July 17

I totally understand that when one goes on vacation from normal jobs that it might be harder upon reentry. Somehow I am always surprised by the level of difficulty I experience when returning to my home job. My work job is easy to return to. After the family reunion I promptly left to visit my friend in Montana. It was a wonderful visit filled with lots of laughter. My first half day at home felt easy because I had very low expectations of myself. Friday I somehow expected myself to be back to normal but I was grumpy and feeling like Sonia did a better job than I did at mothering my kids. I was generally feeling overwhelmed. Saturday morning I also felt tired and overwhelmed. Today I am feeling tired and overwhelmed and as if I will never get back in the groove of making food and veggie juice and being the kind of mom I want to be. 

There have been some good things though that I can still notice even while I am feeling low. Sonia made some excellent changes while I was away. She started having Sarah pack and unpack her epi-pens. She also started teaching Amy how to use them so that if they are together and a grown-up needs guidance, Amy can give it. She also had the girls participate in picking what would get packed for their lunches (I have already not continued this. Sigh).  And if there are places where I think she does a better job than I do, isn’t that actually wonderful and all the more reason to have such amazing help? The trick is to not then feel like a bad person myself.

Sarah asked for a veggie first thing Saturday morning. That is my requirement before they have their treat but this was the first time Sarah requested it and didn’t complain about it. Today she asked for a veggie but still spat some of it out in her haste to be done.

Ballet was much the same as it has been but I was able to notice and appreciate how much Sarah was still paying attention even when she wasn’t sitting or standing with her classmates. Whenever the teacher would ask her a question she would answer and she also did some of the movements.

Carl took each girl out biking yesterday on his bike with the attached child element. When one of them wasn’t with Carl then I took them biking around the block on Sarah’s bike (with training wheels). They both loved both parts and did very well. I survived being scared of them falling off and getting hurt.

I had felt like I was in such a good groove for so long! It feels extra disappointing to be struggling so much. Then I feel terrible about feeling terrible when so many people around the world have cause to feel truly terrible. 

I hope you are all feeing clearer than I am.