April 15

Sarah can’t hear. Again. It is another ear infection. She is on another round of antibiotics. We have an appointment to see an ENT in July, which was the earliest available appointment unless there is a cancellation. I find myself wanting to blame some dietary decision for her ear infection, as if I can gain some control if I can only find a way to have it be my fault somehow. The naturopath is going to help us with some further testing and supplements to see what is going on with her immune system and to strengthen it. I’m glad to have both kinds of doctors so that we get the antibiotics and also so that someone besides me notices how many rounds of antibiotics she has had in the past few months and says, “whoa! what the *&#@ is going on?” Maybe it is just bad luck but maybe it is something else. 

I want to do some gentle massage work with Sarah, especially on her neck, and she usually resists even the idea of it. She sometimes asks me to rub her back or her legs, but if I attempt any type of work aside from her preferred maneuver then she squirms away or moves my hand. I feel frustrated and hurt and as if it will never work. Then I remind myself that in a Son-Rise context her refusal means, “try again, try another way.” I have been known to persist with a goal of mine for 2 hours with playful and flexible determination, never forcing but never giving up. That is what I need to do here. I will try again. And again and again and again. I know I could ask other people to work with her too, but I don’t want to give up on the possibility of it being me. With attempts throughout the week in different contexts she has allowed me to do a little bit more than she did on Wednesday (the first time in a long while that I had tried). What seems to work best is not setting it up as a thing we are going to do and not even mentioning anything in any way. If she asks me to rub her back or leg then I just also touch her neck for a short time. This morning she let me do the gentlest of squeezes along one sternocleidomastoid. That felt like a tiny miracle. 

Sarah screams. A lot. The duration is usually short but the volume is loud. I am so tired of this. Anything that we ever do that she likes seems to turn into something that she screams about when the answer is no. She is also more screamy when she is hungry or needs to pee.

Sometimes I am full of love for my kids and my life and I remember that the earliest thought of what I wanted to be when I grew up was a mom. Sometimes I want to walk out the front door by myself and just keep walking. Sometimes I am grateful that Sarah helps me learn the resiliency of my love and determination. Sometimes I feel so depleted I feel no love and only resentment. Sometimes I can see that I am a power mama. Sometimes I feel like anything but. I feel like quite a package of inconsistencies. 

Last weekend I took a class and had trouble getting an Uber home because I wasn’t in a prime location. For a little while we thought Carl and the girls might need to come get me, but then I did get a ride arranged. Meanwhile, Sarah took Carl’s car key, went outside, unlocked the car, and got in. When Carl found her she said she was going to get me. That is so sweet! And amazing and slightly alarming that she could do so much without waiting for a grown-up. Since our car has a stick shift I don’t think she could have done more than she did, so that is good. 

Swim lessons were postponed due to the ear infection. 

Love to all.