October 19

We have two new volunteers! It is interesting how they seem to come in waves. For a long time I had no one expressing interest and then I had two within a day of each other not only express interest but come for their initial meeting and begin their training. I think I tend to get volunteers when I am really clear in my thinking that I am ready for them and want them in the schedule. The two newbies fit exactly and perfectly into times I had available. 

We spent this weekend at a rental house in the Laurel Highlands celebrating the 95th birthday of the girls' great grandfather H. It was a wonderful and large family gathering with 18 people total. As with almost any event, I experienced moments as awesome and other moments as stressful. I felt like most of my interactions with Sarah were fraught with many "no's" and much yelling as the sum of our expressions. Luckily this was balanced by many sweet kisses that she initiated. I know I give her snuggles and kisses often without noting them, but when she puckers up to deliver a kiss then I definitely take note. So perhaps she will keep me despite my glaring imperfections. Amy and I had sweet snuggles and easy early morning times. Amy and I also had stand-offs involving much sternness, crying, frustration, and chagrin. I am frustrated by how I can go so quickly from realizing I didn't handle something the best to quickly repeating the scenario. I am trying to be gentle with myself and know that the moments of not liking my children or beating up on myself as terrible will pass and that having one night of only 4 hours of sleep due to headaches and children does not make things easier. It isn't an excuse for my grumpiness but it certainly didn't help. 

Of note, Sarah's uncle A. sees her at least once a week and he said he felt like she was speaking more clearly than a week ago.

Also of note, Sonia is awesome. There were many moments when I was on my last shreds of anything resembling patience when she swooped in to take over. 

Of further note, Carl is amazing. He also had more creative space and kindness for the girls when I had lost mine.

Of continuing note, Carl's whole family is really wonderful and I very much enjoy spending time with them. I appreciate how everyone interacts with everyone with kindness. I feel very blessed to be part of this family and I'm glad they seem to want to keep me even when I have my low moments of wondering why anyone would. (yes, I know this is sort of ridiculous, but once a month (yes) I have thoughts of wondering why Carl is with me, etc. The chosen moment for these thoughts this time around was last night so I could expand it by wondering why anyone in the family would want to be associated with such a controlling grumpulup of a mom). 

Fortunately, everyone does seem to be keeping me. Tonight Sarah came over to me as I was feeling tired and uncertain. She put her arm around me and her chin on my head (I was kneeling on the floor putting away some bags) and she said, "want to take care of mom."

We have a new climbing apparatus for the girls. It involves a tall ladder that goes all the way to the clouds we painted on the boards that protect the ceiling. It has rings, a trapeze bar, a rope, and a gymnastics bar. The girls love it, as do we.