Did you start your morning having a hard time waiting for your birthday presents? Did you start your morning as a baby crocodile even though you were a baby panda when you went to bed? Sarah did both of these things. Yesterday she had BIG FEELINGS about waiting. At first I was trying to get the feelings, or at least the volume associated with them, to stop. Then I remembered that sometimes people have feelings and they don’t need to be stopped, just listened to. How have I known this all of my life and yet sometimes still forget in the face of Sarah’s intense screaming? I think that question contains the answer. Anyway, it was much better to just listen and be with her. I felt calmer and I think it helped her shift to the tears under the screams. Clearly, as this morning demonstrated, there are still big feelings. I am reminding myself today that I don’t need to be scared of her feelings or try to shut them down in any way.
As I move through revising my book, I learn things from my past self. I’m hoping such things can also help future readers. The thing I remembered this week was the importance of connecting to Sarah before I ask her to do something. So simple and yet often not what I do. I also remembered that I want to be the most interesting thing going on if I’m wanting to connect, especially if technology is already in use. On at least two occasions if I sat next to her with presence and enthusiasm she eagerly turned to me and talked about the panda on her wall being sad and gave me chin presses of love and sensory input. For anyone unfamiliar with a a chin press it is when Sarah presses her chin into the top of someone's head quite firmly. This isn’t something everyone tolerates or enjoys, but I love them.
Twice now Sarah has taken the printed draft of my book and taken it to her room to read. I don’t know how closely she is reading, but she has brought up subjects from her past that I wrote about. I know she does that anyway - grabbing a memory from her past, seemingly out of the blue - so I can’t be completely sure it was from her reading, but probably.
Sarah likes to help Carl make Hello Fresh meals on the weekends. Her biggest love is to make the sauces. Yesterday she wore my Tiny Chef apron while making a sauce and talking about how she and the Tiny Chef matched, because I have his picture above my counter.
On Friday Sarah didn’t have school so Anna came to hang out with her while I saw a client. Anna and Sarah used a plastic bead necklace to turn her small musical note bag into a purse and then took the bus to the Squirrel Hill library. Sarah loves that library because she can watch buses from the windows and at this point at least some of the librarians know her by name. Sarah is skilled at asking for whatever book she has most recently decided she must read - usually a book we used to own and then gave away. I may never give away a kids book ever again!! Her book of the moment is The Very Busy Bear, which the library system does not have! Luckily I did find a used copy and it will arrive in a week or so. I haven’t told her that I know the shipping information because she handles it much better if I say I don’t know than if I tell her a specific date. Any specifics result in the same screaming and impatience that are happening regarding her birthday presents now.
Amy is selling Girl Scout cookies. This year things are different than past years because you can’t order for mail delivery until February 27. You can order online for girl delivery if you live near us, but the new cookie for the year is only available for mail orders. Her troop also didn’t get the paperwork they normally do so I found an order form on Etsy and printed it so she can still go door to door. If you live near us and want her to knock on your door, let me know! I think the cutoff for placing girl-delivery orders may be Jan 31. You would think the website would be clear about this and make it impossible to select girl-delivery after a certain date, but you would be incorrect.
I’m back in physical therapy, but this time to preserve my left hip. It’s mostly in good shape but was starting to speak to me in the way my right hip used to when it started to have issues. I can tell that with PT and seeing my trainer I am getting notably stronger. It also helped that I told the PT that I never do the exercises I’m supposed to do at home if they involve lying down. So she gave me standing equivalents and that works much better. I can do them while waiting for Sarah’s bus or a client.
Despite the regularity of having a range of emotional experiences, I’m still always surprised by how different I can feel on different days. There were a couple of days this past week when I was so stressed and so much in my head that I couldn’t sleep well. And then there were other days when all was right with the world and I felt peaceful and happy. True, some of the things I had been stressed about resolved before I felt peaceful, but still. Each reality can feel like the only reality when I’m in it and I wonder how I ever feel otherwise. It’s akin to being sick and well and how impossible it can be to imagine or remember the alternative to whatever I am feeling.
I hope you are feeling peaceful and well, but if not, let’s all remember not to be scared of feelings (our or other people’s).
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