December 21

I wanted to end the year's updates with a positive glow, and I will get there, but for starters here is the honest grit...

This week felt hard. At least for several moments sprinkled throughout. I don't know if this was due to a change in the girls' behavior or a change in my ability to handle it. I kept resolving to keep it together the next moment or day and not yell and be mad and disdainful towards my most darling children. And then I would do exactly what I had resolved not to do. I was back to tightly, tautly ignoring and then exploding. Wednesday night I had a glimmer of realizing how I was being played and that perhaps they know exactly what to refuse to do and when to refuse and how to refuse and how to go tautly boneless and which yell to do to get me over the edge. Sigh. Understanding this still hasn't fully fixed matters.

The moments that have helped me... talking to my mom and following her suggestion to watch something with the girls so we could all snuggle easily, talking to Sonia, and talking/grumping/crying with Carl and having him listen and not boot me to the curb (as I thought was called for). Thursday night the mountain of tight, mad rocks that somehow had been amassing under the guise of Jenny finally shifted a bit towards melting. Amy was upset and I held her on my lap and just let myself hold her without needing to fix anything or change anything, but just to be with her and find my own comfort in nuzzling into her neck. We snuggled for several minutes and then I told her how much I loved snuggling with her. Then I listed many of the things I love doing with her or that she does. She seemed very delighted to hear it. After the girls went to bed I tried to keep that relaxed energy while I did some cooking and cleaning. Then I read a blog by one of my Alexander teachers from my training and I melted further into a teary blob, recognizing so much of myself in the descriptions of protective body patterns of some AT students. If you would like to read the blog it can be found here: http://peacefulbodyschool.com/2014/12/19/on-becoming-a-person/

I also recommend his entry on poise.

I think sometimes my impression of a day gets informed by a very small percentage of time. The days that I think are crappy because I yell are informed by the 10% of the time I yell, if that. The rest of the time I am still functioning pretty well, cooking, cleaning, kindly and creatively interacting with the girls, and generally being a nice person. So why does the 10% win on those days? As my mom reminded me, perhaps my standards are a little high. I think that is especially true after some weeks where I felt really in the groove with my intentions so then my disappointment in the change is greater.

I was thinking this morning about why I get mad or defensive in certain situations (such as Amy insisting that she wants the Donald Duck spoon and no substitute). I think I am hoping the anger will protect me. If I start with doubting my answer and when to hold fast to my position versus when to be flexible, then when the whining and complaining starts I doubt myself further and then must dig in my heels and reinforce my trenches with tight low-level anger. Does this actually protect me from anything? Probably not. I think I worry that if I don't have anger then I will always cave and give in to whatever the girls want whenever they want it and they will never grow up to be good, upstanding, responsible citizens who clean up their own messes and are polite. But, again, why the anger to reinforce myself? Maybe because anger feels strong. I often feel unappreciated when they whine. But is that them not appreciating me or me not appreciating me? Maybe both. When I am fully confident in my choices and my contribution to our life then I don't really wonder or care if they appreciate me or not. I definitely get into some fight or flight energy when the pitch of their complaining reaches a certain level. I feel desperate to change the situation and like an animal who must use prickles and roars to do so. 

Upon reading How the Grinch Stole Christmas this year, I fully relate to the Grinch. I am sick of the noise, noise, noise, noise and I want to gather up all our crap and take it to the top of Mt. Crumpit to dump it. When I am mad or tight then my heart is definitely two sizes too small. My struggles have helped me appreciate Carl and Sonia even more than usual because I witness moments with the girls and know that I would take one path (of tight anger) and I see them gracefully take a kinder, calmer path that actually gets the desired result. I am so thankful for their help and guidance. 

Among the wonderful moments this week... We did an art project with beads and string. Amy was delighted and did lots of beads, all with my help. For a long time Sarah didn't want to do any of it. Then she played with the cardboard box the beads came in. Then she wanted to string beads and could actually do some of them without my help! And then she took the beads back off. And then I left the room for a few minutes and came back to beads strewn everywhere. But it was still super exciting to watch Sarah string beads!

We have had several moments of the girls singing together, sometimes with an adult and sometimes not. I love their shared looks of delight when they are enjoying singing or saying a phrase together. 

On Friday we had a visit from a friend. For the first few minutes Sarah didn't really connect or pay her any attention. However, after Amy demonstrated some of her climbing and rope sliding abilities, Sarah was quick to follow. As Sarah climbed and flipped she had an enormous grin and kept checking in with D, as if showing off very consciously. I haven't seen that enormous level of delighted connection around the flipping/climbing before. It was like a little laser beam of radiant joy.

Sarah's favorite item in the SR room lately has been number flashcards. Sonia created a game around Sarah's love of having the cards spread all over the floor. Sonia gives Sarah a task to do at a certain number, such as finding the 10 and touching it with her left pinky finger. Sarah was totally responsive and into this game. I continued it some during my time but when I prompted Sarah to give me a task then the game sort of fell apart. Sarah continues to count the items on the flashcards, trace the numbers, and has done some addition with one of our volunteers. She has let me use the cuisenaire rods a tiny bit in conjunction with the flash cards. 

Sarah's sneakiness continues. She now uses a chair in the SR room to get items down from the shelf when adults aren't around. This is not good because if she pulls wrong on the shelf the whole thing could come down, as I have explained multiple times. There was one day when it was clear she had gotten objects down by herself but the tell-tale chair was not under the shelf. She must have thought to return it to the usual position near the table. 

I used her love of the song "Dixie" ("I wish I was in Dixie, hooray, hooray...") to have an easy hair washing time with her. Amy kept yelling at me to stop singing, but Sarah's energy totally shifted and she didn't mind the experience at all. I used it one morning with getting ready for the day, changing the words to match the moment ("I was I was in clothing"). 

After the success with the bath I was in a relaxed mode about getting the girls ready for bed and so instead of sternly reminding them for the 10th time to put on their undies, I started singing and dancing: "Underpants, dah dah dah dah dah dah dah, underpants!" What I didn't expect was that both girls would not only comply but they started singing too and wanted to keep going. When Carl came home we greeted him by lining up at the bannister and singing the underpants song.

For Sarah's school there were two events that involved treats that she couldn't eat unless I sent in a version just for her. This sort of challenge is often a bit fun for me, especially when I succeed. I did make candy cane cookies, but unfortunately they were all crumbly when it was time to eat. I still count it as a success. On Friday there was a school party involving cupcakes that the kids would frost and decorate with sprinkles. I made cupcakes and sent in the white sweet potato/coconut milk combo as frosting and freeze-dried strawberry powder for sprinkles. Sarah ate every bite. I may be a grumpalupagus sometimes but I will always find a way for Sarah to have the right kind of dessert! Priorities, people! :)

An extra wonderful thing about our team of volunteers is that even when I am struggling, Sarah still receives a ton of love and support. I feel like a runner who finishes the race because she is helped by other runners. And Amy has her BFF in her volunteer M. When I got out piles of the girls' artwork so they could pick items to give as presents, Amy picked her first item and designated it for M. This was entirely Amy's suggestion. I am so grateful to M. for the time she spends with Amy. It is the only time in the week that Amy gets two hours of someone dedicated entirely to her. Our entire team of volunteers is the best gift in the world for our family to receive. Volunteers for Sarah and Amy, past and present, I will love you forever and always to the moon and back. Thank you.

May all of you who are reading this have ease, support, and love surrounding you.