January 26

I thank all of you who responded to my last update. Your suggestions, thoughts, and questions were so helpful. Sometimes questions might seem quite obvious and one would assume I had asked them of myself, but that is not always the case. I haven't yet thought through my answers specifically, but I love the question from one of my friends about what I want Sarah to get from school. I think sometimes what I want for her to get from life can take over my thinking so I don't break things down into smaller pieces. School is just one piece. I have one visit scheduled (weather permitting) and the other will be scheduled soon. I feel much better knowing my next few steps: Visit, discuss, clarify what we want Sarah to get from school. 

Among many thoughtful, loving, wonderful responses, I received these beautiful, amazing words from my step-mom: "What if you knew that The Extraordinary Miracle has already happened? That MANY of them have been happening? And more are continuing to happen? That what Sarah has already achieved in her short life is a miracle? Would you feel a huge high? A sense of I am good at this? Could you sit back, relax, and calmly soak in the radiance of success? I ask this because... Sarah's progress does seem to me like a miracle. We have no 'benchmark' that is appropriate for Sarah, thus one could say she is "behind" the "typical" child... or, another perspective is that she growing her skills by (extra-ordinary-sarah-)leaps and (extra-ordinary-sarah-) bounds at fantastic sarah-speed."

Anyway, thank you all again. You really do make a difference and are helping me think clearly, helping me navigate the path with as much joy as possible. You help me regain my footing when I slip.

This past week was very quiet and the girls didn't set foot outside. It has been very cold and they both had colds. Some of our volunteers were also sick. For all sorts of reasons, we didn't have a normal week. We did very little official SR and very little official brain building. We did lots of snuggling and resting and watching movies. The girls and I watched all of Monsters, Inc. I was impressed by their ability to stick with it the whole time and I think it was important that I was with them and talking through some of the parts to make it easier to understand. They also loved it when I would crack up. I had forgotten how funny it is! 

I have moments of noticing how extraordinarily wonderful it is to live with two small people. In these moments I am not thinking about what they will be like when they grow up, I am just really noticing who they are right now and how awesome and adorable it is. Sure, there are times I feel infuriated and frustrated, but the flip side is being so in love with their dear faces, voices, bodies, and spunky selves that I am the richest I could ever be and I am the luckiest person in world. One of my current favorite things is when Amy tells something to Sarah and ends by saying her name, in a way that clearly includes a comma. "I get to eat a banana but you don't get to eat a banana, Hara." (Amy doesn't say "s" yet so Sarah is Hara.) There is a small pause before "Hara" and then the name is elongated just a tiny bit. 

I am experimenting with a new approach to Sarah's yelling. I was inspired by another Son-Rise mom who mentioned in her blog that an undesired behavior went away after a week of her stopping whatever she was doing when the behavior happened. I realized that I hadn't been fully doing that in response to Sarah's yelling. If nothing else, it is helping me feel more calm. It feels like training myself to have a Pavlovian response because at first I was still responding and then half-way through my response I would realize that I was engaged. As the days go on, I am finding it easier not to respond but just freeze. I still look at her, but I wait to say or do anything more until she has regained a normal speaking voice or demeanor. I am not sure yet if it is changing her behavior, but at least it is changing mine!

Highlights from the week:

Sarah initiated a high 5 with me. 

Sarah answered a volunteer's question about her favorite color. She answered with a list of colors, but it was still the first answer to that question I have ever heard her give. And this was with a new volunteer in her first 30 minutes of being with Sarah! (Yes, we have another volunteer! Yay!!)

Sonia, Sarah, Amy, and I played 3 rounds of the Hat Game. 3 rounds of using up all the cards. Taking turns, acting out the activities! This is a game that I created months ago and it didn't go anywhere at the time. Recently a volunteer played it a little with Sarah, but this was the first time to try it with 4 players. The game involves a hat filled with little pieces of paper that describe some moment from one of the girls' favorite books and then there is a question or direction based on the description. For example, "Toad makes delicious cookies. Can you pretend to make cookies?" I am thrilled with how easy and fun it was to play the game and how adaptable it is. I even expanded it while we played, writing out new cards based on our latest batch of favorite books. We can just keep adapting the basic idea as long as we want. It involves taking turns but there is no winning or losing. Just fun and hanging out. It is also really fun to play such a game with other adults as some of the players. Sonia and Carl are creative and funny! What I also love about this game success is that it didn't succeed at first. It wasn't that it was a bad game or bad idea, it just wasn't the right time. Such a good reminder about anything else I might try that seems to flop. Maybe I just need to try again in a few months. 

We have teaching boards for a zipper, buttons, and snaps. We realized this week that Sarah can do the zipper and buttons all by herself! (She has been able to do the snaps for a while). Yesterday she zipped up her sweatshirt with only the tiniest bit of help from me!!! Yes, that was my entire sock drawer flying past your window as she knocked all of my socks off. I cannot believe that we are at this point. As with so many skills, she gets to them when she is ready. When she is ready she practices and works at it determinedly. If something seems laughably impossible, then perhaps we just need to wait and then at some point it won't seem laughably impossible. At some point, we will laugh with surprised delight as we realize what she can do. This is also a great reminder to respect the ism. Isms are repetitive, exclusive behaviors done for Sarah's own enjoyment where it doesn't really matter to her if we are there or not and it can feel hard to get a connection. The beauty of the Son-Rise approach is to respect the ism and assume it has value. With some of Sarah's isms I do not always see the purpose, but with some, such as repeatedly working with the snap, button, zip boards, it is very clear that she is doing the amount of practice that she needs to master something. So our gift to her is to get out of the way, allow the time and space, but be there to help when she asks. 

January 19

I am getting over a cold and feel like I have been in the same hamster wheel of thoughts, beliefs, and feelings that I have been in before regarding decisions about schooling next year. This time it has felt even more intense internally so maybe it makes sense that I feel sort of beat up. Maybe that is just being sick. Or maybe the reason I got a cold was because I questioned my decisions so harshly that I sort of beat myself up. Then again, Sarah has a cold too so maybe it is just germs and bad timing. I can get really scared that I have made the wrong decisions and will screw up Sarah's options in the long run. Or I get really scared that I will make the wrong decision going forward and screw up her options that way. I am worried that in trying so hard for a home run that I may strike out. I know a lot of these fears may not actually make sense to observers or even other people very close to the situation, but they are my internal experience and that is what I write about so I can remember it later.

The next step is to make a couple more visits to schools and then have some discussions with Carl and Sonia. And to try as much as possible to trust my gut. The specific detail I found out that has me tailspinning is that if we have S attend a public school they would want to put her in second grade and the most they might allow us to change that would be to first grade (I had thought we could do kindergarten). This is mainly regarding the life skills class which is just for kids with special needs. It is the class we had decided upon two years ago right before I decided to pull her out of school entirely for full-time Son-Rise. If she goes to private school then we have more leverage but then I feel like we are sort of committing to private school the whole way or home schooling the whole way. I visited my dream private school and took S to meet the kindergarten teacher, who was quite lovely with Sarah, but also thinks Sarah won't be ready for her class in the fall. Maybe in another year. The upcoming visits are to the private school preK for 4 yr olds and to the life skills class in the public school system, which at least has moved to be in a very convenient location. Somehow if she goes into the same class we had planned on before then I feel like I have failed, didn't achieve enough fast enough. I start questioning everything. And yet, if I hadn't kept her home for full time Son-Rise, I don't know if she would be talking now. Maybe. Maybe not. This all feels very hard and stressful. It has felt like an existential crisis about our program. At least I have lots of smart, loving people helping me think things through and not make any rash decision. I want to choose the path that will help Sarah flourish the most.

Yesterday Carl discovered Sarah "fixing" the toilet (which wasn't broken). She was there with the plunger in place and a grin on her face. Then last night she wanted to read instead of go to bed. Carl said no. Sarah said she needed to use the potty and that she wanted to go by herself. After many silent minutes, Carl went to investigate. Bathroom door closed, light on, Sarah inside reading outloud to herself. :) 

Anywho, that is all for today. I hope you are well.

January 12

I've been trying to wrap my mind around an idea lately which seems very simple but profound. When a day or moment is done and I notice how much I did or did not do, maybe that is just information. It doesn't have to be something that I beat myself up about. Maybe if I only got 4 out of 10 things done then that was all that could be done and that is information for the future. Maybe the amount of breaks I need during the week to stay afloat as my best self if just what it is and doesn't have to mean anything. It is just information. Maybe the amount of SR and of brain-building stuff we do in a day is the amount that could be done while still being present with the demands of the day, even if it doesn't match my theory of what could or should have been possible. 

Last week Sarah constructed Mat Man (a stick figure) from wood pieces. I have been modeling it and letting her have free play with the pieces for a while. This time I handed her the pieces while saying what they were for and she placed them all by herself. It looked almost identical to the one that I make!

We have a new volunteer who is totally awesome. All of my volunteers, past and present, are so awesome I just cannot believe it or begin to convey the magnitude of their wonderfulness. I continue to be amazed by the people who join our program and bring their sweet selves and respond quickly and easily to my feedback. So amazing. I still have moments of feeling awkward about accepting the help and find it hard to believe that they all really like to come here, but I think they really do. I am so so so so so blessed.

Amy has been playing with the Barbie and Skipper dolls that I brought out of storage for several weeks but Sarah hasn't shown much interest until this week. We found her playing with a Skipper doll in the rope handle on a drum. She was pretending to have it swing and saying "tick, tick, tick" just as Carl does when he pushes the girls on the swing.

One evening at bedtime, Sarah accidentally bumped my nose with her head. Completely on her own she then said, "I'm sorry. you ok?"

Pronouns have been a sticking point for a while and we continue to experiment with different ways of coaching her. During G.'s session he figured out a new prompt of "are you telling me...?" and waiting. Sarah then fixed her pronouns or perspective to be correct. Maybe she actually understands pronouns more than we think but gets confused about whose perspective she is voicing. Slowly but surely we are inching towards more clarity. I am starting to be more difficult and slow when she says something with the pronouns wrong and then I respond very quickly when she gets them right. I am hoping this will help too. A large part of this process is for me to notice when I enable the incorrect pattern instead of helping Sarah learn how to be clearer. 

Carl reports that Sarah is a speed demon on her tricycle when she is going downhill. I didn't realize our street had a slope but apparently it does since going uphill Sarah is a bit slower. 

I've heard of the concept of rewriting one's memories or changing the story one tells. As we have been spending lots of time looking at old photo books of when Sarah was younger, I find that I am doing just that. In the earlier days I had lots of joy but I also had lots of tight spots of fear and despair as I saw Sarah's peers galloping apace with their development as we trudged ever so slowly. I was scared then because I felt like we had to catch up and I didn't know if we would. It is so lovely to look back and tell my younger self that it is really all ok. I can enjoy the pictures more because I know she does in fact learn to roll over, sit up, crawl, stand, walk, and talk. From our eating struggles of the early days I have always held a vision of us telling Sarah of all the struggles as we all have a good chuckle together because it is clearly a moot point. I hold that vision still, and it is still somewhat to do with digestion and eating and sleeping through the night. We have made enormous progress with the eating situation but we are still in the midst of it too. Some day we will look back on these harder times and chuckle, telling our past selves that it really did all work out and letting the old fear evaporate.

May your current days and old memories be sweet.

January 5

Sarah's fine motor abilities and attentiveness continue to expand. Carl recently found Sarah wearing my pajama shirt, fastening and unfastening the buttons repeatedly all by herself!! Holy moly!!!!! Her drawings of smiley faces and stick people have improved notably. She continues to enjoy practicing writing. We played at least 4 rounds of tic-tac-toe where she easily made her wobbly, perhaps unrecognizable, "x" and waited her turn. I sometimes had to prompt her to write in the empty squares and she doesn't yet understand the goal or idea of winning, but it still felt like we were really playing a game. With Carl, Sarah built a Goldiblox contraption and was more attentive and focused than she has been in the past with building something.

I am super excited about Sarah's puzzle progress. Puzzles used to seem so impossible, even perhaps a year ago. Coaching Sarah to manipulate a piece correctly seemed impossible. Now she easily completes the wood puzzles where you put a piece in a hole of the same shape. She easily completes the shape-sorter ball. This week I gave her one of the 3-piece jigsaw puzzles that have one simple picture and a three-letter word. I put the three pieces almost together so her role was very clear. Then I moved the pieces farther apart. Then I rotated one piece. Then I turned one piece over. Then I turned all of them over and rotated them differently. The last stage was the only one where she needed help and she asked for it after trying by herself for a while. I gave one verbal suggestion and she got it. I feel like I finally understand the way to help her in small increments. At one of my Son-Rise training sessions, another parent recommended The Woman Who Changed Her Brain by Barbara Arrowsmith Young. I skimmed it and initially didn't think I had gotten much from it. Now I realize I got the idea that doing a certain task repeatedly and with variation can strengthen neural pathways for seemingly unrelated things. I don't know what other skills and abilities connect to puzzle abilities, but I believe it is helpful for Sarah to be able to look at a problem and understand how to begin manipulating things and changing things towards her desired outcome. 

The girls continue to come up with jokes together that are a mystery to me. When they both tried to go in a small room at the same time, Sarah said "no, no key!" and Amy cracked up. Then they both repeated the phrase several times while cracking themselves up. They also like to sing "baba doink doink" which is a spin-off of Carl's version of the Sandra Boyton song, "Perfect Piggies." I just love how Sarah and Amy feed off each other and build off of each other's statements.

Carl installed a pull-up bar in our bedroom. Both girls like to hang from it (with help) and to pull on the stretchy assistant strap, bouncing and swinging and hanging.

We have a play date every week, alternating houses. In the past, when it was not at our house I would only take Amy while Sarah stayed home for SR time. Due to winter vacation, this week I took Sarah with me too. It was wonderful! I think she was more focused on the other kids because it was a new space and she didn't have all of her familiar things to do that might distract her from the other kids. Whatever the reason, it went beautifully. She promptly sat down to play with playdoh with the other kids, saying "want to play." She alternated isming with the lids and interacting with my friend or the other kids. There were moments that felt like totally typical kid play. While I am used to this with Sarah and Amy together or with Sarah and adults, it is much more rare with non-family kids. Totally awesome. I have rearranged our schedule so now we can have Sarah participate in play dates every week, not just the ones that are at our house. I feel so blessed to have found what feels like the perfect play date situation for where we are in our lives right now.

As we have eased out of vacation and into our more usual schedule, I notice I have a deep inner blah about some of the tasks I set for myself each day. Some of this is probably based on the true experience of Sarah's resistance and the rest is probably based on my expectation of her resistance and my feeling like a failure so, you know, maybe I shouldn't even try and that would be easier. Or maybe I give myself a yucky feeling in the pit of my stomach so I will do the tasks so then the feeling will go away. Whatever it is, I want to shift it but haven't yet sorted it out.

My recent jumble of thoughts and questions for myself (while still primarily feeling good and excited about everything)...I wonder at what point I will allow myself to be done with all of this. And why do certain parts feel hard so that I want to be done? (the parts that feel hard are probably the parts for which I am doing these various programs! or maybe the hardest part is how I still think I'm not doing enough or doing it well enough) What do I mean by the idea of being done? It isn't that I will stop being a mom or being attentive to my kids or feeding my family. But I do look forward to a time when it feels easier and when both kids are in school full time and when we can eat more normally without my tracking Sarah's intake so meticulously and being so cautious about changes. Am I taking us all the way? Is that possible? What does all the way mean? Can't we all always learn and grow? Yes, but with Amy I don't feel like I need to help so intensely. I just know she is going to thrive. Isn't Sarah thriving too, doing and learning new things every week? Have I already gotten the ball rolling enough that I can just sit back and enjoy the ride? Can I have that mentality but still also show up to do things to help accelerate the process, such as Becky's program and SR time and the continued food journey? I really believe there can be a middle ground where I feel as relaxed as if I was already at my goal, while still moving towards that goal. I just haven't quite sorted that out yet. Maybe I could figure out incremental changes to help myself with this, the way I did with Sarah and puzzles. So my incremental change today will be to feel that feeling of relaxed achievement while still doing a task I believe to be helpful at least one time today. Awesome. Woohoo! I can totally do this!

As I have been writing, Carl went downstairs to discover Sarah filling our humidifier all by herself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This involves using a step stool to get to the kitchen sink, climbing down with the pitcher of water, walking to the humidifier and opening the lid, pouring in the water, and repeating. There goes another pair of my socks!

I wish for you clarity towards whatever incremental change will get you where you want to go.

December 29

Merry belated Christmas if that is what you celebrate. We had a lovely Christmas morning. The girls were either totally immersed in a new toy or couldn't open the new packages fast enough. It is exciting to note Sarah's progress via the toys that I now think are a good fit. To name just a few...we have jigsaw puzzles that are just 3 pieces and spell words. We have more dry-erase books for learning to write and draw. We have cuisenaire rods, which I loved when I was a child. Once we get past the ismy interest with plastic lids and small pieces of wood, they might be great for learning math or building or making designs or learning colors in Spanish, as I did in first grade. We have Goldiblox for learning engineering concepts!

The girls' uncle A. came to visit, much to the girls' delight. Sarah tends to glue herself to A. when he is here. She did a wonderful job asking him if she could touch his plaid shirt and asking him to go outside or to the Sarah-Rise room with her. Sarah's ability to ask questions is blossoming. Her eye contact isn't very solid during these times because we are asking so much more of her verbally. I think once it becomes easier to ask a full question then it will be easier to also have the full eye contact. Often she can give eye contact for some of the asking, especially if I encourage her to do so. What amazes me is that we are now at this point of helping her say full sentences and ask questions.

The day after Christmas is my dad's birthday so we all called to sing. Carl and I sang together, then Amy sang one line at normal speed and promptly hid in my shoulder, and then Sarah sang the whole song by herself including saying "happy birthday dear Granddad." This may have been the first time she got the recipient correct instead of wishing herself a happy birthday. Sarah's version had many pauses, but luckily Granddad knew to keep waiting without saying anything.

The girls and I have started having picnics in the Sarah-Rise room. We spread out the Twister mat and use tissues or napkins to hold our dried peas. While they crunch I sing songs or say poems about peas. Sometimes the original version deals with peas directly and sometimes I just use known songs and substitute words for what we are doing. For example, the song "goober peas" can be easily adapted to "dried-up peas." Sarah has learned the first line of "I eat my peas with honey" a traditional poem to recite in the Briggs household whenever peas are being consumed. Here is the whole thing as I know it...

I eat my peas with honey

I've done it all my life

It makes the peas taste funny

but it keeps them on my knife

When Sarah and I played in the SR room yesterday she was more open and willing to participate in the I Can Do That Cat-in-the-Hat game than ever. When I would instruct her to walk across the room with something on her head she did so, holding rather than balancing whatever object. She also did 4 giant steps, which turned into 10. The fact that she is responding promptly and easily is huge. We have had this game for a while and this time felt the easiest because she has moved beyond isming with the lid or the plastic bags. She still does that a tiny bit but with a flexible openness that wasn't there before.  We also used the ball from the game to have several rounds of catch in very close proximity, while I prompted distance with an Elephant and Piggie line, "You threw this ball from way over there?!" (or adapted, "Can you throw this ball from way over there?"')

Sarah has learned to write the letter "A" perfectly! We have been working on writing for a while and she has a pretty solid "H" and "t" already. Her "A" kept being upside down. One evening when the girls were playing in the basement and Sarah was at the chalk board I went over and we did hand-over-hand with the "A"  many times. And then she would do it independently upside down again. I started coaching her just as her chalk touched the board to go up. After doing that many many times it seemed like we had rewired her habit. Every once in a while she still starts it upside down but before she completes it with the horizontal line I tell her that it looks like a "u" and then she writes a right-side-up "A." So amazing!! I can't believe we are here now. I think that soon her writing ability may snowball just like her verbal ability did when we first started this program. I think it helps to focus really intently on a small detail until she gets it. We tried working on "S" yesterday and that feels much harder to coach her through, but it is beautiful how ready she is to practice and learn.

We had pizza! I had made a pizza before with almond flour crust and tomato sauce that met my requirements (from a jar! I didn't make it myself. Hallelujah!). The first time just had mushrooms on top but no cheese. Now we seem to have a cheese that Sarah can eat without getting itchy: Organic Valley organic, raw, mild cheddar. So now I can make pizza that even looks like pizza! Last time I made it I put bell pepper chunks on top. Sarah picked off the peppers to avoid them. Amy picked off the peppers to eat them first. So it goes.

I have had many short moments where I am not at my finest or kindest lately, usually involving yelling at the kids. After one time of yelling then I realized that maybe I needed to "get my sad out" as I tell the girls when they are upset. I sat on the sofa crying and Sarah came over with a tissue, climbed onto my lap, and wiped my tears away and squeezed my nose. She sat with me for many minutes, ministering with a tissue and sometimes with a sad face of her own. Not that she was actually sad, but she was making her face have that expression of concern. I wasn't thrilled about my yelling or upset, but I also thought it was a wonderful opportunity for Sarah to be so gentle and caring, completely of her own accord. It is also an opportunity for the kids to know that I can be upset but that doesn't change how much I love them. I'm trying to remind myself that this is all ok. It is frustrating to feel like I have a shorter fuse than sometimes, especially when just a week ago I felt on top of the world and deeply happy and could easily listen to and respond to the girls' screaming in a way that felt new. Sometimes I think once I have a breakthrough of understanding or thought then I have a bit of a backlash as my old habits try to hold on with tooth and nail. Carl's mom noticed that when Carl was little he would have extra upsets just before a breakthrough. Maybe the girls are having extra upsets because they are on the cusp of breakthroughs. Maybe they aren't having extra upsets and it is just me having extra upsets. Maybe I am on the verge of another breakthrough! Maybe the girls are having extra upsets because I am having extra upsets! I do not know. What I do know is that Carl is an amazing dad and husband, responding to all of us with love, patience, and creativity. I love watching him be a parent and I know I am deeply blessed to be on this journey with such an amazing man who can take my upsets in stride without getting caught up in them and without going away from me in any way. At our wedding we had my mom read a quotation which I feel is still perfectly fitting...

"Oh, the comfort - the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person - having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away." - Dinah Maria Mulock Craik, A Life for a Life

What I wish for all of us is that we become that friend to ourselves, letting the chaff blow away without condemning ourselves as unworthy of love or kindness. I think many of us who are parents already let a lot of chaff from the children blow by, knowing that it is part of growing up and developing. Yes, isn't it always?

I send you all much love and a breath of kindness.

December 22

Recently the girls had what I consider their first inside joke. I have no idea how it started, but now it has become a family joke and a useful alternative to cursing...."Oh coffee!" The girls were saying this back and forth and giggling for minutes on end. Yesterday when I got mad about something inanimate, Sarah came up next to me and said "oh coffee!" Indeed. 

During one of my SR sessions we did some singing together and I was struck by how much Sarah has progressed, specifically with singing the alphabet. I used to prompt her and then pause, waiting until she started saying each letter before I would chime in slight moment behind her. Now we can actually sing together and it feels real. She also sometimes belts out lines from the "sound that gives me power." A couple of times the girls sang some of "Jingle Bells" together. It is one of the best sounds I've ever heard. There are moments when Sarah is playing by herself and singing to herself, just as Amy does, which feels exciting too.

Some of Sarah's volunteers have been noticing how much her physical play has increased lately. Awesome. Once again I am in awe of this whole Son-Rise Program framework that creates the opportunity for so much creativity to flow into my house. My volunteers come up with such fun ideas!

Sarah and Amy often have moments of playing chase or a sort of tag, running around our downstairs. 

There is such power to focused simplicity. Much of the gift that we are giving to Sarah is time. Time to process our requests, time to respond, time to initiate, time to be herself. Sometimes this can feel like I'm not doing anything. Yes, that is precisely what I am (not) doing. I am getting out of the way. I am inhibiting any urgent prompting. The moments that I (we) do prompt are often directed by our current goals. It means we don't have to try to do everything at once. We work on the current goals for a while and then whether or not there is progress, we reevaluate and change the goals so that we stay fresh. It is so exciting to realize that almost everything we set as a goal eventually happens. Sometimes within days, sometimes within years. But I love having a framework that helps us focus and move forward without it feeling overwhelming. If it feels overwhelming then that usually means I am trying to climb a mountain with one big step instead of finding the path and taking the first small step.

For the past couple of weeks, especially with Carl away for work, I have dropped my expectations for what I get done in a day way below my normal expectations. There have been many days where I basically did none of Becky's program. It has felt weird, sometimes disappointing, and sometimes liberating. I keep reminding myself that taking a break doesn't mean I can't start it up again at any moment. My biggest goal is to keep my own heart feeling peaceful and happy as much of the time as possible. I can sometimes think that is just a side ingredient, but maybe that is the most important ingredient of all. 

December 15

This week I have had more epiphanies. I felt like I realized the solution to life, the universe, and everything. And then I interacted with my children.

So, I haven't figured it all out. But, I think that even having a new enlightened thought is helpful, even if I only think it for a moment the first time.

My first realization came from talking with Sonia regarding the Son-Rise developmental model and how to help Sarah meet our current goals. It seems that the best way to help her respond easily and calmly even when she doesn't get what she wants is for me to respond easily and calmly (meaning, actually be happy) when I don't get what I want. Darn it all! I love this and hate this at the same time. Actually, I just really love it, including the challenge of it. This means really being ok with not meeting all my goals in a day. Or with the girls not doing what I tell them to do. Having this be my goal has already changed some moments and made them easier.

My second big aha came yesterday morning when I was attending a workshop on Thai Massage for the Table. I already have been trained in Thai Massage and I love it but haven't done it for a few years. The workshop this weekend was wonderful and rekindled my love of the work. My aha, however, was the realization that I could really deeply love all of our struggles. I could truly and excitedly embrace that we are still working on tummy issues with Sarah. And that Amy is in a phase that includes lots of whining. Ruminating on this in my idle moments, I felt solid and joyful and was sure that miracles would be occurring at home simply because of my new open thinking. I excitedly drove home. And then I walked in the door. I don't quite have my new love solid. I am still a bit tired of dealing with some of our issues that have been issues for either weeks or months or years. If those issues could clear up right now that would be fine by me. The thing is, even if I am not the epitome of love at all times, I am thrilled that I could even truly consider the possibility of loving the problems. Not fakely loving them, but really loving them. I felt love for them from a distance so the next step is to love them up close.

In the workshop we were asked to reflect upon our true nature, who we are at our deepest, truest core. My answer: I am renewingly determined love. Yes, I stumble and grumble and flail in the muck of my best intentions. And I want to quit and scream and give up. And then I get back up and I renew my love and my vision and my dreams and I dig deep and reach broadly and come up with new ideas and more love. My stubbornness serves me well. I am really good at not giving up on the big picture. Sure I give up in tiny ways and shake my emotional fists, but then I will reach for new insights and find new paths.

It is wonderful having Carl back from Australia!! Sarah greeted him with, "Missed you. I love you so much." 

In Sarah news... tonight at bedtime she spontaneously said, "Hello Jenny Briggs." Yes, those were my socks again flying past your window.

In Amy news....yesterday I told them they could each have one cupcake. Amy responded, "I want two ones." Amy's language is galloping apace. She asks me what I am making or what is in things. Her language has nuances that Sarah's doesn't yet have. What is exciting is that I think Sarah listens differently to Amy and might learn some things more quickly once Amy says them.

The girls have sung duets twice in the past week. Very very short duets. This is so exciting. One was while they were both plunking on the piano and singing "Jingle Bells."

I tried making a new breakfast dish this week and it didn't go as smoothly as planned. When the raw egg spilled out of the avocado I said, "oh poop!" Then Sarah said, "oh poop!" Then Amy said, "Hara haid oh poop!" (Sarah said oh poop). At least my word choice was as tame as it was.

May any of your new thoughts be lovely, even if they only last for a moment.