June 22

At the beginning of the week I thought I had an epiphany of understanding that all I had to do was keep prioritizing happiness and everything would work itself out. I had a couple of amazing, powerful, clear, present, loving days where I was impressed with how well I was interacting with the kids especially around their upsets. I acknowledged their feelings and listened and didn't feel any need to stop the upset. Then the underwear fight happened. On Wednesday night I made a deal with the kids that they could have ice cream if they agreed that after the treat they would get ready for bed quickly and easily. It doesn't work to make a deal with a three year old when I do my part of the bargain first. Sarah did pretty well with getting ready for bed with few prompts. Amy refused to put on underpants or do anything. I completely lost my composure, presence, and happiness. I yelled, screamed, stomped, and hit the wall. Then both kids were crying and I was still mad. I felt like I had been betrayed in the deal we made and for some reason I felt desperate for them to be in bed (perhaps because Carl was out of town and the sitter's car broke down so I didn't get to go to Zumba). 

I haven't lost it so largely in a long time. I felt confused in the moment as if this tide of emotions came out of nowhere. Within about ten minutes I regained my footing a bit and we had good cuddles and talked about being on the wrong ball and being borkupines (porkupines) which is a reference to a favorite book about when a mom is mad. So we ended well and lovingly, except I continued to beat myself up about it (and still do a bit). Going forward I think I need an emotional back-up kit to use as soon as a planned Jenny-time gets taken away. It often seems fine in the moment but I think I need to see it as a red flag to tread carefully and gently with myself and the girls, quickly planning some form of Jenny-something so I don't start to feel desperate and martyr-ish. I could also use the red-flag to help me remember my intention of how I want to be with the kids.

When they were in bed Wednesday night, I started cleaning the kitchen and doing some cooking and then I stepped in cat vomit. Carl was supposed to return on Thursday evening but his flight was cancelled. Luckily I was able to arrange for a sitter and I went to Zumba after work. This felt like a great plan and I might have been grumpy if I didn't have the opportunity, but I spent the Zumba class being a bit harsh with my body judgements. Then I went home and had salad with bacon and strawberries and a huge piece of chocolate cake. And then I couldn't sleep. So the first half of the week felt awesome and the second half felt rather miserable. 

I feel like I've been struggling a lot lately, feeling like things are hard, feeling overwhelmed especially regarding home schooling, feeling like I am not running a good Son-Rise Program, feeling like an ineffective team leader, etc. And then I feel bad because I am struggling and I think people will wonder why I am running this program if I am so miserable. The reason is I still think that even with my struggly, bumbling times, we still have lots of really good times and that just being at home a lot helps Sarah learn things in a more digestible, familiar environment than being in a different setting. We can do food and potty-time with relative ease. Days are long so even if I feel crappy about some portion of them, there are still lots of good parts. It is just that days have a lot of moments in them. Perhaps some upset comes from feeling like things shouldn't feel hard and that if I'm not happy and inspiring all of the time then Sarah won't progress and won't completely heal. Maybe there is some truth in that, but maybe not absolute truth, given that she seems to be progressing even when I'm not happy all the time.

I also keep comparing myself to other Son-Rise moms I know who seem to have it all figured out, being happy all the time and having happy kids who understand how to choose happiness. But I realize that I don't actually know very much about their days or emotions. I am just making it up that they have it all figured out. Or I compare myself to stay-at-home moms in general and I feel like a wuss that I have such trouble even when I have an abundance of help. However, I don't really know how those moms feel or how much or how little they struggle.

Friday and Saturday we had an outreach with M. This was super, amazingly, awesomely helpful. M. observed most of our team playing with Sarah and gave us feedback. She also played with Sarah while I observed. As with previous outreaches, I learned so much just from watching M. She kept going with play scenarios for much longer than I do, even when Sarah's only participation was watching. The next day I heard Sarah by herself, quoting M.'s play about being stuck in a tree. Sarah was totally drinking it all in. I expanded my understanding of how I can continue to build ideas within a game in all sorts of directions. I was reminded how much more effective I feel when I have an idea for play before I enter the room. 

For part of my play session with Sarah, I brought out several sheets of paper and had Sarah write some of her favorite sounds on them. The sounds are mostly from a different game I created so I knew she liked them, and I added a couple more. She wrote: la, ma, wa, yip, and gah. I spread them out on the floor and hopped on them, saying the sound as I hopped. I lost my balance and grabbed for Sarah to help me. I encouraged her to hop and she did with two feet. The paper stuck to her feet a bit. I held her and moved her legs so she could hop alternately on one foot. She giggled a lot with that. Then we switched to sitting and hitting the paper with our hands and saying the sounds. I kept reminding her to say the sounds and she did. I rearranged the papers sometimes and it started to seem like a great reading exercise. She was knowing which sound went with which paper. That felt awesome and fun. Then when her attention seemed to wane I packed up the pages and put them away. What I now understand is that I could have introduced the game again with new variations. For instance, I could have held one page and run around the room making the noise. I could have tossed the paper in the air. We could have worn the pages as hats. I could have written a song with only those sounds. We could have made more pages with new sounds. We could have made smaller papers with sounds and played a memory game. We could have written a story about the game we just played, drawing pictures of ourselves hopping on paper and making noise.

Friday in the early evening, I found Sarah in my bedroom holding the home phone. She said "want to call mom-mom by yourself." She meant she wanted to call by herself. I told her what buttons to push and then when the voice mail started I suggested what she could say. She easily and happily left her message, "Hi Mom-Mom. Hi Pop-Pop. I love you. This is Sarah. Bye." Sooooo sweet and cute!

Saturday at lunchtime Sarah spilled soup on her shirt and wanted to change it and then wanted a nap. I wanted her to wait until she was done eating so another shirt wouldn't get dirty. Things quickly went south, with much Sarah-screaming. At first I felt terrible that this was happening during our outreach but I think it was actually perfect. Perfect because I couldn't keep it together anymore and sat at the table with M. (Carl took the girls), crying about how hard everything has been feeling. I was raised with the knowledge of the healing, helpfulness of a good cry, but I haven't had one in a long time. It helped to let it out and be honest about how inept I was feeling. I felt daunted by the upcoming team meeting because I felt so uninspired and uninspiring. M. suggested that I be honest about it all and go from there. That is what I did and it was so great to remember how safe I am with my team and how wonderful they are. They are amazing with Sarah and they are amazing with me. They help me as much as they help Sarah. I still feel a bit guilty accepting the help but that is the part of me that still feels like pond scum. If I allow that when I am feeling like pond scum then maybe I'm not quite seeing myself or the world clearly, then I can let it be and accept the help gratefully.

I hope you are having good weekends and that you are surrounded by gentle, loving amazingness when you need it.

Regarding my last update and the chocolate zucchini bread, the recipe at http://paleomg.com/moist-chocolate-zucchini-bread/.

My variation for Sarah is to substitute 2 tbsp flax meal for the eggs (1 tbsp per egg) and to not squeeze out the liquid from the zucchini. I also use cashew butter instead of sunbutter so my recipe is not nut-free.

June 15

I dedicate this update to chocolate zucchini bread.... It was a mom-saver for our recent trip when people were almost always eating things that Sarah couldn't have. She rocked it, as usual, but I think it helped that I had some of her favorite foods available. I make a chocolate zucchini bread that is grain-free, refined-sugar-free, vegan, and super delicious. 

The trip included seeing both sets of my parents, my brother, Carl's cousin and her family, my sixth grade teacher and his family, and our college reunion. I used to babysit for my sixth grade teacher when I was in college and his sons were Amy's age and newborn. Now they are all grown up! How does that happen? It was wonderful and challenging seeing so many people and being in so many new places. At the reunion, when I spoke with someone for 10 minutes that seemed like a long conversation and there were people that I didn't get to talk with at all. We were in the same dorm we are always in for reunions and it is far from my favorite, but we were across the hall from some good friends who also have kids so that was awesome. There was an art installation on campus of long plastic strips (we called them curtains) hanging from a bar and the girls looooved playing there. I was grateful that it was there and that they loved it and I also hated that it was there because of the screaming that ensued any time we left it. We carried the girls all over creation, and I also always had a backpack with water, food, a potty seat, and back-up clothes. The girls got to run all over the beautiful campus and we also said "no" a ton, compared to how often we say it at home, which is still a lot. I felt like we had to shadow the girls much more than usual in all places and it was a relief to get home where I can let them be on their own more easily. 

One night, Sarah stayed up late. When I finally got her back in bed, she put an arm over Amy and then gave Amy a kiss. Soooooo sweet!! Overall lately, whether at the reunion or with the cousins or at our block party or at a neighborhood birthday party, Sarah has seemed more present when she is around other kids. She still isms some but she also goes over to join kids in a frisbee game (or attempt to join) or to sit with a group of kids. She doesn't bend her neck so she can look at kids' feet upside down like she used to. We still have some ground to cover, but it is exciting to see her in a less overwhelmed/over-excited state.

Sarah has started answering questions with "um..." It is the cutest! It is also functional because it gives her more time to answer while signaling that she heard the question and is working on an answer.

With Carl's cousin and her kids, one afternoon we were walking and some of them were singing the "who stole the cookie?" song. When someone said "Sarah stole the cookie from the cookie jar" she said, "Yes!" with a grin. Not the way the song goes, but so perfect.

At a rest stop, Carl was helping Sarah sound out "wet" on a sign and Sarah wasn't quite getting it but then she said, "floor." That was the next word but we hadn't said it at all or even pointed to the word. We don't know if somehow she miraculously read it or if she just remembered it from some past reference or deduced it from the context. I do know she has a phenomenal memory.

Sarah has started rehearsing for an open-mic at a Spoken Word event, or so it seems. She often belts out the alphabet in a loud, almost angry-sounding, speech. Hilarious.

Our trampoline has a bar so that you can hold on while you jump. Or, if you are a small child, you can use the bar to do a flip. Amy figured it out a couple of days ago and then Sarah got it last night. It is harder for Sarah because her legs are longer, but she got it. Watching the girls flip is amazing.

During a recent SR time with Sonia, Sarah played catch with small stuffed animals, including 2 Hello Kitty animals. She then initiated the game with Carl and with me, teaching us how to do it. One person holds both kitties and then throws them one after the other to the other person. Then the recipient takes a turn.

Sarah wrote a Father's Day card that Carl could read! Those not familiar with her writing might not understand it, but Carl could. Amazing that Sarah is really learning to write. She also wished Carl a Happy Father's Day.

Speaking of fathers, I am so grateful for the ever-present support and love I have received from my dad and stepdad. I have never doubted their love for me or their belief that I can do whatever I set out to do. That is not to be sneezed at. And I am so grateful to be sharing my parenting journey with Carl. I marvel at his beautifully creative, loving, attentive parenting on a daily basis. He inspires me to continue striving for my own relaxed creativity. On our recent trip I somehow forgot to pack any of my Relaxed Creativity and I felt like I was running on grumpy-stressed-anxious-empty for a lot of the time. Luckily, Carl had remembered his RC so we managed pretty well.

Speaking of running on grumpy-empty... it is amazing to me how differently I can feel at different times. There have been many recent moments where I felt completely incapable of getting from point A to point B, point A perhaps being the kids being in pajamas and point B being the kids dressed and ready to go. When the kids are willing then this is no problem, but when they are resistant and when I have no reserves then this felt impossible and I felt tearfully desperate. I wanted to hand in my resignation and just walk away from the whole thing. And then time passes and my thinking shifts... I read some of Raun's book again and it was reminding me that it isn't the situation causing my unhappiness but rather my thoughts about the situation. This is not new information, but it was a timely reminder. Over a breakfast date with Carl this morning I felt like I was able to shift into remembering how awesome the girls are and how amazing my life is. It is like moving through the curtain art at our college with how quickly things can shift. The hard moments were giving me more compassion for others who are mired in hurt grump; when I am mired it is really hard to function and see that things could be different. When I am free then I don't see where the mud was to begin with. Thank goodness for other people to help me navigate through the muck and enjoy the freedom. 

I hope you have all had an easy muck-free couple of weeks.

June 1

Perhaps I should stop writing about my breakthroughs in thinking because it seems that every time I write about an insight then I lose my new perspective shortly thereafter. Is this because once I commit it to writing I stop thinking about it so actively? Or would it happen anyway just because things and thoughts are always changing? After my last update when I said I wanted to have a vacation mentality, I realized that wasn't the whole picture. I had read a quotation from Anne Lammott  about how it would be heartbreaking if you get to the end of your life and realize you didn't let yourself live fully because of self judgements. Her example was about not going swimming because you were worried about your tummy being too big. I agree that that would be heartbreaking. I don't want to get to the end of my life and realize that I spent the whole time judging my tummy or whole self. During Zumba class I have an excellent opportunity to judge myself and I am striving to have the judgements be kind rather than cruel. I am succeeding somewhat and when I am kind then I feel a joy instantly spring forth within me. So, clearly I have everything figured out forever and will always be happy and never harsh! 

Last weekend was very challenging. Whenever Carl has to work on the weekend I seem to struggle, much more than I do when he is at rowing. I think this is because I am fighting the situation, basically tantruming grumpily through the whole process because it feels unfair and the duration is undetermined. I sometimes do this in response to the girls' behaviors too, resisting that they are happening and slumping through my belly button into the floor (if one were to draw my energy). 

Half of this week felt challenging (yes, corresponding to the time of the month, but no less valid). On Friday I felt deeply slumped in feeling inadequate as a mom (because if I was better then I wouldn't have whiney screamy kids), as a team leader (because I don't always have insightful helpful things to say during feedback sessions; though Sonia pointed out that maybe this is because my volunteers are all awesome, which is true), as a wife (because I slump and grump so often), and as a Jenny (because I have a tummy and some frizzy gray hair and get grumpy and yell-ey sometimes), and as an SR facilitator (because I felt so uninspired to go in the room, even though we actually had some fun, new creative play once I did go in the room). 

In contrast, yesterday felt like a good, easy, productive day overall. The girls did water color painting for the first time, we expanded and relocated their sandbox (sand is heavy!), and created a water table/turtle out of their old sandbox. We also did various other yard projects and cleaning, and I got some cooking done. The girls played outside for almost the whole day. I had mostly good energy and felt good overall. Is this because of being productive? having Carl around for over half of the day? were the girls less screamy? For as much as I get tired of cleaning the kitchen, do I actually feel better when it is clean? I know I do, but when I am feeling yucky it is not always the thing I am itching deal with, though perhaps that could be my first line of defense against feeling yucky. 

But enough about me, what about Sarah? I forgot to mention that at a playdate two weeks ago Sarah said, "hi" to her friend H. and H. said "hi" back. It was so easy and normal and yet this sort of interaction between Sarah and other kids does not really happen yet. Sometimes at school probably, but I am not there to see it. With her volunteers there is always an exchange of greetings, but this was with a peer of about the same age. 

Sarah has started saying, "hey" as a greeting with some of her volunteers (N. and G.), and this is awesome and adorable. Sarah even paused in her shorts fixation with G. to look up and say "hey" before attending to his shorts.

When M. was with Sarah, M. wrote "Sarah" and "Amy" on a white board. Sarah knows those words by sight. Then M. wrote her own name and Sarah started sounding it out and then got it all by herself! I feel like Sarah is turning a corner in terms of reading, as if she is starting to really understand that she has the ability to sound things out and that that is the key to reading and knowing what a word is without being told. 

Sonia often has games with Sarah where Sarah is a monkey hanging on to Sonia's neck. Recently, Sonia expanded this to "monkey on a log" where Sarah sits on Sonia's legs. Sometimes the log is still and sometimes it is in the water and starts to encounter turbulence, throwing the monkey into the water. Sarah loves it!

Sarah has continued to have some skin issues. I had thought these were in response to the various supplements we had started, but now it has been a few weeks since we stopped the supplements and I haven't introduced new foods. I took her to the pediatrician and we are now figuring that some of her hives are due to playing outside and having a reaction to something and that maybe her finger blisters were a reaction to putting non-finger paint on her hands. For most art projects I give the girls washable paint, but it isn't finger paint. No more of that, at least for a while. I still feel uncertain about everything, possibly more than ever. Usually Sarah's skin is one of the ways in which I determine food sensitivity. How many times in the past did I think something was due to food and it was actually a reaction to something outside? That is why I try foods multiple times. I feel eager to start adding new foods and the supplements again, but also concerned that I won't know if she is having a reaction to a supplement or not. On the plus side, today her skin does finally seem mostly clear.

I have started soaking nuts before using them. This is easy but does require thinking ahead. Apparently it makes nuts much easier to digest. Once I get into more of a routine with this then I will try making my own nut butter from the soaked nuts. Recently I have been making almond milk and then I dehydrate the remaining almond meal to use in granola. The almond milk is so easy to make! Sarah loves it. Apparently it is an excellent source of calcium, which is good given that Sarah doesn't eat many leafy greens or broccoli and has no dairy.

Our little howler monkey has been climbing the walls. Literally. She is so strong!!

Much as I can bristle in response to her screams, I do appreciate how Sarah keeps me on my toes, ever striving for more space within myself to allow us to be our full selves, screams, grumps, slumps, whines, and all. Sometimes magazines edit pictures of beautiful people to get rid of the extra curves and bumps, even though they are really part of the picture. Maybe all the screams, grumps, and slumps are part of the picture of a beautiful life and don't need to be edited out or removed. Maybe. (but dang it, now I've written about it I will lose all of this perspective in the next minute! :)

May 25

It was a totally amazing and wonderful week! I had new thoughts and intentions and I kept them until Saturday morning. My new intention is to feel like I am on vacation all the time, with that ease and joy and lack of time pressure. I have a truly, deeply, amazingly, wonderful life and I want to embrace that and revel in it. I am the one making the schedule and most of the rules, so why not be gentle instead of beating myself to go faster or do more? Interestingly enough, I got in about 8 hours of Sarah-Rise time in the room. Easily! With fun and joy! Sarah didn't resist it at all. I asked Carl to help me remember my intention and he asked how he could do that because if I need a reminder then I might not be in a frame of mind to take a reminder kindly. I didn't have an answer so he created the Intention Dance, in which he cavorts around ridiculously. How can anyone stay uptight in the face of an Intention Dance? (Well, apparently I can because yesterday morning I was firmly attached to being grumpy and having a hard time, intention dance or no. I do not handle things with the greatest aplomb when Carl has to work on the weekend and the girls seem extra whiney or screamy.) 

But, really, it was an amazing Monday-Friday overall.  Awesome SR sessions, wonderful outdoor play, and a fun field trip to playground and the Aviary. We went to get hair trims for the girls and it was Amy's first cut done by someone other than me. (On the way home from the haircut Amy threw up in the car. Friday evening as I cleaned up the family room, I discovered that our cat had been peeing in the box of My Little Ponies and Barbies so I had to give all of the dolls baths. Then the cat threw up.)

I have been continuing my slow process of getting more information and organization regarding home schooling. I don't know if the core curriculum stuff is required for us, but I did look through all of the PA core curriculum standards for PreK. I had planned to look through Kindergarten standards too, but the preK stuff was enough and is clearly where we are. Some of it seems totally do-able and some of it seems like something that "in my day..." I did in first or second grade. Anyway, it has been helpful to look at and think about because it helps me think differently about how to expand my play with Sarah, which probably makes the play more interesting.

On Monday, Sarah and I created the dungeon game. She said something about poor Sarah Bucket Head in a dungeon, which is a reference to Snow White and Prince Bucket Head. I started building a dungeon around Sarah, using milk block cartons. She crawled through the space between two of them and I said she had squeezed through the bars. She found this funny and did it again. I then took on the role of the prison guard and picked her up, rocking her a few times as I threw her back into the dungeon. She escaped again! I continued to expand my responses, throwing her over my shoulder, going down an imaginary spiral staircase, having rats scurry over her feet, slamming the milk carton door closed, sliding an imaginary bolt, locking several locks, etc. She kept escaping and then would come stand right in front of me waiting for recapture. It was so cute! And so fun! And tiring. As soon as my energy waned, Sarah started isming, stepping in and out of the dungeon but without the interactive play. Maybe she was tired too. She then used the potty and escaped to her room, but I had the perfect scenario for bringing her back so I threw her over my shoulder and we resumed interactive play. Throughout the week we have returned to the dungeon play many times. We have also had many ism/joining times stepping in and out of the dungeon. I am so glad to have had that time. Having two hours is great because unexpected things can happen and I also have time to really be with myself and notice my own thoughts. With joining an ism I still go on a thought journey, reminding myself that it is perfect, it is a way to say I love you to Sarah, it is exactly the most helpful thing to do, exactly what I should be doing in that moment. What is interesting is that often once I have my thoughts clear, Sarah is ready to reconnect with me.

Sarah and I had lots of play involving eating ice cream with milk block cartons as ice cream and markers as spoons. I often offer her peanut butter ice cream to help her practice saying, "No, thanks, I'm allergic." We added several toppings, including whipped cream of the sort my family calls "shush" because of the sounds it makes coming out of the can. Sarah made the sound. We added cherries and ate them, being careful not to eat the stem. One day we made money. I held the paper and Sarah cut along the folded line I had made. She has improved immensely with her use of scissors. She can do it with one hand! She wrote numbers on the money as I dictated the denominations. Then she came to my ice cream store and sorted through her purse to find the correct bill. She bought three different things from me! This took some coaching on my part, but she was willing.

In response to last week's update, a family member sent me the following quotation from Abraham-Hicks. It seems quite perfect for me on this journey and it is what helped me with my latest intention, so I will end with it as a way of helping me reaffirm my intention once again:

"Mining the moment for something that feels good, something to appreciate, something to savor, something to take in, that's what your moments are about. They're not about justifying your existence. It's justified. You exist. It's not about proving your worthiness. It's done. You're worthy. It's not about achieving success. You never get it done. It's about "How much can this moment deliver to me?" And some of you like them fast, some of you like them slow. No one's taking score. You get to choose. The only measurement is between my desire and my allowing. And your emotions tell you everything about that." - Abraham

May 18

Usually, when I see friends who get these updates, I feel that I have nothing to tell them when they ask how I am doing. This week I had the lovely gift of people asking how I was, wanting to really know the nitty gritty details and I let myself spill it all out instead of thinking I had nothing new to say. So, here is some more spillage.

I am doing really well and I am floundering about and struggling. I am middling. I am blah. I am introspective as I consider the big picture of life. My step-grandma recently died and I went to Delaware for three days for the memorial service and family gatherings. It was really wonderful to see so many family members that I don't often get to see. I was very moved by seeing a picture of my step-grandma when she was about Sarah's age. How can we go through all of these phases of life and then not be here?? How is she not here anymore in her usual form? How am I not still 7 years old? How is it possible that Sarah and Amy, if we are lucky, will grow up and have kids? How is it possible that I will grow old? And I sincerely hope I do. I hope to stay mentally and physically fit, but I do indeed hope to be a grandmother and great-grandmother. And yet, how is that possible? 

I am so critical of myself in so many areas but I am contemplating the idea that maybe it is all ok. Maybe it is ok if I don't work the hardest, eat the healthiest of anyone, lose a couple of pounds. Maybe I am still allowed to exist and be happy. Maybe I don't need to justify my existence and my choices. And, yet, with regard to Sarah, I do in fact have to justify my choices somewhat so the various powers-that-be let us continue. But maybe I have more leeway with this than I think.

We stopped Sarah's supplements over a week ago because her skin was having such strong and varied reactions. We are still waiting for her skin to fully heal and then I will start the supplements again but one at a time so I can tell which ones are a problem. This feels frustrating to be in a holding pattern, waiting before we can move on. I also feel like I have relaxed a lot compared to the early days of our various dietary changes. I am more accepting that this may take a while and that eventually we will move forward.

When I was away, Carl and the girls spent some time with some neighborhood kids. Sarah was isming with a large umbrella and not responding to a child who was saying, "Talk. Why don't you talk? can't you talk?" or something like that. Amy came over and said, "She can talk!" I'm not sure if this was defending her sister or more correcting an error on the part of the other child. Sarah can talk and Amy knows it and Amy likes everything to be stated correctly.

I was pleased with one of our art projects this week. Sometimes the girls try to push each other off a chair when they want to sit where the other is sitting. I started talking to them about this and using some language from Pete the Cat books. Amy wanted to see the actual book so I decided we would make one. I found coloring pages of Pete online and printed several. I wrote some text about Pete's Seat, making two copies of each page and then giving them to the girls to color. I love our new books! 

In talking with my mom yesterday I once again saw how clearly I believe that I have to be working hard in order to make a difference or be ok. We laughed about how I could work hard at taking it easy and my mom quipped, "put your back into it!" I love that. Perhaps I can actually let things flow more relaxedly if I acknowledge the effort it sometimes takes to let things go. So I do intend, at least for a day or two, to put my back into it! 

When Carl and I were talking about eating and my various intentions and struggles he commented that what helps him is saying he will have xyz first (eg veggies) and then if he is still hungry he can have whatever treat was seeming enticing. This has proved quite helpful in the day I've had it in my mind. If I tell myself I shouldn't have xyz at all ever then I almost immediately have it because I can't stand the restriction. Telling myself that there is no restriction, just a possible delay, is helping me make choices more in line with my intentions. I wonder if this could further apply to my SR intentions and being ok if things don't go as I think they should.

I have not done any official SR time in the room this week. I was gone for 3 days, and then on Thursday and Friday when I suggested we could go do mom-Sarah time, Sarah yelled, "no! no! no! no Sarah-Rise room!" I haven't wanted to force it and haven't felt great about her response. When a volunteer arrives, Sarah eagerly and quickly goes to the room, so this is not about the room. I am uncertain about how to proceed given that with the intention of homeschooling I have the plan of a slightly more regulated schedule of events. I certainly can still give Sarah focused attention outside of the room but it is different. And it's not that she doesn't want to be with me. She spent many minutes this morning cuddling on my lap, tucked into my bathrobe, pretending to be a baby. (Amy really wanted to be on my lap too so I recited Pete's Seat as I encouraged her to find a different seat). Maybe I have been feeling that I should go in the room and maybe Sarah is picking up on that and not wanting to be with should energy. Maybe if I put my back into chilling out more then she will want to go in the room more. Does that count as relaxing more if I am then peeking to see if it works? But if it does work to really chill out and then Sarah still thrives, how can it be that easy?? how can that be ok?

Amy and I played Cootie this morning, a recent find at a yard sale. I was really struck by how easy it was to play a game with her. She waited while I explained things, she wanted help with taking her turn. There was no rush. Often when I play games with Sarah it is mostly about my goal of playing a game with her and I feel like I must be extra dynamic and speedy to keep her interest and show her it is fun. Perhaps I can learn from my time with Amy and let myself slow down more with Sarah. Maybe this would be more effective. Or, if she then preferred to do something else, maybe that is information too and that I don't need to force it. 

I think part of my recent struggly feelings are due to resisting Sarah's condition/situation. My efforts in all realms are really to fix it. But I am tired and want to be done. My mom pointed out that maybe I am ready to be done with some part of how I approach our situation. For instance, perhaps it is time to really let go of feeling responsible or like there is something to fix and that I should have done so already. But how can I just be? I feel like I must be driven by a goal of helping Sarah, but I also know I am actually more creative when I am most relaxed. This feels like an internal conundrum and tug-of-war, even though it is probably actually all going toward the same truth. And if we are all going to die anyway then maybe I could stop sweating everything so much. 

May 11

On the way upstairs to write this, I stopped by our chocolate stash and picked out a partially eaten bar, initially intending to break off a chunk. Then I thought better of it, it being Mother's Day and all, so I put the whole thing in my bathrobe pocket. At this point, Carl and I burst into gales of deep belly laughter. I love that I can be so rustically, genuinely, messily me and that we can have a shared, loving laugh about it. 

Yesterday, when I thought of writing this update, I considered having it be quite brief: "I'm tired."

Because I am. So tired. The two hour nap that Carl let me have yesterday was awesome and did wonders for my feeling more loving towards the world. But I am still tired. I love love love our program and I love spending so much time with my girls and cooking good food for them and shopping for good ingredients and thinking about how to make their growing up wonderful. And sometimes I want to scream and turn in my resignation and just walk away from it all. Sometimes I am so tired of Amy's whining and Sarah's screaming. Sometimes I wonder how it is possibly time to make more food again because didn't I just make food yesterday?? Sometimes I am so tired of the mess that our house so often is. But would I want to step out of my role and give it to someone else? No way! Hands off! But, yes, please, I do want to keep the short breaks and all of the wonderful amazing support I have. 

Yesterday we went to a birthday party at Gymkhana, where the girls used to take gymnastics a year ago. Sarah was amazing. Sometimes at home I can feel like Amy is better at listening and following directions, but she actually had a harder time at the party and on a few occasions told me she wanted to be alone (so she could cry in a foam donut ring). Overall Amy had  a good time, but I was really struck by how much older Sarah was than Amy in this situation. I love it when Sarah stands out as the older of the two! I love it so fiercely! Somehow it is how things should be. When the class started, Sarah went in and sat on the line with the other kids just as the teacher had instructed. We didn't say anything! Sarah watched, listened, and attempted to do almost all of the physical warm-ups. My favorite moment was when they were supposed to sit with their knees bent and legs splayed out to either side like wings and then to touch their nose to their knees. Sarah brought her knee up close to her nose so touching it was not a problem! Sarah easily stood in line to do the various activities. She did the zip line! The first two times the instructor helped her, but not on her last turn. As Carl pointed out, this instructor is used to helping hundreds of kids on the zip line so she has a good sense of who needs help and who doesn't. On her third turn, Sarah didn't need help! She has abs and biceps of steel, keeping herself tightly coiled for the duration of her ride.

We made Sarah-friendly ice cream this week. We used an ice cream maker ball so the girls made ice cream by passing the ball back and forth. Awesome and delicious. This is the first "real" ice cream that Sarah has had in 18 months. I made it with coconut milk, mint tea leaves (I didn't have fresh mint and my extract had gone bad), honey, chocolate, and avocado. I am excited to try other recipes and I have empty cardboard pint cartons on the way.

Sarah and I had some fun SR sessions, pretending to eat ice cream by the bucket-full and singing Oscar-the-Grouch's song, "I love trash." We also had days where we did no SR together because when I suggested it I received a firm, "no!" and I didn't want to force it.

Happy Mother's Day to all the mom's reading this. I am grateful for all of the people who help me be the best mom I can be. I am grateful to my girls for making me a mom. I am grateful to my Mom for being deeply amazing, encouraging, and steadfastly supportive. In talking to her once, I said that "mom" is one of the best words in the English language. Indeed. (Although I don't always feel that way at 2am when it is being called out repeatedly by someone who wants socks or a tuck-in or just to make sure I am around). I am grateful for my wonderful additional moms (step and in-law). I am grateful to Sonia for being an additional mom to my girls. It is pretty awesome to essentially have a third parent for the girls on a daily basis.

May you have space for yourself and whatever feelings you have regarding your own mother and being a mother (whether you are or aren't).

May 4

This week we officially started all of the various supplements recommended by the naturopath. We will increase the amounts of some of them in the coming weeks,. Even as it is, it is a heck of a lot of stuff! Some supplements are chewable, some get mixed with food, and a couple are pills that Sarah has to swallow. The amazing thing is that Sarah can swallow pills! Easily!! I think I was 10 when I learned how. She actually takes everything easily. I just have to make sure I stagger things appropriately through the day. It is too early to tell if they are making a difference, though she is definitely having some skin reactions known as "die-off" from the bad bugs being killed by the probiotics. So this is good but makes her skin look a bit unhappy.

I met with a psychologist this week regarding my homeschooling intentions. We will need to have our program officially approved by a psychologist and I feel quite good about the woman I met on Wednesday. We found her through the same friend who referred us to our beloved team member G., so I felt good going into the meeting. Now to write a curriculum.

I have started calling my time with the girls "Mom-Sarah time" and "Mom-Amy time" and the time they spend with others also gets name pairings. This feels great. It helps me stay in touch with my purpose of being with Sarah in the SR room or outside, rather then getting to caught up in needing to reach our goals yesterday. It also helps me spend one on one time with Amy instead of trying to do everything on my to-do list.

There have been many tiny moments this week that felt notable...

Sarah asked for fresh avocado pudding and Carl didn't know how to make it. Sarah told him exactly what to do, including showing him where the food processor lives! She didn't know the amounts and the avocados weren't ripe so it very tart unripe avocado pudding, but she still ate it.

When Carl was with the girls yesterday and fell asleep on the sofa, he was awakened by Sarah leaning over his face and saying, "wake up."

When L. came for her SR session, I was saying something to L and Sarah shut the door on me so she could begin her time with L. I love how much Sarah adores her volunteers.

Thursday I didn't get much time with the girls since I was getting an MRI of my head just as a routine check regarding my cluster headaches. Given the long wait time to have the MRI, I wasn't at home much in the afternoon before going to work. I had 30 minutes to share between the girls. Sarah was in the SR room looking at loose pictures. I sat down with her. She got up and closed the door saying, "Mom and Sarah time." Then she went back to looking at loose pictures. I have heard so many instances of Son-Rise kiddos asking to play with a parent and going into their SR room and isming. This felt like my moment. Such wonderful proof that even when Sarah is seemingly exclusive, she is still glad to have me there doing the same thing she is. Before my 15 minutes were up Sarah had already moved into more connected play with me. 

Yesterday, when the girls were watching something and I was about to clean the kitchen, Sarah came in and said, "Mom, come sit with me" and took my hand to lead me to the couch. While Sarah is often connected and wanting my presence, this specific scenario hasn't yet occurred. It was awesome! Such a clear, clean moment.

Last week I mentioned Sarah's verbal isms of repeating "Oh no, the play be ruined!" She also likes the phrase, "Poor poor bucket head!" These reference different stories but are often said in conjunction with each other. I joined by saying the same things but with the word she was missing. The next day, she said each phrase more fully, with the missing words, "Oh no, the play will be ruined" and "Poor Prince bucket head!"

When we went for a walk Amy began her usual game of hiding behind trees. Sarah joined in. Both are in plain sight and totally adorable.  Amy is the most awesome, persistent inviter. She often tells Sarah to jump, stomp, clap, or sing with her. I couldn't possibly have designed a better person than Amy to help Sarah with her kid-interactions. 

On Friday I took Amy to her class field trip at the Aviary. When she was done with the field trip we went to the surrounding park and she ran around for an hour. Some of her running was across a bridge that is dear to my heart. It is the bridge where Carl and I had our picture taken right before our wedding at the Aviary nearly 12 years ago.

Yesterday we discovered that Sarah can work the top sliding lock on our front door! This was our back-up lock because she can unlock the regular lock. Our resourceful sneak brought the kitchen step-stool over to the front door to accomplish her feat, which was discovered when Carl tried to open the door and couldn't. The even sneakier bit is that Sarah didn't leave the stool right in front of the door. It was still in the entry way, with trails of old dust bunnies as evidence of her movements.

Last night I felt very despairing about my occasional grumpiness with the girls, my inability to eat healthily myself as often as I think I should, my decided lack of oomph sometimes as I face another kitchen to clean, more food to make, more clutter to organize, etc. The wonderful thing is that even with my lack of perfection, I am still running an effective, helpful Sarah-Rise program. I share my trouble spots in the hopes of helping other people know that they don't have to be perfect to still run a program or make a difference. I can feel like I am bumbling along, knowing on some level that I am actually still managing and doing a ton. I have times that I feel amazing and times that I don't. I have times that I think I am the best mom ever and times that I feel the opposite. And somehow, it is all ok and Sarah still loves me and grabs my hand to have me spend time with her, just as I will continue to reach for her hand regardless of how many times she screams about anything. What a beautiful thing persistent bumbling love is.