July 26

Last Sunday we went to Idlewild for the first time. If you have never been and if you live anywhere near Pittsburgh, I highly recommend going. It is the most wonderful and pleasant amusement park! There are so many trees that even on a very hot day it is still pleasant. They have tons of rides just for little kids, including one with small cars on a track that the girls could “drive.” You can ride on Mr. Roger’s trolley into the land of make believe! We went with some friends and their daughter and overall it was one of the best days I have had in a long time. The whole day was just amazing. So… when Sarah asked to go back on Tuesday I decided to get season passes and we went again, even though our timing was limited. It was not quite the same perfect day. It was still good, but quite different. Sarah didn’t want to go on any rides beyond the carousel, which we had done twice at the beginning. Amy attempted two rides by herself that she had done with Sarah and their shared friend on Sunday. This time Amy was by herself on the motorcycle ride and looked so sad I could barely stand it. Then Amy and I waited in line for her to ride in a car. She wanted to go with another child, but the girl in line behind us wanted to go by herself and no other kids were solo. When it was Amy’s turn she started to cry before getting in the car. The girl behind her changed her mind and said she would go too. By this time it was too late for Amy and she started sobbing so we left. Then we left the park. Amy fell asleep before we exited the parking lot. I still love Idlewild and we will certainly go again, but Tuesday was a reminder that it may not always be the most perfect experience ever.

We wanted to go back to Idlewild yesterday but Sarah’s potty needs prevented such plans. I don’t know if she had a bug or if it was just the hiccup in regularity that we occasionally experience. We used to experience such troubles frequently, so it is good to notice that we hardly ever have problems these days, but yesterday was still quite challenging. I feel like most of my past couple days of interactions with Sarah involved me helping her get clean while she screamed about it. In the middle of last night it happened again. Carl was as kind and calm as he usually is in such situations. I was as mad and unkind as I usually am in such situations. I was chagrinned and humbled. Why is it so hard for me to be patient and kind sometimes? I felt like a monster as I lay in bed afterwards wondering what my good points are. In attempting to understand my behavior, I realized that in that moment I had been rough as I moved Sarah towards the towel because I was feeling hate. Queue stunned silence. How can I feel that toward my own child? Where did the overpowering love go? As rotten as the thought was, I could actually breathe more easily after I verbalized it. Then Sarah came toward our room and Carl met her in the hall. She said she wanted to sleep with mom. I felt startled that she would still want anything to do with me and that helped some tears flow. Writing this all now I see that of course I don’t really hate her and didn’t really last night either, but I certainly was hating the experience of Sarah’s yelling. Once again, allowing myself to notice the feeling that I so didn’t want to notice helps me let go and move on.

I was feeling very much like a Son-Rise failure, having run a good program for over 3 1/2 years, I now feel like I am stuck in the mud. Either I need to retire and let other people do almost all daily interactions with Sarah or I need to get back in the SR room for 30 min a day. Lately I haven’t wanted to go in the room, or Amy always wants to be there too and that is ok but different or we are going on field trips or to the pool or just hanging out around the house. Just a few days ago I felt like things were going well and easily. Maybe it is the potty issue that derailed that good feeling. I theoretically know it is just a temporary fluke, but I felt like a failure regarding feeding Sarah right. Instead of saying affirmations, I was back to feeling awful and when I did say affirmations I felt like they were a joke because clearly the evidence was against my doing a good job. Well, onward and upward. Today I will endeavor to name for myself how I am feeling, to let it be, and to get in the SR room for 30 minutes. I feel rather sick thinking about doing so. I don’t want to force it, but I think I will feel better and maybe our relationship can improve if we have that time together. I also feel quite naked writing all of this, as if all of my volunteers will be aghast. I know many of you lovely readers don’t enjoy reading about when I am hard on myself. I know. But it is how it is right now and I so much want to be honest about this whole process, this whole journey. It’s not a Son-Rise journey. It is simply my journey through being me and having my Sarah with special needs. There are very many good moments even in a week that ends feeling hard. There are so many blessings that have come from Sarah being herself as she is. I know that. And still. Sometimes I just wish some parts of this could feel easier. When I was in high school I was very attached to the Terry Brooks’ Shannara series. While they do borrow too heavily from Tolkien, one part that I always valued was that for certain magic to work, the individual had to look at and accept all of their deepest selves, unfavorable moments and all. They always did it. They always survived. So, I’m hoping that somehow through writing and sharing, I can access my own magic a bit more cleanly, clearly, and powerfully. And hopefully Sarah and I can strengthen our loving interactions and let go of the times we clash.

On the amazing side of things, Sarah’s progress with reading continues. Most word cards have 4 words on them and she can often read at least part of the newest cards the first time she sees them, making educated guesses about the words she doesn’t know. This morning she guessed “street” when the word was “stairs.” I love seeing her eyes move across the words. We have also changed the math cards to having the first part of a simple equation on the front of the card and the answer is on the back. We don’t turn the card over until she says an answer. If she doesn’t quite get it then we set up our fingers for her to count. 

Also on the plus side, ballet on Tuesday was probably the best ballet class yet. Sarah was the most focused she has been. She still didn’t want to do everything. She still left the room early to watch traffic. Amy still came out for a cuddle visit with me. But, still, it felt like progress. There was no screaming when we left. And when I ran into some friends right after class, the girls stayed with me quietly, easily, and patiently while I talked with my friends. 

On Wednesday we had a small birthday party for one of our volunteers and that felt lovely and fun - and the cake was delicious. I put a layer of home made raspberry jam in between the cake layers with the chocolate frosting. Oh my goodness! We polished the whole thing off within a matter of days. Yesterday I tried varying the recipe again, this time to include carrots and beets with the customary zucchini. I ran out of raspberry jam because I used that in place of some of the honey in the cake, so the frosting is chocolate mousse (made with avocados). I’ve used that mousse as frosting before and it has been a better combination with the normal cake with just zucchini. This cake is good but not as amazing as usual. At least it gives us all three kinds of veggies. 

I have been marveling at how awesome it is that Sarah often gets distracted from word cards or other tasks because she is noticing whatever Amy is doing and wanting to do it too. Recently she even did a little coloring with an attempt at embodying Amy’s focus, speed, determination, and thoroughness. 

Anyway, thank you as always for bearing witness and bearing with me. I wish you all love, gentleness, and a bit of magic even when the going gets tough.