June 22

At the beginning of the week I thought I had an epiphany of understanding that all I had to do was keep prioritizing happiness and everything would work itself out. I had a couple of amazing, powerful, clear, present, loving days where I was impressed with how well I was interacting with the kids especially around their upsets. I acknowledged their feelings and listened and didn't feel any need to stop the upset. Then the underwear fight happened. On Wednesday night I made a deal with the kids that they could have ice cream if they agreed that after the treat they would get ready for bed quickly and easily. It doesn't work to make a deal with a three year old when I do my part of the bargain first. Sarah did pretty well with getting ready for bed with few prompts. Amy refused to put on underpants or do anything. I completely lost my composure, presence, and happiness. I yelled, screamed, stomped, and hit the wall. Then both kids were crying and I was still mad. I felt like I had been betrayed in the deal we made and for some reason I felt desperate for them to be in bed (perhaps because Carl was out of town and the sitter's car broke down so I didn't get to go to Zumba). 

I haven't lost it so largely in a long time. I felt confused in the moment as if this tide of emotions came out of nowhere. Within about ten minutes I regained my footing a bit and we had good cuddles and talked about being on the wrong ball and being borkupines (porkupines) which is a reference to a favorite book about when a mom is mad. So we ended well and lovingly, except I continued to beat myself up about it (and still do a bit). Going forward I think I need an emotional back-up kit to use as soon as a planned Jenny-time gets taken away. It often seems fine in the moment but I think I need to see it as a red flag to tread carefully and gently with myself and the girls, quickly planning some form of Jenny-something so I don't start to feel desperate and martyr-ish. I could also use the red-flag to help me remember my intention of how I want to be with the kids.

When they were in bed Wednesday night, I started cleaning the kitchen and doing some cooking and then I stepped in cat vomit. Carl was supposed to return on Thursday evening but his flight was cancelled. Luckily I was able to arrange for a sitter and I went to Zumba after work. This felt like a great plan and I might have been grumpy if I didn't have the opportunity, but I spent the Zumba class being a bit harsh with my body judgements. Then I went home and had salad with bacon and strawberries and a huge piece of chocolate cake. And then I couldn't sleep. So the first half of the week felt awesome and the second half felt rather miserable. 

I feel like I've been struggling a lot lately, feeling like things are hard, feeling overwhelmed especially regarding home schooling, feeling like I am not running a good Son-Rise Program, feeling like an ineffective team leader, etc. And then I feel bad because I am struggling and I think people will wonder why I am running this program if I am so miserable. The reason is I still think that even with my struggly, bumbling times, we still have lots of really good times and that just being at home a lot helps Sarah learn things in a more digestible, familiar environment than being in a different setting. We can do food and potty-time with relative ease. Days are long so even if I feel crappy about some portion of them, there are still lots of good parts. It is just that days have a lot of moments in them. Perhaps some upset comes from feeling like things shouldn't feel hard and that if I'm not happy and inspiring all of the time then Sarah won't progress and won't completely heal. Maybe there is some truth in that, but maybe not absolute truth, given that she seems to be progressing even when I'm not happy all the time.

I also keep comparing myself to other Son-Rise moms I know who seem to have it all figured out, being happy all the time and having happy kids who understand how to choose happiness. But I realize that I don't actually know very much about their days or emotions. I am just making it up that they have it all figured out. Or I compare myself to stay-at-home moms in general and I feel like a wuss that I have such trouble even when I have an abundance of help. However, I don't really know how those moms feel or how much or how little they struggle.

Friday and Saturday we had an outreach with M. This was super, amazingly, awesomely helpful. M. observed most of our team playing with Sarah and gave us feedback. She also played with Sarah while I observed. As with previous outreaches, I learned so much just from watching M. She kept going with play scenarios for much longer than I do, even when Sarah's only participation was watching. The next day I heard Sarah by herself, quoting M.'s play about being stuck in a tree. Sarah was totally drinking it all in. I expanded my understanding of how I can continue to build ideas within a game in all sorts of directions. I was reminded how much more effective I feel when I have an idea for play before I enter the room. 

For part of my play session with Sarah, I brought out several sheets of paper and had Sarah write some of her favorite sounds on them. The sounds are mostly from a different game I created so I knew she liked them, and I added a couple more. She wrote: la, ma, wa, yip, and gah. I spread them out on the floor and hopped on them, saying the sound as I hopped. I lost my balance and grabbed for Sarah to help me. I encouraged her to hop and she did with two feet. The paper stuck to her feet a bit. I held her and moved her legs so she could hop alternately on one foot. She giggled a lot with that. Then we switched to sitting and hitting the paper with our hands and saying the sounds. I kept reminding her to say the sounds and she did. I rearranged the papers sometimes and it started to seem like a great reading exercise. She was knowing which sound went with which paper. That felt awesome and fun. Then when her attention seemed to wane I packed up the pages and put them away. What I now understand is that I could have introduced the game again with new variations. For instance, I could have held one page and run around the room making the noise. I could have tossed the paper in the air. We could have worn the pages as hats. I could have written a song with only those sounds. We could have made more pages with new sounds. We could have made smaller papers with sounds and played a memory game. We could have written a story about the game we just played, drawing pictures of ourselves hopping on paper and making noise.

Friday in the early evening, I found Sarah in my bedroom holding the home phone. She said "want to call mom-mom by yourself." She meant she wanted to call by herself. I told her what buttons to push and then when the voice mail started I suggested what she could say. She easily and happily left her message, "Hi Mom-Mom. Hi Pop-Pop. I love you. This is Sarah. Bye." Sooooo sweet and cute!

Saturday at lunchtime Sarah spilled soup on her shirt and wanted to change it and then wanted a nap. I wanted her to wait until she was done eating so another shirt wouldn't get dirty. Things quickly went south, with much Sarah-screaming. At first I felt terrible that this was happening during our outreach but I think it was actually perfect. Perfect because I couldn't keep it together anymore and sat at the table with M. (Carl took the girls), crying about how hard everything has been feeling. I was raised with the knowledge of the healing, helpfulness of a good cry, but I haven't had one in a long time. It helped to let it out and be honest about how inept I was feeling. I felt daunted by the upcoming team meeting because I felt so uninspired and uninspiring. M. suggested that I be honest about it all and go from there. That is what I did and it was so great to remember how safe I am with my team and how wonderful they are. They are amazing with Sarah and they are amazing with me. They help me as much as they help Sarah. I still feel a bit guilty accepting the help but that is the part of me that still feels like pond scum. If I allow that when I am feeling like pond scum then maybe I'm not quite seeing myself or the world clearly, then I can let it be and accept the help gratefully.

I hope you are having good weekends and that you are surrounded by gentle, loving amazingness when you need it.

Regarding my last update and the chocolate zucchini bread, the recipe at http://paleomg.com/moist-chocolate-zucchini-bread/.

My variation for Sarah is to substitute 2 tbsp flax meal for the eggs (1 tbsp per egg) and to not squeeze out the liquid from the zucchini. I also use cashew butter instead of sunbutter so my recipe is not nut-free.