April 21

I had a tremendously wonderful time in London with my friend. We walked and talked and ate good food. We had a tour of the Globe theatre followed by tea. By “tea" I mean the tower of sandwiches and scones and mini desserts in addition to the actual beverage. We saw many birds, including some baby ducks. We saw “The Book of Mormon” and laughed the whole time. We delighted in the ridiculously narrow and unsafe stairs that led to our airbnb. The stairs were probably one of the best parts because of their utter impracticality. We laughed every time we traversed them and I’m sure that will be one of our lasting memories. 

Re-entry to my normal life has been rocky. I know it usually is after any trip, but this time has felt especially challenging and I have frequently not been the person I aspire to be. I feel like I have no tolerance for Sarah’s lack of listening or her grabbing things away from Amy, so I go from fine to screaming in two seconds. This all feels especially frustrating given how peaceful and centered I felt while away. Jet lag hasn’t helped. The fact that my cluster headaches have started again despite being on meds hasn’t helped. I have had a couple of nights where the headaches were really bad. They weren’t yet to the point of my wanting to slam my head against a sink, but they were enough that I chose to wake Carl so I wouldn’t go crazy with the pain and panic. He helped tremendously. I have increased my meds so soon that should have an effect, and I also have various bodywork sessions scheduled this week to help put the headache beast back in the box.

Carl has been amazing overall, of course, because he always is. He has had loving patience for all of us that share his home, even when multiple people have been screaming or crying. I don’t understand it, but I’m blessed to be a recipient. I feel like I should come home and swoop in with loving energy so that he can have a break after the long time of me being away, as he swoops in after a trip or even just a long day of work. He has continued to be creative and energetic with the girls, while I have struggled to keep afloat. When I completely fell apart with the stress of unpacking and reorganizing for other activities, he realized that we had planned too much rather than blaming me for having trouble. There are games in which someone has a card they hold on their forehead and they have to figure out what they are based on what others say to them. Somehow, despite my feeling like a mess of tears and tension and not coping well with re-entry, Carl and Amy have showered me with love (Sarah has sprinkled a little). I can only marvel that somehow my forehead card must be a good one. Rationally I can think of many good things about myself, but in the moments where I have zero tolerance for Sarah or a mess or mundane demands of life, it is easy to feel like pond scum. So I am grateful for the love. 

Amy wrote a letter to the Easter Bunny, asking for the egg hunt to be tricky. It was! The girls had fun and are now wanting to hide the plastic eggs again and again. I admit to feeling a bit stressed over whether the eggs, chocolates, and jelly beans would be found in a fair distribution. Somehow it seemed to work. Amy has also been asking me if I am the Easter Bunny. I don’t respond to her query. Bunnies don’t talk. Amy now wants the rest of the day to be FUN and EASTERish. She is already disappointed. Meanwhile, in this regard Sarah is the easier one because she would happily hide her own eggs and find them again all day. 

Our new favorite song is “Pink Fluffy Unicorns Dancing on Rainbows” by Songs To Wear Pants To. If you haven’t heard it, I highly recommend it.