Last weekend we ended up switching to an oral antibiotic for Sarah after her other ear drum ruptured. She started feeling better quickly but her hearing is still quite impaired as of today. She asks for music but after I start it then she asks where the music is. She can only hear if things are very loud. If I am right in front of her face then she must be able to read my lips a bit because that communication still works. I spoke with a nurse this morning and she said it might take a month before Sarah’s hearing is back to normal. Ugh. This is impacting Sarah’s time at school. Her speech therapist there said she just isn’t quite herself and doesn’t interact like she used to. At home I feel like Sarah is mostly herself and we have plenty of good interactions, in part because they are familiar routine play interactions such as me making sad faces and Sarah laughing. She also likes it when I sing songs from Sandra Boynton's Frog Trouble book, though she never wants me to play the actual album. Maybe it is because my renditions come with facial expressions. Sc noted that doing SR time was more like it was in the early years when we always made sure to be in front of Sarah’s face.
I notice that sometimes when I speak more loudly to Sarah there is a feeling in me that Sarah is stupid. This rather fills me with horror that I’m having the thought and behaving that way towards her. It also points out that I don’t normally view her as stupid. Yes, she’s got delays and challenges, but she is never stupid. That is rather beautiful to notice. I also think that in the broader context this may happen with lots of people when they speak more loudly or slowly for someone else; perhaps there is the untrue companion belief that the other person is stupid.
Amy had a wonderful birthday party on Sunday and now has enough art supplies to last forever. It was lovely to be healthy for her party, which was in stark contrast to the similar party we had for Sarah when I was in the middle of my long sickness. Did you know it can actually feel easy to make a cake and cupcakes? Even when you have a cupcake fail and need to make another batch at 7am the next morning? And it can feel easy to put things in a car and take them to a gymnastics place?
Lately I have been reminding myself to notice and enjoy the fact that I am well. And that I am actually done with student teaching (1999) and can breathe a sigh of relief. I scan through various hard experiences and let myself really notice that they are done and I’m here now with so many things going swimmingly well.
Speaking of hard things being done, my headaches seem to be gone except for the occasional flicker. This is with me on full meds and seeing my MT once or twice a week and getting extra Alexander lessons. I am hopeful that in a month or two I’ll be able to start weaning myself off the meds.
Here is a profound moment of learning: my refrigerator door has space for an extra egg carton behind the one I usually keep in the egg spot! I have had this fridge for years and never noticed. Not only is this life changing just by itself, but I feel like it can be a metaphor for life. When I start feeling tight or anxious about parenting decisions or other concerns of life, I remind myself that perhaps there is space for an extra egg carton. This means there is more space for me and my not knowing. There is more room for imperfection or variability. There is just more room.
I have also been ruminating on the Option/Son-Rise idea that “to love is to be happy with.” There are countless moments when I feel annoyed at those that I profess to love. I am aiming to eliminate my sighs of consternation. I am seeking to give my beloveds that extra-egg carton bit of space in being themselves without my being judgmental or unhappy with them.
If you have a moment to send some love to Sarah’s ears that would be much appreciated.
Love and extra-egg carton space to all of you.
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