of the amazing support I have in so many ways!!!!! I could name so many people and go on and on, but for now I want to give an extra nod of appreciation to my mom and Carl who consistently raise me up to be the best that I can be. My mom has done this since day 1 (or before that) and Carl for as long as we have been together. They are also the ones to see all of me, the wonderful and the confused, and to still love me and help me climb mountains. (The more Sonia is around the more aspects of me she gets to see!)

October 27

This weekend we had Becky Blake come for our second outreach and it has gone wonderfully. It is lovely to see how much the girls both love Becky and enjoy learning the new things she teaches us. We are adding in new activities and expanding the routines we have been doing. I'm excited to have more tools to help Sarah continue to flourish. This is probably perfect timing since just this week Sarah was starting to take over doing the bodywork routine, telling me she wanted to do it herself.

Last week we had a few play dates. For the first one Sarah was very interested in the girl who was visiting. Sarah said "hi" and "hey" to her repeatedly. The repetition was a bit like a newborn fawn getting it's social legs - not quite right but oh so very exciting and earnest.

Twice within the week Sarah apologized for hurting someone without being prompted. The first time was with Sonia and the second was with me. She was in her play car and accidentally backed up into me (in her defense I had come in quietly to clean up so I don't think she knew I was there). She immediately said "I sorry" and then followed it with "'scuse me." If you saw a pair of socks flying past you they were probably mine. :)

Sarah loves snuzzles. A snuzzle is when I rub the top of my head into her chest. I think it must tickle. I've been doing it as a way of celebrating her efforts probably since the beginning of our program and this is the first time she has been asking for it by name (I don't think I gave it a name until a few weeks ago). When I ask her for a snuzzle in return she usually rubs her hand on my forehead. Adorable.

We made pumpkin pie custard and she did almost all of the stirring. I thanked her for being so helpful and as she stirred she chirped, "helpful. so helpful" repeatedly.

We had a new sitter on Saturday and when I told Sarah that we had a babysitter coming she said "need a baby." Indeed! Usually I say the person's name or "sitter" and that makes more sense (we are not in need of a baby!).

Sarah has been starting to play outside by herself. It's not that she couldn't do this before but I usually go out too. Lately when Amy wants to stay in then I stay in and just watch Sarah through the windows. I love that she is independent and careful enough to do this. It was among our dream visions when we found our house that I could be inside fixing dinner and the girls could be out in the yard. 

One night the girls put pretend lemon on Carl's broccoli. He playfully paused saying maybe he would wait till later to eat it. Sarah responded, "Try it."

One morning this week I was not at my finest in terms of parenting. I came downstairs to fix breakfast feeling like pond scum and hearing internal mean voices suggesting the family would be better off without me, what good am I, etc. I checked my email and had the quotation below in an email from my mom. I instantly saw that I was heading down a path of finding all the things wrong with me and that that wouldn't actually help the day go any better. So I shifted to thinking of at least a few things I did well. By the time everyone else came down for breakfast I felt like I had had a reset and the day was a good one. Whew! Since the quotation was so helpful and timely for me I thought I would share it.

Nothing needs to be fixed. Everything is unfolding perfectly. So when you stand in your now accepting that all is well, then from that vibration, you become surrounded by more and more evidence that all is well. But when you're convinced that things are broken, that there is pollution, or that things have gone wrong, or that the government is doing conspiracies... then what happens is you get caught up in that vibration, and you begin to manifest that kind of stuff, and then you say, "See, I told you that things were going wrong." ---Abraham

October 20

I am feeling grateful this week for Sarah teaching me to cook. I mean, really cook. I could do a few things before but it wasn't really part of my skill set in the way it is now. While I still buy a few things for Carl, Amy, and I to eat on the side, primarily we eat what I make and I make everything we eat. When I was very young I used to go into the kitchen, grab a pie pan and fill it with a few ingredients. I didn't use a recipe. I baked it and served it to my amazing parents who actually sampled it! My skill level at that time was very very low. Now I chuckle as I grab a bowl and throw together ingredients for a baked good without a recipe and without measuring. Sometimes this doesn't work out, but often it does and is very good. I am more successfully creative than I used to be and I have Sarah to thank for providing a reason to do so.

One night after we read a bedtime story of If You Give a Pig a Party, Sarah started talking about some aspects of the story. She said she wanted to have a sleep over, a pillow fight, a sleep over with Pigeon. I said I didn't have Pigeon but she could have Gerald. Amy was incensed at the very suggestion of such a thing so I offered Olivia instead and Sarah snuggled up with Olivia for her sleep over.

I have overheard Sarah twice this week singing the alphabet while playing by herself. It is faster and more fluid than ever before. Meanwhile, Amy got on the piano yesterday and was playing while singing "the itsy bitsy spider."

During Carl's SR time this week, Sarah was climbing the stairs in the room (made from bricks and planks) and said "going to work." He asked what she was going to do at work and she said "work on a computer." He brilliantly created a laptop out of the two small white boards  in the room, with a keyboard on one and a screen on the other. As she pressed letters on the keyboard he wrote them on the screen. At one point he guided her to spell "m-o-m." He asked her if she knew what it spelled. She replied, "mom." !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel like she is in a very spongy pre-reading stage and really likes paying attention and learning, the same way she soaked it up and enjoyed learning to speak. This is so exciting.

Carl also had an amazing session with the cookie matching game. The pieces look like oreos and you can separate them to reveal different shapes inside, such as a heart, cirlce, star, etc. You have to have the top and bottom match to assemble the cookie. I had explained and modeled and helped her in the past but not very recently. Carl spread out all the pieces and explained to her what to do. She then independently did each and every one correctly!!!!!!!! When Carl told me this I nearly fell over.

Our field trip was to a friend's home for a tea party. It went quite well, with the girls snarfing down the strawberries. Sarah didn't want tea but she pretended to sip from her piece of jerky. We all wore hats to add to the festive outdoor feel, even though we were inside because it was cold and rainy outside.

You may remember Halloween has not been our strong suite. In past years I used to wonder if Sarah would ever be interested. This year both girls are both into the Great Pumpkin story (Peanuts) and some other Halloween books. I got answers from both girls when I asked what they wanted to be for Halloween. Amy says she wants to be a cat and that is the costume we have obtained. Hopefully her frequently changed mind will hold steady on the actual day. Sarah said she wanted to be a stripe. How to do that? We had some ideas and the original plan was that I would go out with Amy to look for costumes while Carl did SR time with Sarah. Sarah, however, really wanted to go on the adventure, so we decided to make it a family outing. Last year this same family outing was fraught with tension and unhappiness. As we drove, Carl and I discussed the parameters and rules for this outing (for the girls and ourselves). We went to a used-clothing store first and they had a striped outfit that Sarah loves and it fits her (despite claiming to be size 3T). This feels like a small miracle. For Amy's costume, Amy and I went to the actual Halloween store. Sarah and Carl went to the car to wait, with Sarah still wearing the costume that she didn't want to take off and wore for the rest of the day! 

October 13

Some weeks contain so much thought and fluctuation of feelings that I am amazed they are only a week long.

Last Sunday Carl and I went to the Pirates game, which they won. The cheering was intense. As I listened to the crowd of some 40 thousand people cheering, sometimes for one man, I thought about what that might feel like. What if that cheering was for you? What if we did that level of cheering in our own heads for our own achievements. What if each parent who helped their child learn to speak was given a deafening standing ovation? The achievements of kids with special needs and parents of kids with special needs are no less amazing or important. For that matter, the achievement of all people to get up each day and strive for their dreams, or just to get through the day, is also probably worthy of that cheering and recognition. It's just that some of us berate ourselves a bit for falling short of our goals, rather than celebrating what we did do (at least that tends to be true for me).

As I began to look into possible preschool situations for Amy for next year, I quickly became a tightly wound ball of panic as I realized that I should also look with an eye for Sarah. It is so much too early to know where Sarah will be developmentally next year. And yet, for some schools, the applications for next fall need to be submitted this fall. While I want to find a place that is a good fit for Amy, I think she will be able to thrive basically anywhere. For Sarah I think it is a much more influential decision. And it is one I really can't make yet. I might keep her mostly at home for another year. I might not. After talking with my mom, I realized that the answer is just to apply now so I can have the luxury of deciding later. J. also helped me get through some other challenges by reminding me that I didn't have to do them well, I just had to do them. 

We have had a couple exciting play dates in the past couple weeks. Often when Sarah is around other kids she either pays them no mind or she is so excited that her jaw and hands are moving constantly. She is starting to shift into calm attentiveness. She watched these two other kids very closely, with a still body for 70% of the time. She also followed them sometimes to do the same activity. 

She is also playing more with Amy. We had a three-way game of catch and ring-around-the rosey. Twice, in response to my prompt, she has helped Amy up after a fall. She is learning to ask people questions while looking at them rather than at me (this sometimes requires me to hide behind the person I want her to address). Mostly she gets practice asking Amy if she (Sarah) can wear the bug pajamas at night. Amy always says no and Sarah is always upset. But they are having a tiny conversation! I am diligently reminding myself to celebrate Amy's "no" as much as I would her "yes." It is wonderful that she knows her own mind and can express it clearly. And it is wonderful that Sarah is learning to ask for things by phrasing a question rather than a statement.

In response to finishing her juice one afternoon Sarah said "Nice work Miss Magoo. Wow. Holy Moly." It is so adorable when she repeats the praise and celebration that we use. It is just so cute coming out of her mouth. This was the first time she has called herself Miss Magoo, a name I gave her when she was very young.

We have Grammy and Granddad visiting this weekend and the girls are, of course, very excited to have them here. Amy has really taken to Grammy and Sarah is, as usual, very attached to Granddad. Last night at dinner, Sarah spontaneously took her painting off the wall where I had recently taped it. She held it and said "paint at school." We don't get many of these moments where she initiates showing something to someone and this was the first occurrence of showing art work. This was the most blatant show and tell I have ever witnessed from her. Wow. Holy Moly. Nice work Miss Magoo!

Sarah's itchy skin had cleared up and so I had been reintroducing some foods (just not bananas because I suspect they may have been the first itch offender a few weeks ago). And now she has itchy skin again. Argh! So back again we go. I am no good at just doing one new food at a time! But I really must do so from now on for my own sanity to make it easier to recognize problems.

Sometimes I am astounded when I realize a fun game was staring me in the face for months and I didn't see it. We recently got the wood pieces from Handwriting without Tears and Sarah loves it when we make letters and she takes them apart or steps over them. She makes some letters herself too. This week I realized I could make huge letters out of the blue planks and colored bricks that we have had for months. How did I miss that?? At least I figured it out now.

Our field trip was to a sincere pumpkin patch, and we were in search of the Great Pumpkin. We didn't see the GP but we did get a large pumpkin and several small ones. The girls could not have been more earnest or sincere as they hefted their small pumpkins into the wheel barrow and helped push it through the field.

October 6

Sometimes the veil between feeling totally amazing and feeling like crying seems very thin. I am rather fascinated by this and I think it points out to some degree how much things are a choice. And it also points out how maybe I am still not quite looking at some feelings that lurk under the surface. Because, hey, when things are feeling good, I want to roll with it and magnify it and there is nothing wrong with that. There is nothing wrong with crying either, it is just that usually I know when I am carrying tears and this week I have been more surprised by them. They seem to show themselves most when I feel I may have done something wrong. Usually something tiny and inconsequential, but it mars my striving for perfection. AFOG, as my mother would say. Another F*ing Opportunity for Growth. (this could also be some new response to my starting Verapamil again to avoid cluster headaches, which were starting to send out their warning tendrils)

Anywho, I actually have been feeling really happy most of the time. I'm also ramping our program back up a tiny bit. September was a hiatus of necessity. Now I am doing more SR hours and realizing that Sonia and I need regularly scheduled time together without children to meet and evaluate where we are and where we want to be going (with Sarah). We now have that in place. 

For our field trip we went to Beechwood Farms, which is part of the Audubon Society. It is nearby, quiet, beautiful, free, and has a wonderful area for kids to climb and explore. The girls loved it. At the beginning they held hands while walking around. I have no idea who initiated it but it melted my heart.

Sarah has been getting quite creative with the music movements. She experiments with different ways of doing the moves, such as crawling while running, hopping, skating, etc. She is getting stronger and more graceful. Some of her motions look like yoga moves (cobra). Sometimes she does the clapping or arm swinging while lying on her belly. She has also started requesting that I do Becky's program and it has worked the past two days to do so without shutting us into the family room.

Sarah had a dentist appointment this week and it was the first time I took her to my dentist instead of a pediatric one. She is always amazing with all sorts of appointments and procedures and this time was no different. The part that I was most thrilled about was how wonderful the dentist and hygienist were, especially the latter. She was phenomenal in taking her time, allowing Sarah to have breaks, explaining what was going to happen next, and giving Sarah time to answer questions. 

I've been thinking about what a gift Amy is in terms of Sarah-Rise. She is the embodiment of acceptance, love, and delight. Sure, the girls fight, but that is important too. Amy can help Sarah with social interactions (with our help) in a way that we couldn't on our own. She invites Sarah to play with no doubt, just her wanting to play. Sometimes she doesn't ask, she just begins the activity. She throws a ball at Sarah or she squirts Sarah with water in the tub. Sarah loved being squirted and she did play ball a tiny bit! When Sarah says a line from a book that she loves or describes what she is doing (eg. jumping on the bed or sitting in the dark), Amy has a way of picking up the line with enthusiasm that bursts out of every pore. I bow down to her embodied joy. Sarah can totally rock interactions with adults, but she still needs help where other kids are concerned. Amy is the first step. She is familiar, safe, and probably as predictable as a kid could be. Not that Amy is necessarily predictable, but Sarah knows her well enough that it is probably easier to take her in without it being overwhelming or overly exciting.

September 29

We had a lovely visit with my mom (aka Mom-Mom) this past week. When she arrived, the girls were in the family room and it was blocked off because that is how I do Becky's music movement time. Sarah ran to the gate and looked at Mom-Mom and said "hello. I love you, Sarah." Amy was so excited she hopped on her red bouncy horse and galloped several laps. Then Sarah went to the piano and Amy joined briefly, both of them plunking away enthusiastically. Then Mom-Mom sat where Amy had been and Sarah pointed to the music and said "music notes." Both seemed so excited to see Mom-Mom and show her what they could do.

I forgot to mention Sarah's joyful connection to Carl when he arrived over a week ago. She also had a sparkly, present welcome for Sonia, hugging her and saying "miss you. love you." For all of these recent greetings, Sarah has seemed very present and connected. Amy continues with her exuberant galloping as her expression of welcome. 

We bid farewell to Sc. this week. She has been an absolutely amazing gift to our program for over a year and we are sad to see her go. She is off on a new adventure, continuing to make the world a better place through her love, presence, and creativity. We were so blessed to have her for the time we did!

Mom-Mom and I took the girls to the National Aviary (where Carl and I got married 11 years ago!) for our field trip on Wednesday. Sarah walked up to the woman at the counter and said "hi" and then when asked a question gave a quiet "yes." !!! Have you found my socks? Because they have been knocked off by this girl. I think the most remarkable thing about that interaction was that it was so calm and normal that it probably didn't seem remarkable to the woman at the counter. The rest of the visit was slightly more challenging, mainly because there are lots of interesting tunnels, ramps, and doors, all of which Sarah loved, but some of which needed to be kept closed to keep the birds in their designated area. She asked to leave a handful of times but was ok staying as long as we did. We took 3 snack breaks, one of which was before we even got out of the car, and overall it was a great trip.

Sarah continues to looooove the vanilla pudding I make with cashew butter. She used to whine for it throughout the day. I realized that was because I hadn't decided on a limit so I was always evaluating with each request. I decided she can have 4 servings a day. Mom-Mom suggested making a chart and that seemed to help Sarah understand when I first implemented the new limits. She usually eats all 4 servings for breakfast and usually doesn't ask too much the rest of the day.

Sarah continues to attempt hopping on the trampoline on just one leg. She has also decided that instead of doing some of the variations in the musical movements she will just spin in a circle. It is hilarious to see her spin and then attempt to start galloping or running; she usually gallops at quite an angle across the room because she is still dizzy. Right now she spins clockwise 98% of the time and only counterclockwise very briefly when I tell her to or steer her. I am trusting that somehow this is just what her body and brain need at this time.

I have added in a handful of new foods to Sarah's diet and we have already run into a snag of skin irritation so backwards we go, off of most of the new foods until we reach equilibrium again. It is tricky to get in all of Sarah's supplements right now since she now eschews some of her favorite foods of old because they are not vanilla pudding. Always keeping me on my toes. 

Overall lately I have been feeling very happy and relaxed. Or so I thought. I have been feeling rather stiff and uncomfortable in my neck and shoulders. At my Alexander Technique (AT) class yesterday (it is a class for teachers so I am a student in the class), I realized that perhaps I was tightening against feeling any sadness or frustration. It is great to feel good, but it is also ok to not feel good and to allow space for all the feelings. I am so frustrated to have to back off new foods!! So sad! So pissed!  @^&%#%^&#&*^%$*&((*)!!! I so much want to throw in the towel and give up. I know it is good to have new information and have a chance to clarify what Sarah's body can't process, but I want to be able to give her foods that she likes that are healthy. I hate needing to take them away again. The foods I have to take away for the moment: sprouted raw pumpkin seeds with sea salt, bananas, almond flour, 1 bite of cheese. I know I am supposed to go slowly with adding new foods but it is hard for me. Perhaps if i had gone more slowly and done each of these things more individually then the culprit would be easier to determine. I am pretty sure we can keep the lima bean hummus. 

For the AT class we are reading Indirect Procedures by Pedro de Alacantara. One line, taken slightly out of context, struck me as being perfect for me as a parent: "Opposition can be extremely pleasurable in all its manifestations." I so often get annoyed at the opposition of my children. What a lovely challenge to see it as pleasurable. I crack up just considering it, which does help to lighten things and keep me feeling creative. I recognize that it is a wonderful thing for my kids to know what they want and be passionate and determined as they try to get it.

I feel like Sarah has been making great strides this month (as she does every month), and it is a month in which I really backed off of my ambitions and beliefs about what needed to happen. I focused a lot on making sure I had enough help to be relaxed and letting go of my scheduling agenda more than usual. Perhaps the way to really best help Sarah is to really put on my oxygen mask first. Really solidly. This is my new frontier. Sarah's eating regimen, SR time, Becky's program, and outdoor playtime all happened, but maybe not every day and with much fewer official SR hours. I think that is ok (ack!!! is it really???). If I am truly more relaxed then I can do more lifestyle SR whenever the opportunity is there. 

Amy seems to have inherited my strong love of stuffed animals. She likes tucking them into bed under blankets on the floor. Last night she arranged them sitting on a basement step. So cute!!

I hope you are all having weekends. No pressure for them to be anything other than what they are.

September 22

My "marathon" of being on my own (with Sonia and Carl out of town simultaneously) is at a close. I was very much not on my own and the whole thing went incredibly smoothly. (Luckily the nights went well.) I have such wonderful people surrounding and helping me. This past week my dad came out to help and it was absolutely wonderful. The girls loved having him here, as did I. Tomorrow my mom arrives so my cup runneth over with a bounty of loving and helpful parents! I am deeply blessed in so many ways!!

Preschool went well both days, with my attending to Sarah occasionally. Sometimes she told me to move away. She seems less resistant to prompts from her teachers than to prompts from me. She waited very patiently for her turn with a painting project on Thursday. She also helps with the clean-up and I have learned from watching her teachers that the way to get her help is to ask her to do a very specific task, rather than asking for her general help. I tried this at home on Friday and she did both things that I requested.

One of the things Sarah loves to do at school is to pretend to be Ms. C. After circle time, when the kids are dismissed to free play, Sarah usually seizes the opportunity to sit in C's rocking chair and do what she can to sing the weather song and the days of the week song, with movements. Though no one is near her I usually hear her squeak out, "pretending to be Ms. C!" She then plays with the calendar and velcro number pieces. Because her teachers are just so awesome, they created a velcro alphabet board because of how Sarah was playing with the calendar board.

At school on Thursday the snack for the other kids was vanilla pudding. Sarah usually handles her food restrictions very well, and she even handled this limitation well but she made it clear that she wished she had some. I told her we would make some at home (having no clue how I would make this happen). Total success! Here is my recipe for Sarah's vanilla pudding:

large dollop of raw cashew butter

1 small spoonful of coconut butter

coconut milk, enough to thin the mixture to desired consistency

tiny sploosh of vanilla extract

Stir. Serve.

Sarah looooves this. I have to make sure she eats other foods throughout the day and gets enough water because if left to her own devices I think she would eat nothing but vanilla pudding. Luckily it is high in protein and calories, both of which are still very good for our little pipsqueak. 

Sarah's movements to the music routine are getting stronger. She is at her most focused and active when it is just the two of us in the room. When Amy participates too then Sarah needs more prompting and is clearly interested in watching Amy move. Sarah's tip-toeing is getting quite solid. Sometimes she even does it backwards. As I watched her on Friday I marveled at her strong legs and beautiful foot alignment. When she was very young and learning to walk she pronated her feet to a severe degree in her effort to gain stability. We used AFO's a little bit (a plastic brace of sorts to keep her foot lined up with her ankle). In theory we were supposed to use them all the time, but there were conflicting theories with the Anat Baniel Method, which suggested letting her feet be free so she could explore her movements and get feedback. We did some of both. Looking at her walking and tip-toeing now, I don't think anyone would ever guess how pronated she used to be. Hurray for growth and development and strength.

When Sarah jumps on the trampoline she has been starting to attempt a one-legged jump. This is completely her own idea and it is adorable to see her trying to figure it out. Sometimes she lifts one leg entirely (while holding the support bar) and other times she puts one leg behind her on the edge of the trampoline.

Sarah's pronoun use is getting much better. So is Amy's. They are also asking for things more sweetly and I think I've caught an occasional spontaneous "thanks" from Sarah. Part of the reason for all of this is that I have been asking for all of it directly and explicitly. To help with pronouns I tell them how to say what they mean to say and they repeat. 

I have been feeling a tiny bit less irritated by some of the girls' upsets lately. I think this is because of my recent talk with M. and realizing that the girls are just in stages of development and that it is where they are supposed to be and my role is to help them through, but that I don't need to take it personally. Asking them for more kindness and less whining also helps tremendously. 

The snail shorts are now only for bedtime and naps! This is a huge change from Sarah wearing them 24/7. I decided on the change because of the cooler temperature and because they are really falling apart. I had been wondering how on earth I would deal with taking them away and then suddenly the solution seemed obvious. She has adjusted well and I am really enjoying seeing her in other clothes!

I mentioned that we were starting to move away from GAPS. It is official. We are moving into a whole, healthy food diet, following the Westin A Price Foundation guidelines. If you want to see what these are, go here: http://www.westonaprice.org/basics/dietary-guidelines 

This change is at the suggestion of our GAPS advisor. I feel liberated, and excited, and also like I have come unmoored. I still need to go slowly with introducing new foods, but it feels very odd to be so unlimited with what those are. The first few things I am excited to reintroduce are lima bean hummus (yes, really, it is totally scrumptious), my GAPS banana bread, and GAPS snowball cookies. 

Yesterday was Sonia's birthday and we called to sing to her. Sarah sang her best happy birthday ever!! (though the recipient of her song was apparently herself). Amy got phone shy and didn't sing at all, even though I had heard her singing to herself earlier in the day. Carl and I were passably in tune (I hope!)

My love and appreciation to all of you!! Every time I think of this large team of people rooting for us I am moved to tears.

September 14

A good problem to have is... 

Sarah not getting around to brushing her teeth because she is busy talking about how the sink is empty, pronouncing each word perfectly.

Sarah delaying brushing her teeth because she is busy pretending that the toothbrush is a melting popsicle. 

Sarah getting up from breakfast because she must put pretend lemon juice on Carl's food (she loves people making sour faces)

Sarah helping herself to food from the freezer, fridge, and counter

Sarah wanting to help with almost everything I do in the kitchen (and being in the way and underfoot)

Sarah not wanting me to do the music movement while she does it (she is doing it!!)

Needing to spot Sarah and Amy on the trampoline because they like hanging and swinging from the bar

Not knowing what to do with myself when Sarah barely needs my help at preschool

-------------------------

I've been thinking a lot lately about these good problems and remembering that any difficulty now is one I probably would have paid to have when Sarah was less able.

I've been thinking about how different flowers benefit from different kids of care and we don't fault them for it. What if we extended the same understanding to care for different kinds of people without thinking that different needs meant anything was amiss?

This thinking was largely in response to my 2 visits to preschool this week. On Tuesday Sarah was impressively focused, responsive, and attentive. I did basically nothing and the teachers did almost all the redirecting or encouraging needed. When we left I was considering talking to the teachers about Sarah being there on her own. And then there was Thursday. On Thursday, Sarah seemed much less focused and attentive and needed lots more redirection. She did much more exclusive play. I joined her a couple of times thinking that might help her reconnect in general. Instead, while we were building with some tiles and having a semi-interactive time, she somehow pinched her finger in a way that I didn't see and was very upset for many minutes. Since she had been asking to go home before this happened and asked again after, and since it didn't seem like a stellar day anyway, I decided to take us all home early. This had the side benefit that we weren't out in the torrential thunderstorm that started when we otherwise would have been leaving preschool/daycare. 

I think this preschool is the absolute best place for Sarah at this moment for her school muscles to get going. And I think it is a challenge for her and that going two days a week is her limit and perhaps even over the limit sometimes. I'll see what this next week brings. Noticing how she doesn't do the music movements if I do them and sometimes stops if Amy does them, I can see why in school she doesn't always participate in things. Sometimes she does and it is amazing and other times I think it is just too much to do anything other than pay attention to whatever fascinating thing another person is doing. The exciting thing with seeing this is that I realize her abilities in many areas may be stronger than we think; it is up to us to design the right environment to bring those abilities forth. And once her muscles and abilities get stronger in these different areas then she can participate more and more. Being at home and one-on-one most of the time will help her muscles and abilities get stronger, as has already been happening.

Sarah's greetings and farewells are really getting good. When L. arrived, Sarah spontaneously said "hell-o" and today she said "bye" to some friends at the appropriate moment all of her own accord.

Puzzles remain a huge challenge for Sarah. Watching Amy sort them out so quickly is a miracle (for me). I very much appreciate G.'s work with Sarah yesterday when she was playing with a puzzle. He let her be. He let her fiddle with it and make mistakes and put things together wrong. That is something I don't really do because I have been so concerned with teaching her to "get it." I am reminded by G.'s time that perhaps the best thing I can do to help her get it is to get out of the way and give her time.

There seems to be a lot recently about my helping most by getting out of the way. Yes. And... first I set the groundwork, the goals, the modeling, the environment, and then I can get out of the way. Knowing when to get out of the way and when to interact is perhaps the whole ball game.

A few nights ago as Sarah finished her bath, I looked over and realized it was yet another time to let her be. I could see those cognitive wheels turning as she stacked and unstacked cups by size, noticing and correcting all on her own. 

Wednesday we went on a field trip to the zoo (with the lovely C. as our assistant). It went super well. We were there for 2 hours and we took at least 4 snack breaks. Sarah was interested in the animals (as was Amy, but that is more of a given). In the evening when Carl was talking to the girls he asked what they saw and Sarah gave a few answers! When things like this happen it is easy to take them for granted, but they are really noteworthy and amazing.  

September 8

I think the biggest thing from this week was my learning how to get out of Sarah's way and effectively invite her to do more physical movement. For two months I have been doing Becky's program with Sarah and for the movement-to-music parts it has been mostly me moving around while Sarah sat on the sofa. I would model and invite and sometimes physically move her around. She would participate in tiny ways but the main thing she did was watch me. While this may have had immense value as a model, it wasn't getting Sarah up and moving. When I spoke with M. she suggested pausing and telling Sarah it was her turn. Rather inadvertently, I decided to take this to an extreme. I sat on the couch (to block it) and told her it was her turn. The first day I only did so for one song... and she did every movement! The second day I sat out, beaming and telling Sarah it was her turn for 4 songs. She did almost everything. Clapping, stomping, arm-swinging, spinning, walking, galloping, running, jumping, skating, pretending to be an elephant/cat/frog/bird/snake/monkey, and dancing. Absolutely amazing. Her awkward earnestness is almost unbearably adorable. 

Wednesday was our first official Field Trip. Sonia, Sarah, Amy, and I went pear picking. It was beautiful and peaceful and we were the only ones there. Absolutely perfect. 

At the suggestion of our GAPS advisor we are departing from GAPS somewhat. We are still going slow and being stringent about what Sarah eats but we are adding some non-GAPS items in small quantities (potatoes, sweet potatoes, brown rice, and quinoa). We had already done the quinoa but she isn't really a big quinoa eater. She is excited to have rice again. I soak it for about 12 hours first. 

I bought some new jigsaw puzzles today and Sarah worked on them diligently for several minutes. She needs a lot of guidance but her stamina for trying is impressive.

September 2

Sarah started preschool this week. She goes two mornings a week from 9-12 to a neighborhood preschool that is very welcoming and flexible. Sonia goes as her attendant, but she doesn't need much attending. Except when she does, and then she really does. She has always enjoyed school and this year is no exception. Tuesday was her fifth first day of preschool. While at the sand table, Sarah said that the sand was soft and another kid responded, having understood her! I am noticing that more and more people understand her without needing assistance. YAY! She also drew a self portrait when that was the assigned activity. 

Tuesday morning when I opened the fridge, something was clearly amiss. Tuesday night we went shopping for a new refrigerator and Sarah loooooved it. What heaven for someone who loves opening and closing doors. I am thrilled with our new refrigerator. It is beautiful and large. We move through a lot of fresh food in this house and in the past we had to go shopping multiple times per week because we simply couldn't store all that we were going to use. I think now that might change. Tonight I bought 6 dozen eggs and enough greens to hopefully do the week of juicing, among lots of other things. Sarah also tried brussels sprouts tonight! One of her favorite books has Elmo mentioning them and she has been mentioning them frequently. Normally she doesn't pay any heed to the cooked veggies on her plate, but tonight she boldly picked up the sprout and took a bite. And spit it out. Hooray for trying it!

On Thursday night just before going to sleep, Sarah started going through the bodywork routine from Becky's program that I do with her in the afternoons. She was doing it on herself and saying all the corresponding words. When Carl offered her his foot she did the foot routine on him! My jaw dropped repeatedly.

We had a wonderful visit this weekend with Carl's cousin and her family. As Sarah said, we had feasts. The night before they arrived we were telling our girls about what was going to happen. Amy got confused because one of her cousins is called Z. and Amy thought we meant that her friend Z. (who recently moved) was coming to visit. Amy was very upset when she realized her friend was not coming. I suggested that Amy could write a letter to her friend. I asked if she wanted me to write various things and she said yes to each one and then she drew in the empty space. We had to explain that it was best not to draw over the writing. I gave Sarah some paper to write a letter and she didn't respond to my questions about what I could write for her. Instead she started making the marks that are her letters and signature. She was clearly writing a letter, even if no one can read it. 

I have been attempting to more often prioritize the use of myself. In all ways. The first thing this usually means when I think of it is in terms of the Alexander Technique and my own ease and connection within myself, freeing my neck, leading with my head, and the rest of Alexander's directions. 

I have also been feeling very burned out at times and worrying that if I took a break I wouldn't want to resume the program. I had an excellent consultation with M. and she suggested that I give myself some time each week that is just for me. Not for me to improve myself so I will be a better team leader, but for me just to rest or read something unrelated to the things I am doing to help Sarah.  I will be revising my schedule to include a time for me when I am not permitted to do anything I'm "supposed" to do. When I start feeling more freedom for myself I have a lot more creative energy and love for Sarah.

I hope you all had wonderful weekends. When I was little, I thought Labor Day was for pregnant women.

August 26

We were away for the weekend visiting family at a beautiful house on a beautiful lake in VA. It was actually the easiest driving trip we have had with the girls in a while and it was lovely to only need to figure out Sarah's food while someone else did the cooking and cleaning for the rest of the group. And I am also glad to be done with GAPS travel for a while again. 

Sarah loved the beef jerky (aka meat cookies) that Sonia made. I gave Sarah many more strawberries than usual to assuage my guilt of having her sit at a table filled with lots of food she couldn't have. She loved it. Amy practically ate her weight in pea crackers. Amy also stole the english muffins this morning! I was in the shower and Carl was with Sarah and thought Amy was staying nearby. My uncle was upstairs and saw Amy heading down the hall with a bag of english muffins in her hand. He assumed she was following a parent. Not so for our little independent food thief!

Granddad was very impressed with how much Sarah's language has expanded and improved since he last saw her in March. Yay! 

Overall I have been feeling more relaxed and happier with less tightly scheduled days and not tracking the SR hours to the minute. We are still averaging 4-6 hours of SR per day during the week. There is a weird dynamic in my thinking that I don't fully understand but I will try to verbalize. When we were getting 8 hours per day and tracking the hours, then that was coupled sometimes with feeling an urgency to help Sarah; that we must get sufficient time or else it won't work and it needs to work. Letting go of the tracking and having more free time in the day pairs itself with less urgency. Not that I regret our 8 hour power days. They were wonderful and awesome. We may even go back to them at some point. But now that I want to make sure we get Becky's program in and play outside daily, it is much easier to do that when we have more free time. 

I made another Alexander (of the terrible, horrible, no good very bad day) game. Actually two games but one of them didn't really get off the ground farther than a minute. It was a "tape the Alexander on the Alexander" game and she did follow my lead to spin but then was most interested in removing the pieces of tape from the paper. The other game involved two red paper elevator doors and a picture of Alexander. We took turns being the elevator and Alexander and we also got our feet or hands stuck in the doors. My next thought is to encourage her to hop like he must have done after the elevator door closed on his foot.

My attitude towards parenting and running Sarah-Rise and everything reminds me of sickness vs. wellness. When I am well it is hard to comprehend really being ill and vice versa. When things are going easily and I am feeling empowered and inspired and loving then it is hard to belief how fully I can lose that feeling. And when I lose it, it can feel unattainable. Luckily, overall my times of frustration or depression are short lived, but they certainly exist. 

With snail shorts upset or door-play tantrums I usually feel mediocre in my responses, though sometimes they tap into a feeling of failure and that we are never going to progress past this point and that she is stupid (which thought I hate and then feel worse about). When meals go uneaten and she doesn't participate in Becky's movement program then I feel like a grumpy failure and I want to throw in the towel on this whole business. I can feel like sending both girls to full-time school and just being done with all of this, giving up because it is too hard and I am too tired. Owning those feelings fully helps them shift more quickly and it is also easier when Sarah does participate in some movements and eat more food and when the girls snuggle next to me while I read. Then all is right with the world and I am doing just what I should be doing. Obviously I have some more exploring and dialoguing to do!

I have been realizing that I work with Sarah differently than I did at the beginning because she has progressed so much. I want to bring some elements of my early days back, mainly my big snuggly celebrations of the tiniest effort. In the beginning it felt really easy and clear about how to help Sarah with language and how to celebrate every attempt. It sometimes feels less clear now about some of our goals and how to go for them creatively and remember to celebrate. This weekend when I was reading a book and modeled nodding my head she did her wobbly attempt and I whooped and snuzzled her like the old days. She loved it. I did too.

Tomorrow is the first day of preschool!