September 13: A difficult week, a super amazing helper, and laughing a lot

 This week has felt heavy and hard and as if anything I’ve ever figured out regarding Sarah is no longer accessible within me. Sarah seems to be having a harder time too with much more screaming and upset than even her usual amounts. Maybe this is because her remote schooling started. It was extremely minimal with just one 40 minute zoom per day with her teacher and an activity sheet. The first day was fine. The second day she didn’t want anything to do with the activity sheet even though she hadn’t even looked at it. Carl had amazing patience and kindness and space for her feelings and to also help her do the sheet so she was ready for the zoom. Then we had Anna (previously referred to as sitter A, now fully named with permission to do so) come early enough to help Sarah with the activity sheet and the zooms for the remaining two days of the week. Certainly with Amy we have noticed times of intense feelings when she sees someone she hasn’t seen in a long time or with school assignments feeling difficult. I hope that similar dynamics are behind Sarah’s extra screamy protests. I also hope I can regain my energy to really have more space and love to give Sarah. I know I will, but I want it NOW. There are times when it is so easy and fun to do and other times when I despair over the repetitiveness and I just don’t have anything left within me except sadness and grumpiness. I know we will both regain our groove together and we have had many moments of ease mixed with the mess. It just all feels extra frustrating and unfair because I had a good 3 weeks where I really was letting her screaming pass over my ears with no upset on my part. I was so calm! I was handling things differently and it seemed to be helping! I didn’t write about it because I didn’t want to jinx it. And yet I still lost my new groove.

The activity sheet that Sarah did with Carl was actually really great. I love her answers so much.

1. If you could go anywhere in the world where would you go? German restaurant at Disney World

2. If you were stranded on a desert island, what three things would you want to take with you? Smooches (stuffed animal), swimsuit, a house.

3. If you could eat only one food for the rest of your life what would it be? Chicken

4. If you won a million dollars what is the first thing you would buy? Ice cream

5. If you could spend the day with one fictional character who would it be? Elephant and Piggie (Mo Willems books)

6. If you found a magic lantern and a genie gave you three wishes what would they be? A musical note house, shorts with a stripe down the side, and no more Covid-19.

Carl and I decided that it makes sense to have Anna here for longer periods of time and not just for when I am working outside of the house. For one thing, I am struggling to manage everything. For another thing, Sarah doesn’t scream and resist things like school activities or washing her beloved clothing or anything else when it is Anna who suggests it. Anna has been doing amazing math games with Sarah. Knowing Anna is coming, I feel myself breathe more easily and I’m sure Sarah feels the same way. I have guilt about being able to afford this help when I know so many families are struggling just as much if not more than we are and can’t afford the help. And yet, muscling through more struggle for the sake of my equal share of struggle doesn’t actually help anyone. And having Anna here more often is increasing the Sarah-Rise time immensely.

A few years ago when I was accompanying Sarah to gymnastics, I observed one of the teachers and thought, “someone is really going to love that person a lot.” After observing more I thought, “that person is really fun and good with kids.” Then I asked if they would be interested in babysitting. After one of their first times babysitting, we discovered the tiny construction-paper cat-themed drum set complete with foot pedal that they created. We were dumbfounded. That person was Anna and it is our family (among many other people) that really loves them a lot. I am still often dumbfounded by Anna’s extraordinary amazingness and that we are so lucky to have them as part of our family. 

One of Sarah’s new favorite additions to our ever evolving snuggle-time is to say that that Anna’s car will make a “boop boop” sound when Anna locks it. Then we make up many different sounds that the car will not make. It will not go shoop shoop de bop bop. It will not go droop droop. It will not go smeepity beep! Sarah also likes to ask what time Anna is arriving and what they will say to each other (Dr. Ridge is in the house! Dr. Tie-Dye is in the house! Dr. Ridge is a mouse!). She has been telling me the weather will be on the cool side Monday, because if it is not hot then Anna will wear their tie-dye pants. (Previously, when Anna wore overalls, Sarah protested and said it was too hot for overalls. She really wanted Anna to wear a certain pair of shorts.)

This week Amy wanted to use her non-school time to be at Monster High. She used hair-chalk to make her hair red and she drew washable stitches on one doll, made vampire teeth for another, and made werewolf ears for a third. When they had a party, our actual monster stuffed-animal was the DJ. 

Yesterday we watched Andrew’s Big Show as a half-birthday zoom celebration for Amy. Andrew is a professional clown with whom I attended high school. Many people told me that they didn’t remember the last time they laughed so hard or so long. That was certainly true for me. If you are interested in a show…www.andrewsbigshow.com 

I hope you are breathing easily (especially if you are where the world is literally on fire) and that you have your groove or someone to help you until you regain it. May you laugh long and loud and be surrounded by amazing people.

Thanks for listening.