December 21

I wanted to end the year's updates with a positive glow, and I will get there, but for starters here is the honest grit...

This week felt hard. At least for several moments sprinkled throughout. I don't know if this was due to a change in the girls' behavior or a change in my ability to handle it. I kept resolving to keep it together the next moment or day and not yell and be mad and disdainful towards my most darling children. And then I would do exactly what I had resolved not to do. I was back to tightly, tautly ignoring and then exploding. Wednesday night I had a glimmer of realizing how I was being played and that perhaps they know exactly what to refuse to do and when to refuse and how to refuse and how to go tautly boneless and which yell to do to get me over the edge. Sigh. Understanding this still hasn't fully fixed matters.

The moments that have helped me... talking to my mom and following her suggestion to watch something with the girls so we could all snuggle easily, talking to Sonia, and talking/grumping/crying with Carl and having him listen and not boot me to the curb (as I thought was called for). Thursday night the mountain of tight, mad rocks that somehow had been amassing under the guise of Jenny finally shifted a bit towards melting. Amy was upset and I held her on my lap and just let myself hold her without needing to fix anything or change anything, but just to be with her and find my own comfort in nuzzling into her neck. We snuggled for several minutes and then I told her how much I loved snuggling with her. Then I listed many of the things I love doing with her or that she does. She seemed very delighted to hear it. After the girls went to bed I tried to keep that relaxed energy while I did some cooking and cleaning. Then I read a blog by one of my Alexander teachers from my training and I melted further into a teary blob, recognizing so much of myself in the descriptions of protective body patterns of some AT students. If you would like to read the blog it can be found here: http://peacefulbodyschool.com/2014/12/19/on-becoming-a-person/

I also recommend his entry on poise.

I think sometimes my impression of a day gets informed by a very small percentage of time. The days that I think are crappy because I yell are informed by the 10% of the time I yell, if that. The rest of the time I am still functioning pretty well, cooking, cleaning, kindly and creatively interacting with the girls, and generally being a nice person. So why does the 10% win on those days? As my mom reminded me, perhaps my standards are a little high. I think that is especially true after some weeks where I felt really in the groove with my intentions so then my disappointment in the change is greater.

I was thinking this morning about why I get mad or defensive in certain situations (such as Amy insisting that she wants the Donald Duck spoon and no substitute). I think I am hoping the anger will protect me. If I start with doubting my answer and when to hold fast to my position versus when to be flexible, then when the whining and complaining starts I doubt myself further and then must dig in my heels and reinforce my trenches with tight low-level anger. Does this actually protect me from anything? Probably not. I think I worry that if I don't have anger then I will always cave and give in to whatever the girls want whenever they want it and they will never grow up to be good, upstanding, responsible citizens who clean up their own messes and are polite. But, again, why the anger to reinforce myself? Maybe because anger feels strong. I often feel unappreciated when they whine. But is that them not appreciating me or me not appreciating me? Maybe both. When I am fully confident in my choices and my contribution to our life then I don't really wonder or care if they appreciate me or not. I definitely get into some fight or flight energy when the pitch of their complaining reaches a certain level. I feel desperate to change the situation and like an animal who must use prickles and roars to do so. 

Upon reading How the Grinch Stole Christmas this year, I fully relate to the Grinch. I am sick of the noise, noise, noise, noise and I want to gather up all our crap and take it to the top of Mt. Crumpit to dump it. When I am mad or tight then my heart is definitely two sizes too small. My struggles have helped me appreciate Carl and Sonia even more than usual because I witness moments with the girls and know that I would take one path (of tight anger) and I see them gracefully take a kinder, calmer path that actually gets the desired result. I am so thankful for their help and guidance. 

Among the wonderful moments this week... We did an art project with beads and string. Amy was delighted and did lots of beads, all with my help. For a long time Sarah didn't want to do any of it. Then she played with the cardboard box the beads came in. Then she wanted to string beads and could actually do some of them without my help! And then she took the beads back off. And then I left the room for a few minutes and came back to beads strewn everywhere. But it was still super exciting to watch Sarah string beads!

We have had several moments of the girls singing together, sometimes with an adult and sometimes not. I love their shared looks of delight when they are enjoying singing or saying a phrase together. 

On Friday we had a visit from a friend. For the first few minutes Sarah didn't really connect or pay her any attention. However, after Amy demonstrated some of her climbing and rope sliding abilities, Sarah was quick to follow. As Sarah climbed and flipped she had an enormous grin and kept checking in with D, as if showing off very consciously. I haven't seen that enormous level of delighted connection around the flipping/climbing before. It was like a little laser beam of radiant joy.

Sarah's favorite item in the SR room lately has been number flashcards. Sonia created a game around Sarah's love of having the cards spread all over the floor. Sonia gives Sarah a task to do at a certain number, such as finding the 10 and touching it with her left pinky finger. Sarah was totally responsive and into this game. I continued it some during my time but when I prompted Sarah to give me a task then the game sort of fell apart. Sarah continues to count the items on the flashcards, trace the numbers, and has done some addition with one of our volunteers. She has let me use the cuisenaire rods a tiny bit in conjunction with the flash cards. 

Sarah's sneakiness continues. She now uses a chair in the SR room to get items down from the shelf when adults aren't around. This is not good because if she pulls wrong on the shelf the whole thing could come down, as I have explained multiple times. There was one day when it was clear she had gotten objects down by herself but the tell-tale chair was not under the shelf. She must have thought to return it to the usual position near the table. 

I used her love of the song "Dixie" ("I wish I was in Dixie, hooray, hooray...") to have an easy hair washing time with her. Amy kept yelling at me to stop singing, but Sarah's energy totally shifted and she didn't mind the experience at all. I used it one morning with getting ready for the day, changing the words to match the moment ("I was I was in clothing"). 

After the success with the bath I was in a relaxed mode about getting the girls ready for bed and so instead of sternly reminding them for the 10th time to put on their undies, I started singing and dancing: "Underpants, dah dah dah dah dah dah dah, underpants!" What I didn't expect was that both girls would not only comply but they started singing too and wanted to keep going. When Carl came home we greeted him by lining up at the bannister and singing the underpants song.

For Sarah's school there were two events that involved treats that she couldn't eat unless I sent in a version just for her. This sort of challenge is often a bit fun for me, especially when I succeed. I did make candy cane cookies, but unfortunately they were all crumbly when it was time to eat. I still count it as a success. On Friday there was a school party involving cupcakes that the kids would frost and decorate with sprinkles. I made cupcakes and sent in the white sweet potato/coconut milk combo as frosting and freeze-dried strawberry powder for sprinkles. Sarah ate every bite. I may be a grumpalupagus sometimes but I will always find a way for Sarah to have the right kind of dessert! Priorities, people! :)

An extra wonderful thing about our team of volunteers is that even when I am struggling, Sarah still receives a ton of love and support. I feel like a runner who finishes the race because she is helped by other runners. And Amy has her BFF in her volunteer M. When I got out piles of the girls' artwork so they could pick items to give as presents, Amy picked her first item and designated it for M. This was entirely Amy's suggestion. I am so grateful to M. for the time she spends with Amy. It is the only time in the week that Amy gets two hours of someone dedicated entirely to her. Our entire team of volunteers is the best gift in the world for our family to receive. Volunteers for Sarah and Amy, past and present, I will love you forever and always to the moon and back. Thank you.

May all of you who are reading this have ease, support, and love surrounding you.

December 14

Sometimes things don't go as planned and that is the best thing ever even if you don't know it at the time. For Thanksgiving, the white potatoes had gone bad so Sonia and I combined our sweet potatoes, which neither of us eat a ton of, and made mashed sweet potatoes. We learned then that Amy loves mashed sweet potatoes. Because of that I bought Japanese sweet potatoes for variety, which led to my creating sweet potato cream pie. Just use the crust of your choice (if it needs to be baked do that before you add the filling). Bake enough sweet potatoes to give you two cups (without the skins). Puree with 1 cup full-fat coconut milk. Put the filling in the crust. Refrigerate or eat. This is a good recipe.

I wonder when I have a breakthrough and think I have solved life if then I stop thinking the things that led me to the breakthrough because I believe they are solidly a part of my person, when in reality I am still on wobbly fledgling legs. I had been doing so well at ignoring upsets and then I stopped. I started catching the ball of scream and reacting to all the upsets. It has been a rough couple of days. I think I had stopped having my mantra be to ignore things and I think my commitments increased and my sleep decreased. This is not a good recipe. 

Last night I slept 10 hours. The only way I have to sleep in these days is to go to bed early, so I went to be just after the girls did. Now to get back to my mantra of ignoring my children more, at least when they yell. I don't yet have an answer for how to make them do something when we need to go somewhere or do some activity and they ignore me. I hate being ignored. Yesterday I resorted to threatening that they wouldn't get to go to a Christmas party at Carl's work if they didn't cooperate. This did work, but I hate that mean energy I have when I am flailing to feel like I have any control whatsoever. 

On the plus side... the girls have been helping fill our humidifier (and watering the floor a bit in the process). Somehow Sarah has gotten tall enough to be able to turn on the kitchen faucet without a stool. When did this happen?!? 

Yesterday I did some Alexander Technique teaching at the massage school. I shadowed a class that was learning myofascial massage. I haven't shadowed a class in what feels like forever. I had a great experience and I could tell I was calmer about it than I used to be. I still had moments of wondering if I was helping the students at all, but I do know I helped some of them. This is my favorite class to shadow because it involves therapists being still for long periods of time and that can be very challenging. I used to struggle with doing myofascial release because I was so uncomfortable. Then I had AT lessons and was more comfortable and suddenly I could feel what was going on under my hands. I love helping other people become comfortable enough in their own body that they can pay better attention to the client's body. This is all a good reminder that when I am struggling and clashing with the girls, I really deeply need to attend to my own self first so then I can better see what is going on for the girls. Sometimes it isn't clear how to best care for myself when total escape isn't possible. But, I digress. When I was teaching yesterday, I was able to channel some Sarah-Rise room calm presence and not needing anything to happen into my hands-on work. I reminded myself to just be with the students and not need them to change in a particular way, even while I was inviting the change. I love how these two parts of my life (AT and SR) can work so well together and that each helps me be better at the other. 

Our new SR room arrangement with a larger table and two chairs has been working wonderfully. Sarah has done many activities at the table. She and I have played Mancala and Othello. With both games I direct her very specifically for each turn so I'm not sure how much she is learning to play the game, but I do remember learning to play some games in this way myself. Both games have small pieces and Sarah loves to ism with small objects so it is extra exciting that she has been able to attend to my directions for several turns before she says she wants to be done and just play with the pieces. And she has been telling me verbally that she wants to be done instead of just beginning to ism with no verbal communication.

Sarah has also pulled a chair to be under the shelf in the SR room and once pulled down a bin of markers, tape, and scissors. This was when she was on her own. I'm impressed with her ingenuity but this is totally not ok otherwise. The shelf could very easily tip and send her flying under a rain of everything on the shelf. I explained in detail why using the chair was not ok and why she needs to ask a grown-up. It seemed like she understood but she has moved the chair again during at least one SR session. 

Sarah has done number flashcard play with several volunteers in various games. Yesterday she also played the Around the Wheel game with G. for 22 minutes and then later suggested they play catch with a bean bag, which they did. This is amazing. She also often draws a bicycle on the chalk board that I moved to the dining room. 

Amy is starting to branch out with her drawing from just coloring a solid block of color to drawing lines and shapes (blobs). 

Anywho, I hope you are all having relaxing weekends.

December 7

We started our day with a group meeting. I am consistently amazed by my volunteers with their creativity, thoughtfulness, and dedication to our program. Seriously!!! I have the best volunteers! We have lots of new plans for our time in the room and I'm excited to change the room around a bit. We are going to get a slightly bigger table and have two chairs so we can work on having Sarah sit and do an activity at the table with her partner of the moment. We are going to bring back some games of old and introduce new games that she may be ready for. We are going to paint the walls to be chalk boards and maybe white boards. We are going to first and foremost help her express herself when she doesn't want to keep doing an activity. She is very clear about this with body language but we want to have it be verbal and then we will honor it immediately. If she tells us she doesn't want to do something, ok! Then we will gradually nudge towards expanding the length of time she sticks with something that may be challenging or slightly non-preferred. In many ways we have been doing this from the beginning, but it is new to focus on the moments when she suddenly switches to discussing bicycles or sock marks as times when she maybe could verbally say, "I don't want to do this anymore" or "this is too hard" or "help."

At the beginning of the meeting we reflected on how Sarah has changed since we each did our first session compared to our most recent session. We also noted things that felt the same. For me, there is a sparkly silent magic quality to the air in the Sarah-Rise room, and that has been present from day one. I am not always aware of it, but I often am. It is something that I don't experience anywhere else (yet).

Some highlights from the week... Sarah and I had looked at a world map and I showed her where Sb now lives in Brazil. Sarah immediately said "bicycle!" I said we could ask Sb if they have bicycles in Brazil. A couple days later, after we discussed what a tandem bicycle is, Sarah said, "Sarah squished a tandem bicycle in Brazil." Indeed! That sentence melds topics from sessions with multiple people into a creation uniquely her own.

During her session with J., Sarah spontaneously and independently went to the chalk board to draw a bike. During her session with L., Sarah was talking about a red bicycle and L. brought down paper and markers. L. asked what came first, expecting Sarah to tell her what to draw. Instead, Sarah said, "r...e...d." Sonia has been asking Sarah how various words are spelled and Sarah is nailing many of them and is quite attentive to Sonia's help for the ones she doesn't know.

At school, Sarah drew smiley faces on the easel and none of the adults saw her do it. When the teachers asked who had done the drawing Sarah didn't claim ownership, but another child said that Sarah had done it. Sonia said that they looked like Sarah's work and then Sarah did affirm that they were hers. 

Both girls are doing an amazing job of participating in gymnastics and learning new things. Sarah's strength at home on the gymnastics bar is incredible. Watching her control I am struck by how strong her hands and forearms are, along with everything else, and I think this will help with her writing and cutting skills. L. noticed that Sarah's ability to do snaps has improved dramatically in the past two weeks, and I think this is from increased hand strength.

Sarah has taken to saying she is traipsing along. She learned this word from Mo Willems' Goldilocks and the Three Dinosaurs. I have learned from this book as well. The moral of the story, as Mo writes it, is "If you ever find yourself in the wrong story, leave." I have been using this as my reminder motto to leave the room when the yelling commences. Combined with just letting the kids play on their own more made this week feel much easier overall than it might have in the past. I had 3 days when I was the only grown-up for most of the day and overall I totally rocked it. We did errands, we did history lessons, we did art projects, and I stayed happy and relaxed 90% of the time. I felt like I stopped being afraid of my children and their upsets. Today there were some hiccups to this new profound simplicity, but I think I am regaining my equilibrium faster and realigning with my intentions. 

On Tuesday morning I gave two small lessons while we looked at pictures on the computer. I showed the girls pictures of the Wright Flyer, the first flight, the Wright Brothers' bicycle shop and bikes, my dad's students making the Wright Flyer, and my dad dressed as Orville. In follow-up questioning to see how much they had learned, I asked who made the first airplane. Sarah responded, "Granddad." Clearly it worked to capture her interest to see a picture of him, but I also have some work to do! (They now both know it was the Wright Brothers). We also looked at pictures of the Big Bang. Then the girls colored pictures of old bikes and glued bits of buttons and fluff on black paper to artistically represent the Big Bang. I felt so awesome and powerful in my educational prowess after the discussions while at the computer and then I noticed that both were done in 15 minutes total! It felt like we were there and focused for at least an hour. That was a bit humbling but I was still quite pleased with the day. 

Sometimes when Sarah is crying she will pause and say, "sniff." Yesterday she did this and Carl asked if that was from Snoopy. In the midst of her upset, Sarah corrected him that it was Gerald (from Pigs Make Me Sneeze by Mo Willems). 

Sarah reached her milestones belatedly and it was easy for me to despair of her ever getting to a certain point. She didn't walk independently until she was almost 3. Watching her controlled flips I am reminded that just because she can't do something today doesn't mean she isn't going to knock it out of the park in the future. 

November 30

When thinking about what I was grateful for on Thanksgiving, the list just went on and on. I am so very deeply blessed in so many ways. This whole journey with Sarah is a blessing in multiple directions, helping me become more of the person I want to be. As you know, one of my main struggly areas is getting mad and yelling at the girls. I noticed myself wishing that Sarah's situation was easier, thinking that would be the solution. Then I realized that whenever there is a stuck spot within me, it will find a way to make itself known so I can deal with it. So if it wasn't this then it would be something else. And if there wasn't something else, then maybe that would be unfortunate that I wouldn't notice and address it. Within the last week I have had many moments of successfully, truly staying calm when the girls are upset. It feels like playing catch with someone and deciding to just leave my arms at my side while the ball bounces off me. I just don't catch the ball of scream. Sometimes this means making a hasty retreat out of the room to an activity such as reading a good book or doing something in the kitchen. It has to be something that I find engrossing enough to help me not engage in the usual dance of whining, yelling, and grumpiness. I am already noticing a slight difference in the length of the girls' upset. I think it is a smidge shorter. Or maybe it just feels shorter because I am staying calmer. It has certainly helped to have Carl home and have all of us on vacation for the past few days. It will be just me with the girls for most of today and most of Tuesday so we will see if I can maintain the calm. While I can understand in theory that I am in control of my emotions, it often doesn't seem that way in practice. But I did have a tiny glimpse of really understanding it as true.

There was one day recently when I got mad about a situation. It wasn't about the girls or towards the girls at all. Sarah said I was a grumpsicle. That, of course, was not what I expected her to say and was cleverly funny enough to dissolve my grumps almost instantly. Sarah is very good at making connections and word substitutions to further her play. I attribute this to her own awesomeness and also to how Carl and I (and maybe others) play and substitute words ourselves. Another example of Sarah doing this happened a couple weeks ago when Sarah was holding a fork and started singing, "Old MacDonald had a fork."

I served rice spaghetti one night and when I went to put a napkin on Sarah's lap I discovered she had already done it. She said she was protecting her snail pants! I hardly ever put napkins on the lap of anyone and it is really only to protect the snail pants from certain foods, so this was wonderful that she thought of it too.

On Wednesday, I dressed up in my Colonial outfit and told a story that might have been told in the 1600s. Two days later, Amy told Carl she was going to tell him a story and sing a song. She proceeded to sing about and tell him about a dog and a ladybug (or was it a giraffe and a ladybug?) going out walking and then going home. So cute!! Then this morning Sarah combined a reference about a Dora episode with the story I had told. She said that baby jaguar (Dora) had lost her soap (Colonial story). 

We have reached the end of an era. Amy has switched to almost always saying Sarah and Sonia instead of Hara and Honia. This is exciting and I also feel a little sad.

I had a really great talk with M. that helped me shift my perspective and think more clearly about things in the SR room. I described what I thought was a less successful session with Sarah because I felt like I wasn't as in tune with Sarah, and I was pushing her too much, and we lost our fun connection. In talking to M. I realized how much I learned because of that session, remembering to get the fun connection first and to be flexible to drop something that isn't working and how to tweak things I tried to make them more effective (eg. start with a big tic tac toe board and gradually make it smaller rather than starting small). I now think this was a very successful session because of how much I learned.

I often ask myself what I could do differently to make my next session more effective. I sometimes ask this of my volunteers after their sessions too. M. helped me see that I could ask it as what could be different just to be different? to help continue building different ideas into some repeat play themes. This way feels like thinking sideways, which is what I often strive to do in the SR room.

I also had an idea while talking to M. of how to maybe teach Sarah about the Wright brothers. She loves bicycles and she often says that she goes flying. What more perfect blend of those two loves than the Wright brothers? My dad dressed as Orville Wright of course! He used to do so when teaching his students about the Wright brothers and on at least two occasions his 3rd graders built a Wright Flyer in the classroom. I was thinking pictures of someone Sarah knows and loves combined with pictures of kids might interest her in the subject. I haven't yet gone beyond my idea and getting pictures.

Sarah and I had a great time playing with number flash cards. Sometimes when she counts she doesn't touch each object being counted or she counts some twice. I made a huge hammed up deal about not missing a single square. She seemed to love the drama and spent a lot of time loving my head and then did correctly count while pointing to each square for the number 10 card. Internally I felt like I had shifted from needing her to get through a certain number of cards to wanting to help her really have fun doing just one card correctly no matter how long it took. Later that night I made new flash cards to get us up to 15 and then skipped to 20, 30, etc up through 100. I haven't yet played with these with her but I'm eager to try.

On Thanksgiving morning, Carl took the girls to a movie in a theater! Sarah hasn't been to a theater since she was maybe 18 months old. Amy has never been. They lasted for about an hour. Wow. Totally awesome. 

Thank you all for your presence in my life.

November 23

Last weekend, Sarah had a bit of a cold. She got over it in 2 days. That may be record speed for her, which would indicate that her body is indeed healing and getting stronger.

On Tuesday, Sarah and I played two consecutive full rounds of the Alexander board game I made last year (Alexander of the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day). It almost seemed too easy for her. Wow. I started thinking it was time to make another game. 

On Wednesday, I made a new board game with Sonia's help. It is called Around the Wheel. You roll a die and then move your person (taken from another toy) around a wheel drawn on posterboard with different colored squares. When you land on a square you pick a card from the deck with the corresponding color written on the top. Sarah and I played a few rounds of this and she picked the correct card perfectly for each turn. She also liked almost all of the prompts from the cards that each of us picked (this was just the two of us playing), until we got to the instruction to have another player draw a shape and you color it in. I think the shape I drew was too big. Now I realize that to help her move toward the goal of coloring in a shape fully, I need to start small so that she can achieve it easily. Maybe I could start so small as to be ridiculous and we could laugh about it together. 

For school, Amy created an American Indian name for herself: Angry Buffalo. I love this so much it is hard to say. All the other kids picked dainty things like Little Star. Not that there is anything wrong with dainty names, but I adore Angry Buffalo, the name and the girl. I do think the name is perhaps more apt for Sarah, so we have Angry Buffalo 1 and Angry Buffalo 2, not to mention that that really could be my name on many occasions.

Thursday morning I was a very angry buffalo as the girls were resisting getting ready for the day and Carl was out of town so it was just me to get them ready and make breakfast. The thing that puzzles me is why I got so mad and tense, given that we didn't actually have anything scheduled for the entire day except having Sonia come over to help as usual. I often attribute my anger to tension about time, but I think it is sometimes more about feeling powerless and disrespected. So, I threatened very loudly that maybe they wouldn't get breakfast. It was not my finest moment. They did get breakfast and we had a good day overall, it just wasn't the day I had envisioned during my Wednesday night Zumba when I was having all sorts of revelations that meant I was going to be happy and empowered forever. Instead of my going in the SR room for my envisioned 5 hours, we did no SR time at all. We had a relaxed day hanging out and then I went to work (my paid work as an MT, where I know what I'm doing, people love what I do and never yell). At one point on Thursday I was resting on the floor of the family room. The girls came in and the delight in their eyes to see me on the floor was wonderful to behold. They each took turns climbing on me and giving me chin presses and face mushes, fighting with each other for space on my person. So it seems that even when I yell for a few minutes of unglory in the morning, we have lost no love, and perhaps that is a great lesson too.

On Friday afternoon, Sarah was isming in the family room with Minnie cards from a Minnie Mouse matching game. I don't often join her when she is isming outside of the SR room because I figure she is occupied and I can do some cleaning or cooking. This time I did join her (meaning I did the same thing she was doing with no attempt to engage her). She began looking at me and smiling immediately. I then followed her lead and invitation to play the game. We played for at least 30 min, maybe 45, with Amy. After a short time, Amy brought a doll into the game to take turns too. I told Sarah she could have a toy elephant take a turn and I had an elephant myself. It was really like 6 people playing. It was very hard to actually get matches because there were so many cards and small individuals sometimes moved cards to new locations. I was the one to end the game because I realized I was getting frustrated and tight about enforcing turns and how to leave the cards in place, but I think the girls would have kept going had I stayed with it. Sarah mostly turns over the same two cards each turn unless I prompt her to turn over a new card for one of them, but she stayed with the game the whole time. This is really amazing. My next goal in this area is for me to be more relaxed about enjoying the process of the time together rather than worrying about playing the game right. 

Yesterday, Carl took Sarah with him to REI. She saw the climbing wall they have there and wanted to do it. She just barely squeaks by with the minimum weight requirement. She climbed up a  very short way. I love that she saw the activity and wanted to do it and that Carl arranged it so she could. I love how he loves expeditions with Sarah and has her help pay for purchases and parking and hold the parking garage ticket. I often don't so such outings, or when I do I don't have the internal space or thought to let Sarah do as much. 

When I was in high school I often felt like there were different parts of me and that something was wrong that I couldn't choose whether I wanted to always be one way or another. For example, I loved Colonial times and garb but I also loved sometimes being trendy and modern. I felt like I should pick one and stick with it.  One of my boyfriends said that maybe I didn't have to choose. That was helpful then and it is helpful now as I berate myself for not being able to stick to eating only healthy home cooking or being happy and loving all the time, etc. I realized last night that maybe it is the same idea and that once again, maybe it is ok and all the parts of me can exist and I don't have to always be one way. 

My hand lotion has taught me a lesson recently. In the winter I struggle to keep my hands from cracking and bleeding. I also struggle to put lotion on often enough because I usually expect to be washing dishes or my hands right away again so why bother with lotion? I realize that I need to apply lotion as often as I think of it and that the solution will only come through each tiny moment of remembering. The same is true of being the loving mother I want to be. It is made up of each tiny moment. It isn't something I can achieve in one lump. Each tiny moment of remembering lotion or love can be celebrated as a step forward. If I forget lotion or forget the love in some moments it doesn't undo the times I remember. 

Carl pointed out that in just over two years we will have a ten year old (Sarah turns 8 at the end of January). I don't know how to spell the sound of air being sucked out of me and feeling internally thrown backward. I'm also not sure why this is such a stunning revelation, but it is. It is moments likes these where I feel like I am standing on the top of a windy mountain ridge and I can look one way and see an abyss of how far behind Sarah is compared to her age peers, and I see my fears of messing up with this path we are on as if we will fall later because of my choices now. If I turn the other way I see how far we have come and how this is the best path I know and that if my choices now mean homeschooling for Sarah's whole school career then I will do it. It is the choice of comparing to some norm or should about what age indicates, verses being present and moving forward peacefully from where we are. It is such a strange sensation to see the veil between my choices of thoughts. It is not always so clear.

May your veils be thin and your choices clear and peaceful.

November 16

We have had many amazing moments this week. 

The last night that Mom-Mom and Pop-Pop were visiting, they played with the girls and Carl with toy cars that can zoom forward if you first drive them backward. I was at Zumba, but apparently Sarah's involvement was focused and relational, so that everyone was really playing a racing game together, rather than Sarah being focused on the cars to the exclusion of everyone else. These cars are a new favorite, especially because the doors open and close, and often Sarah does ism fairly exclusively with them. 

During Carl's SR session, he and Sarah built tunnels for the cars to drive through and Sarah followed his instructions and copied the initial design that he built. During my session I attempted to add in drawing a road with stoplights to color. Sarah did participate but it felt like a bit more work on my part to encourage the participation. She wanted to move on to playing with pictures of flags, which turned into a small history lesson about the numbers of stars and stripes in the past and on our current flag. I'm not sure how much she retained, but I felt like she was listening and I felt pleased that we could work in history connected with one of her great loves.

I realized that while I may not be the best at following someone else's curriculum or coming up with my own, I am really good at thinking on my feet to weave in all sorts of academic skill practice based on whatever Sarah wants to do.

I refreshed some of the toys in the Sarah-Rise room and during L.'s session she brought down the math flash cards from Handwriting Without Tears, which Sarah hadn't played with for months. L. said that Sarah eagerly and diligently started going through the cards, tracing the numbers with her finger and then counting the objects on the opposite side. Sarah went through the whole deck and would have done more if we had them. 

Sonia had the idea to give Sarah measurable tasks now and then again at the end of the school year. I gave Sarah a choice during one of my sessions about which kind of activity she wanted to do. She chose cutting. I drew a few straight lines across a page and asked her to cut following the lines. She cut a straight line that wasn't on a drawn line and then did some attempts to follow the lines. This by itself seemed amazing to me. Then she wanted to keep cutting so I took a new piece of paper and drew three straight lines across it and asked again if she could cut following the lines. This time she did it perfectly all by herself!!!!! I had no idea she had this level of skill. Doing anything beyond a straight line, such as a zigzag or curve, is now the challenge. 

Sarah had a session with one of our new volunteers, J., and she was saying "the curtains are closed." He wasn't understanding the word "curtains" so after a few attempts Sarah said, "the shutters are closed." I didn't even know she knew that word! I often think that what we are aiming for is to smart-up our time with her, rather than ever dumbing-down. The more varied our vocabulary the better. I love that Sarah had the calm, thoughtful, flexibility and the determination to be understood that allowed her to think of saying shutters.

We have been working with Sarah to say "yes" instead of "yeah" because sometimes her "yeah" can almost sound like "no." When she says "yes" clearly we often celebrate. Amy, who is just starting to be able to pronounce "s" but only if you don't draw any attention to this fact, has started saying, "Hara, you did a really good job haying 'es.'" Amy now gets the "s" sound in maybe 1/2 of her words. I am so curious about what will happen to how she says Sarah's name. I love how Amy currently says, "Hara," as if calling Sarah the energy center of a person's body.

Yesterday I received a large empty basket that I thought would be perfect for the girls to store toys in and help keep the family room clean. Amy had another vision. She rapidly filled it with all sorts of things (socks, undies, stuffed animals, steppin' stones, toy cups, a plethora of small toys, pajamas, and dress-up clothing). She told me she was packing for a trip and that then she and Hello Kitty were going to sit in the egg chair and pretend to drive somewhere.

Last night when Carl was helping the girls get ready for bed, he picked up Sarah, counted to three, and tossed her on the bed. Sarah immediately returned to him, backing into him, and saying, "one, one two three again." After giving the girls several turns each, Carl said he was done. The girls then picked up stuffed animals and started counting and tossing the animals on the bed.

Yesterday morning I got out supplies for the girls to do an art project with craypas and watercolors. Amy, who loves to color, immediately got down to business. Sarah did a few cursory scribbles but mainly wanted to hold a handful of craypas and then slide new craypas into the bundle in her hand. While I usually allow this, I also usually feel disappointed that she isn't doing the activity I envisioned. Yesterday I was able to truly let go of judgement and I felt peaceful acceptance about what Sarah wanted to do. Both girls then added water color to their work and then we moved on with our day. Two hours later, Sarah independently returned to the art table and asked me for new paper. She proceeded to color with intention and focus. Wow. 

I spoke to Sarah's naturopath about the most recent test to see how her body is doing. We still have a long way to go, but progress has been made! The doctor said if we consider that when we started we had 100% of the way to go, now we have about 80% of the way to go. Speaking of our food journey, a reader asked me if I would write about the dietary changes we have made for Sarah and what results we have seen. Here is our journey in a nutshell...

Diagnosed before age 1 as Failure to Thrive, Sarah was also diagnosed with mild acid reflux. She was put on medications for acid reflux and constipation, and she was given an appetite stimulant. We fed Sarah the highest calorie foods I could find, with no regard to health because my main concern was getting calories and avoiding a feeding tube and I did the best I knew to do at the time. For years her food involved adding powdered oil and other calorie supplements to her food in addition to giving her fortified drinks. I plied her with fast food fries and donuts and she ate butter pats straight. We always had at least 10 pints of ice cream in the house, but only the highest calorie varieties. I used to sing in trade for bites. I used to walk her in a stroller or drive for an hour at at time just because she ate better in those situations.

When we started Son-Rise, I spoke to other parents about GAPS I decided to try it after about a year of our SR program. Son-Rise helped me have the courage and framework to change the eating of the whole family radically. Having Sonia by my side for it was enormously helpful. It is a ton of kitchen work. I am in awe of parents who do this who don't have as much help as I do.

I phased out junk food and didn't re-buy when we ran out of favored items. I put the whole family on full GAPS. Then I took Sarah down to the intro level and initially progressed under the guidance of a GAPS practitioner.  It was 2 steps forward and 1 step back and it continues to feel that way but overall we are in a much healthier place. Sarah is off of all medications and she gains weight slowly but steadily and healthily. I no longer worry about her calorie intake or weight gain. Her bowel movements are mostly regular but I still have to make sure she gets the right balance of foods and enough water. and time to sit on the toilet while we read to her. She eats a mostly full GAPS diet but with these variations: she eats rice or rice pasta maybe once a month, she eats sweet potato and white potatoes a couple times a month, she eats chocolate (as long as I make it myself with raw cocao powder), and she has soy yogurt a couple times a week, she eats no dairy and no eggs. 

We are working with a naturopath and did testing on various bodily outputs. The results showed that Sarah was not absorbing nutrients from her food well nor was she detoxing well. She has a leaky gut and is missing some gut flora. We learned that she is allergic to eggs and dairy so she doesn't get any of those anymore. Now I make soy yogurt (another departure from GAPS). We gave (and give) her lots of supplements (probiotics, fish oil, digestive enzymes, electrolytes, a custom vitamin, and a custom amino acid blend). There may have been skin rashes in response to some of the supplements or it could have been bad coincidental timing and due to something else yet undetermined. Certain supplements may or may not lead to some disfluency in Sarah's speech. There are too many factors and not enough clear data, but it is one of my hypotheses. It seems best for Sarah not to do chewable enzymes but just to swallow a pill. Luckily she is amazing at swallowing pills. 

We did not see huge behavioral changes as some families notice, but I am still glad to have Sarah and the whole family eating more healthily. A summary of Sarah's current diet: grain-free with the exception of occasional rice, dairy-free, egg-free, refined-sugar-free. I make almost all of her food myself from scratch. I track her food daily as I have been for almost two years.

My most recent Alexander Technique reading of Indirect Procedures by Pedro de Alcantara had the following line, "The Technique is not about keeping your balance, but about losing it and not being disturbed by this loss. To work on yourself is to work willingly and gladly for ways of losing your balance and dealing with it." I love the perspective of gladness. So often with the food journey I get frustrated by what I see as set backs. Maybe I could be glad for the questions and the information that we do gain. Maybe I could also approach my emotional struggles with gladness rather than thinking I should maintain more balance than I do. Every loss of equilibrium in whatever realm, if followed by more understanding as that equilibrium is rediscovered, is a gain. And all of this certainly keeps life interesting. (Remind me later that I have said this!)

November 9

One of our volunteers, N., has felt like Sarah is clearer each week in her communication, both in terms of pronunciation and also in terms of her thoughts. Awesome!

There are some words where Sarah loses her clarity because she gets so excited. I often request that she slow down a tiny bit so we can understand her better and she almost always can do this. Her willingness to practice language has always been and continues to be amazing. G. figured out that she maintained more clarity with words similar to bicycle rather than bicycle itself, since that is her favorite word of late. They did lots of practicing with motorcycle, unicycle, and tricycle. 

Last weekend Sarah was sitting on Carl's lap and they were watching a video of a light show set to music. As is customary, Sarah's jaw and hands were moving excitedly and there was rigidity in her whole body. Carl started counting out a beat and moving her arms to it. After about 10 minutes, she was much more relaxed through her whole body and he was able to stop the movements and she stayed relaxed. She was still watching but somehow she was able to process the information more easily. 

One of Sarah's current favorite books is a Dora book. One page has the numbers 1-7 written and the idea is to count in Spanish. One evening, totally independently and with no prompting, Sarah counted 1-7 in Spanish, correctly, while pointing at the numbers. Holy moly! We never thought to focus on more than English for Sarah, since getting one language seemed miraculous enough. Now she is easily incorporating parts of a second language without us even trying! 

Mom-Mom and Pop-Pop are visiting and Sarah is loving pretending to be a crying baby who receives comfort from her grandparents, especially Pop-Pop. For all of the most recent grandparent visits, Sarah has wanted to pretend to cry while snuggling into her grandfathers, all 3 of them plus her great-grandfather. During this visit, when she is done in  the SR room or sleeping, as she comes downstairs she says, "Pop-Pop, Pop-Pop, Pop-Pop."

My headaches seem to be gone (shhh. knock on wood. yay). This is probably a combination of timing, medication, and figuring out that for whatever reason I should not sleep on my right side during cluster headache season. 

When Sarah is focused she can do many things correctly and seemingly easily. When she is not focused then she struggles to do the very same things correctly and if you didn't know she could do whatever skill then you would think she couldn't do it. For example, we have a game called Quack Quack. There are 8 little flat wooden animals, each made up of a unique combination of 3 colors. There are 3 dice and when you roll you look for the animal that matches the color combination of the dice. Sarah and I play a little less competitively than the rules dictate so we just take turns rolling and finding animals. The last time we played she found her first 3 animals quickly and correctly on her first pick. For her last turn she was in theory focused on the game with her body and head orientation but her focus was not actually there anymore and she couldn't get the last animal at all. She kept picking animals that weren't right. If she hadn't done her first three turns so cleanly then I would just think the game was too challenging. Maybe she used up her focusing oomph or maybe she just lost interest. I'm not sure. She has skills, it is just a matter of harnessing the right moment and environment for her abilities to shine. 

Whenever people ask me how home schooling is going I pause and say that I think it is going ok. Inwardly I think, "Ack, I'm still not sure! we don't do lots of academics." But I also think, I've been rocking this whole home schooling thing for 3 years in the form of Sarah-Rise. Am I getting in tons of academics? No. Am I addressing Sarah's special needs and trying to help her strengthen the clarity of her language, her social connection, her attention span, her ability to focus, her ability to digest her food well and process it daily, and a little reading, writing, and math? Absolutely. I feel like a split pie where half is uncertain and panicky and hoping for approval from the societal powers-that-be. The other half is capable, confident, and perhaps a bit mama-bear defensive wanting to roar out our accomplishments and knowing that Carl and I are the powers-that-be that should have the ultimate say in what helps our daughter the most. So, homeschooling from the viewpoint of adding new components to our SR program, is going sort of stiltingly and slowly. Homeschooling from the viewpoint that that is what we have been doing already just not in name until now, is going beautifully and we have an amazing team to do it.

I have also been feeling like a split pie in terms of how to take care of myself. Half of the time I want to (but rarely do) hide in a room by myself and not be with my kids. The other half of the time I think the answer is to be in the SR room. I guess either one eliminates the daily grind of whining, yelling kids who don't listen to what I say. In the SR room I am able to roll with Sarah not wanting to do what I suggest. That is the framework and I can easily let go and creatively try in new ways. Outside the room I have more distractions and things I "should" do so I don't roll with resistance very easily, to put it mildly. I haven't been in the SR room a ton lately, but when I am in there I often have a meta awareness that I am really really good at it. Maybe I just want to feel good about what I do and like I know what I'm doing. In the SR room or on my own or at my office giving massages, I can feel more in charge of my life and more confident in my abilities. In the rest of parenting life I do not have that ease and confidence as often as I would like. I think it is time to do more outsourcing when possible, letting Carl and Sonia handle the areas where I feel like giving up or yelling. It is at least time to take more breaks and get more sleep. I seem to learn this lesson over and over again. Maybe it is like Sarah with the Quack Quack game. Sometimes I totally rock it and clearly navigate to the right answer and other times I lose my oomph and my focus and can't move forward clearly for the life of me. I have skills, it is just a matter of harnessing the right moment and environment for my abilities to shine. Well, like daughter like mother.

November 2

I have been feeling much better compared to last week! Thank you for the well-wishes. My headaches aren't gone but sometimes I get two nights off in a row and feel like a normal person.

This week, Carl and I had SR sessions that were totally awesome in terms of engaged play combined with practicing various skills (coloring, cutting, taping, planning, and copying and making shapes). Upon my entering the room Wednesday, Sarah started saying "a bicycle!" in her usual super excited way. I got out paper and markers and asked if she could draw two circles to be the wheels of a bicycle. She did. I drew a seat and asked her to draw lines connecting the seat to the wheels. She did this but had trouble following my actual directions. I added a stick figure Sarah and asked her to add hair and a helmet. She added both in scribbly crazy ways, but with clear intentions. I drew spaces so she could write her name and she did so with my prompting, though not getting the letters in the designated spot. Her S continues to be backwards a lot. I used an idea from the group meeting of drawing dotted lines for letters and having the marker be a bike and she had to stay on the path. She readily attempted but went off the path many a time. I think she veered off not to get my fun reaction of falling over but just because it is still a big challenge. We did some letters together. Then I asked her to draw a bush on a new piece of paper because she had been talking about a bush (a bike running into a bush). She drew quite a lot of stuff that was unclear in subject matter but very clear in intention. I drew a large bike seat and she decorated it. Then I got scissors and she cut out the seat while I steered the paper. Then we used magnetic Handwriting Without Tears pieces to build a bike. I made a wheel with spokes and asked her to make one too. She made a very good attempt. Then I gave her small arches to be pedals. Then I made a scooter and kept falling off.  Carl's Thursday morning session built upon my session. He and Sarah made a bike out of large stacking bricks and planks! Sarah had to get the bike the right height for the seat. She said it needed handle bars so Carl added those. Then he put the blue boards against the bike and asked Sarah to add wheels. Then she said it needed a light stick. Carl drew a rectangle on paper. Sarah colored it and cut it out by herself (entirely) and taped it to the back of the bike by herself! Then they practiced directions as she pretended to bike around. This amazingness was following a royal flop on Tuesday morning of my printing pages about Pennsylvania for both girls to color. Amy loved it and Sarah would have none of it. I cried and felt helpless and hopeless and then realized that this totally proved why Sarah needs a special home schooling situation and not a typical school situation. The SR sessions proved to me how awesome we can be at teaching Sarah when we follow her motivation and have a low--distraction environment.

For Halloween, both girls were Dora the Explorer. Carl was The Map. I was going to be the Grumpy Old Troll but didn't get that costume made (though I have the personality down pat) so I just went with a dirndl that my mom got when she was in high school (I think). I pretended to be a dairy maid who had lost her cow and needed Dora's help. Sarah loved Carl as The Map. Amy wouldn't touch him!

In past years, Sarah's trick or treating has mainly involved wanting to go into houses. This year she still had some of that desire but was also interested in getting candy. Two years ago her favorite treat was a pencil. Last year she sometimes tried to put candy from her basket into the baskets of the people handing out candy. This year she came home with a much bigger haul than what Amy collected! At our house, we gave out toy spiders and skeletons. To trade for the girls' bounty, I made chocolates in all sorts of shapes and wrapped them in aluminum foil. I also had maple sugar candy that the girls could have and mini pumpkin pies with whipped coconut cream. Luckily, once they started on the goods that I prepared all was well. Sarah seemed totally fine with the whole deal. Amy really wanted to have what she received in her pumpkin basket. Technically, Amy could have it, but I wanted the girls to have the same treats and I don't think Sarah's body is yet ready for typical Halloween candy. I was a bit concerned that giving them treats first would mean they wouldn't eat dinner but when I brought out roasted chicken they dove in with as much exuberance as when I held the bags of chocolates.

The beginning of November marks the official 3 year anniversary of our Sarah-Rise Program.

3 years ago: Sarah had a handful of complete words, she could sign, and she could say the first sound of many words. She was not potty trained. She did not play imaginatively. She ate mostly junk food (ice cream, fries, donuts, butter pats). She was on some medication to help with appetite and digestion.

Now: Sarah speaks in sentences that most people can understand. She sings. She plays imaginatively. She is potty trained. She eats healthy, homemade foods. She is off all medication. Her physical abilities have increased (running, jumping, flipping around a gymnastics bar, riding a tricycle and a bike with training wheels). Her attention span and eye contact have increased. She is learning to read and write. She is learning to use scissors. She is beginning to learn some math.

Sarah's prowess in screaming has been a bit of a constant. This past week it seems to have increased. I'm not sure whether it is the chicken or the egg that I have had less space to deal with it gracefully or proactively. Sometimes I really don't enjoy being a mom or being here with the screaming. And sometimes it is pure heaven to have both girls climbing on me, Sarah giving me chin presses, Amy touching my face gently with her palm, and Sarah giving me kisses while Amy says, "Mom, I love you." Thank goodness for the balance. Even on the hard days I try to remember how healthy we probably all are, how much loving one on one time Sarah gets thanks to our amazing team of volunteers, how much our life is richly full and loving even when I might not meet my ideal standards at every moment (or at hardly any moment). We have a really amazing life.

Thank you all for being part of our amazing life!

October 25

This week seems like it contained years. I feel like I have been through the wringer. My headaches got much worse in their severity and duration. I decided I could no longer continue without medication so I have started on meds and I think they are already helping lessen the severity, though I have yet to stop the cluster. Mostly due to headaches and somewhat due to kids, my sleep of late has been extremely disrupted and of small quantity some nights. I think there was a span of 6 nights in which 3 nights held only patchy 4 hours of sleep, coupled with hours of awake pain. This by itself would be enough to have things feel hard, but what really made this week hard was saying goodbye to Flint. In his final days I felt quite anxious about how to best help him. His back legs had stopped working so he couldn't really move himself around, though he tried. On Thursday, Sonia and A. took the girls out for a field trip. We explained that when they returned Flint would no longer be here. They both told him goodbye and that they loved him. The vet came to our house so Flint had his last moments on the sofa between Carl and me. 

Losing Flint has been a much harder, sadder, bigger deal than I anticipated. I knew I would be sad but I didn't predict how the sadness would come unexpectedly, such as when I realized I didn't have to block the spare car seat so Flint wouldn't pee on it. I didn't realize how much I expect his presence in the evenings or how habitually I look for him in his usual places. He was with us for 15 years. Our house was never empty. Now when we are all out, the house is empty. To tell you a bit about him... he loved lettuce. It was his favorite treat aside from the dried tops of corn husks, for which he would nearly go berserk. He wasn't so much of a lap cat, but more of a on-the-left cat. He always wanted to sit on our left. When he was a kitten, he and Carl used to battle regarding his water dish. Flint would always spill water so Carl kept trying new ways to make the water dish stable. Once, Carl put the water dish inside a dish pan. Somehow, Flint got the water dish outside of the dishpan, without spilling water! When we found Flint, we assumed that he was not available for adoption because he was so clearly (to us) the most ideal cat in the store (a store where the owner took in strays and got them ready for adoption). Aside from puking on our natural-fiber white carpet, he is still my ideal cat and I miss him terribly. Somehow I am surprised that all of the sympathy posts on Facebook and all of my tears have not brought him back to life. 

Early in the week we had a super wonderful thing. A beloved volunteer from a year ago returned after a year abroad! She noted Sarah's increased attention span and how much more language clarity and vocabulary Sarah has compared to a year ago. Sarah remembered things specific to Sc. that she hadn't talked about in over a year. 

This weekend Sarah is getting Anat Baniel Method lessons, which she has received since she was a baby. Today she told me clearly that she didn't want me in the room during her lesson (this is awesome). She eagerly climbed onto the table, ready to watch buses while the lesson progressed. 

Sarah has been giving me lots of kisses this week. It almost seems like an interactive ism, but I will totally take it!

Today I felt a bit judgy towards Sarah. I am aware that this is probably mostly due to my own hard week and not really much to do with Sarah. We also attended two parties today. Parties, for me, are always part fun and part stressful vigilance to make sure Sarah doesn't eat something she's not supposed to or doesn't leave or get hurt. I am much less vigilant regarding Amy. The parties went well and everyone had a good time and it was also good that I was vigilant or else Sarah would have eaten a wheat cracker, maybe had cow milk, probably walked off down the sidewalk away from the party without adult supervision, and possibly picked up a pumpkin basket containing a lit candle. On the plus side, the girls helped Carl carve a cat face into our pumpkin. Amy mainly helped scoop out the pumpkin seeds and Sarah helped with the actual carving. 

As I write, I am in pjs and drinking tea, hoping to gentle the judgy grumps out of myself and reinflate myself from the wringer. 

October 19

We have two new volunteers! It is interesting how they seem to come in waves. For a long time I had no one expressing interest and then I had two within a day of each other not only express interest but come for their initial meeting and begin their training. I think I tend to get volunteers when I am really clear in my thinking that I am ready for them and want them in the schedule. The two newbies fit exactly and perfectly into times I had available. 

We spent this weekend at a rental house in the Laurel Highlands celebrating the 95th birthday of the girls' great grandfather H. It was a wonderful and large family gathering with 18 people total. As with almost any event, I experienced moments as awesome and other moments as stressful. I felt like most of my interactions with Sarah were fraught with many "no's" and much yelling as the sum of our expressions. Luckily this was balanced by many sweet kisses that she initiated. I know I give her snuggles and kisses often without noting them, but when she puckers up to deliver a kiss then I definitely take note. So perhaps she will keep me despite my glaring imperfections. Amy and I had sweet snuggles and easy early morning times. Amy and I also had stand-offs involving much sternness, crying, frustration, and chagrin. I am frustrated by how I can go so quickly from realizing I didn't handle something the best to quickly repeating the scenario. I am trying to be gentle with myself and know that the moments of not liking my children or beating up on myself as terrible will pass and that having one night of only 4 hours of sleep due to headaches and children does not make things easier. It isn't an excuse for my grumpiness but it certainly didn't help. 

Of note, Sarah's uncle A. sees her at least once a week and he said he felt like she was speaking more clearly than a week ago.

Also of note, Sonia is awesome. There were many moments when I was on my last shreds of anything resembling patience when she swooped in to take over. 

Of further note, Carl is amazing. He also had more creative space and kindness for the girls when I had lost mine.

Of continuing note, Carl's whole family is really wonderful and I very much enjoy spending time with them. I appreciate how everyone interacts with everyone with kindness. I feel very blessed to be part of this family and I'm glad they seem to want to keep me even when I have my low moments of wondering why anyone would. (yes, I know this is sort of ridiculous, but once a month (yes) I have thoughts of wondering why Carl is with me, etc. The chosen moment for these thoughts this time around was last night so I could expand it by wondering why anyone in the family would want to be associated with such a controlling grumpulup of a mom). 

Fortunately, everyone does seem to be keeping me. Tonight Sarah came over to me as I was feeling tired and uncertain. She put her arm around me and her chin on my head (I was kneeling on the floor putting away some bags) and she said, "want to take care of mom."

We have a new climbing apparatus for the girls. It involves a tall ladder that goes all the way to the clouds we painted on the boards that protect the ceiling. It has rings, a trapeze bar, a rope, and a gymnastics bar. The girls love it, as do we.

October 12

Flint is doing much better! He is still old and he still has cancer, but he no longer seems to be at death's door. Last night he even got up on his cat perch in our bedroom for the first time in over a week. Thank you all for your good thoughts.

Overall I've been feeling so grateful for all of the support I have in my life from so many different sources. For instance, the woman who cleans my house is so thoughtful and kind towards our whole family. She always makes time to say hello to the girls and she often arranges the spongey bath letters to spell a message for the girls. I love that so many people who enter our house do so with such good intentions and good energy.

On Tuesday we went to a volleyball game to see one of our volunteers and a friend of the family. It was nice to have my friend's help to keep Sarah in the bleachers. The most wonderful moment was when our volunteer, M., saw Sarah and rushed over to greet Sarah (and all of us) with love and delight in her whole being. There is nothing better than seeing someone interact with my child with such joy and love. The girls both cheered, "Go M!" during the game, though not necessarily at an audible volume.

For most of the week I felt like I was really in the groove for responding to yelling with calmness. It was as if I truly understood that the fastest way to get what I wanted was to stay calm, kind, and upbeat. Friday evening this fresh perspective started deteriorating and by last night I was back to full-on frustration and yelling at them. This is where my cluster headaches came to my aid.

For most of the week when I had cluster headaches I was remembering not to do any massage on my own muscles and to just think my Alexander Technique directions. Then there was one headache where I just didn't follow my own rules. Early in the week I gave up on being gluten-free and chocolate-free because it wasn't seeming to make a difference and in the wee hours when I am sick with pain then the only thing tolerable is toast. With the worst headache yet of this cluster, I began massaging my own muscles. It always seems to help at first and then I use too much pressure and make it worse. This time I recognized it and eased up on the pressure. But still. I lost my intentions. The headache was bad and lasted a long time. 

Yesterday I had an amazing Alexander Technique class with my teacher and I felt like I understood something more fully than ever before about really supporting my body in 3D and that to support my arm structure I really need my whole torso involved. While the words seem the same as ones I have used before, this understanding was experientially different. I start with thinking about my top vertebra supporting my head and then my cervical spine and then my thoracic spine, etc. It is as if I am building the support and only moving lower when I really feel it at the top. Last night I had two headaches and with the first I was able to get it cleared within 20 minutes of solid AT thinking. With the second headache the pain was a bit more intense and I saw myself heading down the customary road of constant movement and wanting to do massage. I stopped myself and did my newest AT thinking. Within a minute the pain was more tolerable. The headache itself lasted a couple hours but in a manageable way. This is so awesome. What is extra exciting was my realization that just as with some headaches I lose my intentions and do what I know isn't the best because at the time I feel like I have no other recourse, so too with my parenting moments of yelling. It is all ok. I can just get back on the horse of my intentions that do seem more effective. And I can be gentle with myself for the times where I feel trapped and desperately do whatever I can, even when it isn't helpful or effective. I am just doing my best and oh what a painful, tight spot that must be either physically or mentally for me to flail about with old habits. My headache experience is helping me let it all go and move on. 

While this may seem absurd to deal with the headache pain, I learn so much from the experience, especially this time around. Another realization that I had midweek was how I was getting scared about the pain and tightening my whole being against possible future pain. This fear is the worst part of clusters for me because it robs me of my joy in life. So this time around I had that fear and tension for a couple days and then I saw what I was doing and let it go. I think I am either 1/2 or 1/3 of the way through the cluster so I think I can really make it. 

My AT experience helped me think more clearly about Sarah and Amy too. I want to support them so fully from the bottom up that our interactions are as harmonious as possible. I think this is what we have been doing (or attempting) but thinking about it in this way helps affirm my perspective (not that this was clear last night when I yelled, but as I said, that was a moment where I didn't feel like I could think clearly or flexibly. That doesn't mean I can't reclaim my clear, flexible, supportive thinking today.) What a gift the Alexander Technique and my wonderful teachers continue to be.

Lots of love and full 3D support to all of you.

October 5

We just had a lovely visit with Grammy and Granddad. Sarah spent almost the entire visit glued to Granddad. In the past this used to mostly involve chin presses to his forehead and buttoning and unbuttoning his shirt (great from an OT perspective of fine motor skills). For this visit Sarah started doing a lot of what she has done occasionally post-bedtime with me. She says calmly that she wants to cry, usually while she is already being held. Then she sort of does a fake cry. I think that she wants the snuggling closeness. I keep reminding her that she can just say she wants to be held or to snuggle and that she doesn't have to be crying. With Granddad, she did the "want to cry" and snuggling a lot. She also did some snuggling on Grammy's lap. I'm not quite sure what it means and maybe I don't have to know. 

Amy was very excited about the moose stuffed animals that Grammy brought. Amy named them Moosie and Clara (she names almost everything Clara) but then could never tell them apart so Grammy would pretend to listen to what each moose said. Amy loved this. Hopefully Amy will believe that Carl and I can interpret moose-ese as well as Grammy.

Grammy and Granddad said they noticed an improvement in Sarah's language from when they last saw her in July, and in Amy's language too for that matter. For Amy this is a given, as it perhaps is with Sarah, but I want to remember to notice it as notable just the same.

Sonia has been reading Raun Kaufman's book Autism Breakthrough, which I read a few months ago. It is wonderful to get Sonia's reminders and refreshers about what he says. She has been doing a beautiful job implementing the Son-Rise suggestions of how to respond to yelling/whining/screaming, etc. While I have read the suggestions multiple times and listened to the suggestions multiple times, I have still felt challenged about actually implementing it myself. Being able to watch Sonia do it so cleanly and clearly has helped me. Yesterday for the first half of the day I totally rocked it. And then I totally didn't. Oh well. Thank goodness for help and for other people being better at things than I am so I can learn from them.

The girls have gotten so good at flipping and swinging and climbing the trampoline bar that they have outgrown it. I'm sure they would beg to differ, but yesterday we had an unfortunate moment of imbalance and the trampoline tipped over. No one was seriously hurt, but it showed me something had to change. For now, the trampoline has been put away. I am a bit sad about this since Sarah was just starting to practice doing her usual flip in reverse. However, it isn't feasible to keep the trampoline accessible when it now would need constant adult supervision to make sure only one kid used it at at time and that no one tipped the whole thing. 

Regarding my cluster headaches... I am trying a new approach. In some ways I always do a slightly new approach whenever I get them, but this feels really different. I am not freaking out. I have not started western meds. I haven't ruled them out, but I am giving myself some time to try some things I haven't. (Before being diagnosed I dealt with clusters for roughly 10 years without meds). I am taking magnesium and continuing with melatonin. I am cutting gluten and chocolate and any take-out. I am avoiding even the processed meats that I have approved of before (eg. Applegate Organics Hot Dogs). In the past I always thought that my food choices couldn't be to blame because I eat about the same all year long and the headaches only happen some of the time. But what if this is just a different time and so I need to make different food choices? What if the headaches could be related to inflammation in response to gluten? What if I get a bit under-hydrated and then when things are stressful I often do more take-out and less home-cooked food which makes me further dehydrated? What if that is enough to keep the cycle of headaches going? It certainly can't hurt me to make sure I am hydrated and eating even more healthily than usual. It can't hurt to make sure I get enough sleep, which I am now doing to the extent I can control it. Last week I got two deep tissue massages and on Tuesday I will get an acupuncture treatment. I have certainly received plenty of bodywork during past clusters, but not scheduled so close together. I am wanting to bombard my body with good care. I have found from past experience that working on my trigger points and tight muscles myself actually does not help. Someone else can do it and it will help but when I work on myself I either tense other parts of myself too much or I use too much pressure or something. When I do wake with a headache now I let myself sit up or I lie still and think through Alexander's directions. I don't allow myself to do any massage. I remind myself that it will pass. When I go to bed at night I remind myself that it will be ok to wake with a headache. I even had the radical idea of being excited to be in this cluster and that I could be excited to wake with a headache. I know this may sound ludicrous, but dreading and hating the headaches certainly hasn't worked for me. Being excited to be in the cluster so far helps me stay more relaxed overall and more joyful. They aren't taking over my life. They also have been pretty mild so far. Is the mildness because some of them are just mild? Or is it my different choices (not all of which were implemented immediately)? I don't know how this experience will continue but I am optimistic for the actual experience and for the implications of meeting such a challenge in such a different way than usual. 

Our sweet cat Flint is in the final stage of his life. I'm not sure what kind of timing this means. Any healing thoughts you can send him are much appreciated. My hope is for him to be happy and peaceful, whether he is with us or leaving us. For all that I haven't been as attentive to him as I was before we had kids, I do love him and sometimes find this very very hard. I would love for him to start eating and drinking more, using his litterbox more, and even having the tumors shrink (if we are going for the gold in what we imagine). I would love for him to sit next to me on the sofa and sit in his favorite spots in my bedroom.

As I write, Sarah is having a very screamy time getting ready for the day. While she protests about getting dressed and a million other things, she often is very eager to get ready when a volunteer is coming. I am so tired of the screamies. I want to overpower them with my own force but I keep learning that this doesn't work long term. I am trying to meet it with softness and creativity (though I often feel like a hypocrite for how often I write this and advocate it and how often I do the opposite). At the moment I am meeting it with my absence and letting the amazing, creative Carl be with her. I am reminding myself that it is ok if she isn't dressed and is still upset when N. arrives. That can be part of the program. If you are spending a moment sending good thoughts to Flint, if you could also send some thoughts towards helping us (me) have more space for Sarah and helping her have an easier time with everything that would be great. Thank you.

September 28

I've been thinking about pretending. The girls recently walked around the block riding small broomsticks. Amy started making monkey sounds and saying she was a monkey. Sarah heard this and started doing the same thing. At other times Amy says she is a cat. How easily and often kids pretend! Adults do too, I think, but we forget that we are pretending. 

I am trying to sort out how I can honor my experience of something as being overwhelming (or any other emotion) while at the same time giving myself wiggle room to pretend I am not overwhelmed by such things. Maybe I initially was overwhelmed by a situation with lots of commotion and then in recognizing that, it became my story and then I locked myself in. In college, I had a role in a play where I did the opening monologue and then during intermission I did improv interactions with the audience. I was nervous before the play began, but to get in character I had to pretend I wasn't nervous because my character was not nervous. Pretending I wasn't nervous helped me actually let go of my nervousness. So... what if I could pretend that I wasn't overwhelmed by lots of kids yelling or by the idea of home schooling, etc? What if I could pretend to be a mom who didn't resort to anger as a means of controlling my kids sometimes? Would such pretense actually help change the situation? maybe. 

Sarah is doing beautifully with using fuller sentences. I feel like whenever we have a precise language goal it is really easy for me (and others) to work towards it and Sarah excels at language practice. My consultation with M. helped me think about going towards academic goals with the same precision. For instance, instead of just wanting to help her practice writing, our goal could be to help her write her name clearly and with appropriately sized letters in the right order. 

Sometimes Sarah's sensitivity and awareness blow me away. Last night I had my first official cluster headache (CH) in over a year. #(*%&%&$#)((!!!!!!!!! I knew that this was a possibility because of the time of year and my past history with CH, but I was still very disappointed. I have been diligently working on relaxing my jaw and tongue and eye muscles way more often than usual. I have been making choices to be less stressed. I thought this would be enough, but it wasn't. I was up in the night with a headache (mild for a CH but still no picnic) and I still have a whisper of it today. I feel tired and sad and disappointed. When I told Carl about it I started crying. Sarah came in from wherever she had been and stood next to me. Then she said, "Mom feeling sad" and climbed on my lap. She gave me chin presses, looked gently into my eyes, wiped a tear off my cheek, and then stayed snuggled on my lap for maybe half an hour. She seemed so aware of the situation and so kind. 

Most of the word repetition disfluency that we had been noticing has gone away. I'm not sure when it stopped, but I am now considering that maybe it was related to a supplement. Sometimes when the skin on Sarah's fingers gets unhappy and unhealthy then I stop some supplements (whatever was new and the digestive enzymes because she likes to have her fingers in her mouth while she chews the enzymes, which doesn't seem like a good idea). The only way to really know is to get her back on the enzymes and newer supplements and see if the disfluency returns. Maybe it has nothing to do with supplements and is more about her learning whatever new skill she had been learning that meant her language took a small stumble. 

One thing I've been appreciating lately is that when I go to bed I am often feeling excited about seeing the girls in the morning. 

Our field trip this week was to go downtown to see a fountain and tall buildings. Then we went to a restaurant where I was pretty sure we could get something Sarah could eat. I had to bend the food restrictions a very tiny bit but not badly. 

Overall, I think Sarah is doing marvelously with observing what others are doing and doing the same thing. When I observed for a few minutes at the end of preschool Monday and Wednesday, I saw her easily participating with the class for the game or activity. She answered questions when directly asked! She often picks up on what Amy is doing and does it too. In the SR room with me she has been doing lots of isming with pictures of flags. I have been joining approximately. This means I don't do exactly what she does but I am still giving her space to do her thing and my activity is within the same theme. When she was playing exclusively with all of the flag pictures, I started drawing flags on the chalk board. After several minutes, she picked up some chalk and started coloring on the paper flags! Awesome. Little things like this happen all the time. Approximate joining feels like giving a sideways suggestion instead of a direct suggestion and often it works just as well if not better than a direct suggestion.