April 5

How are you being? This is such a strange time. I never actually expected to have one of these historic moments in my lifetime, and yet here we are. Most of the time I think I am doing well, feeling safe, not feeling anxious, and handling things well. Until I’m not. I went grocery shopping Friday evening, attempting to cover my face with a scarf but it fell down as soon as I got in the store and then I didn’t dare fix it because then I would have touched my face. I was super aware of my fellow humans and keeping enough space between us. I didn’t realize how stressful that was until I got in my car and let go of some of the stress. It then took an hour to put away the groceries because I was wiping or washing each item and I had stocked up so I won’t have to go back for a while. Sometimes it has worked to get groceries delivered from Whole Foods, but the demand is so high that lately that hasn’t been a possibility. A friend recommended a farm group that delivers to my house. That feels like an amazing gift and possibly solves almost all food situations going forward. I can get veggies (though not yet any that the girls would eat), bread, eggs, cheese, meat, milk, and maple syrup. We are still in fine shape regarding toilet paper, but given that the paper product shelves everywhere are perpetually bare, I do have some concern. I wonder why corporate TP makers can’t start making their products available. If someone needs TP I don’t think they will care if it fits on their holder or if it is a gigantic roll fit for a sports stadium. I found a place in Nevada that makes bamboo TP and will deliver a box in May. Not that you all needed to know this, but I want to write down what things are like so I can remember it later.

Most of the time with the girls things are going smoothly and easily. Except when they aren’t. I know that they are both stressed by not having some of their normal routines and friends, but given that I am more stressed being a full-time mom, I don’t feel like I have as much space to listen to them. I can listen to tears easily, but not to Sarah’s screaming or Amy’s strict requirements in a given situation that to my mind doesn’t warrant such rigidity. I have also been harder hit by some of the new measures recommended or required by the governor of Pennsylvania. I’m so glad to have a pro-active governor who is taking these important steps, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t also had feelings about them. What surprised me is the level of feelings given that the rulings just confirmed my expectations. Schools and non-essential businesses are now closed indefinitely. While I appreciate feeling safe at home, sometimes I think I will just crack when Sarah whines or yells for the umpteenth time. The day after the news was published, I cried multiple times through the day when I didn’t expect to given that the amount of kid yelling was the same as usual. It just all felt too hard. We are now all supposed to wear masks when we leave the house. This last measure was decided after I did my grocery shopping, but I was thinking I would prefer to have a mask anyway. Amazingly, we have had multiple offers to make us masks. I feel quite loved and seen. People know that sewing is not my forte! I made the simple masks using cloth and hairbands, but the cloth is too thickly folded so I need to make adjustments. Friday night I didn’t sleep well because all of my thoughts and dreams were about masks and the anxiety of needing them. Lastly, apparently the past few weeks have just been practice Distance Learning for Amy. Requirements will get real and things will be graded when she starts up again after spring break. Oh good! Because we wouldn’t want things to ever stay the same from one week to the next so I could actually get my bearings and feel like I knew what I was doing! Grumble grumble grumble. 

I don’t have much going on at the moment that I could see as my own project or passion. The online options for continued Alexander Technique training or massage classes just feel like way too much to even contemplate. I do aim to do a little reading and a little work on my book each day, but even those don’t always happen. If I have a thing I’m trying to do then that can give shape to any down time. However, it can also lead to heightened frustration if I’m interrupted or not able to do my stuff. This has been a struggle since becoming a mom. If I don’t have a thing I’m trying to do, it is like standing nearby when the girls play or eat. If I remain standing then things will remain calm and peaceful. If I sit, then all hell will immediately break loose. I know that’s not really true or correlated, but it feels like it is.

I’m in awe of Carl’s ability to really play with the girls. Yesterday they played in the backyard a lot, playing soccer and then running an ice cream store in the tree house. Carl evidently ordered two scoops of cranberry ice cream with a pickle on top! Today Carl is bringing out his massive bin of Legos from his childhood and they are doing a Lego day. I do lots of things with or around them to support their activities or feed them, but I don’t really play much anymore and the thought of doing so feels like it would require a huge amount of energy. I’m glad we have both of us since we make a good team. 

During their morning art time this week the girls started making Eastertines (a la valentines) and also excavated gems from plaster kits. The latter activity was messy but usually went well and spanned a long amount of time. Every week day the girls watch a recording of G reading a book. Having now watched various other people read books online, I am more in awe of G than ever before, which is saying something because we have known he is amazing for 10 years! He has a new hello song every day, he interacts with his audience and with the book, he gives kids time to think and guess about what is coming, he does different voices and sings songs. His energy and presence is engagingly wonderful. Sarah also has a weekly phone SR session with G, for which she happily scampers up to her room. The girls also had another art session Facetime call with Sc, which similarly feels like SR time as much as is possible in this new virtual world. 

Being quarantined hasn’t stopped Amy from going to camp. She packed everything she needed, including books, dolls, clothes, and a sleeping bag. Quarantine also hasn’t stopped the girls from riding the bus! It is a wooden bus that they made with Carl months ago. They used chalk to draw a crosswalk and other road markings on our sidewalk. Early in the week the girls had sleepovers in Sarah’s room. That was adorable and heartwarming. There are many moments of easy play that warm my heart and are amazing to witness, and there are many times when I have to break up physical fights. Yesterday, Amy got extremely mad at people and things. She made a list of the 4 things ruining her life: 1. Sarah 2. Dad 3. covid19 4. my blister [on her hand]. You see I evaded being on the list! 

Much love to all of you.