June 27: Cats, Yawning Play, and Do-Overs

Olivia is our cat and today is her birthday. We selected the day to be close to Carl’s birthday to help us remember the date. I think Amy is the only one to think of it, as Olivia is her nearest and dearest Cat Best Friend Furever (CBFF). Last night Amy made a card for Olivia, and it is the most elaborate card she has ever made. She said she stayed up until 10pm working on it and then flung herself into her bed. She also made a Spotify playlist for Olivia, complete with Amy’s favorite songs from the musical CATS and with a “song” of a cat purring. 

Last night Sarah and I were cracking up during the bedtime preamble of hanging out together in her room. We were sitting on the bed and I yawned for real. Sarah maybe yawned legitimately too. Then she started fake yawning and the sheer goofdom shining out of her eyes had me laughing so much I couldn’t even yawn for real when I wanted to. She was laughing too. After a few minutes she flung her arms around me with an affectionate, “Mommy Mouse!” 

Sarah continues to have super bathroom-door-closing radar, especially at bedtime. She may be happily having quiet time in her room looking at pictures drawn by Sc or reading a book, but if she hears Amy close the bathroom door then Sarah must use the bathroom this instant!! It is imperative that she brush her teeth right NOW! Never mind that she could have done so easily in the many minutes that preceeded this one. When Amy does open the door, Sarah tends to bulldoze past. Amy gets nervous about being body checked, though I remind Sarah not to bump into Amy. Sarah hasn’t been touching Amy lately but she does still go fast and Amy gets anxious. So last night I said Sarah needed to go slower or I would start having Amy brush her teeth before opening the door. Of her own accord, Sarah slowly retraced her steps and slowly performed a do-over of the previous moment. She apologized for going too fast and said she would go slow. Amy was still grumpy, but I was quite pleased.

Amy is a rising fifth grader, as her last day of school was June 18. Next week she and Sarah attend Magic Camp, at our house and joined by Anna. If I understand things correctly, Amy and Anna will alternate participating as students and as teachers. Amy’s new witch’s broom arrived just in time, with a companion broom sized for a grown-up. 

June 20: Weathering Storms of All Sorts

Last Sunday Amy and I returned from feeding a friend’s cats a mere two minutes before a massive rain storm hit. We were blissfully unaware as we walked home, knowing there was some thunder rumbling and some early drops falling, but not knowing torrential rain and hail was imminent. As soon as it did pour, the girls ran outside to enjoy it. Amy was quickly drenched and cold, coming inside to get warm. When the hail started I had Sarah come inside even though she had been under cover. Many people lost power or had trees come down. Luckily we only had some dirt get cleared forcefully from the gutters and a few small branches fell. 

I have been appreciating Sarah’s comedic timing and ability. Last weekend when Sarah came on the cat-feeding mission, we passed a dog that was barking. Then we passed another dog barking. Sarah responded with a calm deadpan, “woof.” It was truly hilarious and perfect. She also likes to come downstairs after bedtime if Carl is watching basketball. She backs up towards his lap and parks herself with full entitlement. It is adorable.

Sarah had some moments of extra intense big feelings, perhaps heightened because of her period. The moments of upset usually had to do with Amy going into the upstairs bathroom and closing the door. Suddenly Sarah HAD to use THAT bathroom. The other two bathrooms in the house would obviously not suffice and how dare we even suggest it. There was much yelling and screaming from Sarah. Amy wasn’t happy either. Yet, then after two days in a row with such moments, on the third day Sarah easily talked about how Amy was in the bathroom and that it was totally fine to wait. It is emotional whiplash around here sometimes. It’s hard to keep up with the mood of the moment. I can be blissfully unaware of approaching emotional hail only to be caught off guard with the sudden squall.

For two of Sarah’s screamy times about other subjects, that were not emergencies in any way but I defy you to discern that based on the decibels she reached, I got down on my knees so I was at an easier eye level, and I talked quietly and calmly about the situation. That seemed to help Sarah listen and calm herself. Now the only trick is for me to remember that maneuver and have the internal room to provide that present calm more often. 

I have completed three months of working with a woman in England who specializes in the emotional components behind chronic pain. I have had many moments of feeling traces of my cluster headache that then immediately went away when I let myself feel whatever emotion I had quickly stuffed into that part of my head without even being aware I was doing so. The most notable moment came when I was talking about the headaches and my concern about when I next see my doctor since I haven’t been taking the medication she thinks I switched to. I felt a headache starting as I spoke. As soon as I paused and asked myself how I was feeling then I felt overwhelmingly sad. And as soon as that sadness surfaced my headache vanished. This may seem like such an obvious connection to an observer but from inside me it is miraculous. I truly hadn’t thought I was sad at all.

Then there is my hip. For years now I’ve had chronic issues in my right hip, sometimes to a nearly debilitating degree that has me limping instead of walking. Knowing that there is arthritis and deformation in the joint I haven’t been sure if there was actually an emotional component going on. On Friday I received profoundly wonderful myofascial work from a friend. When he worked with my right hip I suddenly felt so sad regarding Sarah. When I let those feelings move through with acknowledgement then I felt more open and loving towards Sarah.

There are some feelings of grief, despair, disappointment, failure, and hopelessness (mostly regarding Sarah) that I think I dare not feel if I am to continue functioning. So I don’t even let myself notice they are there. They are stuffed immediately elsewhere, most likely into my hip pain or headache pattern. I know now that I’ve got to weather that storm and let my heart feel like it will break if even for a moment so that then I can be free on the other side. I won’t break. I’ll have more emotional room and flexibility. Long ago I used to read Terry Brooks’ Shannara books. There was always a moment when the protagonist needed to honestly face who they were in their inmost self. Only when they had done so and accepted themselves would their magic work. I loved reading about those moments, and now I get to have my own such moments. 

Lots of love to you as you weather your own storms.

June 13: Vaccines, Mud, and Judgement Crap

Last Sunday Sarah helped Carl make dinner. Yesterday she made a water smoothie by filling our Vitamix with water and blending it to make sure there were no lumps. I do hate lumpy water, don’t you?

Sarah received her second Pfizer shot on Wednesday and was at low ebb with a fever on Thursday. Thursday evening after bedtime we heard her talking happily and reciting books and shows as she often does, so we knew she was feeling better. 

Amy and her BFF had an outdoor play date earlier in the week, and they had THE BEST TIME EVER. They used bricks to smash other bricks and rocks. Then they used water from the sprinkler to make mud and got completely covered in mud. Sarah joined in the rock smashing but was not up for mud. 

Yesterday morning was not the best between Sarah and me. She was whiney and impatient about things and I didn’t have the internal space to respond as lovingly/patiently/creatively as I sometimes do. I decided to go for a walk to recenter myself. If only. There are many “if only” thoughts about this decision. If only I had picked a different route. If only I had stopped to chat with a neighbor. If only I hadn’t stopped a car from driving through the all-way walk in the big intersection near the playground because I was still crossing. If only I had let them go. 

Or if only I could have been deaf to the calls from another car judging me for my wanting a safe, legal time to cross. The person in the judgy car said I should stop being a “Karen” and be an adult. I hate that that name has become a bad thing. I know so many wonderful people with that name. I hated being called a name for just wanting to cross when it was my turn at an intersection where I legitimately worry about cars misbehaving and hitting kids. I replied in a yell that I had kids. They yelled back that my kids weren’t with me. It is true that my kids weren’t with me, but that doesn’t change my desire for cars to behave there. Anyway. I realized my walk was ruined because I felt so rotten after that interaction. So I turned to cross back and go home, only then realizing that traffic hadn’t moved on so the judging car was still there. As they drove past me they were laughing at me as I was fighting tears. I screamed that they had no idea. Because of course they didn’t have any idea of what my life is like or my morning was like. Nor do I know theirs. 

In hindsight I know it would have been much better if I had just let everyone do their thing and ignore them but I didn’t have the wherewithal for that either. So I went home, crying the whole way, using my mask as a tissue, and then crying and yelling more as I told Carl about it. I also journaled to get more feelings out, so I was able to mostly put it in the past. But my mind still holds on a bit, offering different scenarios of all the better things I could have said and done or all the ways it could have gone worse. Anyway, that was all yucky. At least Sarah and I had a better day for the remaining hours.  

On the plus side, I had a really great week with my clients. I explored new ways of working that were more effective and easier on my body. I also helped a student feel much better about their abilities and future possibilities. And most of the week I also felt like a good mom and a good person. Just have to keep releasing the other crap. 

I hope your days are going well. 

June 6: A Miraculous Discovery, and Baby Uh-Oh is a Rising 7th Grader

I’m writing later in the day than usual because the kids had a sleepover at Anna’s last night, so Carl and I went out to dinner at a restaurant!! We were outside, but this was the first time in over a year and a half. This morning we went out to breakfast at a place where we could be next to a giant open window. As with so many things, the experience was slightly weird and novel and also like putting on an old familiar shoe. Similarly, Carl was away this past week on a business trip for the first time in ages. The main area of impact for those of us at home was bedtime, since usually we have one parent per kid, and bedtime routines happen simultaneously. 

Sarah’s bedtime routine usually involves being told about 5 times to come upstairs and brush her teeth before she actually does so. Then some time reading Goodnight Moon to herself. Then hanging out on her bed with one of us and going through her favorite conversation loops or phrases…

”Mouse the mouse is in the house” (with "raise the roof" dance moves), 

Snuggling together as she pretends to be a mouse in my house, 

Saying that we love each other more than cheese, 

“Tick-tock goes the very big clock” with Sarah on my lap as I rock her back and forth,

pretending to be Gerald sneezing or Piggie getting thrown by the sneeze a la Pigs Make Me Sneeze, 

talking about how we will miss Sarah when she is away at the sleepover,

 

“hickory dickory dock… the clock strikes 4, he runs to Anna’s car door and closes it gently” while my mousy fingertips run up and down her arm,

drinking lots of water from a water bottle by her bed,

“tick tock whoa” as she rocks herself back and forth with her legs spilling off the bed towards the floor,

brief foot rubs, 

stretches as she sits criss-cross and alternates bringing each foot towards her chin several times,

tuck-in, and

“sad mouse” head snuzzle on her chest. 

-End Scene-

——

Amy’s bedtime routine involves one of us reading a chapter book (Harry Potter read by Carl until all 7 books were done; now The Golden Compass ready by me) while she cleans her room and brushes her teeth and retainer.

Speaking of retainers…

I really think I had proof of angels this week. If you recall, Amy’s retainer had vanished, and I had looked high and low for it many times. She was due to be fitted for a new one on Thursday. Wednesday morning I woke up and remembered that angels or guides need to be asked for help, or so I’ve heard. I had certainly asked before but I was in a panic of searching at that time. On this particular morning I prayed “please help me find the retainer” and I felt the answer back, “We will, but you have to look again.” I also had an image come to mind of the sleeper sofa. I had already looked between the cushions but this vision was about opening it to bed form. When I got downstairs I realized I couldn’t open it all the way easily because Sarah’s Zwift bike set-up is super heavy, and normally Carl is the one to move it. But he was away. So I pulled the bed open part-way and peered into the depths, down to what I discovered was a black cloth lining the bottom of the bed when pulled fully open. If I had pulled all the way then this would have been pulled taut obscuring … the retainer. There it was. Just sitting there in its innocent clear plastic glory. When I showed Carl how I found it he was just as amazed as I was that I had found it at all because the location was so unusual.

Sarah loves creating different names for herself and does so fluidly and easily. Her latest is to call herself Baby Uh-Oh, based on how she and sitter C said “uh oh” when playing about the Pigs Make Me Sneeze book. When Sarah greeted Carl yesterday with a giant hug, she called him Daddy Uh-Oh. All week long as Sarah and I discussed how I would miss her when she was gone, we would go through a list of all the people I would miss (all her): Baby Mouse The Mouse, Baby Musical Note, Baby Gymkhana, Baby Uh-Oh, Baby Panda, Baby Tiger, Baby Door, Baby Window, Baby Car Door, Baby Goodnight Moon House.

Amy has recently enjoyed pretending to be Mira, Royal Detective, which is the name of a show she has been watching. She made herself a badge and she takes notes on mysteries to solve. Several times she would go on the case of the missing Sarah, always finding her easily.

Thursday was Sarah’s last day of school, and we returned her chrome book and other supplies. Her teacher brought all of her classmates down to say hello/goodbye. Sarah was saying how she was excited to return in person in the fall. That ten minutes of seeing her school people was way more emotional for me than I expected. I just wanted to cry both from the community that still welcomed her and suddenly doubting my decisions from this past year. I had to remind myself that each decision made sense at the time, and when I had offered Sarah the chance to go in person for her final months she opted to stay home. Still, when we got to the car after dashing through the pouring rain that started in the time we were in the school building, I needed a short hard cry before I could drive. Sarah was very kind, asking if I was ok, and saying she hoped I felt better soon. Given that there have been times when she has laughed at my distress, her care was extra sweet. Anyway, she is now a rising 7th grader and will bus to school in person in the fall. I will miss my Baby Uh-Oh, but I also look forward to that familiar and novel moment.

Lots of love to all of you. May you find whatever you seek even if it is hiding sneakily.