Today I see two paths. One is where I embrace the day with energy. The other is where I wilt inwardly, dreading the weeks to come and wanting to hide. Usually I am already on a path and my job is to allow myself to be there, moving on when ready or required. It is odd to see myself at such a choice point and feel the differences so clearly in my body.
This past Monday was a beautiful, sunny, relaxed, easy day. Until it wasn’t easy. Usually piano lessons have been relatively smooth sailing but this time Sarah and I clashed right before and during her lesson. I felt emotionally drained, tired, and empty for the rest of the day. Sarah seemed to bounce back to herself more quickly. In general, I’ve been letting myself cry more often, and I am reminded how much it helps me feel calmer and clearer. In theory I have known this all of my life, but it is easy to forget or not to make time for my tears.
I have had glimpses of the possible separation of my upset from Sarah. My exhaustion in response to Sarah’s upset isn’t actually about her upset. It is about mine. I’m exhausted from my upset. When I am upset that she makes a mess, it’s not about her making a mess. It is about my judging a mess to be bad. I feel hope about more freedom in my responses if I can continue to see the separation between such things. Friday morning I made donuts and Sarah wanted to help. At first I resisted and was saying it was for me to do, but then I decided it was ok if the batter slopped over the pans so I said yes. It felt as if I loosed a tight belt because I wasn’t resisting her anymore. She did a beautiful job with much less mess than I expected. I was proud of both of us.
In the pre-covid-19 world, we had planned on going to Florida for spring break. Since that couldn’t happen, the girls decided to make a pretend Florida in our backyard on a day that was warm and sunny. They wore swimsuits, played in the sandbox, stretched out on beach towels, and went to the ice cream store that I created when I heard them talking about such a thing. I made a menu with the options of fruit ice cream flavors and various toppings. They could choose banana, banana chocolate, banana strawberry, banana strawberry chocolate, or banana mango. Toppings included shredded coconut, chocolate chips, crushed thin mints, marshmallows, and graham crackers.
For a few nights in a row, Carl created a hidden clues hunt for the girls, akin to a treasure hunt except the last clue led them to bed. Carl has also been reading the Gordon Korman MacDonald Hall books to Amy at bedtime. If I’m not in the room I can always tell when Carl is done reading because of Amy’s loud wail of protest and her pleading for him to read more.
Pennsylvania schools are officially closed through the end of the academic year. While I expected this and “closed indefinitely” seemed quite similar, it still hit hard to see it officially and specifically determined. More tears. More letting myself wilt on the kitchen floor in a state of despair. Yet a small part of me wonders if I will miss this time when it is over because there is something wonderful about spending so much time together as a family.
When I was much younger I often worried about not doing well enough in school and thus being held back. I think my fears about that have been reemerging in my anxiety over managing the distance learning plan from Sarah and Amy’s schools. It turns out that the grading for Amy’s school will be pass/fail and I’m pretty sure that the level of work we were doing before will be sufficient. Sarah’s teacher is flexible and understanding so I don’t feel pressure there, just some sadness that there is no academic requirement for her because she’s really not at that point intellectually. She does some reading, writing, and math each day, but it probably takes 30 minutes total. So I know this will be fine and that even if I get stressed we will actually do a fine job and no one will be held back. This all still feels surreal and I still have some inner resistance and want to hide in the tiny space under my desk.
Amy has been getting hurt more often than usual and Carl pointed out that maybe it was from a growth spurt so she doesn’t quite know how to operate her longer body. We had been speculating that maybe she had passed Sarah’s height. Yesterday Carl measured them, confirming our suspicions. Amy is officially taller than Sarah. While I have expected this for years and known it would almost certainly happen, it still feels like a big deal. I feel a bit sad about it, as if it is one more way in which Sarah is falling behind and won’t ever catch up. This is like standing on the cusp of a choice about my day. I am often on a cusp about how I see Sarah. I can marvel at how far she has come or I can despair over how far she has to go or may never go. It feels like a delicate balance to honor all of the feelings and then still choose the positive path. Speaking of how far she has come, Sarah has now biked approximately 600 miles on Zwift since the end of January!
Easter morning dawned with a very excited Amy bunny who came in to snuggle with me but was a constantly wriggling ball of energy. Once everyone was ready the girls began to hunt for chocolate eggs and jelly beans. It is wonderful how each year Sarah gets better at the hunt. This year the bunny was very sneaky so there are still some items waiting to be found.
May you find love and ease hidden in plain sight.
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