January 6

Overall our whole trip to MN and WI was really really really wonderful. That said, there were two tiny but very intense moments of difficulty with Sarah. Both were at moments when it was time to leave one place and go to another. One was to go to the memorial service for her great grandfather. One was at a train station when we needed to get on a train. It was like parenting a three year old again and yet she is about to be twelve. She was throwing herself on the floor, yelling, spitting, shoving her hand in her mouth or then switching to a fake giggly laugh that is really not present. I felt deeply despairing and like giving up. I felt like a Son-Rise failure and like I should run a program again, but I feel exhausted to my core when I think of that. I don’t want to do it. I felt worried that I might give up on her and that she and I will not have a good relationship going forward, which would break my heart. And yet I just felt so mad at her and so done. It was awful. The fighting moments were brief but my exhaustion and feelings pertaining to them lasted longer than they sometimes do. It took a few good, hard cries and some work to shift my thinking. I could begin to see that we do still have the majority of our moments together as either good or just somewhat challenging. We still love each other. She handled the majority of the trip with ease and cooperation and her usual level of independence. So we are ok. We are in good shape. But that was exhausting.

With a sample size of two, I clearly am ready to publish a paper on my findings… twice now after an intense moment with Sarah (once a few weeks ago and once on the trip), I got a cold that same evening. Some might say that I was going to get the cold anyway and that my reserves were thus reduced for handling a tricky parenting moment. I believe that when I deplete myself so intensely, through the fear, anger, desperation, yelling, exhaustion, and feeling like a terrible mother, then I compromise my immune system and am vulnerable to illness. In both cases I have been able to work mightily (like turning a truck) to reverse course on any thinking that keeps me feeling awful. I strive to feel good about myself and Sarah and life. In both cases my cold has been mild.

Sarah’s new favorite movie is the Muppet Christmas Carol. This is one of my favorites too! She especially loves Rizzo the Rat. She has now changed from pretending to be a sad turkey or cat to being a sad baby rat. Her sad baby rat says, “Squeak, squeak, cheddar, cheddar, cheddar.”

For Christmas we got a kids’ book about Temple Grandin. Yesterday I read it to Amy when it was just the two of us in the house. I ended up talking to her more about Sarah and autism. Sort of generally and sort of specifically. As usual, Amy seems to take it all in stride. I present it in stride, which probably helps.

Amy had a sleepover on Friday night. This meant that when a neighborhood friend invited Sarah and Amy over to play, Sarah was the only one available. Sarah hasn’t ever had a playdate on her own since she was so little that I thought of it more as the other kid’s parent babysitting. This felt momentous. She zipped her sweatshirt and grabbed a book, heading off on her own to walk around the corner to her friend's house. This is a friend I have mentioned before. While many kids seek to include Sarah somewhat when they are around each other, this friend seeks Sarah out. On purpose. Sarah’s differences don’t phase her. When I asked the parent if they had actually played together, he said yes! He could hear his daughter directing the play to be about school. Given Amy’s penchant for directing and playing school, I can see that it probably worked well. Sarah can benefit from a strong leader, but she also won’t do something she doesn’t want to do (see paragraph 1!). Then I had an epiphany. Maybe Sarah is much more ready for peer playing than I thought. She just needs a peer she is used to and who doesn’t hesitate to grab the reins, doesn’t hesitate based on any of who Sarah is. Within the context of this amazingness, we learned a good lesson and maybe some freeing information too. When I arrived to get Sarah, she was snacking on goldfish. I hadn’t thought to say anything about food because she just had a snack before leaving home. I am also so used to Amy being around to say something, which I realize is a responsibility I shouldn’t place on her. I also thought Sarah would be better about taking responsibility for her own allergies. She knows she is mildly allergic to cow milk and that it will make her itchy. However, there she was with her goldfish. So I have learned she needs more practice in taking responsibility for her eating choices and allergies. I have learned I should always review her allergies with the supervising grownups in any situation. I have also learned that maybe she is actually ok with eating goldfish! She didn’t get itchy at all!!! I have heard other people say sometimes baked dairy is ok even if non-baked isn’t. So I think we will experiment a little.