The American Girl Doll situation and overlapping pajama situation is getting out of control. Everytime I do something thinking it will bring peace and resolution it seems to make things worse. I know in some ways this doesn’t matter and it can be totally botched and everyone will still grow up into hopefully well-adjusted people. Maybe the biggest stumbling block is that when I get things for Sarah so she won’t always be wanting Amy’s then it seems to diminish the specialness of Amy’s things in her own eyes. In theory know that isn’t under my control, but it still sort of breaks my heart. With the hedgehog nightgown, I even asked Amy first if it would be a good idea to get Sarah her own. She thought yes. But now Amy hasn’t worn hers since Sarah’s arrived and when Amy is super mad at Sarah then she gets mad at the hedgehog nightgowns too. I feel like I broke something that was so special to Amy. Meanwhile, we got Sarah an American Girl doll because it seems amazing that she wants one and really wants to play with it. But when Sarah’s arrived then I saw the light dim in Amy’s eyes. Probably it was just the sister jealousy that can happen at birthdays, but I felt bad because Amy’s doll had been her special birthday thing. Never mind that I recently got Amy a new My Little Pony thing. I quickly offered that Amy could get a new doll too. What was I thinking?! I’m out of control!! This quarantine seems to have upended any sense I have of how to manage buying presents or seeing sadness in relation to presents. I just want to fix it all. I know I can’t fix the real problem of quarantine and I didn’t think the doll and nightgown thing would spiral so much. I seem to keep making things worse when I try to make them better. I can only hope that with time Amy will come back around to her hedgehogs or that I will get over my heartbreak for having ruined the specialness of them for her. On the plus side, Sarah loves her new doll and Amy still loves her own dolls and sometimes all of them have a tea party together.
Carl has fully taken over with Sarah’s virtual piano lessons and with her practicing and it is wonderful. He doesn’t shy away when Sarah first balks and protests that it is too hard. He has created a fun scenario with giving her fingers different names (Miss Four and Miss Five) and making a huge exaggerated deal with Five gets in the way or Four needs to do her job. Sarah laughs. Grumpy Cat, complete with a musical note scarf, coaches her too. I’m in awe.
Sarah likes to pretend to be other people sometimes. After watching the person who mows our lawn, Sarah wanted to be him and to mow our lawn. So Carl helped her get our push mower and she had a great time pushing it back and forth. After having a virtual Anat Baniel Lesson, Sarah immediately started giving me an ABM lesson and the also worked on some dolls and stuffed animals.
Sometimes I feel like I’m playing a role with Sarah rather than being me. I’m saying or doing certain things hoping that they will bring about my desired outcome, almost as if I have to trick her or play some system with oft-changing rules. When I tell her that something is going to happen then I’m hoping I play the timing right with when and how often I tell her. Often she will say ok and agree to be done easily when it is time, until it is actually time and then she will declare that she isn’t hungry or doesn’t want to do the thing that she previously seemed excited about. She often changes her own plans without much warning or veers into a new activity instead of doing the thing she and Amy had been about to do. This often leads to sadness and madness in Amy while Sarah is either oblivious or enjoying Amy’s pained reaction. All of this coexists with times of Sarah being fun, funny, kind, and creative. It coexists with many good times playing easily with Amy or asking Amy to help with her homework. Most of our time is actually easy, it is just that the hard times can feel intense and draining.
When her beloved nightgown accidentally got significantly wet at bedtime, I tossed it in the dryer but Sarah screamed and tried to open the dryer frequently for about half an hour. This was on a night when we figured Carl could go out for a bike ride and I could handle bedtime because usually bedtime is pretty easy. This followed a day that had already felt draining.
I am reminding myself that many steps along this path with Sarah have seemed impossible and unattainable until they are easily in our rear view mirror and we can laugh about how we are in an easier place. This is true for basically everything (rolling over, sitting, walking, talking, reading, potty training, eating, bathing, learning to swim, etc). So I keep telling myself there may in fact come a time when we say, “remember when Sarah would have huge meltdowns about certain items of clothing? Remember when she would fake laugh and spit and pound and scream? Remember when she would ignore us or purposely do what we said not to do?” Maybe someday this will all be a memory and our present will be easily smooth with respectful realness where I don’t wonder what response there will be to my presence.
Carl and I have been watching “World on Fire” and I have been startled by my strong visceral reaction the few times they have shown a girl having a seizure. I just can’t bear to watch. Not that the rest of the story is happy. It is all about WWII so we knew it would be hard and heartbreaking. I just didn’t expect it to hit so close to home.
Amy has become a Hula hooping fiend. She went from only being able to do about 10 seconds to being able to do 7 minutes. After her short times she watched me do it and something just clicked for her. One night we had a Hula Hoop Off. I was the judge when Amy and Carl competed. He was the judge for Amy and me. Amy was the judge for Carl and me. While Amy and I can keep the hoop going, Carl gets the most points for style and humor. Sarah did her part as a cowgirl dancing under the stars.
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