March 2

In an attempt to help the morning routine be speedier, I made lists for the girls akin to Toad's list in a Frog and Toad story. I'm not sure it helped with speed, but Sarah did enjoy crossing off her list.

On Tuesday, Sarah was the calendar helper at preschool and she rocked it!

Tuesday afternoon I did a short SR session and I wasn't feeling very good about myself going into it. I was much less present and motivated than usual and it was the first time in ages that Sarah asked to be done early during a session with me. Lesson learned! 

Wednesday, Sarah and I spent almost the entire school day (9-3) at the Life Skills class in our local public school. This is a class just for kids with special needs. I am so glad we visited. It gave me a lot more information about how Sarah could/would function in that setting. I think Sarah liked some parts of it but was overwhelmed by others. Her ears were red for the whole visit. Red ears can be a sign of stress. This might have been because the building was too warm or because of the new situation or so much going on in various settings. She also ismed a ton on the auditorium chairs and classroom chairs. Isming can be a sign of overwhelm. She did amazingly well with the matching and writing practice tasks and she also did pretty well with attending to circle time and answering direct questions. If we had no other options then this would be a really good place for her to be. The teachers were thoughtful and caring. However, we do have other options and I think for now Sarah would really benefit from continuing to be primarily at home. 

The plan for the next school year is that she will attend her current preschool 3 mornings a week and the rest of the time will be a combination of homeschooling and Sarah-Rise. I think her current preschool will help her continue to strengthen her muscles regarding being attentive and participating in groups of children and in a school setting in general. I think it will help that it is a familiar place. The teachers have been so lovely and welcoming the whole time that I feel really good about her spending more time with them.

Wednesday afternoon I felt more at peace than I had in a while because of knowing the plan for next year. That lasted a couple of hours and then I started freaking out about the details of home schooling. Yesterday I went for a walk by myself and I was able to start delving into why I am so deeply panicked. I think I am worried about failing, worried that I can't actually do this and will fail Sarah. It helped to notice this and that the even deeper fear is that I will die if I fail. To help deal with the fears I will continue to look at them and I will also continue to get more information. I always like things to have been taken care of yesterday and I don't relish figuring out the necessary paperwork. To homeschool a typical child you just have to file an affidavit saying what you are doing and then submit some proof of attendance and work at the end of the year. With a child with special needs you have to have a certified person say that your program adequately meets those special needs. Needing to get approval feels scary. 

It has helped to briefly review my own unofficial resume with respect to Sarah and what we have achieved so far. I even remembered that I am, in fact, certified to teach in PA. Sure, it is for secondary school and was from 1999 and doesn't address special needs, but it is a certification in the field of education.

I have almost always gotten very scared about failing in school situations so this is just the ultimate assignment. On one level I totally know I can do this and can rock it, especially with Sonia and Carl and our amazing team. And on another level there is the panic. For now those will just sort of coexist as I move forward and try not to freeze with fear.

I am aiming at giving myself more time to be really still. Usually when I decide to do this then I realize that first I must sharpen all my pencils! and clean everything! and do anything else! But when I have been still then I find a lovely calmness and I think that will ultimately help me connect more effectively with Sarah. I can do a lot of noisy running around and thinking we must do more, more, more. Maybe less is more. To help Sarah with language I cut down my own language use to make space for her language. Maybe to help her succeed more in any other way I first need to give her space. When I feel pressure from someone else to do something then I often dig my heels in and don't want to do whatever it is precisely because of the pressure. Perhaps Sarah feels pressure from me to be normal, typical, smarter, faster, less screamy, more cooperative, etc. And what would happen if I could just stop pressuring her? The pressure isn't necessarily blatant, but if I feel it inside me then I'm sure on some level she feels it and is perhaps digging in her heels. So, here's to stillness and doing less, while being present and offering opportunities. (While needing to do more, more, more, faster, faster, faster to succeed at homeschooling yesterday already!)

My mom, Carl, and Sonia have all been extra helpful this week in thinking about our plan for Sarah and also not letting me get lost in my panic spirals. Thank goodness.

Sarah had some amazing moments on Thursday. When Sonia arrived, Sarah looked at her and said, "I want to spend the day with you."  Later, when Sarah asked me if she could wear her Hello Kitty boots to school, I said that was up to Sonia. Sarah immediately said, "Sonia, can I wear the Hello Kitty boots?"