July 4

We generally have a rule that we can’t have two weekends in a row with either hosting company or being out of town. Sometimes there are important events that mean going against this rule and then I am reminded of why we have the rule (it just becomes too much). Two weekends ago I was away for a memorial service/family reunion and then last weekend we were in MN for Carl’s high school reunion. We got to see lots of family and it went as well as possible in terms of food because my mother-in-law baked Sarah’s chocolate cupcakes and filled a cooler for me with other things Sarah could eat. Since we flew I couldn’t bring supplies like I normally would, so it was great to have everything ready when we arrived. My in-laws also provided excellent babysitting and assistance overall. And, still, I found it stressful. It seems that on any trip I end up feeling much tighter about Sarah and her behavior and I say no all the time. The great thing about this trip was that I accepted that stressed/grumpy state a little more than I sometimes do. Instead of wondering how I suddenly became a failure of a mother, I was able to say, “oh, this is what usually happens with trips. It is going to be ok.” It was nice to get back to some normal routines at home. On Thursday it was just the girls and I for almost the entire day and it went surprisingly well. And… then I felt done. I am still feeling done. I am feeling a bit burned out on parenting and then feeling bad that I feel burned out because I still have so much help overall and I have had breaks. I guess the first step is to not fight the burn out. 

Yesterday we went to a park that had a big ferris wheel. We stood in line for a long time. We rode the ferris wheel. In Carl’s words, “The girls and I had a great time and Jenny was there too.” Yes. I was kind of stressed and wanting to be done for most of the time. It was hot and crowded and there were cars on display for part of the festival so Sarah wanted to be in the cars and didn’t take kindly to leaving. The ferris wheel itself was both better and worse than I expected. The height bothered me less than expected but Sarah wanting to stand up (we didn’t let her) had me very anxious for the last, painstakingly slow revolution.  Yesterday contributed a bit to the burn out, of feeling like I just want a break when I’m not on call in any way but can be at home and deal with piles of stuff or just read my book all day. I would like a day where half of what I say isn’t met with whining. Once upon a time, there was some version of me that was totally ok with whining, crying, screaming, and general upset. I don’t know where that version of me is but I am trying to find her. Again, perhaps the first step is to be ok with my disgruntlement.

On the awesome side of things… on the way home from MN, Sarah lost her first tooth! Some of her word cards now have 4 words. She sometimes reads new cards without having seen them before. We went to a playground and Sarah went down the firefighter pole several times with Sonia helping just a little. Sarah has never wanted to try that before. At the pool, both girls continue to try new things each time we go.

To end on something quite wonderful, one of our volunteers, M., sent me this lovely message:

I wanted to thank you so much for the opportunity to be a member of Sarah's son rise team! I was reflecting on my time with her and realized that while I was trying to get across ideas and lessons to her, she was teaching me at the same time. She taught me the importance of patience, simplicity, compassion and connection.  Patience helps me every day, especially through academics, and will continue to help me as I move through my challenging classes in the fall. My time with Sarah has taught me that I can conquer what seems to be the impossible. I live a complicated life, haha, with all of my jobs, extracurricular activities, and busy family. Sarah taught me that simplicity is necessary. When things get stressful it's okay to take a step back and give my brain time to relax with no real obligations or responsibilities. Sarah's compassion and enthusiasm has made me realize that even the smallest of accomplishments matter and make a difference in the long run. When I go through my day with optimism and enthusiasm, I fall asleep at the end of the day happier than I would have been otherwise. With a smile on my face and celebrating my little accomplishments and those of others I find so much joy and fulfillment out of day to day life. And finally I cherish the value of connection that Sarah has taught to me. I, as do most people, tend to sometimes withdraw myself and don't always engage in connecting with people. Sarah showed me the reward of connection and how special these moments are. I thank you so much for all that you have done for me and all that I've experienced with Sarah! I cannot wait to spend more time with her and I wish you all the best while I'm away and at school! I also cannot wait to see what new challenges she faces because her learning curve is exponential! -M.