June 30

The past few days have felt challenging. Sarah had 3 nights this week of staying up until 10 or 11pm, which meant I was also up later than usual. I don’t know that anything else on Sarah’s side actually changed, but I have had less patience in response to her screaming, whining, and not listening. There are times when I can see her moments as just fleeting moments that will be over soon. There are other times when, in a nano-second, I go from 0 to 100  in my level of annoyance because I feel weighed down by twelve years of screamy struggly moments. This doesn’t mean we didn’t have wonderful times and easy times. It’s just that there were also more times where I yelled louder and longer than the rest of the month. I’m weary of it. I’m weary of knowing that every month I will have a few days where things are just harder and I feel worse about myself in all ways. I know it will pass and I will feel good about everything again, my socks will again go flying, and I will feel capable of doing all of everything. Now just isn’t that moment yet.

On the plus side, one day Sarah took my dry massage sheets out of the dryer and put the wet load of sheets from the washer into the dryer and started the dryer. This was without my knowledge and was truly helpful. On the independent side, but oh-no-really-not-good-and-glad-Amy-told-on-her side, yesterday Sarah went to the basement and got Carl’s drill with a screw driver bit in it. She took it outside and proceeded to make several holes in one of the posts holding up our tree house. I guess all of the times of Carl having Sarah help him with projects have caught up to us (or bit us in the tree house, as it were).

When I was sad yesterday after we had a rough time, Sarah and I just snuggled together. She listened while I cried and she wiped my tears. Then she told me I needed to row (I had told her that was my plan). It was nice to have her endorse that because so often she complains impatiently when I row. Last night Carl and I were out and the sitter said that after the girls were in bed she heard something. She went to investigate and found Sarah on the rowing machine. She does this occasionally but not usually after going to bed.

Amy has been especially wonderful and helpful and independent lately. She continues to run bath time for herself and Sarah. She cleans up the play area more often than she used to. She is truly helpful with grocery shopping. She also got up early yesterday and snuck into the SR room to make a birthday card for Carl. It was the most heart-warming card I have yet seen her produce. 8 is a wonderful age!

An extra thank you to M. who sent me a package of socks after my last update! They fit perfectly and I love them.

June 23

Please send socks! I have none left. Throughout the day last Sunday, the girls knocked my socks off repeatedly. It was just the girls and me all day, but they hardly interacted with me at all, and there was rarely a need to intervene. 

I bought a lined dry-erase board for Sarah, just like the one her piano teacher uses. Sarah loves her staff, and since it was new last Sunday she was particularly keen on playing with it. Amy enjoyed assuming the role of teacher. They probably played “piano lesson” for two hours! Part of this involved Amy writing “FACE” on the staff to correspond to actual notes. Then she wrote other four letter words, such as CATS and DOGS. 

As the day continued, they played games and cleaned up from games without my saying a thing. At one point I thought it was mighty quiet so I assumed they might be sneaking time with their iPods. Nope. They were in the Sarah-Rise room reading. I had informed them that at some point they needed to take baths and get their hair washed. Amy orchestrated this after their reading, insisting that they didn’t need me! All I did was put the shower sprayer within reach, get the music started, open the shampoo, and lower their towels. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Later in the week they again took care of baths and hair without me! I was banished from the premises, but allowed to stay nearby in case I was needed. I mean!!!!! Can you believe this?!!!!!!! Then they put on pajamas and watched “Peter Pan.”  Normally Sarah doesn’t sit quietly for a whole movie. She didn’t this time either, but Amy only had to pause it a couple of times to ask that Sarah be quiet. 

Sarah loved her first week of camp. This is the same camp she has attended the past two summers, but this year it is from 9-12 instead of 9-2. It is a 30 minute drive each way, so two hours of driving so she can have three hours of camp. Amy was really not having it to be part of all of that time in the car so I arranged for extra time with a sitter for a couple of the days. Next year I hope the powers that be extend the hours again. I have already said that I’m happy to contribute funds and another parent agreed. Right now it is part of what we pay for her school tuition rather than a separate expense. Even if the hours stay short, I’ll still take her because she loves it so much. 

I also found another camp for Sarah to attend for one week in July, so I will have one week when the girls are in camp at the same time. Sarah’s next camp is new, closer, with longer hours, and run by a music therapist. It is just for kids who need a little extra help. 

One last amazing thing...Sarah is no longer allergic to dairy!!! A few months ago we realized that she could have baked dairy. Recently, I made lactose-free cow-milk yogurt and gave her a couple of bites one day. When that seemed fine, I let her have a few more bites the next day. Then she had a whole serving. This week she had cow-milk ice cream twice and some store-bought cow-milk yogurt. All seems well. No hives or any other reaction that I know of. While I don’t want to go overboard so I still do lots of non-dairy things for her, this really opens up our options, especially when traveling. Holy cow!!

May you too need new socks!

June 16

Amy is now a rising third-grader. This is the first time we have a third grader in the house since Sarah skipped third grade to make it possible for her to finish high school, given how much I adjusted her schooling situation in the early years (she was in preschool through age 8 because that is what felt appropriate). For Amy’s final week of school the kids could dress up according to a different theme each day. She had a great time with Fashion Disaster day and she was a gymnast for Athlete day. There were many deep and desperate tears on Superhero day, until Carl saved the day with some tape to turn a Batman cape into a plain black cape suitable for Cat Girl. She loved being a pirate cat for Dress Like A Pirate day, and Sarah had fun trying on costumes for that too.

Friday was Kennywood day for Amy’s school. Overall the experience was good, but as usual it wasn’t without its challenges. Sarah is not yet skilled with attending to her personal safety when crossing a street or navigating a parking lot. As we were getting ourselves assembled after parking, Sarah was walking backwards in the lot, not listening to us as we told her not to. She started screaming as we tried to rein her in to a safer area closer to our car. Amy and I went ahead while Carl stayed with a screaming Sarah in the car. Eventually they were able to come join us. Carl created a wonderful game where she had to point to all of the moving cars that she could see. Sometimes he would just tell her that there was one and then she had to find it. As with so many parenting moments, I am in awe of Carl’s patience and creativity. Sometimes I have those attributes too and sometimes I really don't. It is a relief to be able to walk away, especially when my presence sometimes makes things worse. I have long known that going to amusement parks requires two grown-ups and there were many moments that proved this point. There were also easy times where Sarah played happily in the sand or stood in line by herself for a ride, getting on and off without help. She rode the kiddie roller coaster and the car-driving-on-a-track thing. The car ride is her favorite and twice she stood in line patiently only to have the ride break when it was almost her turn. She handled those moments with remarkable calm. Finally, it was working and she got to have one turn before we left. Amy was delighted to spend most of her time with her best friend who was also there for the day, though that also made it harder for Amy to leave when it was time to go.

A shout-out to Amy for keeping herself and Sarah safe in another parking area when we were going to a little beach. The girls were heading down as we gathered our beach bags. I hadn’t yet even seen the car that Amy noticed, as she held Sarah’s hand and successfully told Sarah to wait. 

This morning Sarah had a big upset as I was hanging laundry to dry because she saw my new black and white striped swimsuit, which she wants for herself. I told her she couldn’t wear it. She screamed and banged things for many minutes. I was thinking how frustrating and deafening this tantrum was. Then I shifted my perspective just a tiny tiny tiny bit to thinking of this as a session where she needed to clear feelings. It still wasn’t my favorite moment, but instead of feeling like a martyred parent who will have to endure such outbursts for eternity, I felt like these moments could be productive, just like my crying times help me feel clearer and better. I know I have had these revelations many times and I’m sure I will have more. It comes down to trusting, believing, and hoping that our future together can be easier, that she can respect my clothing-sharing boundaries, and that she can learn to channel her upset in a way that isn’t destructive. Please remind me of my insight later in the day when it may have escaped me again!

Happy Father’s Day to my three fathers and to Carl and to all who parent and support anyone or anything in some way. Support in all ways helps and matters. You might not even know what a difference you make. But you do make a difference. So thanks.

June 9

Sarah is done with fourth grade. Her last week was a strange mix of days off and days of school. Tuesday and Thursday were in-service days (one for her school and one for her particular program). Friday she had school but dismissal was at 10am. As summer has been approaching, I’ve been looking forward to more relaxed days, but there have been notably struggly times with Sarah, as in multiple tantrums in public spaces and at home. I have realized that there are instances in which I don’t listen to Sarah’s “no” about things or set limits that maybe don’t need to be set. My goal is to remedy that as often as is truly possible. Similarly, I want her to work on hearing and responding appropriately to my “no” instead of whining, yelling, slamming things, or kicking things.

In tandem with the struggles, there are wonderful moments of increasing independence and maturity. The times when Amy makes her bed and makes her own breakfast or cleans up a room (encouraging Sarah to help) without my asking. The times when they watch a tv show and turn everything off when it is done without my saying anything. The times when I drop them off for a birthday party and I don’t have to stay (although I do stay a block away reading in my car, just in case) and Sarah participates in the activity! The times when they get ready to go to a spray park all by themselves including bringing the swim bag and sunblock downstairs. The times when my parenting job seems to get easier and easier. The times when Amy pulls Sarah in for a pajama-wearing snuggle hug and they are sparkly and joyful, looking at the camera at the same moment. (Part of Sarah’s sparkle was due to my saying her new favorite line, which she attributes to our sitter A, “It’s out of here!” as if a ball has just cleared the outfield.)

I wrote something, which many of you have already read, about the disconnect I feel regarding labels and what people might think upon hearing that I have a fifth grader (or a twelve year old for that matter). I always want to qualify the information lest they think my life very different from what it is. This is akin to qualifying that my pet is a cat rather than a dog. I just want to paint a slightly more accurate picture.

May you feel loved and understood for the whole picture of who you are, including the struggly bits.

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Not Pictured

What you don’t see in the last-day-of-school-photos and declarations of what grade is starting or ending…is that the grade attributed to my daughter means nothing. The only purpose is to serve as a rough indication of her age and of how many years she has attended school. There is nothing about her newly minted “rising fifth grader” self that corresponds to what people think of when they picture a fifth grader. Do you picture a celebration lunch at a restaurant that doesn’t even start because said fifth grader turns off lights to the seating area and doesn’t follow directions without loud protest, such that then the mom drags the screaming child out of the restaurant to have her tantrum in the car? No. That’s not pictured. This isn’t to say that I’m not proud of my amazing daughter and how far she has come, how far we have come together. This isn’t to say I don’t still believe she can learn anything and everything given time. This is just to say that grade labels mean so little when it comes to children who don’t fit what is “typical,” those children whose developmental map is uncharted. When she was an infant and diagnosed as “failure to thrive” she was below the graphed chart for weight. I like to think she is off the charts. So let’s not try to chart where she is or where she will go, because we just don’t know. All we can do is follow and celebrate where we are. I have to remind myself of this, lest I fall into some trap of thinking she should be other than she is based on some label of where she is (but isn’t really) in school. Where is she? Her teachers, parents, and helpers know. But that label of “fifth grade” doesn’t know and doesn’t tell you anything. Who she really is isn’t pictured by a label or a fleeting moment in a restaurant. I suppose the same could be true of all of us in different ways with different labels, though some labels work as indicators while others don’t. Anyway, I hope through my words over the years you can see the full picture. 

June 2

For those who have been with Sarah for many years, you probably remember how important her snail shorts have been. When she was around two or 3, she was given some Zutano snail print pants, size 12-18 month. (She has always been small for her age). She liked them but in a normal way. When Amy was then the age to wear the same pants that Sarah had outgrown (or so we thought), Sarah became passionately obsessed with them and wore them almost exclusively. I repaired holes. She wore them with holes. She wore them into shreds. I found shorts that were also for babies but they fit because elastic is wonderful. I found two pairs. One has disappeared and the other she still wears even though they are faded and the elastic is shot. A few years ago we found snail fabric that was entirely different but somehow was enough to fill that passionate love of Sarah’s. And then it wasn’t. Carl had leggings made by having a company print a copy of the beloved snail pattern. Those were great, but not always quite it. She would still sometimes ask for the original pair. Over the years I have searched in vain for more of the original pattern, which was discontinued many years ago. A couple of days ago I searched again. On a whim I checked Ebay and there they were! THE originals!! For $3!! I promptly ordered them. I also found a smaller pair of shorts and ordered them too as a backup. The new pants arrived today and she was thrilled. They are a bit tight and look like shorts, but they do fit. This is amazing!

I am writing later in the day than usual because this morning we were waking up at Swarthmore College, where Carl and I graduated just last year! Actually, twenty years ago, but really, what is 19 years?! Anyway, we got up early so we could make it home in time for the annual neighborhood block party that happens on our street and is absolutely not to be missed. We did make it perfectly in time. A mostly good time was had by all, except Amy had some big dreams of balloon creations that were unattainable, much to her disappointment. 

Overall the reunion went well, but was not without its challenges, mainly for Sarah and myself. The girls did beautifully with all of the time in the car and with making all of our stops short. The tricky parts were to be expected. Sarah always wants to stay up late when we come to such events. Always. She was up until 11:30 Friday night. I was grumpy about it because it meant following as she explored hallways and stairs. It probably would have been ok not to follow but I didn’t want to risk her leaving the building and getting locked out without our knowledge. I also knew she didn’t want me with her and I hoped the annoyance of my presence would hasten bedtime. It didn’t. The next day she woke early but was predictably tired and not wanting to get dressed and moving for certain things. Those were not my finest moment of parenting, but, really, we did well if you consider the magnitude of our emotional range with each other. We all had a wonderful time at the reunion carnival that had a bouncy house. Saturday night we all stayed up late on purpose because we knew it was our last time to see people. Also, just as we were calling it a night, we heard “Like a Prayer” so we ran back to dance. Then the fire honker sounded, so Carl pretended to go running, much to the girls’ delight. For those who don’t know, he used to be a volunteer firefighter while we were in college.

It was wonderful being back on our beautiful campus. Swarthmore is an arboretum so all of the plants are labeled, as it should be! We were finally in a different dorm than we had been for all other reunions. It was wonderful seeing friends and classmates. It was even oddly enjoyable to feel uncomfortable sense memories and let them go. 

One moment of note lasted maybe an hour or 90 minutes. While I drove today, Amy made simple word searches for Sarah and drew pictures for Sarah to color and gave her math problems, helping or instructing as needed. Absolutely amazing. Also of note, on our drive today we played a game where we each would say a word that began with each letter of the alphabet, no repetition allowed. Sarah participated the whole time and surprised us with her word choices. 

We also played a card game at the reunion and Amy and Sarah were a team, conferring in adorable whispers, mostly led my Amy. 

May you walk in beautiful places and find your dream pants!

May 26

As is to be expected, hair washing (especially after writing about easy success) was not so easy last Sunday! I implemented what I thought was our new formula, and perhaps you heard the screaming from wherever you were. This past Thursday it was time for washing Sarah’s hair again. She screamed and protested loudly and repeatedly at the mere suggestion. I felt frustrated and so very tired of this whole scenario. Eventually she agreed to yet another time frame before we started the bath, but with the provision that when the timer went off she wouldn’t scream. True to her word, when the timer chimed she stopped what she was doing and got in the tub, without my even saying anything. I got the same agreement from her about not screaming when it was time to wash her hair and she again kept her word. So maybe that is an added piece of the ever-shifting puzzle.

Last night with their amazing sitter A, the girls made Kitty Bingo. They have now been awake for an hour and have yet to even come downstairs for breakfast. They have been playing Kitty Bingo this whole time! At one point Amy ran downstairs to tell me that they had gotten bingo at the exact same time and that there is nothing better than a tied game of Kitty Bingo. Long ago, in our earlier Sarah-Rise sessions, we used to loosely track how long Sarah could attend to an interactive activity. It used to be that ten minutes was an achievement. I realize that with anything I can always remind myself of how things used to be and thus be in awe of where we are now, because nothing has ever been a given with Sarah. Yet, at the same time, I also have an assumption that she can do anything; it just might take a long time to get there. Of course she will learn to swim. It might take years to learn, but she’ll get there. 

Yesterday Carl got out the girls’ bikes. It took Amy a little time to get back into her groove of how to ride, but then she really got it and was doing laps around our small block. Amy is riding a bike with pedals and no training wheels. In the past, Sarah had no interest in learning to ride her balance bike, but yesterday Carl could see a change in her and predicts that she will learn to ride a bike with pedals and no training wheels.

Both girls are getting more capable with getting their own food ready, especially for breakfast or snacks. Amy often reminds me that she doesn’t need my help with various things. Sometimes this is exciting and wonderful. Sometimes I feel like I am essentially messing up every other minute, which doesn’t feel great. This is new territory for us, see-sawing between independence and dependence without sign posts or warnings. I know this is how it goes as kids grow, but that doesn’t make it much easier. 

May 19

I dare to say that we have made progress regarding washing Sarah’s hair! Sc had used a timer to indicate when the hair washing would begin. That seemed to help, so Carl and I have implemented that strategy too. Carl also had the idea to move forward more quickly and directly rather than letting Sarah play for a long time first. This week I was able to do a mid-week wash with minimal fuss and Sarah even tipped her head back into the water when we were done, which is something she normally does NOT do in a bath. This whole venture also received assistance from Grammy a couple of weeks ago because she knew of our struggle and commented to Sarah about how nice and clean her hair looked after her bath. After each successive bath, Sarah has told me that her hair is clean and shiny. I tell you, it takes a village to make these things happen!

Sarah cut her hot dog almost completely by herself! (And at the next hot dog meal she opted to just pick up the whole thing rather than bother with cutting.)

One night Amy was upset at bedtime and Sarah said, “it’s ok Amy” or something like that without any teasing in her tone. It was simply kind. I pointed it out to Amy, who paused in her upset to thank Sarah. That was a small miracle of a moment. 

Amy’s moment of upset taught me that I need to regularly make time when Amy is freshly tucked into bed to check on how she is feeling about things. On this particular night, when I stood up after kissing Sarah goodnight, I was surprised to see Amy looking sad, because she hadn’t been sad a minute ago. I asked if it was about a certain thing. It wasn’t. I just stayed looking at her and waiting. Then she burst into tears and told me about a worry concerning school. Not only was she scared, but she had been trying to hold this fear as a secret rather than share it, so she had had several nights of worry and not sleeping well. My poor sweetheart!! During the day she can easily keep moving on to the next thing, but just before sleep is when the thoughts and worries surface, so that is what I want to make sure I witness and allow to have space.

This weekend Amy and Carl were away for Girl Scout camping. Sarah and I camped in our backyard. The first night it rained a lot, including a few unexpected drips onto my neck, but we were mostly cozy and snug. In the morning sunshine I opened up the tent doors to get some fresh air. Somehow at some point, a bird managed to get poop in the center of our sheet. How on earth?! (did it fly through when we weren’t looking? or did it just angle its delivery with skill and precision?) Sarah wanted to spend all day in the tent enjoying the patterns of our (clean) sheets, but I made us take breaks so we didn’t overheat. We walked to a store to get goldfish crackers. Then she wanted to be pushed in the stroller while she ate the crackers. We did that on our way to her favorite intersection for watching traffic. It has been a very quiet weekend. It was wonderful to have so much easy time together and to be so snuggly in the tent at night. It will also be wonderful to be in my own bed tonight. Sarah is eager for Amy to be home so they can play in the tent together. Earlier in the week Sarah made a sun at school and each ray was labeled with something important to Sarah. The only legible word is “Amy.” (Normally Sarah’s handwriting can be quite legible, but not with this specific item.)

May you have a kind witness for the secrets weighing on your heart, and may you have a cozy snuggly spot to rest.