Last Sunday Amy and I returned from feeding a friend’s cats a mere two minutes before a massive rain storm hit. We were blissfully unaware as we walked home, knowing there was some thunder rumbling and some early drops falling, but not knowing torrential rain and hail was imminent. As soon as it did pour, the girls ran outside to enjoy it. Amy was quickly drenched and cold, coming inside to get warm. When the hail started I had Sarah come inside even though she had been under cover. Many people lost power or had trees come down. Luckily we only had some dirt get cleared forcefully from the gutters and a few small branches fell.
I have been appreciating Sarah’s comedic timing and ability. Last weekend when Sarah came on the cat-feeding mission, we passed a dog that was barking. Then we passed another dog barking. Sarah responded with a calm deadpan, “woof.” It was truly hilarious and perfect. She also likes to come downstairs after bedtime if Carl is watching basketball. She backs up towards his lap and parks herself with full entitlement. It is adorable.
Sarah had some moments of extra intense big feelings, perhaps heightened because of her period. The moments of upset usually had to do with Amy going into the upstairs bathroom and closing the door. Suddenly Sarah HAD to use THAT bathroom. The other two bathrooms in the house would obviously not suffice and how dare we even suggest it. There was much yelling and screaming from Sarah. Amy wasn’t happy either. Yet, then after two days in a row with such moments, on the third day Sarah easily talked about how Amy was in the bathroom and that it was totally fine to wait. It is emotional whiplash around here sometimes. It’s hard to keep up with the mood of the moment. I can be blissfully unaware of approaching emotional hail only to be caught off guard with the sudden squall.
For two of Sarah’s screamy times about other subjects, that were not emergencies in any way but I defy you to discern that based on the decibels she reached, I got down on my knees so I was at an easier eye level, and I talked quietly and calmly about the situation. That seemed to help Sarah listen and calm herself. Now the only trick is for me to remember that maneuver and have the internal room to provide that present calm more often.
I have completed three months of working with a woman in England who specializes in the emotional components behind chronic pain. I have had many moments of feeling traces of my cluster headache that then immediately went away when I let myself feel whatever emotion I had quickly stuffed into that part of my head without even being aware I was doing so. The most notable moment came when I was talking about the headaches and my concern about when I next see my doctor since I haven’t been taking the medication she thinks I switched to. I felt a headache starting as I spoke. As soon as I paused and asked myself how I was feeling then I felt overwhelmingly sad. And as soon as that sadness surfaced my headache vanished. This may seem like such an obvious connection to an observer but from inside me it is miraculous. I truly hadn’t thought I was sad at all.
Then there is my hip. For years now I’ve had chronic issues in my right hip, sometimes to a nearly debilitating degree that has me limping instead of walking. Knowing that there is arthritis and deformation in the joint I haven’t been sure if there was actually an emotional component going on. On Friday I received profoundly wonderful myofascial work from a friend. When he worked with my right hip I suddenly felt so sad regarding Sarah. When I let those feelings move through with acknowledgement then I felt more open and loving towards Sarah.
There are some feelings of grief, despair, disappointment, failure, and hopelessness (mostly regarding Sarah) that I think I dare not feel if I am to continue functioning. So I don’t even let myself notice they are there. They are stuffed immediately elsewhere, most likely into my hip pain or headache pattern. I know now that I’ve got to weather that storm and let my heart feel like it will break if even for a moment so that then I can be free on the other side. I won’t break. I’ll have more emotional room and flexibility. Long ago I used to read Terry Brooks’ Shannara books. There was always a moment when the protagonist needed to honestly face who they were in their inmost self. Only when they had done so and accepted themselves would their magic work. I loved reading about those moments, and now I get to have my own such moments.
Lots of love to you as you weather your own storms.
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