April 28

This week we had 28 hours and 15 minutes of official SR time, plus preschool and gymnastics.

It had been a couple weeks since Sonia last went to preschool, since I did the previous two weeks, and she noticed a big improvement in how attentive Sarah was and how little she needed to be redirected. Both of us have noticed how Sarah becomes more exclusive towards the end of the preschool morning. Perhaps her attention muscles are tired or perhaps it is what different activities are possible. Noticing this, I feel affirmed in my decision to continue SR full-time with small bits of a more traditional classroom.

Yesterday we went to a small playground that only had 2 other kids running around. When they were around Sarah and speaking to her it seemed that she was both excited (clothes, shoes, kids) and perhaps a bit overwhelmed. After that bit of interaction she pushed the stroller back and forth for a long time. Not that pushing a stroller is bad, but I think it is maybe information about when she wants to do something more in her comfort zone. After a lot of intense anything I certainly like relaxing a bit by reading Facebook. Maybe some of Sarah's isms are similar. 

In the past week Sarah has done more isming in the SR room than I have experienced in a while. I'm not sure if this is delayed processing of the hospital experience or any of her new achievements or if it is just that there are some items that are so awesome that there is no reason to move beyond opening and closing a box or flipping through a new book with smiley faces and dotted lines. The caveat to all of my musings is that I am really making all of this up. Certainly my thoughts might be well-founded, but I am still really guessing at reasons and explanations. So take all of my thoughts with a few grains of Celtic sea salt.

Mom-Mom and Pop-Pop noted that during their visit Sarah had fewer tantrums than they remember from the past. It's helpful to have that perspective since I tend to notice that there are still tantrums at all.

Grandma is visiting this weekend, helping with childcare, yard care, and house care. She has noticed how much more Sarah is saying and the increase in clarity. 

We have been asking Sarah to help with small tasks more often and she is in turn asking to help more often. She mainly likes to help with food preparation. Meanwhile, Amy loves helping so much that we sometimes have to make up tasks for her to do. It seems that Amy would rather help than do anything else. Amy does a task and then comes back with "more hepine." (more helping). Sarah now does the juicing almost every morning. She also helps make her milkshakes and stir soup. And both girls help with making cookie dough (egg, coconut flour, almond or cashew butter).

Sarah loves eating roasted beets (roasted in coconut oil). One morning she had finished her beets and wanted more. She had some meat on her plate. I asked if she wanted to trade a couple of beets for a couple of bites of meat. She responded "trade puh-late" (trade plate). I love it whenever she responds in a way that shows she really understands something. 

Wednesday night, Sarah spontaneously picked up one crayon and said "have one." Then she picked up another and said "have two." Then another and "have three." Then another and "have four." Wow!!! To me, this means that she is really starting to understand counting and numbers beyond having the order of numbers memorized. 

Sometimes going out in public and noticing the differences between typical kids and Sarah can still be fodder for my judgements and worries. At those times I can begin to wonder if part of why I've been happier since starting SR is that we don't go out as often and that I have more help. I know I have also shifted some beliefs to help me love things just as they are, but I clearly haven't fully cleared all of my various beliefs about how things should be. 

I am also quite aware that I have monthly visits to certain thoughts and beliefs. Usually about once a month (yes) I have a tailspin of being a bit more grumpy/tight/controlling and wondering why Carl is with me because I am such pond scum and is he so awesome, blah, blech, blugh. This has now expanded to thinking that Sonia is so much better than me at parenting, SR, cooking, life, etc. Ugh. Even while I can see these for hormonally-refreshed, stagnant, untrue beliefs, they still aren't the most fun to have and part of me clearly still believes them. For the past few days I have definitely felt like I've been on the wrong ball more often. In the grand scheme of things I know I am still doing really well and am mostly happy and mostly loving, just not quite as fully as I want to be. I know it is technically ok to be grumpy, but it doesn't feel as good as being happy. Sometimes I am just so tired. And the rest of the time I feel and know that I am incredibly blessed. I guess it is ok to be incredibly blessed and to be deeply tired. Probably some of the feeling of deep tiredness comes from judging myself to be inadequate. When I'm feeling good about myself then I'm really not so tired, even if I am sleep deprived.