August 11

When Sarah and I are having hard times multiple times a day for days in a row, it is hard to remember anything different. I think we are finally emerging from our extra hard time. Monday was a loooong day without enough planned and without help. Tuesday I worked a lot so that was easier. Wednesday I had afternoon help, but the morning still felt hard. Overall, I was still feeling like an awful mom. Once I hit a moment where I realize that even if an angel were to materialize in front of me and tell me I am a good person, that I wouldn’t believe them, then I know I have to change something in my thinking. So I did make a change. I  pulled up my emotional bootstraps and stepped into a bit more confidence about who I am. I also was busier and had more help. 

Then we had Grammy and Granddad visiting. When they are here then Sarah just wants to play with Grammy and Grammy is able to achieve results that I can’t. This seems to be the case often, that others can get results that I can’t. It is sort of odd to accept this, knowing that years ago I was just the right person to do so many things with her. But I’m not anymore. We can still have snuggly times, but they are very ismy. They are repetitive in the moment and moment to moment. Doing new things just isn’t our forte unless it
is something that Sarah really wants to do. 

Yesterday we went to Fort Ligonier. It was quite a struggle to get Sarah to get in the car to go there. Once there, she had a good time. The girls got stuffed animal bears courtesy of Grammy. Sarah named her bear Chester and Amy’s is Lily. 

Sarah and I both just really want to control situations and we don’t like giving up control. There are also many moments when Sarah says she wants a certain thing and I start to act on that and then she changes her mind. It is hard to keep up. 

As with so many moments, I don’t feel that I have any wisdom to share or any answers to anything. What my stepmom (aka Grammy) pointed out is that sharing my journey here is a way of offering companionship to others on similar journeys. Maybe we don’t need to have answers. We just need to show up and witness the moments. As always, thank you to those of you who witness and love and try to combat my emotional gremlins. Thank you to those who get even closer, helping us out of the trenches, offering love and yourself to our messy selves. You really make such a difference.