April 13

So many things in my life are the best thing ever. Being born to my parents was the best thing that could have happened to me. As was meeting E and G, my dear friends that I have had since I was 4. Meeting Carl was the best thing ever. Deciding to be a massage therapist and then discovering the Alexander Technique were the best things ever. Having Sarah just as she is was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. Having Amy just as she is was the best thing! Finding our current house was the best thing! Running a Son-Rise Program continues to be the best thing ever. Having Sonia join my efforts is the best thing! Having my generous aunt and uncle as benefactors for our program is the best thing! Discovering Zumba has been the best thing! My substantial community of family, friends, professionals, volunteers, and helpers has been the best thing! I am sooooo amazingly blessed and I love the idea that so many parts of my life can each have been the best thing ever. They can continue to be the best things ever. There are certainly challenging moments at least several times a day, but I also have so many moments where I am so deeply grateful for my amazing life that I think I will burst.

After my last update, my mom pointed out how miraculous it is that we now chuckle over Sarah sneaking food. This is a child who used to seemingly not want to eat. Many people use food as a reward for other things. I used to use other things as a reward for eating. I would sing songs and be silly to get any bite in her mouth. I would walk or drive around and around and around. That was a handful of years ago, but at the time it was so real that I could only dream of a time when we would look back at laugh. How amazing that we are at that time. I still have ambitions for increasing the ease with which Sarah consumes a balanced diet, but those are ambitions of how fun and creative I can be and aren't born of a desperate fear about keeping my daughter alive. How wonderful!

I have continued to read Raun's book (Autism Breakthrough by Raun K. Kaufman) and it is sooooo good. It is so good to be reminded of all the fine details about Son-Rise and that attitude of love, acceptance, creativity, and hope. I love the reminder that it is not about changing behaviors; it is about helping Sarah want to connect more and more fully with people and that any behavioral changes come from a desire to connect. Raun posted an online reminder of the difference between celebration and praise that is a helpful reminder for me:

"Praise = the use of an approving statement as a 'reinforcer' to get a child on the autism spectrum to do what you want.

Celebration = the outward expression of a genuine feeling of delight and gratitude for what your child just did."

I love this. I think almost all of what Raun writes about how to relate to children on the autism spectrum can be applied to relating to all kids, maybe all people, and all challenges.

This weekend my mom and step-father were visiting. We had a lovely time. When we went for walks, the girls almost always refused to hold my hand and insisted upon holding the hand of Mom-Mom or Pop-Pop. Amy and Mom-Mom went fishing in the back yard many times at Amy's suggestion, using sticks as fishing poles. Pop-Pop brought and assembled a Thomas the Tank Engine electronic racing toy. I feel proud of the collective clear thinking and team work on how to interact around and through an electronic toy that Sarah adores. Mom-Mom and Pop-Pop introduced the idea of the trains needing to rest and that Sarah could count to a certain number while waiting. We elaborated into singing songs. At one point I said the trains needed a lullaby. Thank goodness for my delay in starting singing. Sarah started singing "go to sleep my little Sarah..." which is a song Carl used to sing to her when she was veeeeery little. He also sang it to Amy some when she was a baby. But I think it has been at least a year if not two or more since Sarah heard that song. Other train interruptions included needing to give the trains pretend drinks of water and Station Master Wellington needing to write numbers on a train schedule. When it was dinner we had to make our way to the dining car, wobbling some along the way and nearly losing our balance! A hilarious moment occurred after dinner last night because the drone of the train motor was solidly going and then Carl called to Sarah that dessert was ready. The motor stopped instantly. 

Yesterday we went to the spring carnival run by CMU students. Amy really wanted to go on a spinning dinosaur ride (akin to spinning tea-cup rides), until it started and then she wanted to get off. She made it through though. Then she wanted to go down a very big slide that was so big I made Carl be the one to take her. She was rather scared and shocked at the end, but she made it. Sarah loved riding the tractor ride and the ferris wheel, doing each twice. Part of the carnival involves thematic booths made by students. Amy's favorite replicated the play area at a St. Jude's hospital. It was filled with dolls and small toys. Amy and I went there 3 times and spent many minutes hanging out. Whoever thought to create a home away from home for small kids at a carnival was a genius.

On the drive home from the carnival, Carl discovered that Sarah can open the bottom buckle of the carseat that is in his car. She can also almost unlock our back screen door lock, which has been my back-up because she can open the regular door lock so easily. And she can open and close the new bubble bottle easily. Each step of independence is so awesome and it keeps us on our toes.

Apparently, Sarah can play a regular game of Candyland! I had no idea. Whenever I have tried it has felt like I was forcing something, but Sonia informed me that she and Sarah have played a few rounds of the game. 

As you know, one of my struggles is in how I respond to yelling, screaming children. This past week I have felt a true internal shift in how at ease I can remain lots of the time. Not 100% but it is notably different, at least on the inside. The thought that actually seems most helpful for me when Sarah starts screaming is that I will not negotiate with terrorists. I know, perhaps it is an extreme and ridiculous thought. But what it does is remind me to just wait and that there is no point in trying to speak or reason through the screaming. And it helps me not take it personally so the calm waiting can be more true calm instead of my trying to seem calm but not really feeling that way.

I hope you all are having lovely weekends and that something is the best ever.

April 6

Sarah has been out riding her new bike and she loves it! At first she had some trouble with the pedals but that is coming along beautifully. I am grateful for training wheels so it is easy for her to go at her own pace with pedaling and pausing. Accompanying her, I often feel teary, remembering the days when I despaired of her ever learning to crawl. 

We had one moment when Amy and Sarah and I were all singing a song. Together! At the exact same time! Three voices singing verses from Pete the Cat: The Wheels on the Bus. This was a first and we sounded fabulous! 

Sarah was a sneaky sneak yesterday when it came to food. I made almond flour crackers for the first time and put them in a container on the counter after giving the girls a few to sample. Carl and I were then talking about the plan for the day and we realized it was awfully quiet. We found Sarah upstairs in the Sarah-Rise room with the container of crackers, happily munching away. Later in the day when I was out, Carl was getting Amy ready and then wondered where Sarah was. She was sitting at the dining room table, having helped herself to a gigantic piece of chocolate bread (the last 1/3 of a mini-loaf). I realize that now I need to put non-refrigerated food up much higher or in cabinets. I do love her sneaky self-sufficiency.

I had some wonderful times in the SR room, but I want to share some beautiful experiences from a few team members.

From G...

"Such a cool day. I tossed Sarah's water bottle/cup to her and it spun around and spilled a bit. She found this hilarious. She then took the silliness to the next level...pretending to drink from her eyes, her ears, her nose, etc. She would make the motion, look at me for a reaction, then share in the laughter when I reacted. She was, in essence, taking the role of a stand-up comic...and succeeding in both being funny and really connecting with me to make sure her "set" was hooked-in to my mood."

From Michelle...

"We were doing numbers, and I saw she was doing them a lot better than I had previously seen so I praised her a lot. She did a 9, looked at me, and goes, "how is this 9?" and I told her it was good, and she looked at me with the most genuine face and goes "it's beautiful!" It made me melt....She was buttoning/unbuttoning her shirt. I took out the practice buttons and was doing them. She was getting frustrated, but then took the practice buttons, and after a few went back to her shirt and was able to do it. Each time she got stuck she went back to the other bigger buttons to practice."

From Carl...

"Today we did a "project" with the SnapCircuit electronics kit. Sarah seemed much more engaged with it than last time and two things stood out. 1. When building, we would count together the number of bumps to see what size wire was needed and then Sarah would find the wire piece of that size and put it in place by herself.

2. When we had a working circuit, I would talk about how the electricity moved through the loop and then I would remove a wire. Sarah would then try pressing her button and it wouldn't work. It was broken! Oh no! Then I would help Sarah fix it and she got very excited that it worked again. I felt like she was starting to "get" electricity and circuits a little bit."

Raun Kaufman, the son for whom the Son-Rise Program was developed, has written a book, Autism Breakthrough. I have just started reading it and I love it already. What I especially appreciate is his comment about false hope, "I continue to be befuddled as to what they think hope will do that is so harmful to our children. Who decided that a life sentence was better than an open heart and an outstretched hand? The bottom line is this: hope leads to action. Without action, none of our children can be helped. I hear people complaining about false hope, but I never hear anyone worrying about false pessimism. There is broad agreement that we don't want anyone promising a particular outcome for a particular child ahead of time. Why, then, do we abide people making promises about what a child will never do?" I think this point can apply about hope v. pessimism in any situation. I feel quite blessed that no one aside from my own fear has ever been pessimistic about Sarah's possibilities.

March 30

Last weekend we transitioned the girls to sleeping in their own beds all night long. We had already transitioned to them going to sleep without us sitting with them and that went much more easily than we expected. For the Great Bed Transition of 2014 we purchased a new twin mattress to match the one we already had, Minnie Mouse sheets, Hello Kitty sheets and comforters, and large Hello Kitty stuffed animals. The girls were jumpingly gleeful upon seeing their new beds. They were not so thrilled about what the new beds meant and the first night involved many relocations of both girls. Night 2 involved basically no relocations, just many times of them calling out for us. Since then each night has gotten better with very few relocations and very little calling out. I think all of us are sleeping better. I am once again amazed at how easily it went. With each transition we talked to them about it in positive terms, about going to bed on their own with no grown ups allowed, and about sleeping in their bed all night with no grown ups allowed. We also were fully committed to each transition, knowing that if we weren't committed then we would have nothing,

Sarah has been practicing her buttoning and unbuttoning skills on an overshirt of mine that used to belong to Granddad. She has gotten so good that I thought it was time to get some button-down shirts in her size. She is very excited about the shirts but not so thrilled that I won't do the repetitive buttoning and unbuttoning for her. 

We sang Pete the Cat's version of "The Wheels on the Bus" together! She sang with Carl too. So far it has mainly been the alphabet in chorus so this was super exciting to sing a longer song with bigger words. I follow her lead and chime in a nano-second after she has started, but we really had some times of truly fully singing together, while looking joyfully at each other! True delight is so powerful, whether whooped loudly or silently shining out from the eyes. 

Sarah can put almost all of the cubes in the tray for the Don't Break the Ice game. For each row it is a little challenging to get the last cube in because you have to create a little extra space by holding the frame and other cubes out of the way a tiny bit. In the past she couldn't do it at all. On Friday I was playing with both girls and while I was involved with Amy, Sarah went ahead and filled a few rows! She can't do the very last one yet, but it is only a matter of time. The girls have also played several rounds of the game, taking turns hitting the cubes with a mallet. I definitely have to monitor the turns because otherwise each would just hit incessantly until all the cubes fall. Still! I love that it is almost not news anymore that the girls play games together. 

Friday night we had what felt like a quintessential family walk around the neighborhood. Amy and I held hands while walking down a brick alleyway while Sarah peddled her tricycle and Carl strolled behind Sarah. Then we went home and had homemade lasagne (with rice noodles and cheddar). It had been a while since I last saw Sarah on her trike and I was amazed at her skill with peddling. Yesterday Carl took the girls to buy new bike helmets and got Sarah a new bike. A real bike! Pink. With training wheels. She hasn't gotten to ride it outside yet because yesterday was too rainy, but she is eager to get going. Amy will try out the glider bike we have or can upgrade to the trike that Sarah had been using, which is a bit bigger than the one Amy usually rides. Amy doesn't yet get the peddling so the glider may be just the thing. 

Sarah got to eat her first real hot dog in over a year! I found some at our local co-op that meet all of our ingredient requirements. No bad reaction. YAY!!! 

I had a wonderful dialogue with M., exploring why I get so mad at the girls sometimes when they don't do what I say. I had hoped that I would uncover some belief and then *poof* I would never get mad or yell again. Not quite. The thing I love about having M.'s assistance is that she asks questions about things that I don't even notice when I'm talking about my life. I say lots of things about a situation and then expect she will ask about the last thing I said but sometimes she asks about the first thing I said and it is like finding a new window in a house where I thought there was just a wall. The upshot of the dialogue is that it is actually ok if I yell. And that I can notice what function my yelling serves and that can help me think of new ways to get what I want maybe without the yelling. It is much more freeing to tell myself it is ok to yell and I think it has perhaps resulted in slightly less yelling and less internal tightness. 

Beds, buttons, bus wheels, bikes, and love to you all.

March 23

Grammy and Granddad are visiting and we are all having a wonderful time. Sarah's favorite thing to do is sit on Granddad's lap buttoning and unbuttoning his shirt. She also worked on his shoe laces a bit. 

Last weekend we took the girls to a bookstore to use gift cards they had received for Christmas. This was their first trip to a store with their own money. As with so many outings, it was really great to have two adults because the girls had very different shopping styles and desires. Sarah bought two Olivia books that were inexpensive. Amy bought a Dora book, a doll sticker book, a Hello Kitty stuffed animal, and a Clifford stuffed animal, maxing out her gift card. It was really great to experience this first shopping trip with them, helping Amy make choices about what things to put back based on her funds, and allowing her freedom to buy whatever she wanted even if it wasn't my first choice.

Sunday night I came home from Zumba in time to overhear Sarah saying, "I love you, Amy" at bedtime!!!!!! I think that was a first. It hasn't happened again, but everything has to happen once before it can happen a second time, so this feels hugely adorably exciting.

Tuesday was my shared birthday with Amy and I had a marvelous day. I used to get caught up in keeping track of who remembered and measuring how good a birthday it was accordingly. In the past few years I have taken much more ownership over having a good day regardless of what others do and my experience is so much fuller. I had a delicious breakfast with one of my dear friends, then a pizza lunch out with Amy, and then dinner with Carl at one of my favorite restaurants. And there was lots of love from other people to top it all off. What a wonderful day!

I had a wonderful time with Sarah in the SR room. I didn't get very much official time this week but what time I did have was lovely. It was a good reminder about how important the room is for my experience, helping me let go of external responsibilities and just enjoy our time together. When I'm really present I feel like there is a magic quietness to the air in the SR room.

Recently, on multiple occasions, I have found Sarah on her own in the SR room, playing games that she recently played with volunteers. A new favorite game is making milkshakes and ice cream in our trash can (it looks like a hippo). She also enjoys lying on the floor and moving the Mr. Potato Head tent, that is very light weight, over her head while saying, "up, down, left, right." 

As I write, I am hearing lots of yelling from Sarah. There are daily periods of loud yelling, which is nothing new. They are often short but they are still loud. Wednesday night was bath night and hair-washing night. And yelling night. Sarah yelled a ton every time I would approach with the shampoo. I tried several times to find out if there was something specific that she didn't like so maybe I could change it. I did my best to stay calm and then I totally lost that and yelled even more loudly than Sarah, while quickly washing her hair. Then we all snuggled together and both girls seemed quite sparkly and unphased by my yelling. Hmm. I'm glad they seemed unphased. I'm glad I only did a short bit of yelling. I'm glad I got Sarah's hair clean. I would like to not yell. I would like to find a way to get Sarah's hair clean without her yelling. She hasn't always minded. I'm not sure whether to go really Son-Risey and not force the issue at all or whether I should do it more often so she would get used to the sensory experience, except that I have to be careful how many baths she has so her skin doesn't get too dry and itchy. 

Our field trip this week was to the History Center. It was awesome. There were very few people and there are lots of things for hands-on exploring, not to mention an old trolley car that you can sit in and a pretend ice cream shop. I think both girls could easily spend more time there. And, again, it was good to have two adults because the girls often wanted to do different things.

I wish you all easy ownership over having your own wonderful day, if that is what you would like to have.

March 16

The challenges of this week included having a bad cold for a couple days after my vacation. Luckily, with the help of one of my sitters, some of my volunteers, and Carl, I was able to get the rest (and groceries) I needed so I only had one day of feeling really yucky. Sonia was out of town for the week, and a handful of volunteers couldn't do their times for various reasons. On the plus side, on Wednesday night when Carl skipped rowing and I was in bed by 7:45pm, I had nothing to do but lie in bed, feel yucky, and listen to what a beautiful parent Carl is. So wonderful. The week's situation also gave the girls and I more time together so new things happened that might not have happened otherwise. 

We went to a playground. This is not such a novel idea but I very rarely do such an outing without another adult to help. I chose a playground with good sight lines so I could easily have both girls in view. What I didn't count on was the sight line to the distant busway and Sarah deciding to start heading across the open field at a good clip, not heeding my petitions for her to stop. I ran and caught her, leaving Amy in a swing with another parent nearby. I didn't know the other parent, but I didn't have much choice since I had to get to Sarah. Leaving the playground was also challenging because Amy didn't want to leave and started running back to the playground as I was getting Sarah in the car, so then I had to chase Amy. I was glad to have ventured out but also glad to get everyone safely home. I did some dialoguing with M., and could do some more on my own, about my fears about various things. I think I believe that my fear keeps me vigilant and keeps the girls safe. I would like to be less fearful while still being vigilant, but at the moment they are still linked. Seeing it gives me a smidge more wiggle room.

The girls played Connect 4 five times in a row.  I helped with making sure they took turns and with showing them when someone won. I don't think they yet have an understanding of the purpose of the game but they like putting the pieces in the frame and Amy likes winning. Sarah didn't seem to mind whether or not she won, but Amy got a bit upset when Sarah won. We also assembled some puzzles together and played Ants in the Pants together. I love that this is becoming our new normal, that playing short games with some semblance of the real way to play them is not just a dream.

Thursday night at dinner I described to Carl some of what Sarah did at preschool (she was the Weather Bear and she made a Shape-osaurus at the craft table). Carl asked Sarah was shapes she glued on the paper for the Shape-osaurus. We all paused. I almost didn't expect Sarah to answer. Then up piped Sarah's clear voice, "triangle.... circle." I love noticing that I am underestimating what Sarah can do. I love that Carl asked her the question.

Sarah made up a song about a sad Amy. The lyrics are, "I am a sad Amy. I am a sad Amy." 

Sarah has been singing a lot on her own, mostly the alphabet and sometimes Twinkle, Twinkle. She is getting much more fluid with her singing. Usually Amy tells Sarah to stop singing and then I say that I like Sarah's singing. There was one crazy moment when Sarah paused in her singing and Amy said, "Keep hinging, Harah. I hink it is beautiful." 

Amy's language is getting clearer and clearer. She is getting "f" and "sh" and sometimes "s." If we draw attention to the fact that she just said "off" instead of "aw" then she will shut down and say "no." It feels like we are courting a wild animal. Just don't look her language in the eye and it will continue to come along.

Some of Amy's play is the same way. If she is playing on her own and we comment on what she is doing/saying/singing then often she will cry for several minutes. Best to keep our traps shut! It is amazing to me how different my girls are from each other in some ways. Thank goodness Sarah was the one to need help with language and that she is the one to like practicing and getting that help.

Sarah now opens our back door regularly and goes outside. Since we have an enclosed backyard this is safe but I still want her to ask first and I don't want her out there when it is muddy or when she isn't dressed for the temperature. I don't want her to play with the door. During one of our altercations about the door, Sarah looked at me and said, "why?"....... I think time slowed down for a moment and I sat on my mental butt. She has never asked me that. Usually her questions are "can I wear the...?" or "can I have the...?" and are in response to my prompting her to ask. Woohooo!

Yesterday we had Amy's birthday party. She shares her actual birthday with me this coming Tuesday. The party went very well and we all had a good time. I struggled a bit during the earlier part of the day, perhaps because I was worried about getting everything ready, or perhaps because that gave me less internal space to deal with the daily quota of whining, yelling, and resisting various things. This morning I hit that road block again. I think I resort to anger to feel more powerful or in control in a situation in which I feel powerless or like it will never end. With home ownership there are those moments where I really don't want to deal with something but I know I have to. It is the same with parenting. There are things that I really just want to be done with and wish that I didn't have to handle. Maybe I up my grumps when Carl is around as a weird way of getting him to take over, like a kid crying over a fall only if someone saw it. (shh, don't tell Carl!) Good thing that I love my girls so much and that they have so many times of being so deliciously adorable I think I will implode with love. 

Sometimes Amy likes to sleep with her hands cradling my face. Is there anything sweeter?!

Sometimes, when I ask Sarah to take a drink of water, she takes a fake sip or a very tiny sip. At one point I asked her if she had really taken a sip and she responded with a satisfied, "aaahh!" I love my cheeky sneak!

May you all have a wonderful moment today that fills you with such awe that you sit on your mental butt for a moment.

March 10

I am writing from the Billings, MT airport after having a wonderful, restorative vacation visiting one of my dearest friends, whom I have known since I was 4. We are approaching 33 years of friendship! I have been friends with her younger sister for the same amount of time. I am so blessed to have had such steadfast friends, who will continue to be my best friends for our whole lives.

Getting Sarah to get dressed in the morning or do any number of other activities has become easier lately thanks to Wonderful! She loves saying the word and she loves it when we say it. I started looking at her with an expectant gleam in my eye in the morning and asking if she knew what would be wonderful. She then whipped off a sock and she and I cheered, "Wonderful!" This idea is repeated for removing each item of clothing, putting on each new item of clothing, potty use, brushing teeth, and brushing hair! So much of the struggle is gone, replaced by exuberance. Wonderful!!!!

I have also expanded my gentleness and compassion. Sonia helped me notice that I had an easier time when Amy was upset than when Sarah was upset. I think now I am responding more similarly and with more softness in my own heart. I think this is helping us reach ease more quickly. There is easier compliance with my requests and then we celebrate together. Wonderful!

Alexander Technique lessons and reading often help me think more clearly about how I want to parent. With AT, an open hand is more effective than one that is not fully open. When I am open to my children and any given situation then I am more effective than when I am partially closed with resistance.

I took Sarah to see a naturopath that a friend had recommended. I liked this doctor very much and I feel hopeful about having someone local to see things about Sarah that traditional doctors haven't seen. She has longitudinal lines in her finger nails and some dark shading under her eyes and her skin is drier than it should be even in winter. I have a bag of tests to do when I am back. We will then wait a few weeks for the results, but hopefully this will give us more info about what Sarah might need to help her thrive more fully.

I have been thinking about Sarah's isms, especially the conversational isms where she likes to talk about the same things repeatedly. I want to let things be new. Even if it is seemingly a repetition, what if I could listen and respond as freshly as if it was new?

Our field trip was to a friend's house while my friend was on vacation and Sonia was dog and house sitting. My friend has an awesome play room! Sarah and Amy loved it, I am inspired to look into possible new play equipment, and we all got practice being around a sweet, energetic dog. Being around dogs has never been my strong point. Hopefully with Sonia's coaching, my girls will be more comfortable around dogs than I am.

While we were at the naturopath's office, Sarah tried to get a book out of the bag I had brought. The book was stuck and I heard her murmur to herself, "oh coffee." Later in the week, Sarah dropped a cashew on the step stool and murmured, "oh man." I love these genuine phrases that come out at such appropriate times.

I hope you all had wonderful weekends!

March 2

In an attempt to help the morning routine be speedier, I made lists for the girls akin to Toad's list in a Frog and Toad story. I'm not sure it helped with speed, but Sarah did enjoy crossing off her list.

On Tuesday, Sarah was the calendar helper at preschool and she rocked it!

Tuesday afternoon I did a short SR session and I wasn't feeling very good about myself going into it. I was much less present and motivated than usual and it was the first time in ages that Sarah asked to be done early during a session with me. Lesson learned! 

Wednesday, Sarah and I spent almost the entire school day (9-3) at the Life Skills class in our local public school. This is a class just for kids with special needs. I am so glad we visited. It gave me a lot more information about how Sarah could/would function in that setting. I think Sarah liked some parts of it but was overwhelmed by others. Her ears were red for the whole visit. Red ears can be a sign of stress. This might have been because the building was too warm or because of the new situation or so much going on in various settings. She also ismed a ton on the auditorium chairs and classroom chairs. Isming can be a sign of overwhelm. She did amazingly well with the matching and writing practice tasks and she also did pretty well with attending to circle time and answering direct questions. If we had no other options then this would be a really good place for her to be. The teachers were thoughtful and caring. However, we do have other options and I think for now Sarah would really benefit from continuing to be primarily at home. 

The plan for the next school year is that she will attend her current preschool 3 mornings a week and the rest of the time will be a combination of homeschooling and Sarah-Rise. I think her current preschool will help her continue to strengthen her muscles regarding being attentive and participating in groups of children and in a school setting in general. I think it will help that it is a familiar place. The teachers have been so lovely and welcoming the whole time that I feel really good about her spending more time with them.

Wednesday afternoon I felt more at peace than I had in a while because of knowing the plan for next year. That lasted a couple of hours and then I started freaking out about the details of home schooling. Yesterday I went for a walk by myself and I was able to start delving into why I am so deeply panicked. I think I am worried about failing, worried that I can't actually do this and will fail Sarah. It helped to notice this and that the even deeper fear is that I will die if I fail. To help deal with the fears I will continue to look at them and I will also continue to get more information. I always like things to have been taken care of yesterday and I don't relish figuring out the necessary paperwork. To homeschool a typical child you just have to file an affidavit saying what you are doing and then submit some proof of attendance and work at the end of the year. With a child with special needs you have to have a certified person say that your program adequately meets those special needs. Needing to get approval feels scary. 

It has helped to briefly review my own unofficial resume with respect to Sarah and what we have achieved so far. I even remembered that I am, in fact, certified to teach in PA. Sure, it is for secondary school and was from 1999 and doesn't address special needs, but it is a certification in the field of education.

I have almost always gotten very scared about failing in school situations so this is just the ultimate assignment. On one level I totally know I can do this and can rock it, especially with Sonia and Carl and our amazing team. And on another level there is the panic. For now those will just sort of coexist as I move forward and try not to freeze with fear.

I am aiming at giving myself more time to be really still. Usually when I decide to do this then I realize that first I must sharpen all my pencils! and clean everything! and do anything else! But when I have been still then I find a lovely calmness and I think that will ultimately help me connect more effectively with Sarah. I can do a lot of noisy running around and thinking we must do more, more, more. Maybe less is more. To help Sarah with language I cut down my own language use to make space for her language. Maybe to help her succeed more in any other way I first need to give her space. When I feel pressure from someone else to do something then I often dig my heels in and don't want to do whatever it is precisely because of the pressure. Perhaps Sarah feels pressure from me to be normal, typical, smarter, faster, less screamy, more cooperative, etc. And what would happen if I could just stop pressuring her? The pressure isn't necessarily blatant, but if I feel it inside me then I'm sure on some level she feels it and is perhaps digging in her heels. So, here's to stillness and doing less, while being present and offering opportunities. (While needing to do more, more, more, faster, faster, faster to succeed at homeschooling yesterday already!)

My mom, Carl, and Sonia have all been extra helpful this week in thinking about our plan for Sarah and also not letting me get lost in my panic spirals. Thank goodness.

Sarah had some amazing moments on Thursday. When Sonia arrived, Sarah looked at her and said, "I want to spend the day with you."  Later, when Sarah asked me if she could wear her Hello Kitty boots to school, I said that was up to Sonia. Sarah immediately said, "Sonia, can I wear the Hello Kitty boots?"