April 8

This week Amy explained some artwork to me. It had been created by Sc, Sarah, and Amy and each paper Easter egg was different. Amy explained that Sarah had used all stickers, Sc had used all crayon, and that she had used mixed media! I nearly fell over with her use of such grown up vocabulary.

Sarah’s bus has been so good and reliable for the past few weeks and was mostly good this week, but had a few snags. The snags feel so disrespectful. I understand that problems occur and that subs must be used and that sometimes they have to do a different route first. I don’t understand not communicating this more clearly to the school. Note to self: if there is a sub in the morning that has to do a different route first so I end up driving Sarah myself, then I should just say I will also get her in the afternoon. Next note to self: if first note is not remembered, then when the first call comes in to say that the bus will be late and hasn’t yet reached the school, get in the car and go get Sarah. Sigh. Apparently the reliable driver has been shifted to a different route. I do not like this change and will investigate the options for getting him back.

Sarah and I had screamy times this week where we were both on the wrong ball. Once I let myself scream louder and longer than usual. What was interesting is that then she was the one to soften first and say she was sorry and that we had been on the wrong ball. She even gave me kisses. Not that I want to repeat my yelling and not that I think it was the best solution, but what I liked is that I didn’t censor myself in the moment and the experience as a whole somehow felt cleaner. 

I am getting bored with some of how Sarah expresses her anger. I am hoping this will help me shrug it off more instead of getting all caught up and yelling too.

I had an interesting experience Friday night. It was a first. I was congratulated by someone I barely know who thought I was either pregnant or had just had a baby. Part of me was just puzzled. Then I thought, “Oh dear, I shouldn’t have worn this sweater that might follow the curves of my middle in such a way as to make it look like I am pregnant.” Then I thought, “I can never eat again. I should have been engaging my abs more!” When I got home I did cry hard for a couple of minutes about how I felt terrible, but that was the culmination of other things from the week too. But then, actually, upon reflection I don’t really feel that bad. In fact, I think it might not really matter at all. I don’t have the energy to be upset by this. I don’t want to spend my precious minutes of life worrying about my belly that in fact is not flat. I have had children and I do like to eat, sometimes more than is required. And my peeps do love me anyway. So maybe I could shrug the comment off the way I would if someone congratulated me on getting a dog. That would be erroneous too and I wouldn’t be phased by it. Confused perhaps, but I wouldn’t be offended or feel hurt or self-conscious. In general I have noticed that I have a smaller tolerance for feeling yucky and hurt. It just isn’t fun to feel that way and at least sometimes I am able to shift gears and focus on what is lovely in my life and go towards expressing love. This doesn’t mean I don’t feel yucky and hurt and angry and judgmental. I really do and I go full tilt. I just don’t stay full tilt for as long as maybe I used to. 

On Friday the girls will have their first swim lesson. Fingers crossed.

Love, love, love to all.