It is always oddly jarring when one person experiences a tragedy and yet the world continues to move on with many people still living their normal lives. So many people right now are personally reeling from the murder of George Floyd. So many people who aren’t personally effected are also feeling heaviness and rage and fear and heartbreak. I have made calls and read articles and marched in the almost completely peaceful protest yesterday. We have spoken with the girls about what they can do if they see someone being treated unfairly especially if that treatment is related to their skin color. I know some of my friends carry fear for their own children daily and my actions henceforth will be fueled by wanting to make sure the world becomes a safer place for those children. I want it safer for everyone, but it helps make it more tangibly urgent to personalize it in this way. These friends are dear to me and I do not want them to be the next heartbroken parents. Next to this heaviness and heartbreak, life here in our personal family bubble has been even better than usual. Such an odd contrast. I share the love and joy from our family in the hopes that it will help warm hearts and ease tensions at least for a moment. Let us also take a moment to hold the family and friends of George Floyd in love and light and make our phone calls to support appropriate legal action regarding the police involved.
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Sarah and I are having a closer connection than we have in ages. It is amazing and wonderful and I attribute the changes to my personal changes after my various Son-Rise recharging methods. Sarah now wants to do “mice, mice mice” with me all the time. She wants me to sit with her when she has her ipod turn. She greets me enthusiastically. Offering “mice mice mice” works to defuse situations when she is clearly a bit overloaded and going into her repertoire of things that we don’t like her to do.
When we do our tickle, snuggle, hanging out while sometimes saying “mice mice mice” she often holds small stuffed animal mice. I have also added singing a bit of a Sandra Boyton song, “I love you more than cheese.” Sometimes Sarah brings in her newly favorite books, Barnyard Dance and Runaway Bunny. Her favorite page of Barnyard Dance reads “Prance with the horses, skitter with the mice, swing with your partner once or twice.” One day she read it to me and told me it was her favorite page and that she held it in her heart. I’ve been working on encouraging clarity of speech through these books because when she reads out loud she tends to swallow her words in her attempt to speed through them or because she is unsure of them. I don’t ask for clarification of everything, just some words now and then. I also celebrate when she does say things clearly.
One evening Amy had the idea that we would go to a royal ball. She encouraged us to dress appropriately. Carl and I donned new garb and we all came up with new names. I was Queen Annabelle of Chocolateville, Carl was Sir Frederick III of Fritoshire, Amy was Duchess Violet of Gardenalia, and Sarah was Kiddo Bubbles of Mouseville. I had an enchantingly delightful time! Sarah participated a little. Amy sort of had a good time, but our reality didn’t quite match her dreams.
Sarah loves nicknames for herself and acquires them at a rapid speed. In addition to being Ms. Mice, this week she also wanted us to call her Kiddo, which is how characters in a Caillou episode refer to him. Once Sarah told us that our teacher would be Kiddo. I love how flexibly we all adapt to her new loves and build upon them.
We let the girls have playdates with one person in the past couple of weeks and that has gone quite well. After the first one Amy clearly had tons of feelings that had been accumulating. I was glad she could feel them and clear them. Friday the girls went over to this other kid’s house and, very unusually, Sarah got sad and was crying and asking for me to come get her, which I did. I can’t remember this ever happening before. My interpretation of things is that because she and I have bonded so much recently, when her friend drew a picture of a smiling face with the words “Mommy loves you” Sarah remembered me and felt homesick. She missed me! This is actually huge and wonderful and exciting. I know there have certainly been times when she missed me in the past, but this felt more clearly expressed. She cried for a while even after I brought her home. As with Amy’s feelings, I assume that Sarah’s have been accumulating during quarantine. Yesterday morning Sarah started crying again and talking about when she was sad on Friday, saying she missed me but not following me to the kitchen when I invited her to do so. She really didn’t want me to go to the protest march, but I figure it is important to slowly get everyone used to me doing things again. I want her to feel these feelings now so that when school starts in August she will be ready to go.
Sarah is officially done with 5th grade and is a rising 6th grader! Friday evening there was a car parade at her school so we could drive past the teachers who were standing outside. Her main teachers weren’t there, but there were many people who called out “Hi Sarah!,” “It’s Sarah!” I felt more emotional than I had expected. Maybe she did too.
Although Sarah didn’t want me to leave yesterday, after lunch and some of her favorite music and a Gaby et Jules macaron delivery, she was feeling much better. While I was gone the girls and Carl recorded themselves putting on a play of Mo Willems’ A Big Guy Took My Ball. Carl was the whale, Amy was Piggie, and Sarah was Gerald. Amy made costume headbands so they had the right ears or whale top. Each independently got dressed in the right colors. I got to see the recording when I returned and it was wonderful. It was also Sarah’s idea!! When I was home we did a new recording of Mo Willems’ My New Friend Is So Fun! I was Gerald (being exaggeratedly panicky comes quite naturally), Amy was Snake, Sarah was Piggie, and Carl was Brian Bat. It was so much fun! If you would like to see our unpolished but energetic performance, let me know and I’ll send it to you.
To back up slightly, when I parked upon arriving home, I was greeted by Carl and the girls, all holding signs and chanting “We Love Mom!” Sarah rushed up to hug me and had sparkly eyes meant for me. I am used to such an outpouring from Amy, but not from Sarah.
Overall I feel like Sarah is more open to my presence and listens more to what I say. She responds more easily to my requests and is overall calmer. This morning she got something on her beloved hedgehog nightgown. Such occurrences in the past have resulted in screaming, whining, and impatience on her part. This morning I told her that I was about to start some laundry, and I noticed a stain on her nightgown, and I could wash it for her if she wanted. She calmly said she would put on her panda nightgown. OH MY GOODNESSS!!!!!! This is seriously an unheard of miracle!
It has been a couple of years since I filled out the ATEC questionnaire that attempts to give some objective qualification regarding autism. The lower the number the less autistic, or something like that. 3 years ago Sarah was at a 36. Now her score is 30. This feels like exciting progress, even though I also take it all with a grain of subjective salt. My perspective on the questions and my answers changes over time as much as Sarah changes.
I am amazed and grateful at the plethora of peaceful changes I am experiencing with Sarah. I am stunned and humbled by how the shifts within me brought this about. I can easily wish I had made the changes sooner, but I will focus on being so glad I am getting the help to make my personal changes now. My goal now is to ask for help often because the resources are available. I need only ask.
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