January 6

This week we got 12 hours and 20 min.

Cluster headaches.... not a significant problem, but not off my radar. Thank goodness for medication. I really am amazed at how many years I just suffered through all the pain. I have only had a couple this week and only one that I would designate as really bad. I still plan on continuing all the pursuits that might help avoid the headaches in the future but if I get the whispery pre-headache indications again then I will probably opt for medication again. I have already had some helpful insights. My stepfather wrote a lovely note to me about wanting the headaches to go away because I had already learned whatever they were here to teach me. Coupled with my mom's reminder to be kind to myself, I started asking myself if I had in fact learned what the headaches were trying to tell me. The answer was no. I noticed that a lot of my tension and pressing my tongue to the roof of my mouth (without knowing it) relates to when I have a decision to make and am second guessing myself in all directions and worrying that any decision won't be right or thinking that worrying about it somehow makes me a better person and more apt to choose the right thing. Hmm. After 35 years of this, perhaps I can say that this is not in fact working out the way I intended. I am not actually a better person for the worry and I don't think it actually leads to better decisions. Maybe instead of worrying that either decision will be wrong I could believe that either decision will be right or ok. I could affirm that I make good decisions. I am also aware that there are many more layers to how hard I am on myself about so many things sometimes. One pattern I notice is that I start judging myself precisely when I am taking action towards changing/improving some aspect of my life. For example, I am changing our SR schedule now so that we will be a more powerful team and get even more hours in the room. This is pretty awesome! And my doubting internal attack voices start saying that I need to be a better leader, do better group meetings, set better goals, be more inspiring etc. Ugh. So I am working on noticing that making this change actually counts as being a better leader and that maybe I'm doing this all well enough. My desire to have everything go perfectly (whatever that means) can easily turn into holding myself responsible for Sarah's outcome. For example, feeling like I need to run the perfect SR program (the best ever, as strong as Samahria's) and implement GAPS perfectly and be the perfectly happy, nurturing, patient, teaching/guiding, clear parent all the time or else my kids will be ruined and everyone would be better off without me. I realize this is extreme and I am not always this hard on myself but when I start changing things towards more internal space and hope then sometimes my internal gremlins get really tough. I share this so that I can remember these times when I look back on the program later. There are times when everything seems to flow so easily and times when it doesn't. I want to remember it all and to be able to share all the humanness of this journey with other parents on similar journeys. Because sometimes this is hard! And I keep thinking that it shouldn't be, but maybe the answer is that it is ok for it to feel hard.

To balance the hard parts... my kids are incredibly edibly deliciously adorable. When Amy comes up behind me to give me a hug or when Sarah tells me "Ah l-vv- ee-oo" (I love you), it just doesn't get better than that. When Amy wakes me up with a kiss or Sarah thinks something is outrageously funny, that is priceless. And a lot of the time I am inspired and nice to myself and others. And Carl always helps me laugh and think things through more clearly. And Sonia helps everything run more smoothly. And I know I can always call my mom. And my family and friends and volunteers are awesomely supportive and wonderful.

Lately Sarah thinks the phrase "down the wrong ball" is hysterically funny. Following a moment yesterday where I yelled at Sarah, I felt very inspired and good about my explanation to her. I snuggled her on my lap and said that when I get mad it is because I am confused and don't know what to do. It means I am on the wrong ball and she can tell me "mom, you're on the wrong ball!" She giggled a lot about this and it felt like an honest, clear explanation.

We are not quite ready to start the GAPS intro with Sarah but I am continuing to move the whole family towards full GAPS. The intro is very restricted in terms of scope and then you work up through the stages to be at full GAPS where you can eat lots of stuff, just not grains, refined sugar, or lactose. No processed food. I am allowing us to eat what we have in the house so we are still having cereal and some other grains and sugar but I'm not re-buying. I am more aware than ever of my own sugar addiction. I am spending a lot more time cooking and cleaning the kitchen. A lot! It is exciting and overwhelming. As with some other tasks, I think I want it to take no time. I am excited that we are all already eating more healthily and that I am discovering new delicious recipes and I am learning a lot about digestion and nutrition that I never knew. Grocery shopping is quite different. I have never bought so much meat or so many eggs at one time except when shopping for group vacations. I am developing a taste for sour kraut. In the past I didn't like it and now I almost crave it. (Long ago this happened with cilantro - I used to hate it and now it is one of my favorite flavors). If nothing else, I think our family will develop healthier eating habits. Sarah already eats things I never thought she would. Since I stopped buying fruit leather she now loves prunes. She drinks stock. She eats lima bean hummus. I eat lima bean hummus. I love it! I normally don't like lima beans. I think the early days with Sarah and eating were so hard that I was living in a very scared tight space about her eating and weight gain. It is exciting to start to shift that and see that it is possible and Sarah will in fact still eat.

Despite my rough moments I really think this year will be incredibly powerful and amazing.