November 29: Thanksgiving, Being Together, and Mice

I hope you had a happy Thanksgiving. We were grateful for the beautiful weather for our outdoor, safely distanced, masked-except-when-eating meal with Carl’s family. It is odd to write “Carl’s family” when everyone is now my family too, but that tells you the connection of origin. Amy wanted an appropriate outfit so she cut leaves out of construction paper and taped them to herself since real leaves weren’t sticking to the tape. 

We recently watched the movie “Inside Out” and Sarah’s favorite character is, unsurprisingly, Sadness. Amy drew pictures of each character, starting with Sadness. Sarah likes to pretend to be Sadness face down on the floor and then Amy pretends to be Joy dragging Sadness by her foot. If you haven’t yet seen the movie, I highly recommend it. It is a good reminder that all of our feelings are important and we don’t need to force ourselves to be happy if we aren’t.

I had a small perspective shift regarding Sarah’s frequent requests to do “tiny tiny” snuggle time with me. I so often can feel slightly annoyed at the timing of the request, but I realized that I could translate her request to “Mom, I want to spend time with you.” That may seem like an obvious translation, but until I made it that clear I hadn’t quite seen it. What a wonderful request it is now. I may still not always be ready to drop everything to do it, but it feels a bit easier now. 

Given the rising numbers of Covid-19 cases I have closed my business for the remainder of the year. I don’t know if I’ll reopen in January. My protocols within my office space are designed for protecting against transmission from someone who is asymptomatic so in theory I could keep working. But I feel better about reducing the overall risk to my family and clients by canceling what I can. 

Every Saturday morning Sarah and Amy have a zoom session with Mom-Mom and Amy gives drawing lessons. Yesterday Amy drew a Witch Mouse and Wizard Mouse and also helped Sarah draw a Musical Note Mouse.

I hope you are all well and giving yourself room for all of your feelings.

November 22: Piano Recital and Better Mornings

Last Sunday Sarah had her first virtual piano recital. She has had recitals before, but they were all in person. She wore her musical note shirt, shorts, and scarf for the occasion and she did a beautiful job playing her pieces. Carl helped with the zoom while Amy and I stayed upstairs so we wouldn’t distract Sarah, but we still dressed in fancy clothes for the occasion. 

As you know, weekday mornings Sarah has routinely had a very hard time waiting for Anna to arrive. I have felt grumpy about her upset because it would always happen as I was trying to exercise or do something else to prepare for my day. Tuesday morning I somewhat sadly gave up any of my goals to snuggle with Sarah and do “tiny tiny” and “tick tock” while waiting. It seemed to help her pass the time. So Wednesday morning I decided that every morning from 8:10 (when Sarah’s homeroom ends) until 9am (Anna’s arrival) I would do “tiny tiny” with Sarah. I would have no other goal than to be fully available to her. So of course, Sarah decided to attend her homeroom teacher’s virtual class that followed homeroom! She didn’t want me with her. So there I was ready to play and with no other plans, thus at loose ends! Thursday morning was the same. Friday mornings are slightly unpredictable with homeroom and it doesn’t always happen since the in-person students are heading over to Mass. Sarah was upset that there wasn’t homeroom and didn’t want to attend Mass, but she was open to hanging out with me in her room and drawing pictures, cutting out musical notes, and taping them to the pictures. So often in life I don’t want to fully change my course of thought or action until I know that such a change will help, and yet that’s not the way it seems to work. To have any change I needed to fully commit to embracing things as they were and then suddenly they weren’t that way anymore. I know my sample size for the change is small, so it is possible that after writing about it everything will change again.

Last weekend I made bread and Amy drew in the flour on the counter to create a witch. Her drawn witches often have their hands held slightly behind their back, thus avoiding the need to draw hands, which can be so awkward. She continues to dress as a witch and had a wonderful moment conversing with our black cat. She and Anna and Sarah had potions class on Friday afternoon and other various magical classes throughout the week. 

May you all have easy solutions to any awkward moments.

November 15: Magic Academy, Waiting, and Progress

Each weekday morning Amy got ready for Magic Academy and some days Sarah joined her for the bus ride on our porch swing or for the walk (fly?) around the block to get to school. Each weekday morning Sarah also spent some time whining, screaming, and crying for Anna to arrive. Sometimes I handled it calmly and supportively. Other times I didn't. We have made an adjustment to the Thursday timing which used to be 10-6. From now on, until I finish teaching my Thursday afternoon class, it will be 9-5. Waiting until 10 was just interminable, but waiting until 9 will match the other days, and at the end of the day Sarah doesn’t seem to mind saying goodbye to Anna and finding other things to do.

Yesterday the kids had a zoom with Mom-Mom, who commented to me afterward that Sarah’s attention and clarity of speech were notably improved. I have also noticed her clarity and communication are clearer for portions of a weekly family zoom with Grammy and Granddad. Sometimes it is hard to come to terms with how much her progress now isn’t due to anything I’m doing. I remind myself that just as I would happily refer a massage client out if I thought someone else could do more effective work, I am referring out to Anna as someone who can do more effective work. I also know that once I do things regularly or know things regularly then they become invisible to my own assessment. So short daily sessions of “tiny tiny” and “tick tock” may seem like nothing but may be important in the big picture of Sarah’s progress. 

Sarah’s “tick tock goes the very big clock” has become hilarious when she is on my bed swinging her legs back and forth with such velocity we both say “whoa!” as she nearly falls off the bed. Then she moves her arms and legs rapidly like a bug on its back when she is going “ticky ticky ticky ticky ticky ticky tock” as the small clock. Mostly I am the one to say the words, at her request, while she moves herself. 

Sarah’s newest love is the smoosh her nose into Anna’s nose or Carl’s. She would also like to smoosh into my nose but I don’t like it at all. I will happily accept her chin presses into my head forever because they feel amazing to me, whereas Carl doesn’t like chin presses at all. It’s a good thing we all have different preferences and skill sets.

November 8: The Election and Sarah-Rise wonderfulness

I spent much of my time the past week hitting “refresh” on my election update page. I am beyond relieved that Biden and Harris won. Tears ran down my cheeks as I listened to Harris and realized what an incredible moment in time this is. I feel like I can breathe again and that the trauma that began 4 years ago can begin to heal. It baffles me how the people on either side of the election just cannot fathom the other’s viewpoint. It is akin to the dress from years ago that people saw as white/gold or blue/black. How can people see one object so differently and absolutely? I admit that my most difficult moments with Sarah often happen when she just doesn’t make sense to me with her lack of reason. We yell and scream at each other at the top of our lungs (sometimes). But then we always return to snuggling and remembering we love each other. I sincerely hope that the tensions that have had so many people so tightly wound and wounded can begin to ease now that we will have someone in charge of the country who does not encourage divisiveness and derision. I have had glimmers of understanding that somehow the people who supported the person I didn’t vote for simply could look past the lies and atrocious behavior, seeking the policy changes. That understanding helps things seem like normal politics with normal disagreements, so I can begin to fathom the divide a tiny bit.

I admit to having trouble remembering anything else from the week. Was there anything else going on? Our cat started coming into Amy’s room every evening to sleep on the bottom bunk of an American Girl Doll bunkbed. Amy spent time being a siren (ala mermaids rather than emergency sounds) and Sarah actively requested to do math with Anna. Sarah’s math, reading, and writing are all leaps and bounds beyond where she was a couple of months ago. I think most of us experience at least one person in our lives as being a total safe haven where we are just on the same wave length and that person can teach us things that others can’t. Anna is that person for Sarah, which means that Sarah is spending more time happily practicing academic skills than ever before. This moment in Sarah’s life reminds me of when we started the Sarah-Rise program for her and her language suddenly started leaping and bounding ahead. I honestly can’t comprehend how we are so blessed to have Anna but I will just continue to thank the universe and our luck and Anna. Anna continues to affirm that the real star is Sarah and that perspective is why Anna is such an amazing facilitator for Sarah’s learning. 

Sarah and Amy have weekly SR sessions with Sc via Facetime and Sarah’s room is always evidence of a good time being had because it is strewn with art supplies or costumes. Amy often has a grumpy feeling when the time is over because she has so much fun she doesn’t want it to end. Sarah has weekly Facetime sessions with G, often asking him about his clothes or what he is going to read. I love that these SR times can continue virtually with new skills being acquired because of the virtual format. My heart also occasionally has a small moments of feeling deeply sad that we cannot see these wonderful people in person. I feel that way about other friends and family too. Mostly we are used to how things are, but every once in a while it is hard. Just as Amy has a few times a week of crying about how much better/easier things would be if she could be in school in person. 

Yesterday was a gorgeous day for blowing bubbles, drawing rainbows, playing card games, and making a potion in a cauldron. Amy cuddled up as a cat on my lap. I know these moments will at some point cease to occur so I drink them in with my whole being. Sarah and I had some clashes but also some sweet tick-tock snuggles, trading giving each other kisses on the head. 

I send you cat snuggles and joyful dances. 

November 1: Halloween and Fork Insights

For Halloween Sarah was a Musical Note House (the house from Goodnight Moon) with a door that opened and closed. Anna was also a Musical Note House. Sarah refused to put on her costume until Anna arrived and then she promptly donned her cardboard box and cardboard roof hat. Amy was Dory the Witch and I was the Big Witch; Olivia was their cat Gink and she already had the necessary black fur. Carl was a Covid-19 vaccine. Halloween was wonderful. The kids went trick-or-treating with Anna, all wearing masks, while Carl and I stayed at home to slide candy down the candy slide. Evidently, Sarah loved walking around as a house and delightedly announced, “I’m a house!” at each stop. After trick-or-treating we all had a warm dinner and then Carl and I went to an outdoor, socially-distanced, masked party while Anna stayed to tell ghost stories with the kids and get them to bed. Amy had such a fun day that she is having a hard time today dealing with the feelings of disappointment that Halloween is over.

Sarah and I continue to do daily rounds of "tick-tock-tick-tock goes the very big clock…” with me moving her legs or with her sitting on my lap and me rocking us both back and forth. We also continue our snuggle times with saying “tiny tiny tiny, shiny shiny shiny” and her other favorite phrases. She often gives me kisses on the head or nose. With Anna, Sarah has been singing “hickory dickory dock” while Anna adjusts the hands of a learning clock so Sarah can practice telling time. Sc often draws pictures during her SR time, following the dictations of Sarah and Amy. This week I put the pictures in protective pages in a binder and Sarah loves this new book. The most recent pages were delivered last night and included several pictures of mice with “hickory dickory dock” and then the mice climb different objects and have different rhyming responses. I love all of this. There are so many educational frameworks that ask kids to behave according to what their age peers typically do rather than meeting them exactly where they are. I love that Sarah is interested in revisiting the rhymes and movements she experienced as a baby and toddler. In my mind, this allows her to process things that maybe she wasn’t ready to process in her younger years. 

Amy had her first in-person, outdoor, safely-distanced, masked playdate with her BFF since mid-March. Even though it was chilly and wet, she had a wonderful time. 

Recently, I learned about the Spoon Theory and Fork Theory. The basic idea is that each person wakes up with a given number of spoons (energy units) per day and this can vary immensely based on what a person is dealing with in their life. When you spend your spoons you don’t get more until the next day so something might be impossibly spoon-expensive for you but be spoon-cheap to someone who woke up with twice as many spoons. Forks are mental-health units and can be replenished but only if you spend forks up front to do the thing that will give you more forks. So while you might know a shower will give you 10 forks, you have to spend 5 to take the shower and if you only have 3 then no amount of reasoning will help you take that shower. This has helped me think about Sarah differently when she has such a hard time waiting for Anna to arrive. I can suggest biking on Zwift or reading or playing piano and all ideas are met with resistance. Now I understand that she just doesn’t have the forks to do those things at that time. She just can’t. The only things she can do are whining, yelling, grumping, snuggle time, looking at the Sc drawings, and talking about Anna.

I also watched a bit more of the online Son-Rise training and was reminded that when Sarah isms she is doing the best she can to take care of herself. When Sarah doesn’t have the forks to do something other than wait impatiently and ask every minute when Anna will arrive and where Anna is, I have now had some times of responding more comfortably than in the past. I have answered with the most current minute count every time she asks, and I have imagined where Anna might be. When we know Anna is driving here then I talk about various landmarks Sarah knows so she can picture Anna passing them on the way. This seems to help somewhat. It at least helps me not to be resisting where Sarah is. Yesterday was still a bit rough because Sarah had to wait all day, but, given that, she actually did really well.

May you have plenty of spoons and forks.

October 25: Carving Pumpkins and Waiting

In case there was any confusion based on my previous update, Sarah is still at her usual school virtually, but that translates into having a lot of amazing time with Anna. Anna helps with Sarah’s live meetings when Sarah needs assistance and continues to knock my socks off with the play-based lessons they design for the non-zoom time, which is most of the day. I had Sarah’s IEP meeting virtually this week and it went well, as they always do because I’m rarely asking for any changes. If we didn’t have Anna then I probably would have pushed for more zooms, but now I’m ambivalent about that because I would rather Sarah get the quiet time with Anna! The only thing I requested was a 15 second wait time after asking Sarah a question. It is a good reminder for me too and a skill most grown-ups need to work on regarding most kids. Usually adults give about 2 seconds of silence before re-asking/re-wording, but this restarts the cognitive processing so it actually makes it take longer. There was a moment recently when I asked Sarah something and thought she hadn’t registered my question. Luckily I was counting to 15 in my head because after 10 seconds Sarah answered my question! Later, embarrassingly, I didn’t give Amy time to answer something and she called me on it. 

One evening I kissed Sarah on the head and she asked me why I had done so. Now she likes to tell me that I kissed her on the head because I love her.

Sarah’s “tiny, tiny, tiny, shiny, shiny, shiny” routine has expanded based on her memory of a movement song/game we used to do when she was little. We say “tick tock tick tock goes my very big clock, but my little tiny clock goes ticky ticky ticky ticky ticky ticky tock.” When she was small I used to hold her under the armpits and swing her whole body as if she was the clock pendulum. Now she moves her self or her head.

Yesterday Sarah, Amy, and Carl carved pumpkins to make a cat-o-latern and a mouse-o-latern. They also made a candy slide so we can deliver treats from a safe distance. The girls are quite excited about going trick-or-treating, especially because Anna is going to be with them. Anna helped Sarah create her costume so she can be the house from Goodnight Moon decorated with musical notes. I am confused as to whether or not she is simultaneously going to be Hello Kitty since that has also been mentioned. I assume this will become clear on Halloween night. Amy is going to be a witch and has been riding her broomstick around the block every weekday to get to school (at our house). 

I give you all a kiss on the head.

October 18: Struggles, Snuggles and Detective Sarah

When Sarah was a tiny baby there were times that I felt trapped because any time I would try to do something I wanted to do she would start crying. My mom reminded me that I was actually allowed to still have a life. It was ok to go for a walk with Sarah and it was ok if she cried. Once I made the internal switch to remembering that I had some power then we would go for a walk, our crying would ebb, and life would be better. Sometimes now I feel trapped by various parts of life and forget that I’m allowed to do certain things even if everyone isn’t happy about it. I can feel that my very presence messes everything up and derails Sarah’s focus or equilibrium, while simultaneously feeling weary about how often Sarah wants to snuggle with me so that I never get to do my own thing! And very often “my own thing” is cooking or cleaning or doing laundry! This doesn’t leave me with much room to be me. I’m trying to remember the equivalent of “I do get to go for a walk.”

Sarah’s latest favorite script for our snuggle time is to say “shiny shiny shiny, tiny tiny tiny.” I added “teeny tiny and sheeny shiny.” This started when she was looking at her baby pictures. She was a tiny baby! We also expand on the theme to include past themes involving sad mice or “shave and a haircut two bits.” Recently we employed Bandits On The Run to create singing telegrams for Sc. and Anna based on their playtime with Sarah and Amy. Sarah loves to sing the songs and we often take turns with verses as we snuggle, sometimes changing the words to include more of Sarah’s loves.

Carl and Anna and I had a meeting to discuss Sarah and schooling. It was wonderful. It reminded me of SR team meetings from years past when we would come up with amazing new ideas. One of our favorite ideas is to have Detective Sarah. She so often asks questions about life and the world that I answer but don’t answer in depth. Now Detective Sarah has a notebook for such questions (with Anna as the scribe) and then Anna can use those questions to explore all sorts of subjects with Sarah. Recently, when they went for  a walk Sarah noticed a lightning rod on a house and asked about it. When they got home, Anna helped Sarah make a lightning rod for her small house. Sarah wrote about the purpose of lightning rods on a speech bubble that was attached to the pipe-cleaner rod that was attached to the small house. The speech bubble and lines were drawn by Anna. Sarah did the cutting and writing. Amazing! They also made a paper door with a label about the function of hinges. When you open the paper door you find a picture of Sarah. I feel like we went from wondering how to possibly engage Sarah in things pertaining to science or history to suddenly seeing the entry-point to a million possibilities. Of course Sarah’s own questions are the doorway. How did I not think of this before?? As with so many things, once something is realized it is blindingly obvious, but before it is realized we are blind to it. 

Anna and Sarah have been doing math with the small house, placing objects inside while counting or adding the number of things inside and outside the house. Sarah writes in her journal daily with Anna’s help, writing about her experiences or loves. Her writing is clearer than ever and she writes much more than ever before. Anna also helps Sarah with her reading by writing sentences about what they were recently doing and then Sarah reads the sentences out loud. This seems to be helping Sarah speak more clearly in general. There have been many times in the past few years when I have thought I should get the Sarah-Rise program going in full again, but then I have always felt like I just couldn’t. I just don’t have it in me. It is a dream come true to now have Anna running Sarah’s schooling in a full-SR way, better than I could have imagined. My jaw drops on a daily basis when I see what they create. This is a most positive side-effect of Covid-19.

I can see that for all of my struggles, my main goal is that the people who live in our house or frequent it feel supported in being their full selves. Sarah and I just need help making room for our full selves so they don’t get tangled.

You get to go for a walk.