December 27: Sincere Dears, Swimming Magic, and Some Christmas Dreams Come True

We are at our rental house and have had wonderful days playing at the beach that is one block away or in the heated pool that goes with the house. We even went in the pool on the days with a high of 54 degrees! Our first day at the new house was a bit stressful for me because there are lots of nice things that would be easy to break. There is one bedroom that has family heirloom lamps. No one is using that room. I also had battles with the stove because it is electric and has no markings to indicate what level of heat you have selected or where the knob is actually pointing. I had quite a battle trying to make grilled cheese, eventually succeeding after 20 minutes and with Carl’s help. So our meals are not fancy or complex at all! Last night Carl ordered pizza and opted for the 24” without quite realizing what that would mean. It was the biggest pizza we have ever seen! The slices were too big for the plates. It was also delicious. We will now have pizza for many meals. 

Christmas morning was the usual chaos with many wonderful gifts and some dreams come true. Amy was thrilled to receive a new witch hat custom made by Grandma. The only time Amy isn’t wearing her new hat is when she is at the beach or in the pool. She has also been diving into learning to draw cartoon characters from a book Carl gave her. Sarah had been wanting musical note bedsheets, a sundress, and pajamas for ages. I made all of those dreams come true. Except… the pajama pants didn’t come with a matching shirt. For a short but intense time Sarah had big feelings about this and so did I. I was frustrated that no matter how I try to meet her dreams there is always the next unattainable thing right around the next minute. Carl did find musical note pajamas that have a shirt and pants and they will arrive at our house shortly after we do. In the meantime, Sarah has settled into enjoying her other musical note things, carrying her pillow downstairs when she isn’t in her bedroom and making a fort from the sheets.

Sarah is doing an amazing job swimming for dive rings in the pool. This is a huge new skill for her. Amy is her usual mermaid self, the first in and the last out of the water. She becomes a sea witch and uses magic to transform into different sea creatures and to do tricks on her pool noodle brooms. Sometimes there are competitions with the grown-ups, but the only times Carl and I win are swimming races when it is the length of our bodies that gives us the advantage. Unless it is the butterfly stroke, in which case Amy still beats us. I hadn’t ever tried to do the butterfly before and I wonder who on earth came up with it and why anyone thinks it makes sense. It is hard! And it feels awkward! Amy makes it look easy.

I have had many cluster headaches. Sometimes they resolve in short order and sometimes they linger all night and I can barely sleep. I have to choose when to use the nasal spray because I don’t have enough to cover all of the headaches. Carl is a huge help, rubbing my back and neck so I can relax enough to sleep or at least not be in agony. Christmas eve night I slept soundly with no headache, but promptly got one as soon as I was upright. I did use a zomig spray then. While most of this experience on our vacation is wonderful, the headaches do cast a shadow and make some moments more of a struggle. Luckily I am mostly fine during the daytime, but then I get scared to go to bed because I know what is most likely waiting for me. 

Sarah loves to have a midday nap with me so that helps me get sleep to make up for the bad nights. At one point when Sarah asked to do “my dear my dear” snuggle time (which often now means nap time), I said she was a sincere dear. She latched onto “sincere” and now likes to pretend to be a swim teacher or swim student named Sincere. She also likes to spell it. We trade saying “you’re sincere, my dear my dear.”

I hope you are all well, with peaceful nights and stoves that make sense.

December 20: Snow, Cluster Headaches, and more Mama Mouse School House

We had another good week of Mama Mouse School House. When Sarah and I did our snuggle time sometimes we talked about muscles and bones. She mostly knows biceps, triceps, deltoid, and scapula. When she brought up the chain on my necklace and how she wants to sleep on a chain that holds a sign for a pizza shop in Squirrel Hill, I connected chains to chain mail. Chain mail connected to Granddad and how he made his own chain mail when I was little. I helped him make it when I was maybe 4 or 5 by holding a yellow plastic bowl filled with the loose links ready to be formed into the chainmail. I’m sure you can see what an important role that was. Anyway, Granddad sent pictures of the chain mail. That history lesson spanned maybe 5 minutes if I’m lucky, but it still felt like a good effort. Sarah and I also learned a bit more about praying mantises, such as how carnivorous they are and that sometimes they are yellow or pink.

We got a wonderful and beautiful amount of snow mid-week. Sarah completely independently got herself suited up and went out to shovel the walk and brush snow off the car! After all the snow had fallen those tasks were ultimately for me and it was quite a workout. We got 10 inches of heavy snow. Sarah doesn’t always want to spend time outside but when there is snow she is quite the little polar bear. She walked around the block many times to get to and from school. She especially delighted in climbing the mountains of snow where people had piled their shovelfuls. Amy flew to and from school on her broom, as is her custom. She also oversaw final exams at Magic Academy. I led the potions exam and helped them make a heartwarming potion that might remind you of minty hot chocolate but really was made of shark blood, pixie dust, kitten whiskers, frog eggs, and a claw from a blast-ended skrewt, a la Harry Potter.  

I made Norwegian Christmas bread from a recipe that my mom and I have tried for years. It came from a magazine long ago and it tastes delicious, though it never bakes well. It burns on the bottom and is gooey in the middle. This time I thought more about how I make normal whole wheat bread and realized I could change many things for the Christmas bread. I’m wavering between just wanting to try one of the many alternate recipes online and wanting to wage war on the original recipe until I get it right. Either way, I’m enjoying my 4 burned soggy loaves of dense bread with dried and candied fruit. Toasted and with margarine, it is a treat.

Sarah and Amy had a Christmas party on Facetime during their weekly SR time with Sc. This time I got to overhear most of their time together and I was in awe of Sc for how she coached Sarah in “by step by step” (as Sarah calls it) drawing. I think that is where Sarah gets her love of that process and Sc is masterful with describing how to do each step and having Sarah say “check!” after each step. I believe they drew sad mice in profile wearing musical note clothing and crying musical notes. 

The most difficult part of the past few weeks has been the return of my cluster headaches, breaking through my levels of medication that are supposed to keep them at bay. The last time this happened it took two rounds of prednisone to get things under control. Today is my last day on my second round of prednisone and I can tell the headaches are waiting in the wings. I have 9 doses of a nasal spray I can use if I get super bad headaches and when we get home I will hopefully be able to try a new medication that involves giving myself 3 consecutive injections once a month. Why oh why couldn’t they put all of the meds in one injection?!!!!!! For migraine sufferers who take the same thing, it is one large injection. But for cluster sufferers it is 3 in a row. !!!!!!!!!! I do not like needles. I do not want to give myself shots. I am not happy about this at all but I also need something because it is really untenable to get cluster headaches all the time. Aside from the return of the headaches, all is really well and wonderful. 

Now we are in a rental RV wending our way to a rental house in Florida. Grandpa, masked and safely distanced, helped us get out to the RV rental place with all of our stuff and then got our picture before we hit the road. This way we can have a change of scene for Christmas but also not see anyone. Yesterday was awesome and wonderful in many ways, but it was also fraught with tensions and meltdowns. In hindsight there are many things we could have done differently that would have made things easier, but so it goes with hindsight. When we were loaded in the RV and ready to go, Sarah had a huge upset mainly about how the seatbelt was too tight. The seatbelt that had enough leeway to go around many different sizes of person. The seatbelt she hadn’t even tried yet. Eventually the storm passed and we set out on our way. Our timing estimates were vastly different from reality given that we are now in a beast of a vehicle that has trouble making it up to the speed limit on a hill. We also stopped more often that usual for bathroom breaks and snacks. I am forever indebted to Carl for dealing with many things, most especially emptying the sewage tube this morning! He has also done all of the driving. As we say often, we are a good team. I did a ton of planning and preparation for our travel supplies and now he gets to deal with the stressful bits of how to manage the RV. Our cat is at home in good hands, along with the 12 ripe avocados that I meant to bring! Aside from that, I think I remembered everything.

Lots of love to all of you. May your seatbelts fit and your bread bake well.

December 13: Mama Mouse School House

Sarah’s newest snuggle-time favorite is for us to trade saying, “you are my dear, my dear.” It is very sweet. I have tried building more rhymes, such as “water is clear dear,” but that hasn’t taken off like the things that rhyme with “four.” She also says that the snuggling is giving her more forks (mental health energy). I have realized that often when she asks to do “my dear, my dear” it is best if I can accommodate even if just for 5 minutes. It doesn’t have to be a long break time, but she does request such times after doing a chunk of work or live meetings.

This week we had Mama Mouse School House as we did not have Anna here. Anna has created such a wonderful framework for Sarah’s school days that Sarah was open to my presence in a way that was vastly different from our time in March. I think she would happily spend all day doing step-by-step drawings of mice and musical notes, cutting out the musical notes, and taping them to her mice drawings. She made art for Carl, Amy, and herself and delivered it under doors and to our front porch. It is simultaneously amazing and humdrum that she can spend so much time attending to something I am doing and copying it. Her cutting, writing, and reading skills knock my socks off. She did a little math each day with a game Anna created called Mathematical Emergency. Sarah rolls large wooden dice, then Sarah writes the numbers as an equation in a notebook and uses a colorful step number line and a magnetic Paper-Sarah-Wearing-Musical-Notes figure to move up the number line and solve the equation. Then she writes the answer in her notebook. Anna created the materials and the game. Anna also works on writing and reading by using a white board to write sentences based on what Sarah has just been talking about. Sarah reads the sentences which are thus both new and familiar. For writing, Anna writes sentences in a notebook in pen with a dark line underneath on which Sarah can copy the text. I used both of these ideas, adapting them to help Sarah learn something about praying mantises. Whenever I would mention Science or History and suggest that I could read from a kids’ book and she could listen, Sarah would adamantly refuse with much screaming. But… if I surreptitiously read some of the text for myself and wrote out what I learned on the white board and in Sarah’s writing notebook then Sarah happily read and wrote about science. I feel sneaky and clever. Also, a baby praying mantis is very tiny. Sarah loves talking about how tiny she was as a baby and how the nurses called her “Peanut.” So it is easy to connect new information to a beloved topic.

Sarah helped me make my bed and hers with clean sheets, working on getting the fitted corner around the mattress corner. She also gets cereal for herself completely independently. She did 5 minutes of gym/PE daily including plank, push-ups, running in place or around the room, and jumping jacks. She read Goodnight Moon out loud many times. She practiced piano without (much) pushback. She did her live times without needing assistance from me, thus freeing me to check on Amy or do work in the kitchen. She did let me read (out loud) half of a book about Ben Franklin and remembered from earlier times with Anna that Ben Franklin invented the lightning rod. We had a good time together overall and it felt amicable and easy, especially once I learned not to mention words like Science or History. Each afternoon Amy led us in a Magic Class. We had Potions, Transfiguration, and Care of Magical Creatures. After the latter class, Amy rewarded the stuffed cats with toasted mice from our Mousetrap game.

Amy tried the Barracuda pre-swim-team class and HATED it. She felt new and awkward and like she wasn’t as good as the other kids. From my vantage point I had no idea she was struggling until I saw her face at the end. She was absolutely as strong a swimmer as the rest, if not stronger than some. She absolutely kept up with all that was going on. However, given that is was 1/2 hour drive each way and the class is at 7pm, I’m totally in support of her not joining this class and just continuing as a Shark 2 once her usual class resumes when covid-restrictions loosen again. I also don’t want to force her to do anything she hates. I feel like there is a profound lesson here somehow about how many of us can be struggling in various ways and thinking we aren’t up to snuff when we are doing splendidly to the view of observers. At the same time, if something feels too hard and not fun, it is actually ok to stop and not force it. There’s no formula that I know of for when to push through and when to stop, but I know I have certainly had moments of each throughout my life and was glad for each choice I made in whatever direction. 

Yesterday Sarah and Amy decorated a gingerbread house that I had made over the course of a couple of days. The walls are so large that it needs two days of assembly and drying to be sturdy enough for decoration. I assisted Sarah in making musical notes out of nonpareils and candy canes. Amy made a face on her side of the roof. When we were done Amy had a great time acting out all of the emotions from Inside Out. Later in the afternoon we had a family zoom reunion with my step-mother’s side of the family and we all delighted in watching a slide-show of family members and seeing each other’s faces in live time. Sarah’s favorite part was racing wind-up reindeer that had been mailed to each household ahead of time. After the zoom, Sarah and Carl made a toy Goodnight Moon house from Legos. The roof opens and Sarah keeps putting a foot inside because she wants to be in the house. We finished the day with a snuggly evening of pizza and "The Muppet’s Christmas Carol.”

May you feel supported in all that you do, whether in stopping or persevering, or finding new paths to your goals.

December 6: An Abundance of Wonderful Moments

This week is full of wonderful moments. Our Christmas tree is up and decorated as of Monday. Sarah, true to form, wore shorts when we went to get it. The decorating goes faster each year and the ornaments are more evenly spread at all height levels. 

We learned that Amy is ready to join the Barracuda (pre)swim team if she wants. I have made inquiries and we will give it a try. It is still part of the British Swim School just at a different pool from where she has been taking lessons. 

Sarah had us cracking up on multiple occasions. When I was with her one night for her bedtime routine she was playing at saying she was down in the dumps. Then she pointed at her floor and said, “That is the dumps.” One day at lunch she wanted her clothes to squeak as she walked, the way some pants make noise. She was wearing pajama shorts though, so she scampered off and gleefully returned wearing her snowpants and exaggerating her walk to make the sound more notable. She was so pleased and we were so surprised that we were practically in tears laughing. Meanwhile, Sarah finds it hilarious to talk about wearing (or not wearing) clogs in the snow. Anna has clogs and Sarah wanted some so together they made paper clogs for both of them. 

Sarah loves to sing the line from “Hickory Dickory Dock” about “the clock struck four, he ran out the door!” As the days go by we continue to elaborate on all of the things the mouse does that rhyme with “four.” 

Hickory dickory dock, the mouse ran up the clock, the clock struck four, he ran out the door, and polished the floor, and came back for more, and asked for a tour, and went to the store, and threw out the core, and said a prayer to Thor, and wrote to Al Gore, and tried not to be a bore, and tried not to snore, and had water to pour, and told tales of yore, and packed for the shore!

Amy has started wearing her hedgehog nightgown again. She used to love hers and thought it would be ok if Sarah had one too, but when Sarah did start wearing one then Amy began hating her own because it didn’t seem special. I refused to give it away. Not only did Amy wear her nightgown this week, she even encouraged Sarah to wear hers at the same time. 

Sarah started reading one of Amy’s easy chapter books! Of her own volition. Amy is letting Sarah borrow the book, Dr. Kitty Cat and Peanut the Mouse, and Sarah has been reading aloud to Anna and answering questions about the content of her reading!!! This is amazing. 

Amy likes to watch “Descendants” about the offspring of evil fairy tale characters. Sarah and Amy often sing duets of one of the songs, looking joyfully at each other as they belt out the lines about the wicked world and being rotten to the core. If we play the actual song then they each bust out their dance moves. 

Overall I feel like Sarah is quite noticeably more connected in conversations. One thing that helps is when I remember to count to 15 before repeating my question or assuming she isn’t going to respond. Often it is after the point when I think she isn’t going to say anything that she speaks. 

I have learned to rephrase things when Sarah has to wait for Anna to arrive. In general she is having an easier time with this, in part because she continues to observe the science class taught by her homeroom teacher. When that is over or when Anna has a later start time then I have stopped saying, “let’s do…. while you wait.” I think the word “wait” triggers her impatience. So I have reframed it as having special Mom-Sarah time or Dad-Sarah time. I think it helps.

Speaking of waiting for things, Sarah is soooooo eager for Christmas. She has x-ed out all of the days on the calendar hoping that will make Christmas be NOW. Sometimes I can feel annoyed as she asks for the hundreth time if it is Christmas yet. Yesterday I started asking her, playful-impatiently and she sweetly told me “no” not yet and then I could also tickle and tease her when she started asking again. We had many good snuggle times about waiting for Christmas mixed in with our usual repetitions about being mice snuggled together in the house and singing hickory dickory dock. She also likes to say she’s as tiny as a pea or as tiny as a pussywillow catkin. One evening Amy created a contest over who could say the tinier thing. Carl and I would whisper our answers in her ear and she would be the judge. Sometimes Carl judged between Amy and me. The tiniest thing overall might have been the speck of glitter. Sarah only sometimes likes to add items to her list of what she compares to tinywise. You know you really got a good one if she repeats it, but sometimes she doesn’t repeat it until days later, as with “tiny as the tip of your nose.”

May you have special-time instead of waiting-time for anything you are eagerly anticipating. If you think of anything more that rhymes with four, let me know! Who knows? a goal you might score!

November 29: Thanksgiving, Being Together, and Mice

I hope you had a happy Thanksgiving. We were grateful for the beautiful weather for our outdoor, safely distanced, masked-except-when-eating meal with Carl’s family. It is odd to write “Carl’s family” when everyone is now my family too, but that tells you the connection of origin. Amy wanted an appropriate outfit so she cut leaves out of construction paper and taped them to herself since real leaves weren’t sticking to the tape. 

We recently watched the movie “Inside Out” and Sarah’s favorite character is, unsurprisingly, Sadness. Amy drew pictures of each character, starting with Sadness. Sarah likes to pretend to be Sadness face down on the floor and then Amy pretends to be Joy dragging Sadness by her foot. If you haven’t yet seen the movie, I highly recommend it. It is a good reminder that all of our feelings are important and we don’t need to force ourselves to be happy if we aren’t.

I had a small perspective shift regarding Sarah’s frequent requests to do “tiny tiny” snuggle time with me. I so often can feel slightly annoyed at the timing of the request, but I realized that I could translate her request to “Mom, I want to spend time with you.” That may seem like an obvious translation, but until I made it that clear I hadn’t quite seen it. What a wonderful request it is now. I may still not always be ready to drop everything to do it, but it feels a bit easier now. 

Given the rising numbers of Covid-19 cases I have closed my business for the remainder of the year. I don’t know if I’ll reopen in January. My protocols within my office space are designed for protecting against transmission from someone who is asymptomatic so in theory I could keep working. But I feel better about reducing the overall risk to my family and clients by canceling what I can. 

Every Saturday morning Sarah and Amy have a zoom session with Mom-Mom and Amy gives drawing lessons. Yesterday Amy drew a Witch Mouse and Wizard Mouse and also helped Sarah draw a Musical Note Mouse.

I hope you are all well and giving yourself room for all of your feelings.

November 22: Piano Recital and Better Mornings

Last Sunday Sarah had her first virtual piano recital. She has had recitals before, but they were all in person. She wore her musical note shirt, shorts, and scarf for the occasion and she did a beautiful job playing her pieces. Carl helped with the zoom while Amy and I stayed upstairs so we wouldn’t distract Sarah, but we still dressed in fancy clothes for the occasion. 

As you know, weekday mornings Sarah has routinely had a very hard time waiting for Anna to arrive. I have felt grumpy about her upset because it would always happen as I was trying to exercise or do something else to prepare for my day. Tuesday morning I somewhat sadly gave up any of my goals to snuggle with Sarah and do “tiny tiny” and “tick tock” while waiting. It seemed to help her pass the time. So Wednesday morning I decided that every morning from 8:10 (when Sarah’s homeroom ends) until 9am (Anna’s arrival) I would do “tiny tiny” with Sarah. I would have no other goal than to be fully available to her. So of course, Sarah decided to attend her homeroom teacher’s virtual class that followed homeroom! She didn’t want me with her. So there I was ready to play and with no other plans, thus at loose ends! Thursday morning was the same. Friday mornings are slightly unpredictable with homeroom and it doesn’t always happen since the in-person students are heading over to Mass. Sarah was upset that there wasn’t homeroom and didn’t want to attend Mass, but she was open to hanging out with me in her room and drawing pictures, cutting out musical notes, and taping them to the pictures. So often in life I don’t want to fully change my course of thought or action until I know that such a change will help, and yet that’s not the way it seems to work. To have any change I needed to fully commit to embracing things as they were and then suddenly they weren’t that way anymore. I know my sample size for the change is small, so it is possible that after writing about it everything will change again.

Last weekend I made bread and Amy drew in the flour on the counter to create a witch. Her drawn witches often have their hands held slightly behind their back, thus avoiding the need to draw hands, which can be so awkward. She continues to dress as a witch and had a wonderful moment conversing with our black cat. She and Anna and Sarah had potions class on Friday afternoon and other various magical classes throughout the week. 

May you all have easy solutions to any awkward moments.

November 15: Magic Academy, Waiting, and Progress

Each weekday morning Amy got ready for Magic Academy and some days Sarah joined her for the bus ride on our porch swing or for the walk (fly?) around the block to get to school. Each weekday morning Sarah also spent some time whining, screaming, and crying for Anna to arrive. Sometimes I handled it calmly and supportively. Other times I didn't. We have made an adjustment to the Thursday timing which used to be 10-6. From now on, until I finish teaching my Thursday afternoon class, it will be 9-5. Waiting until 10 was just interminable, but waiting until 9 will match the other days, and at the end of the day Sarah doesn’t seem to mind saying goodbye to Anna and finding other things to do.

Yesterday the kids had a zoom with Mom-Mom, who commented to me afterward that Sarah’s attention and clarity of speech were notably improved. I have also noticed her clarity and communication are clearer for portions of a weekly family zoom with Grammy and Granddad. Sometimes it is hard to come to terms with how much her progress now isn’t due to anything I’m doing. I remind myself that just as I would happily refer a massage client out if I thought someone else could do more effective work, I am referring out to Anna as someone who can do more effective work. I also know that once I do things regularly or know things regularly then they become invisible to my own assessment. So short daily sessions of “tiny tiny” and “tick tock” may seem like nothing but may be important in the big picture of Sarah’s progress. 

Sarah’s “tick tock goes the very big clock” has become hilarious when she is on my bed swinging her legs back and forth with such velocity we both say “whoa!” as she nearly falls off the bed. Then she moves her arms and legs rapidly like a bug on its back when she is going “ticky ticky ticky ticky ticky ticky tock” as the small clock. Mostly I am the one to say the words, at her request, while she moves herself. 

Sarah’s newest love is the smoosh her nose into Anna’s nose or Carl’s. She would also like to smoosh into my nose but I don’t like it at all. I will happily accept her chin presses into my head forever because they feel amazing to me, whereas Carl doesn’t like chin presses at all. It’s a good thing we all have different preferences and skill sets.

November 8: The Election and Sarah-Rise wonderfulness

I spent much of my time the past week hitting “refresh” on my election update page. I am beyond relieved that Biden and Harris won. Tears ran down my cheeks as I listened to Harris and realized what an incredible moment in time this is. I feel like I can breathe again and that the trauma that began 4 years ago can begin to heal. It baffles me how the people on either side of the election just cannot fathom the other’s viewpoint. It is akin to the dress from years ago that people saw as white/gold or blue/black. How can people see one object so differently and absolutely? I admit that my most difficult moments with Sarah often happen when she just doesn’t make sense to me with her lack of reason. We yell and scream at each other at the top of our lungs (sometimes). But then we always return to snuggling and remembering we love each other. I sincerely hope that the tensions that have had so many people so tightly wound and wounded can begin to ease now that we will have someone in charge of the country who does not encourage divisiveness and derision. I have had glimmers of understanding that somehow the people who supported the person I didn’t vote for simply could look past the lies and atrocious behavior, seeking the policy changes. That understanding helps things seem like normal politics with normal disagreements, so I can begin to fathom the divide a tiny bit.

I admit to having trouble remembering anything else from the week. Was there anything else going on? Our cat started coming into Amy’s room every evening to sleep on the bottom bunk of an American Girl Doll bunkbed. Amy spent time being a siren (ala mermaids rather than emergency sounds) and Sarah actively requested to do math with Anna. Sarah’s math, reading, and writing are all leaps and bounds beyond where she was a couple of months ago. I think most of us experience at least one person in our lives as being a total safe haven where we are just on the same wave length and that person can teach us things that others can’t. Anna is that person for Sarah, which means that Sarah is spending more time happily practicing academic skills than ever before. This moment in Sarah’s life reminds me of when we started the Sarah-Rise program for her and her language suddenly started leaping and bounding ahead. I honestly can’t comprehend how we are so blessed to have Anna but I will just continue to thank the universe and our luck and Anna. Anna continues to affirm that the real star is Sarah and that perspective is why Anna is such an amazing facilitator for Sarah’s learning. 

Sarah and Amy have weekly SR sessions with Sc via Facetime and Sarah’s room is always evidence of a good time being had because it is strewn with art supplies or costumes. Amy often has a grumpy feeling when the time is over because she has so much fun she doesn’t want it to end. Sarah has weekly Facetime sessions with G, often asking him about his clothes or what he is going to read. I love that these SR times can continue virtually with new skills being acquired because of the virtual format. My heart also occasionally has a small moments of feeling deeply sad that we cannot see these wonderful people in person. I feel that way about other friends and family too. Mostly we are used to how things are, but every once in a while it is hard. Just as Amy has a few times a week of crying about how much better/easier things would be if she could be in school in person. 

Yesterday was a gorgeous day for blowing bubbles, drawing rainbows, playing card games, and making a potion in a cauldron. Amy cuddled up as a cat on my lap. I know these moments will at some point cease to occur so I drink them in with my whole being. Sarah and I had some clashes but also some sweet tick-tock snuggles, trading giving each other kisses on the head. 

I send you cat snuggles and joyful dances. 

November 1: Halloween and Fork Insights

For Halloween Sarah was a Musical Note House (the house from Goodnight Moon) with a door that opened and closed. Anna was also a Musical Note House. Sarah refused to put on her costume until Anna arrived and then she promptly donned her cardboard box and cardboard roof hat. Amy was Dory the Witch and I was the Big Witch; Olivia was their cat Gink and she already had the necessary black fur. Carl was a Covid-19 vaccine. Halloween was wonderful. The kids went trick-or-treating with Anna, all wearing masks, while Carl and I stayed at home to slide candy down the candy slide. Evidently, Sarah loved walking around as a house and delightedly announced, “I’m a house!” at each stop. After trick-or-treating we all had a warm dinner and then Carl and I went to an outdoor, socially-distanced, masked party while Anna stayed to tell ghost stories with the kids and get them to bed. Amy had such a fun day that she is having a hard time today dealing with the feelings of disappointment that Halloween is over.

Sarah and I continue to do daily rounds of "tick-tock-tick-tock goes the very big clock…” with me moving her legs or with her sitting on my lap and me rocking us both back and forth. We also continue our snuggle times with saying “tiny tiny tiny, shiny shiny shiny” and her other favorite phrases. She often gives me kisses on the head or nose. With Anna, Sarah has been singing “hickory dickory dock” while Anna adjusts the hands of a learning clock so Sarah can practice telling time. Sc often draws pictures during her SR time, following the dictations of Sarah and Amy. This week I put the pictures in protective pages in a binder and Sarah loves this new book. The most recent pages were delivered last night and included several pictures of mice with “hickory dickory dock” and then the mice climb different objects and have different rhyming responses. I love all of this. There are so many educational frameworks that ask kids to behave according to what their age peers typically do rather than meeting them exactly where they are. I love that Sarah is interested in revisiting the rhymes and movements she experienced as a baby and toddler. In my mind, this allows her to process things that maybe she wasn’t ready to process in her younger years. 

Amy had her first in-person, outdoor, safely-distanced, masked playdate with her BFF since mid-March. Even though it was chilly and wet, she had a wonderful time. 

Recently, I learned about the Spoon Theory and Fork Theory. The basic idea is that each person wakes up with a given number of spoons (energy units) per day and this can vary immensely based on what a person is dealing with in their life. When you spend your spoons you don’t get more until the next day so something might be impossibly spoon-expensive for you but be spoon-cheap to someone who woke up with twice as many spoons. Forks are mental-health units and can be replenished but only if you spend forks up front to do the thing that will give you more forks. So while you might know a shower will give you 10 forks, you have to spend 5 to take the shower and if you only have 3 then no amount of reasoning will help you take that shower. This has helped me think about Sarah differently when she has such a hard time waiting for Anna to arrive. I can suggest biking on Zwift or reading or playing piano and all ideas are met with resistance. Now I understand that she just doesn’t have the forks to do those things at that time. She just can’t. The only things she can do are whining, yelling, grumping, snuggle time, looking at the Sc drawings, and talking about Anna.

I also watched a bit more of the online Son-Rise training and was reminded that when Sarah isms she is doing the best she can to take care of herself. When Sarah doesn’t have the forks to do something other than wait impatiently and ask every minute when Anna will arrive and where Anna is, I have now had some times of responding more comfortably than in the past. I have answered with the most current minute count every time she asks, and I have imagined where Anna might be. When we know Anna is driving here then I talk about various landmarks Sarah knows so she can picture Anna passing them on the way. This seems to help somewhat. It at least helps me not to be resisting where Sarah is. Yesterday was still a bit rough because Sarah had to wait all day, but, given that, she actually did really well.

May you have plenty of spoons and forks.

October 25: Carving Pumpkins and Waiting

In case there was any confusion based on my previous update, Sarah is still at her usual school virtually, but that translates into having a lot of amazing time with Anna. Anna helps with Sarah’s live meetings when Sarah needs assistance and continues to knock my socks off with the play-based lessons they design for the non-zoom time, which is most of the day. I had Sarah’s IEP meeting virtually this week and it went well, as they always do because I’m rarely asking for any changes. If we didn’t have Anna then I probably would have pushed for more zooms, but now I’m ambivalent about that because I would rather Sarah get the quiet time with Anna! The only thing I requested was a 15 second wait time after asking Sarah a question. It is a good reminder for me too and a skill most grown-ups need to work on regarding most kids. Usually adults give about 2 seconds of silence before re-asking/re-wording, but this restarts the cognitive processing so it actually makes it take longer. There was a moment recently when I asked Sarah something and thought she hadn’t registered my question. Luckily I was counting to 15 in my head because after 10 seconds Sarah answered my question! Later, embarrassingly, I didn’t give Amy time to answer something and she called me on it. 

One evening I kissed Sarah on the head and she asked me why I had done so. Now she likes to tell me that I kissed her on the head because I love her.

Sarah’s “tiny, tiny, tiny, shiny, shiny, shiny” routine has expanded based on her memory of a movement song/game we used to do when she was little. We say “tick tock tick tock goes my very big clock, but my little tiny clock goes ticky ticky ticky ticky ticky ticky tock.” When she was small I used to hold her under the armpits and swing her whole body as if she was the clock pendulum. Now she moves her self or her head.

Yesterday Sarah, Amy, and Carl carved pumpkins to make a cat-o-latern and a mouse-o-latern. They also made a candy slide so we can deliver treats from a safe distance. The girls are quite excited about going trick-or-treating, especially because Anna is going to be with them. Anna helped Sarah create her costume so she can be the house from Goodnight Moon decorated with musical notes. I am confused as to whether or not she is simultaneously going to be Hello Kitty since that has also been mentioned. I assume this will become clear on Halloween night. Amy is going to be a witch and has been riding her broomstick around the block every weekday to get to school (at our house). 

I give you all a kiss on the head.

October 18: Struggles, Snuggles and Detective Sarah

When Sarah was a tiny baby there were times that I felt trapped because any time I would try to do something I wanted to do she would start crying. My mom reminded me that I was actually allowed to still have a life. It was ok to go for a walk with Sarah and it was ok if she cried. Once I made the internal switch to remembering that I had some power then we would go for a walk, our crying would ebb, and life would be better. Sometimes now I feel trapped by various parts of life and forget that I’m allowed to do certain things even if everyone isn’t happy about it. I can feel that my very presence messes everything up and derails Sarah’s focus or equilibrium, while simultaneously feeling weary about how often Sarah wants to snuggle with me so that I never get to do my own thing! And very often “my own thing” is cooking or cleaning or doing laundry! This doesn’t leave me with much room to be me. I’m trying to remember the equivalent of “I do get to go for a walk.”

Sarah’s latest favorite script for our snuggle time is to say “shiny shiny shiny, tiny tiny tiny.” I added “teeny tiny and sheeny shiny.” This started when she was looking at her baby pictures. She was a tiny baby! We also expand on the theme to include past themes involving sad mice or “shave and a haircut two bits.” Recently we employed Bandits On The Run to create singing telegrams for Sc. and Anna based on their playtime with Sarah and Amy. Sarah loves to sing the songs and we often take turns with verses as we snuggle, sometimes changing the words to include more of Sarah’s loves.

Carl and Anna and I had a meeting to discuss Sarah and schooling. It was wonderful. It reminded me of SR team meetings from years past when we would come up with amazing new ideas. One of our favorite ideas is to have Detective Sarah. She so often asks questions about life and the world that I answer but don’t answer in depth. Now Detective Sarah has a notebook for such questions (with Anna as the scribe) and then Anna can use those questions to explore all sorts of subjects with Sarah. Recently, when they went for  a walk Sarah noticed a lightning rod on a house and asked about it. When they got home, Anna helped Sarah make a lightning rod for her small house. Sarah wrote about the purpose of lightning rods on a speech bubble that was attached to the pipe-cleaner rod that was attached to the small house. The speech bubble and lines were drawn by Anna. Sarah did the cutting and writing. Amazing! They also made a paper door with a label about the function of hinges. When you open the paper door you find a picture of Sarah. I feel like we went from wondering how to possibly engage Sarah in things pertaining to science or history to suddenly seeing the entry-point to a million possibilities. Of course Sarah’s own questions are the doorway. How did I not think of this before?? As with so many things, once something is realized it is blindingly obvious, but before it is realized we are blind to it. 

Anna and Sarah have been doing math with the small house, placing objects inside while counting or adding the number of things inside and outside the house. Sarah writes in her journal daily with Anna’s help, writing about her experiences or loves. Her writing is clearer than ever and she writes much more than ever before. Anna also helps Sarah with her reading by writing sentences about what they were recently doing and then Sarah reads the sentences out loud. This seems to be helping Sarah speak more clearly in general. There have been many times in the past few years when I have thought I should get the Sarah-Rise program going in full again, but then I have always felt like I just couldn’t. I just don’t have it in me. It is a dream come true to now have Anna running Sarah’s schooling in a full-SR way, better than I could have imagined. My jaw drops on a daily basis when I see what they create. This is a most positive side-effect of Covid-19.

I can see that for all of my struggles, my main goal is that the people who live in our house or frequent it feel supported in being their full selves. Sarah and I just need help making room for our full selves so they don’t get tangled.

You get to go for a walk.

October 11: Surgery and School Decisions

Thank you all for the mid-week support for Sarah’s surgery. It helped me feels supported and less anxious. Carl said Sarah handled everything beautifully. He was with her when she went under the anesthesia, but he said she would have been fine without him. The tooth fairy showed up (for the last visit ever for Sarah!!) with appropriately numerous gifts. Sarah received 2 Kit Kats and 3 books. She didn’t give a fig about the chocolate bars, but eagerly started reading her new books. Somehow the TF knew she would be delighted to own The Monster At The End Of This Book, the sequel with Elmo, and Pete the Cat and the Perfect Pizza Party. Two out of the three books had recently been featured on “Mr. Greg Reads” and Sarah often likes to have her own copy so she can follow along and do Ms. Sarah reads. When Sarah had her Facetime session with G, she read Goodnight Moon to him. It is so earnest and adorable. 

When I was tucking Sarah in at night after her surgery she asked if she could have another surgery the next day. I asked what part of the experience she was wanting to have again. She said, “to hang out on the hospital bed with Dad.” That is so sweet. I reminded her she can hang out on a bed with him anytime, without needing to have surgery or be in a hospital. 

Amy enjoyed being a witch for much of last week, but her dried Play-Doh wands kept breaking. I decided she needed a wand that wouldn’t break so a wand and cauldron should be arriving soon. Overall things are going well for Amy, but she definitely struggles if she is still doing school work at 5pm. Then everything feels too hard. So I think I need to nudge more firmly to get her started earlier in the day, even though she resists my nudges. Every morning she still needs time to pack her backpack, don her witch hat, and run around the block to get to witch school. 

Decisions about remote schooling continue to be challenging every time we have to make a choice. Amy’s school will have an option for kids to be in person to do their virtual learning. There was strong encouragement for parents to only opt for that if it was really needed. So Amy will continue at home and I didn’t even tell her about the choice. Sarah will also continue at home through the next quarter, but we know that she will probably be one of a very few doing so. The wonderful thing is that her school hasn’t had any cases of covid-19 so we are considering having her return at the end of January. From talking with other parents in general, I know I am not the only one to question all of my decisions all of the time.

I hope your decisions are feeling clear and easy. I just remembered the wise advice from a friend of mine. If you don’t know the answer easily, then maybe you are asking yourself the wrong question. As usual I keep asking what the right decision is and what I should do. What if I ask “what will I feel most comfortable with? What nurtures my entire family the most at this moment?” That is easier. I know those are underlying my should/right questions anyway, but it is easier to feel the answer if I reword things. So, may you easily ask yourself a helpful question.

October 4: Allergic reactions, mouse math, and Philly

Did you know that you can have a delayed histamine reaction to bad dairy? So that super itchy hives and blotchy skin and congestion begin possibly 6 hours after having the old cottage cheese that your mother thought smelled and looked ok but apparently was not ok? Now we know. Sarah was the victim of my cottage cheese misjudgment. Claritin and Pepsid AC came to the rescue, under the guidance of Sarah’s doctor via a telemedicine appointment. I am relieved that Sarah wasn’t sick, but it was certainly a time of puzzled worry as the itchiness increased. 

Every school morning Sarah has a really reeeeeeeeeeeaaaalllly HARD time waiting for Anna to arrive (to put it mildly). My suggestions of what she could do while she waits fall on resistant ears. Carl had the idea to ask Anna to talk with Sarah about the situation. Anna wrote a note for Sarah that says “Dear Sarah, I miss you. See you soon. Please do something you LOVE while you wait. xoxo Anna.” They made a map of a bike route that Sarah could follow on her stationary Zwift bike to ride to Anna’s house. They started a list of things Sarah could do while waiting. Day one with the new plan was still a bit challenging, but only in very specific moments when Sarah was maybe feeling like she didn’t do something well. She was late to homeroom so didn’t get to say hello to her homeroom teacher and Carl called her on laughing at Amy when Amy was sad. It was in those moments that Sarah then immediately requested Anna. 

I have never seen Sarah enjoy practicing her writing or her math the way she does now with Anna. She has been doing math problems involving how many mice are in a house. The house is divided into an attic and a downstairs. Different numbers of mice go in each space. After drawing the house, the dividing line, and the mice, she then circles each mouse as she counts it. 

Last weekend we decorated our porch for Halloween. Before winding an orange and black garland around our stair railing, Amy tucked it in her waistband to be the longest cat tail in the world. Amy also received her mermaid-pattern dress that Grandma made. Amy wears it daily. It is black with rainbow mermaids and purple satin trim, and a pocket! Olivia seems to like the dress too because she often curls up in Amy’s lap, much to Amy’s delight.

Yesterday I drove to and from Philadelphia for a few hours of a distanced, masked porch visit with my mom and stepfather. As I began the drive, my rental car started complaining about overheating. So as I drove down the turnpike with the heat cranked to the max and the windows open, Carl arranged things so I could exchange the car at a different Enterprise along the way. Thank goodness! My feet were roasting, my hair was windblown, and I was grateful to get into a car that could keep its cool so I could do the same. It was a wonderful visit, both so normal and so surreal. How peculiar to use the powder room but not be able to go anywhere else in the house. How odd not to hug upon my arrival. At the end, my mom and I donned bathrobes and disposable shower caps so we could hug and then she was going to wash the bathrobes when we were done. I wanted to hold on forever. The visit was worth every minute of driving and overheating. 

While I was away,  Carl took the girls on a short hike in the woods. Sarah normally resists such things mightily, but she did it!

Sarah has been enjoying watching the "Mr. Greg reads" from Friday night. He dedicated the reading to Sarah since she wasn’t up to their usual Facetime session due to her itchiness. Reading his dedication on FB and hearing him talk about how she always helps him pick his Friday book got me all teary. Given my challenges of connecting harmoniously with Sarah sometimes, I am extra grateful for the people who have their own wonderful connections with her.

September 27: Roller Skates and Musical Note Everything

 It’s all about the lens through which I view things. This week (again) felt difficult many a time. I became quite aware of the refrain in my head of “I should have… If only I…. How did I not think of….How stupid of me….” It’s really rather exhausting. At least if I’m noticing those voices then maybe I can get them to change their tune. 

Then I looked at some of the pictures from our week and remembered how many wonderful things happened too. The girls got their roller skates and have used them many times, while wearing knee pads, elbow pads, wrist guards, and helmets. I was not permitted to put bubble wrap around them and Amy was clearly better off without my “help.” Most practice sessions happened with Anna or Carl. 

There are so many moments when I can focus on the glaring discrepancy between where I thought I would be with a 13 year old and where we actually are. I go through all of the stages of grief in a nano-second. Seemingly at the same moment I can remember to be in awe of Sarah, especially compared to the early struggles when so much was unknown. The question is, if crawling used to seem laughably impossible and now that same child is independently learning to roller skate, then why do I feel that academic prowess or learning to wait easily will never be attained? 

Sarah always wants everything to be in a musical note pattern (despite screaming in protest every time I mention the idea of practicing piano). The staff perfectly combines her love of stripes and dots. She wants a musical note house. She has repeatedly asked for a musical note shirt. Carl’s mom made Sarah the most wonderful matching musical note shirt and shorts. As I sat on the couch to view the new garments, I progressively slid towards the floor as I was ever more in awe of the little touches that showed such attentive care towards making Sarah’s dream a reality. Sarah loves to talk about shiny buttons and Grandma added the shiniest of sparkly buttons to the shirt. There is a black stripe down the side of the shorts! Now Sarah can wear all musical notes from her mask to her clothes to her backpack. All she needs are socks and sneakers to match!

Amy made lockers for their schools days at fairy school (which was also real school). For three days I managed to pack lunches and then I questioned my sanity at thinking that was a good idea. One of the best parts of remote schooling is not having to pack a bleepin’ lunch! So for Thursday and Friday they got their lunches in the “cafeteria.” 

Amy’s braces were tightened on Friday so she was a sad cat with a sore mouth for a few meals. She was less miserable than for past tightenings because this time I remembered to give her Advil right away and I also served the same soup and mushy food for all of us so she didn’t feel deprived and envious of what others were eating. 

May you have kind voices in your head and around you. 

September 20: Remote schooling sagas and paper roller-skate wheels

It was quite a miniature saga to get Sarah’s login information and Chrome book for school. Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth to her school. Asking, asking, asking, asking, asking for the full login information and so many times only being given half of what I needed. Finally getting all of the details, only to discover how much Chrome books suck, at least for zoom meetings. What about the families that don’t have someone with the flexibility to make multiple trips to the school or the option of using other technology?! 

I took Sarah to school for her school picture. She saw the other kids at a distance and wanted to be there in person. Cue my self doubt about my choice to keep her home! And yet, I know I would worry so much more about every stray cough or sniffle or malaise if she was in school. And yet… I still doubt and wonder what choice to make for the next quarter.

Amy’s schooling is going relatively well, although she has times of crying about how it would be so much easier in person. She feels isolated in her room and is tired of doing so much on a screen and she feels distracted in her room. She deeply misses seeing her BFF in person. Often she mightily resists any notion of being cat twins with Sarah, despite Sarah’s eagerness to do so. Last night after many tears about school and friends, Amy excitedly pointed out that she and Sarah were cat pajama twins. For all of the frustrations, I think it really helps Amy to have Sarah at home. Tomorrow we will experiment by having Amy attend school at the dining room table and having Sarah there too. I will pack their lunches and maybe they will pack their backpacks. 

Anna did tons of amazing math practice with Sarah. They made a number line on our stairs and filled out many pages of activities and equations that they created together. I haven’t ever seen Sarah so eager to practice math that isn’t a computer program. 

Anna took the girls to the library one afternoon and Amy got some graphic novels about Roller Girl. She then created Roller Club and made paper wheels to go on their shoes so they could pretend to roller skate. I have ordered actual roller skates and protective gear, but we don’t yet have the skates. I hope this is a good idea! I loved my own roller skates, but that was me taking the risk of falling rather than watching my precious babies! 

Sarah and I are still often in our well-worn groove of clashing with each other. I am weary of it. I am working to turn this truck and focus on each little moment where she actually does listen easily to what I say or doesn’t whine/yell. I also feel weary of the oft-repeated play scenarios that usually have been a source of connection and snuggle. It only works when I’m not tired of doing them for the millionth time. We did have a fun moment yesterday when she was pretending to gasp in shock repeatedly. Her expressions and gasps were truly hilarious. 

Sarah and Carl had some fun times pretending that colored pencils were exploding fries, inspired by a commercial during a basket ball game. She also helped him assemble an outdoor heater so that we can keep having safely distanced porch meals with Carl’s sister and parents even as the weather gets cooler. I think this is the year that Carl saved Thanksgiving! If it’s not too cold or precipitating, we can actually be together. 

May your paper wheels stay on!

September 13: A difficult week, a super amazing helper, and laughing a lot

 This week has felt heavy and hard and as if anything I’ve ever figured out regarding Sarah is no longer accessible within me. Sarah seems to be having a harder time too with much more screaming and upset than even her usual amounts. Maybe this is because her remote schooling started. It was extremely minimal with just one 40 minute zoom per day with her teacher and an activity sheet. The first day was fine. The second day she didn’t want anything to do with the activity sheet even though she hadn’t even looked at it. Carl had amazing patience and kindness and space for her feelings and to also help her do the sheet so she was ready for the zoom. Then we had Anna (previously referred to as sitter A, now fully named with permission to do so) come early enough to help Sarah with the activity sheet and the zooms for the remaining two days of the week. Certainly with Amy we have noticed times of intense feelings when she sees someone she hasn’t seen in a long time or with school assignments feeling difficult. I hope that similar dynamics are behind Sarah’s extra screamy protests. I also hope I can regain my energy to really have more space and love to give Sarah. I know I will, but I want it NOW. There are times when it is so easy and fun to do and other times when I despair over the repetitiveness and I just don’t have anything left within me except sadness and grumpiness. I know we will both regain our groove together and we have had many moments of ease mixed with the mess. It just all feels extra frustrating and unfair because I had a good 3 weeks where I really was letting her screaming pass over my ears with no upset on my part. I was so calm! I was handling things differently and it seemed to be helping! I didn’t write about it because I didn’t want to jinx it. And yet I still lost my new groove.

The activity sheet that Sarah did with Carl was actually really great. I love her answers so much.

1. If you could go anywhere in the world where would you go? German restaurant at Disney World

2. If you were stranded on a desert island, what three things would you want to take with you? Smooches (stuffed animal), swimsuit, a house.

3. If you could eat only one food for the rest of your life what would it be? Chicken

4. If you won a million dollars what is the first thing you would buy? Ice cream

5. If you could spend the day with one fictional character who would it be? Elephant and Piggie (Mo Willems books)

6. If you found a magic lantern and a genie gave you three wishes what would they be? A musical note house, shorts with a stripe down the side, and no more Covid-19.

Carl and I decided that it makes sense to have Anna here for longer periods of time and not just for when I am working outside of the house. For one thing, I am struggling to manage everything. For another thing, Sarah doesn’t scream and resist things like school activities or washing her beloved clothing or anything else when it is Anna who suggests it. Anna has been doing amazing math games with Sarah. Knowing Anna is coming, I feel myself breathe more easily and I’m sure Sarah feels the same way. I have guilt about being able to afford this help when I know so many families are struggling just as much if not more than we are and can’t afford the help. And yet, muscling through more struggle for the sake of my equal share of struggle doesn’t actually help anyone. And having Anna here more often is increasing the Sarah-Rise time immensely.

A few years ago when I was accompanying Sarah to gymnastics, I observed one of the teachers and thought, “someone is really going to love that person a lot.” After observing more I thought, “that person is really fun and good with kids.” Then I asked if they would be interested in babysitting. After one of their first times babysitting, we discovered the tiny construction-paper cat-themed drum set complete with foot pedal that they created. We were dumbfounded. That person was Anna and it is our family (among many other people) that really loves them a lot. I am still often dumbfounded by Anna’s extraordinary amazingness and that we are so lucky to have them as part of our family. 

One of Sarah’s new favorite additions to our ever evolving snuggle-time is to say that that Anna’s car will make a “boop boop” sound when Anna locks it. Then we make up many different sounds that the car will not make. It will not go shoop shoop de bop bop. It will not go droop droop. It will not go smeepity beep! Sarah also likes to ask what time Anna is arriving and what they will say to each other (Dr. Ridge is in the house! Dr. Tie-Dye is in the house! Dr. Ridge is a mouse!). She has been telling me the weather will be on the cool side Monday, because if it is not hot then Anna will wear their tie-dye pants. (Previously, when Anna wore overalls, Sarah protested and said it was too hot for overalls. She really wanted Anna to wear a certain pair of shorts.)

This week Amy wanted to use her non-school time to be at Monster High. She used hair-chalk to make her hair red and she drew washable stitches on one doll, made vampire teeth for another, and made werewolf ears for a third. When they had a party, our actual monster stuffed-animal was the DJ. 

Yesterday we watched Andrew’s Big Show as a half-birthday zoom celebration for Amy. Andrew is a professional clown with whom I attended high school. Many people told me that they didn’t remember the last time they laughed so hard or so long. That was certainly true for me. If you are interested in a show…www.andrewsbigshow.com 

I hope you are breathing easily (especially if you are where the world is literally on fire) and that you have your groove or someone to help you until you regain it. May you laugh long and loud and be surrounded by amazing people.

Thanks for listening.

September 6: Screaming appointments, important shorts, and Disaster-pieces

 Remember how Sarah doesn’t want me to wash her favorite clothing? Apparently, sitter A asked about washing them when they had their sleepover last weekend and Sarah said yes! And they washed them!

It seems that every time I cross something off the list in terms of an appointment for Sarah, the need for two more appear. We saw an ENT for her left ear and how it is showing as blocked with audiology readings. The ENT did an xray to look at her adenoids and said they seemed fine. She is already on flonase for a couple of weeks to see if that will help dry things out so her ear can balance the pressure for itself. Next is a follow-up in six months with audiology and with the hearing center at the children’s hospital, for which I need a referral. Six months gives me plenty of time to make the required calls, but I find making calls to be one of the trickier things to do these days. So simple and yet sometimes so elusive to remember to call during business hours when the kids are quiet and I’m not working. 

Sarah’s visit to the ENT was fraught with lots of screaming and upset on her part. She left the house wearing a pair of jean shorts sitter A gave her. Sarah loves wearing these shorts, but I didn’t realize that when we got to the doctor’s office she would then decide she desperately needed her beloved corduroy shorts. I stayed remarkably calm (you know that isn’t always my forte) and the doctor and nurses were all kind and calm too. They gave Sarah a small stuffed animal and she then brought it with her the next day when we went to get blood work for her neurologist (re her hand tremor, just to see if all levels of things are good). For the blood work she wore her corduroy shorts and we had no trouble. She didn’t even get upset with the needle being in her arm. 

Distance learning for Amy continues to go relatively well, although this coming week is who-knows-what and the real-deal-full-on-academics-this-is-really-school starts on September 14. On many days she has big feelings about assignments being too hard and/or pointless and how different it would be if she were there in person. To help, I have been doing some of her assignments really really badly first, so she knows she can’t possibly do a worse drawing than I did. It always feels good to see her relieved laughter emerge after her tears. She calls my creations disasterpieces. 

Sarah’s distance learning starts on Tuesday. I have cleared my morning, but we have no idea if it will be like the spring schooling or not. I have noticed that every time I get a school communication about needing to sign up for a time to do a thing and go to a school or manage anything new, my knee-jerk response is of slight panic and stress. I have to remind myself that I can actually handle scheduling things and figuring out new systems. As with so many things, so simple and yet so seemingly unsimple at first. 

Amy often feels very strongly about getting her American Girl dolls dressed correctly for something and that she wants to match them. I wonder if this is in part a reaction to this whole distance learning business. This is one thing she can control and these dolls are her classmates and friends. Recently some friends of mine gave us American Girl doll things, such as bunk beds, a wheel chair, crutches, beach gear and camping gear, and some clothing. Amy promptly cut the legs off of the maroon pants so that Sarah’s doll could have shorts that match Sarah’s shorts. Sarah especially loves pushing her doll in the wheel chair. Yesterday Amy’s doll came to the beach with her new towel and then joined us around the campfire with her own small water bottle and s’mores. The doll also wore her new sparkly sneakers, curtesy of Grammy. 

The girls now can do Facetime from their ipods. We may have created a Sarah-monster, although she also only has access to her ipod for short time periods. Amy can text and email too, but we haven’t gotten that working for Sarah yet. 

Sitter A helped the girls create a game of Pin the (musical) Note on the Staff. Sarah now loves creating more staffs and more notes. We haven’t yet actually played the game as a game. 

August 30: Ears, Parental Anxiety, and Zoom Bombing with Style

 A couple of weeks ago Sarah had her annual audiology check-up and her left ear was blocked for one of the readings. We did a follow-up with her pediatrician this week and her remaining ear tube wasn’t in place but was still in her ear so we thought maybe that would fix the situation when they took it out. Nope. Still blocked but not in a way the doctor could see. Sarah is now doing Flonase for two weeks to see if that will dry out any extra fluid that might be clogging her eustachian tube. I also need to make an appointment for her to see an ENT and have another audiology check-up. Since she will at some point soon get her appointment to have all of her remaining baby teeth extracted while being fully out with anesthesia, the hope is to have the ENT coordinate with the oral surgeon and be able to do a scope while she is out to determine if her adenoids are swollen. This all feels rather overwhelming to schedule and coordinate.

I have also noticed in the past month or so that Sarah’s hands sometimes shake. I asked her pediatrician about it and they recommended checking with her neurologist, so I have emailed them and sent in some videos of her moments of hand shaking. I do not like this. I am feeling anxious and nervous when I think about it (so I try not to). She seems happy and well and normal overall so maybe everything is actually ok, but it would be nice to have that confirmed.

Meanwhile, my parental panicking was in overdrive last Saturday-Monday regarding Amy. Upon reflection and talking with her pediatrician, we think she was dealing with heat exhaustion. As happened before when it was probably also heat exhaustion, her first night was miserable and her second night was better but still rough and the nights got progressively better. What is puzzling is why she can seem mostly better during the day and then at dinner feel crappy and nauseous and miserable. Towards the end of this experience I discovered the myriad of different products designed to help. Emetrol seemed to help, but I don’t know if it would have on the first night. I can only hope that we can make sure she never gets heat exhaustion again or if she does to give her meds right away. The doctor recommended chocolate milk (or ice cream) on hot days before and after being out in the heat. I wonder how many times we have inadvertently avoided disaster by getting ice cream!

It takes days for my heightened anxiety level to return to normal. Days of focusing on breathing fully and reminding myself that one child being unwell doesn’t mean they will die. It doesn’t mean we will all die. I mean, eventually, yes, but not all of a sudden. I know I already had some high panic levels around the girls being sick even before Covid 19, but now it feels extra intense. 

Everyone is well as of now (knock on wood!) Carl and I even left the house overnight without the girls because they really wanted to do a sleepover with sitter A and A was totally on board with the plan. Our only mistake was in having Sarah know the plan and that the sleepover started yesterday at 4pm instead of at 5am. Sarah had a VERY hard time waiting for A to arrive. Screaming and crying throughout the day at least every half hour or hour. I was pleased that for the most part I handled it easily and calmly. It wasn’t ideal, but it was ok. 

No luck this week with getting Sarah’s permission to wash her favorite shirt and shorts. She says she likes to be stinky and have food stains. She does sometimes wear other things but still doesn’t give permission for laundering. Sometimes in the middle of the night Sarah will want to sleep next to Carl and then I move to her room. When this happened I was sorely tempted to do a secret load of laundry. Luckily I stuck to my promise to her and didn’t. A few minutes after my moment of temptation, she came in (eg 4 am) and put on her favorite corduroy shorts and then went back to my bed.

Sometimes Sarah goes into Carl’s office when he is on zoom calls. This week she has done so with extra flair. Once she knocked the rhythm of “shave and a haircut” and then opened the door to deliver her “two bits” with Roger Rabbit style enthusiasm. Another time she knocked and said “Elsa?” and opened the door to begin singing “Do you want to build a snowman?” from “Frozen." 

We had the loudest thunder I have ever heard. Just twice in the middle of Thursday night. It woke us all up and the girls seemed a tiny bit scared. Normally they aren’t. I was even a little concerned because it felt like the thunder was right on top of us. There was no rain so that made the whole thing even weirder. Friday we had huge rainstorms and the girls had a great time having a rain party with A. How awesome to have a sitter who delights in getting soaked for the sake of a good rain party.

We have been making wooden marble runs this week for the first time in maybe a year or two. We used to make them all the time in the Sarah-Rise room. It is comfortingly familiar to build them again. Sarah is notably much better at following the pictures to build her creation, still with some help from Amy or a grown-up. 

August 23: School for Amy and not forcing the laundry

 A week ago I asked Sarah if I could wash her gymkhana t-shirt because she wears it daily and it was getting a little stinky. I explained I could wash it after she was in pajamas for the evening. She said no. I assured her that was ok and that I wouldn’t wash it unless she gave me permission. An hour or so later she took a shower and changed into a different shirt. I asked if that meant I could wash the gymkhana shirt. She said no. I said ok. An hour after that I asked again and she gave me permission to wash THE shirt! It felt wonderful to get to the desired end without forcing anything. I am now beginning my requests again regarding the shirt and her corduroy shorts that she wears daily.

Another sweet moment was when she woke up at night calling for me. I went in and she was sitting up in bed. When she saw me she said “that’s better” and lay down. I asked if she was too hot. No. I asked if she had had a dream. No. I asked if she just wanted to know where I was. Yes. 

Often Sarah doesn’t seem to mind when I leave for work or errands. On Thursday I was in and out more than usual and at one point when I was home she got very upset about my upcoming departure. She cried for maybe close to an hour while I was with her. While she missed me when I was away, it was with much less upset.

Amy started (remote) school on Tuesday. The academics don’t really start until a couple of weeks from now, so the first few weeks are to ease in and reconnect and make sure the technology works. So far so good. It is more streamlined than in the spring. Amy goes to a special webpage and does her activities for the day (usually in about an hour). If she has any zoom meetings there is a link just for live meetings so I don’t have to sift through my email to find what we need. Amy is eager for the academics to begin.

One of Amy’s school activities was to decorate blank face masks. Amy has a store-bought mask that is pink and makes it look like she has a smiling cat face. Sarah loves to talk about this mask. Amy made Sarah a white mask with pink cheeks and a cat face. Sarah loves it and loves to be cat twins with Amy. They were twins when I took them to get their bangs trimmed.

Last night we heard Sarah singing to herself “Some like yogurt hot, some like yogurt cold, some like yogurt in the cup 9 days old” I love that she adapted the Peas Porridge Hot song all by herself!

Amy made the tallest lollipop ever out of paper. It is nearly as tall as she is and the candy part is as big as her head. 

We have weekly family zooms with some of my family and sometimes the girls participate. This week they were eager to tell Grammy and Granddad and their uncles everything and to show them everything.

Amy has been wanting to play soccer so Carl bought a goal for our yard and the girls helped assemble it. It’s been a bit too hot to really play though. It wasn’t too hot to run to get ice cream after dinner a couple of nights ago.

Amy wasn’t feeling well last night in a way that felt similar to the last time she didn’t feel well (nausea, chills). Our best guess is that she gets a bit of heat exhaustion when she is outside and active for too long on very hot days. She isn’t always the best at hydration. From now on we know we need to do a better job of making sure she is getting enough fluids and salt. She spent the night on the couch and I spent the night on the floor near her. I think I slept better than if I hadn’t been right next to her. This way I could trust that I would wake as soon as Amy did. I spent all of my waking minutes praying that she would be well and assuring myself that my rumbly tummy was due to my fear and reminding myself to breathe fully. I also kept reminding myself that as far as I knew, Sarah and Carl were well. They are. I am too, although I still have a body filled with a bit of adrenaline. Amy doesn’t have a fever and doesn’t seem to have chills anymore, but still isn’t back to her regular self. Any prayers and healing energies are most welcome. 

August 16: Sarah as a snuggly mouse in my house

 For starters, why mouse/mice and not house/hice? Why not mouses in houses? Sarah’s latest expansion for our snuggle play time is to say, “I am a mouse in your house, mama!” If I ask if she is a mouse in my house then her face lights up as if it simultaneously delights and calms some inner part of her being. Along with the words, she loves to snuggle into my chest, as if my body is the house. We also sit cross-legged (or I attempt to) and come up with phrases that rhyme with “criss-cross applesauce” such as “Amy has a doll named Joss,” “Sometimes at night I floss!” and “I wish I had a ball to toss!"

Sarah recently (finally!) received her musical note backpack. We also made shorts from a pair of her corduroy pants and she is thrilled to have fringe as the ends fray. To match sitter A’s corduroy shorts, Sarah wanted her name embroidered on her shorts. I attempted to coach her through this project because she wanted to do it herself. That did not go particularly well, but at least I bailed early and Carl took over. He stayed much calmer and was able to assist and coach her for her part. She is excited to be Dr. Ridge or Dr. Ridge Musical Note Mouse.

This week we have been on vacation and went to the beach many times. That has also felt safe with plenty of space all around. On previous beach trips Sarah would stay by the shore line. This time she was fully immersed in practicing her swimming. We worked a lot on her keeping her mouth shut when under water. This is still a work in progress. Amy was her usual mermaid self, wearing her mermaid tail and braided seaweed in her hair. Amy also helped her American Girl dolls play in the sand and swim. 

Sarah helped with dishwasher installation and weed wacking, both girls became expert corn shuckers, and both girls and dolls attended the Arts Academy boarding school. Amy led an art class for the dolls and drew the work of each student. In A’s words, it was “Amy-azing.” The Beanie Boo stuffed animals went wild, hiding in various places and making a pyramid and sleeping all in a long row in a bed. Since Sarah loves saying “Shave and a haircut, two bits!” we watched “Who Framed Roger Rabbit?” and now Sarah likes to pretend she is a (car)toon about to fall in the Dip. 

Last night the girls performed ice dancing in our living room, with Amy leaping around gracefully and Sarah pretending to be hit by ice lasers from the Mario Kart game. I love how they can each express themselves so differently and be in the same play scenario. They tried to teach me to play Mario Kart and every once in a while I didn't come in last. Honestly, I am not trying to let them win! I’m just trying to stay on the road. 

Earlier in the week we attempted mini golf for the first time ever. Amy enjoyed it. Sarah quickly wanted to be done and didn’t want any assistance even though she was holding her putter so awkwardly it couldn’t help but not work well. I was proud of myself for being ok with her struggles and with abandoning the attempt as soon as she wanted to be done. After 3 holes, Sarah and I went to get ice cream. I stood near her since she didn’t want me to sit with her. I just finished reading a book by another Son-Rise mom. It is Miracle In Slow Motion by Sally Wagter and it has reminded me of certain Son-Rise things I hadn’t been doing as often as I could. The main thing is to notice when Sarah is stressed and give her control in such situations when possible. It may seem counterintuitive, but often this is the path that helps people become more flexible. The path just tests my own flexibility too!

August 9: Legacy Day and making the bars of our own cages

 It was apparent this week that with Amy’s pretend scenarios she sometimes builds herself such a cage of requirements that she is miserable when things don’t go as they must, but she doesn’t see that she is the one building the cage. I wonder how often I do the same thing. Even this morning I was getting myself a bit tense over when I would write because my plan didn’t include a Sarah-upset or doing “Huh?” snuggle-play-possibly nap time with Sarah. When I remembered the cage analogy I was able to let go of the bars I was mentally rattling.

Amy’s scenario for this past week was based on the tv show "Ever After High” and the idea of a Legacy book that the offspring of fairytale characters would sign. Every day Amy got several dolls ready for their day and every evening she made sure they were tucked into their dorm room beds. She and A., with a little input from Sarah, made pages for the Legacy book, drawing pictures of each doll or person and writing their destiny. They made keys from Model Magic, which is a type of modeling clay.  The cover of the book then had a keyhole and each key would open the book to the correct page. Amy was extremely upset when things weren’t ready for Legacy Day and the book signing to take place on Thursday. Eventually she adapted and Friday became the official signing day. With A.’s help, they decorated our front porch for the ceremony. Amy had purple mesh netting that A. hung around our porch swing. The swing was covered with blankets and the dolls in their finery sat awaiting their turns. Classical music played in the background. Vice Principal Wombat was in attendance. A music stand held the Legacy book. Amy wore her fanciest dress and helped the dolls fit their keys in the lock and sign their pages, declaring out loud their name and that they were ready to pledge their destiny. 

Tuesday night, after their SR facetime call with Sc, Sarah and Amy donned pajamas for their evening out at Sc’s house for an outdoor movie. When they arrived, Sc handed them tickets, including tickets for the dolls who came too. Their seats and the doll’s seats were reserved with signs. When Carl and I picked them up at the end, they had a pack of drawings, made by Sc, of them as various animals enjoying pizza and ice-cream at plaid restaurants that were “Now Open” and a drawing of all of them at the movies. 

Sarah has been showering daily!! Of her own accord!! This is amazing and is certainly a moment I only ever dreamed of. I often encouraged her showers by saying she would be squeaky clean like a mouse. It seems that the idea of being squeaky clean for A.’s arrival is what makes the difference.

Carl took Sarah to her audiology appointment since it coincided with a mandatory meeting for me regarding resuming my teaching in person at the massage school. I wore my Civil War hoop skirt and dress in addition to my umbrella hat to the meeting to help bring levity about social distancing. While Sarah's hearing test was inconclusive because it seems like one ear needs to equalize the pressure on the drum, it was wonderful that Carl took her. He often gives her more invitations towards independence than I do. He had her lead them to every place they needed to go and had her take care of signing in on the computer. He said she did an amazing job and was very grown-up about the whole thing.  

Sarah’s “huh” and “mouse mouse mouse” routine now includes talking about sitting criss-cross with A. (or actually sitting criss-cross as we talk about it) and tapping our legs while singing “Shave and a haircut, two bits!” We also talk about my pillow that flew out of the roof box on our camping trip a year ago. That pillow was never to be seen again and is “nowhere out there” as a play on our “somewhere out there” American Tale references. I am amazed at how this play continues to evolve and grow. Also, sometimes I must admit I really don’t want to do “huh” when she asks to do it. Sometimes I physically show up but I’m not really putting my energy and presence into it. It tends to be especially difficult if we have just had a kerfluffle about something. She is ready faster than I am to drop the troubles and reconnect. I tend to need a bit longer to get back to my own equilibrium before I am ready to joyfully mouse-huh-shave-and-a-haircut things up. Yet, it also brings me great joy to notice how often she prefers this connecting to having time with technology, and that is really saying something!

Sarah’s school will be opening in person, but they are giving each family the opportunity to choose per quarter whether the student will be in the brick-and-mortar building or whether they will do distance learning. We opted to keep Sarah at home, in part to help quell my own anxiety that I know happens any time either child has the slightest sign of not being 100% well. After two months we will reassess the situation. 

May you have easy decisions and keys that fit.