March 24

Some moments are so perfectly wonderful... this morning we woke to hearing Amy warning Sarah not to step where there was water on the bathroom floor. Sarah said she wouldn’t step in it. Amy slipped in it. Sarah asked if she was ok. I just love it so much when they have easy, seemingly grown-up interactions. I love it when Sarah can have a present, flexible, responsive conversation. 

Another moment from this morningthat warmed my heart was both girls describing in unison the waffle toppings I had prepared: bananas, blueberries, strawberries, and chocolate chips. They were also wearing matching multicolored heart pajamas. So adorable. 

In contrast, last Sunday I felt despairing regarding Sarah chewing on the inside of her cheek so that her saliva was tinged with blood. She was picking at her teeth and gums. She was still coughing a lot. I felt sad and worried that her future would include self injury. I could barely drag myself to Zumba and now there have been two Zumba classes in which my teachers noticed that I was sad. That is not my normal way of being, especially in Zumba. But sometimes things just feel so impossibly hard regarding parenting Sarah. Now that everything is fine and back to normal I can see my worry was out of proportion to the moment. And yet, this weekend has also had frustrating moments. When we had a final birthday dessert with a candle for Amy, Sarah swooped in and blew out Amy’s candle. Amy was very upset because she felt that Sarah took her wish. Sarah also grabbed food from my plate without asking. Argh. So I guess things are normal and par for our course. 

On the plus side again, Sarah’s swim teacher said all she needs to do to move to the next level is jump in by herself. This is huge. She has been a minnow for about a year and a half. 

Getting me in a worried snit again, I have had some lack of full feeling in my thumbs for a while. Lately I have also had tingly hands sometimes. So I had an MRI of my neck and it showed some bulging discs and some degeneration of some of my vertebrae. In the words of Peg to Cat, “I am totally freaking out!” I know one of the best things to do for myself is the Alexander technique and I should do it ALL of the time. Part of that involves having a free and easy neck. That is not so possible for me when I am fearful that I am not as whole and well as I thought. I get scared of what it might mean for the future. I will have a nerve test. I have had some times of deep crying interspersed with online shoe shopping for the girls and myself. That is my balance for the moment. 

I hope you are well and whole. I hope you can cry if you don’t feel that you are. I hope there is a balance between the hard and the lovely. Any spare love that you can send to my neck is most appreciated.