December 16

This week we were just shy of 20 hours. Sonia was in MA for the Son-Rise Start-Up course, so the week was another reminder of my life before Sonia. Many things flowed very well, especially with the added help of C., my wonderful babysitter. Some days felt very hard. The laundry and dishes piled up, the toys stayed scattered, the cloth diapers have lingered for days waiting to be washed, and I didn't get as much SR time, but we did have a great week overall. And I'm really glad Sonia is back!!

Sarah's puzzle skills seem to be improving. The times of my coaching her to turn a piece are becoming less frequent. Yesterday we played with a fish puzzle where all the pieces are the same shape and you can create uni-colored fish or multi-colored fish depending on how you insert the pieces. Without my prompting or suggesting a thing, Sarah put the pieces in so that the fish were just one color each. To me this means she is really understanding the concept of matching, at least with colors.

Speaking of puzzles, Amy is phenomenal at puzzles. Given our experience with Sarah and how she has struggled with puzzles, it is like watching a magician when I observe Amy pick up pieces to an ocean animal puzzle and put them all in their places with no help or guidance at all. She turns them right-side up, rotates them, and fits them into the correct hole all by herself!! Maybe this is something all neuro-typical kids can do, I don't know. Even if it is, let's celebrate how astoundingly amazing it is for anyone and everyone to do it.

Yesterday Carl and Sarah cut out paper snowflakes! She still needs help with scissors, especially opening them, but she is pretty good at squeezing them closed.

Sarah's language, as always, continues to gallop apace with her increasing vocabulary and clarity.There is still a lot that people other than her immediate family doesn't understand, but it keeps getting better. Last night when Carl was playing with her in the SR room she said, "All done in here, dinnertime now." I think when I have all of the volunteers focus on noticing and helping her with the clarity of just a couple specific words that it ripples out to expand the clarity of her language overall. This is so different from the past when we felt like she had to memorize each sound for each word and wasn't making connections between similar sounds or words. She also retains so much in her memory, which never ceases to amaze me. Yesterday we were talking on the couch and she started talking about "Ms. L.... D....sc-ool." This was totally out of the blue (they were her teachers last year) and their names were said more fully and clearly than ever before. When she was having a snack she told me that her "f-t sacks yummy in a tummy" (fruit snacks are yummy in the tummy). This is a reference to the Little Mouse and the Big Cupcake book, which is surely a favorite but I haven't read it or said that phrase in at least a month or two.

Speaking of that favorite book... we have entered a (hopefully tiny) phase of book ripping. The Little Mouse and the Big Cupcake book has been shredded. She also ripped a book of piano music and an autographed Mo Willems book. After each occurrence I take measures to remove temptation and set boundaries but it is such a new thing and has never ever been a problem before so I think I'm having trouble thinking preventatively because I don't immediately see danger when I leave Sarah in a room with a paper book for 2 minutes. I am not replacing the books because I want her to understand that ripping isn't something you can just fix or undo. She doesn't seem upset but it is a subject she likes to discuss.

On Tuesday I had another phone consultation with M. (a Son-Rise specialist) which was super helpful. The main focus was about Sarah's tantrums and crying sessions. I am realizing that when we let her do things some of the time but not all of the time, that probably sets the stage for tantrums. While it is clear to us about when things are ok and when not, it probably isn't to Sarah. I have been thinking I was being kind by sometimes allowing her to play in the car or with the door, but maybe that wasn't kind in the big picture because then she wants them every time. This week I kept reaffirming my intention to be clear and consistent, without allowing her screams to make me doubt myself. I think that is the biggest thing. When I am not sure of myself then I allow the crying and screaming to make me doubt my decision and feel like a bad, powerless parent. Deciding that I do make good decisions, or decisions with the best of intentions, and that it is ok to stick with them calmly and happily despite upset, has helped a lot. And it is something that I have to keep affirming because it is very easy for me to forget. (Today I started to forget and while I stayed firm in my decisions outwardly I was less inwardly sure and got rather grumpy so it is good to write this and remind myself of how I want to be).

With this whole program sometimes I can feel so energized and hopeful and that we are progressing so beautifully. And then sometimes I can start creating internal pressure to make Sarah neurotypical and developmentally normal, and that, if this is even possible, it also needs to happen quickly. I can feel like things are so consistently challenging and hard that I want to be done and just clock out of being a parent. This is not coming from a loving place, of myself or the girls. I want to focus on what we can do happily and enthusiastically without  pulling down into desperation. Nothing sucks the power out of a SR session faster than desperation or judging myself  (as a parent or team leader) or feeling like it is my responsibility to "fix" her. So I want to affirm my purpose in running this program. My purpose with Sarah-Rise is to help Sarah flourish to be the best Sarah she can be. I will do this through loving and accepting her for exactly who she is now and through inspiring growth using Son-Rise techniques. My purpose is to have a loving environment in the home for all who enter. My purpose with changing the way we eat is to help us all be healthy so we can function to the best of our ability. My purpose with training volunteers is to help Sarah have a varied experience and have more creativity and effective one-on-one time than I can provide on my own. My purpose in being a parent is to help both of my children flourish as their truest selves (and to help them learn to be independent members of society). As Bears says, to love is to be happy with. And, it's got to start with me. If I'm judging me then I'm not loving Sarah or anyone else. Some lessons seem to present themselves quite often. :)