I’ve been thinking a lot about the line between discerning how I am truly feeling vs keeping myself stuck in a story of things being hard, thus perpetuating things feeling hard. Maybe it isn’t really a line. Maybe it is helpful to ascertain how I am feeling so that I can make different choices about my actions or thoughts and thus bring about a different experience. Deciding that I’m not too tired and not burned out has been helpful. There have been many moments when I have easily reminded myself that it is good if Sarah is having feelings. It is good to give her time and space to clear them. It will help us have an easier time later. Making a different choice about how to feel about Sarah’s upsets is sort of like choosing to brush my teeth with my non-dominant hand. It takes a moment of presence and reminding myself but then it is usually easy.
Yesterday morning Sarah had another long crying session about it not yet being time for her bowling birthday party. Carl was the listener but I felt at peace with hearing her upset in the background, with no need for her to be done. Much later she was very helpful about loading the car for a short trip.
I’ve been reading The Mother-Daughter Project by SuEllen Hamkins and Renee Schultz and asking myself the book’s query: what do I need as a mother to support me in being the mom I want to be? Recently, after a full day of mostly just Sarah and me, I found myself yelling at her for spilled milk. Yes. You read that right. When I asked myself what I needed the answer was “a break.” Not that it had been a particularly hard or taxing day, but the change was in asking myself what I needed and hearing the answer with relief instead of judgement. Then I did get a short break. The question helps me honor my choices to rest or keep a clean house or get a massage or ask for help as truly important parts of being the mom I seek to be. It is like learning how to care for an animal and what it needs when. It’s just that the animal is me.
Amazingly, it seems like Sarah can eat baked dairy!! Since the time of accidental goldfish consumption, I have purposely given Sarah cheddar bunnies on several occasions. I have used cow milk in some baking. She seems to have no reaction! I bought some Nilla Wafers to try next. Not that I want her eating a ton of processed foods, but it brings me joy when she can know certain tastes and experiences every once in a while.
Gymnastics is still a bit of a struggle for me, which is why we often have Carl go instead. When I go, I have to remind myself that the time is finite and that my goal is to stay relaxed and in good connection with Sarah. We managed mediumly well yesterday.
I’m not sure if there is anything better than blasting “Let It Go” from “Frozen” and having us all sing along. I love that Amy now loves the movie and the songs and wants to be Anna.
Amy is a new Brownie and is selling Girl Scout cookies (for a limited time). If you want to buy or donate some cookies, you can go to https://digitalcookie.girlscouts.org/scout/amy112560. Amy loves being in the group and it is something she does with Carl, who is an assistant leader with her troop. She has been clear that it is not my place to do Girl Scout things with her. The only difficult part of her Girl Scout experience so far is that the meetings are on some Tuesday evenings at the same time as Sc does her SR time. While SR time was originally just with Sarah, at this point it is with both girls. Amy is often heartbroken to leave the special play time early even though she knows it is for something else she loves. This week after dinner she popped up to tell Sarah and Sc goodbye. She came down in tears, throwing herself into my arms and saying that was a big mistake (to say goodbye) because they had just made a castle fort and she was so sad not to get to play in it.
We discovered a new game that Sarah loves. It is called Paku Paku and it involves throwing dice and stacking tiny dishes and saying “one two three Paku Paku!” and “Paku stop!” All of this has Sarah laughing delightedly.
May you laugh with delight and sing your favorite songs, finding new paths if you are weary of your old ruts.
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