December 30

This week I decided it was vacation for SR as well so if we got time then we got time and if we didn't that was ok too. Between Carl and myself we got 8 1/2 hrs. Overall this felt like a good decision to keep the time feeling relaxed but I also realized I wanted three things simultaneously for our staycation time and that it's not possible to do all of them fully. In hindsight I can wish that we got lots more SR time. Or I can wish that we relaxed and had more family play time. Or I can wish that we were more productive with house projects. We had some of each and I'm endeavoring to be ok with that. We really had lots of lovely times.

One exciting thing was that Sarah was the reason SR time happened at all because she requested it strongly every day.

Sarah had more awareness about Christmas and presents than ever before. Overall a lovely and chaotic time. The girls were especially good at beginning to open things (all of them) and at ripping off tags prematurely.

A couple of months ago I had the warning flickers of cluster headaches so I took medicine to avoid the cluster and it worked. Normally I only have to deal with a cluster once a year. Apparently this year is not cooperating. I think when I felt the warning flickers in the past week or so I probably dismissed them because it couldn't be a cluster - I already passed that. Not so. I have now had two and this morning's was pretty horrendous. So I'm on a medication that is supposed to kick the cluster back enough for the regular medicine to help me skip the cluster again. I felt very resistant with the first headaches of this cluster because...it's not fair...it's not allowed...I should be able to Option my way or Alexander my way out of it...I don't want to do medication a second time in the year!...I must have messed up with my eating and getting too stressed...maybe when we start GAPS it will fix it...maybe craniosacral work can fix it...etc. The thing is, I am a basket case when I have a headache. So I think it makes sense to again do medication and then also try the other things to help too. For those of you unfamiliar with cluster headaches, they are not called cluster because of the location on your head. They are called cluster headaches because people tend to get them daily (often in the middle of the night) for 4-6 weeks. They feel like a knife is sticking through your eye to the back of your head. They are nicknamed suicide headaches because of their severity. In contrast to migraines, people with cluster headaches usually can't stay still during a headache and would rather bash their head against something (I don't, but I imagine it). Some headaches only last 15 min and others last 3 hours. The bad ones go away but I tend to feel not quite my best for the rest of the day. I always have the dream that I will solve these once and for all but I also know that since I have skipped a few clusters with the help of medication, our lives are much much better during the cluster season (which moves around). When I have them it takes up a lot of time from Carl, my mom, and me all trying to get me feeling better. I am a mess during a headache. So I really hope that somehow things can work out so I don't have to do 4-6 weeks of horrible headaches. If I do have to go through it, I will survive. I always do. I've been dealing with them since 1995. Carl has been fabulous each and every time. He has really stuck with me through a lot, being loving and supportive through it all. My mom has also been incredible, listening to me sob and helping calm me down and look at the things about which I was overly stressed. Both have been up with me in the wee hours. I really hope this time we don't go on that path.