This is a busy time of year for Sarah (and me as her chauffeur). She has rehearsals nearly every week day for her school musical, except on Mondays when I have her skip is so she can have her piano lesson. A week from today she has her piano recital and then May 12 and 13 she has performances of High School Musical, Jr. If you live in Pittsburgh and want to attend the musical, let me know and I can give you more details. Her year as an 8th grader is winding down with her graduation mass on June 2 and her last day of school on June 6, with dismissal at 10am. For some reason I never remember year to year that her last day has such an early dismissal that it almost doesn’t seem like a school day at all. But it does allow students to say goodbye to their teachers and bring home their things without any other school activities happening. Although I’m excited about her moving to 10th grade next year at a new school and with a known group of friends, I am also sad about this chapter of things ending. She has been at her current school for 6 years and her two main support teachers have been so thoughtful and creative on her behalf. I am always moved to tears when I think about how her current teacher attends every rehearsal with Sarah so that she and the other kids from her resource room can participate in the musical. She really helps Sarah navigate everything and we notice that Sarah has a harder time when this teacher isn’t in school. So my fingers are crossed that next year’s teacher will be equally wonderful.
Amy continues to grow taller and sometimes I swear she grows an inch overnight. Unfortunately this sometimes leads to more injuries as she operates her longer limbs. When I hurried her to come downstairs because she needed to leave for the bus Friday morning, that resulted in her falling down the last several stairs. I didn’t see it so I don’t know what happened and she wasn’t sure either. I think she has slipped on the stairs at least 3 times over the past year and her toes routinely get stubbed as she moves around our house. I won’t be surprised if she ends up being taller than I am.
I do think I’m standing taller sometimes though, thanks to the work I’ve been doing with my myofascial restructuring practitioner. One morning when I arrived at my office I thought someone must have lowered my table. No one had, but I felt taller in relation to it. My leg continues to feel more and more normal and I have been able to go on longer walks more comfortably than I have been in a while.
Sarah and I have been having an equal mix of snuggly connected times and struggly fighting times. I know there must be more things I can clear out within myself so I am less reactive when she resists what I think is a reasonable request, but I also just feel so mad in general that she can’t do some things easily the first time I ask. Yesterday the girls had bang trims scheduled. They knew this. We had been talking about the plan for the day. But I forgot to account for how Sarah always will ask for a nap right when I say it is time to leave for something. So I should have told her 30 minutes before we needed to leave so that I could have said yes about a nap. Instead, I heard her happily playing and assumed all would go smoothly when I said it was time to go. It did not. She whined loudly in protest about not wanting to change to regular clothes and about wanting to nap. I angrily said that I would be leaving in ten minutes and she could come or not but she had to be dressed. Then she yelled that she wanted to go. This exchange had many more loops than those that I wrote, but all of the same feel with louder expressions from both of us. She did in fact get dressed and we left on time and got bang trims. But why couldn’t she just have done her part easily the first time I asked?!
There were other times yesterday when I felt trapped by her requests, made in a whining and stubborn tone, knowing that if I said no then I might lose the whole plan altogether, but also knowing that I needed to be consistent with some rules (eg. Wearing clothes rather than pajamas when out in the world). When these requests came I said that I felt trapped and that I wasn’t going to answer. We were in a store and I wanted to leave peacefully without getting into a huge row there. When we actually arrived at our next event, which was a graduation party for a past Sarah-Rise volunteer, Sarah was easily amenable to staying in her clothes as long as she could carry her new pajamas in a bag and keep them with her the whole time. She carried the bag with her as she played on the swings and slide and as she and Amy picked bouquets of dandelions. They each spread hundreds of wishes in the air.
Lately when Sarah gives me chin presses (pressing her chin onto my head) she often opens her mouth and tries to put her teeth on my head. That’s not what I want and we have established this many times over. In fact, the first rule in this household is “No Saliva On Mom.” Carl and I were laughing together about how I could cross-stitch this and hang it in our entryway. When people come in and are taking off their shoes we could point to it and say, “I know this may not be how it is in your house, but in this house…"
It’s tricky when I feel like I’m in a mode of surviving interactions with Sarah rather than enjoying them. I’ve been feeling this way often for the past few weeks, so this week I did make more of a concerted effort to be present with enjoying our easy conversations and moments. Last night after she was in bed she called out for me. I went in.
S: What are you doing?
J: Watching a show.
S: What are you watching?
J: The Great British Baking Show
S: With Amy?
J: Yes
S: Have fun watching the Great British Baking Show with Amy
!!!! That was so many loops of clear, easy conversation! And that was after Sarah had been sleeping for a bit. My heart felt nicely warmed.
Regarding my book submission… I did hear back that I passed the first hurdle that is basically: Maybe vs No. I was designated as a Maybe and that means they will take a more thorough look at my materials and get back to me in three or four weeks with either Yes or Yes but do things or No. So fingers still crossed, but I’m delighted to at least have crossed the first hurdle. Maybe I should have made some dandelion wishes myself!
Lots of love to all of you.
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