Some weeks seem to encompass an entire year of experiences and emotions. This has been one such week. We have been at our mountain house and overall it has been wonderful, but Sarah and I have also had some really struggly times.
We watched the movie Inside Out again which provided excellent fodder for future play. While Sarah’s touch sensitivity seems to be ebbing slightly, her bringing up nickel charts and nickel feelings has ramped up even beyond its usual constant punctuation of our days. If you haven’t been around us all day, you probably can’t imagine how often we hear
“am I going to get a nickel taken away?”
“you aren’t going to give me a nickel for…”
“When I had a nickel away I felt sick with Nickel Feelings”
“___ won’t take a nickel away because I don’t have a nickel chart"
“Hi Jennifer, this is __. Sarah is not feeling well.”
“Sarah just threw up more”
“Sarah is getting so much phlegm out."
“Sarah, your dad will be coming to get you.”
“If you don’t stop crying you will have another nickel taken away” (this one was a new phrase and makes me wonder if that was said to her)
“I said to Mrs.___ , Mrs___ can we change my nickel system? It is not working for me.”
This is all truly wonderful that she is processing everything, but I am also wondering when she will be done processing. We have been having these phrases and repetitive conversations around them since January! Carl made the comment that it must be a core memory for her. Core memories are a concept from Inside Out. That gave me the idea that maybe she had been angry, in addition to being sad, about the nickel being taken away. Normally we just talk about her sad feelings and how then she felt sick. Focusing on the anger side of things I took a newspaper page and wrote a headline “Nickel to be Taken Away” because the character of Anger in the movie is always reading headlines about what is happening. Sarah loved her newspaper and headline. She pretended to be Anger yelling and having flames coming out of the top of his head.
During one snuggle session with Sarah she was also referencing Frog and Toad. Stories often get blended or we substitute other characters into our own stories. So we worked together to narrate a story in which Toad had a nickel taken away and felt sad and sick. Frog came to get him. Then Toad sat on his bed and said “Blah! I am down in the dumps!” Sarah cracks up at saying she is down in the dumps and points to the bed and says “here are the dumps!”
Our Frog and Toad narration gave me the idea to write a story in that style about Baby Crocodile losing a nickel and the teacher calling me to say she wasn’t feeling well, etc, all the way through Baby Crocodile asking her teacher for a new system and the teacher saying yes. I hoped this would help put the story to rest. Sarah was interested in reading it but then when she read it with Carl she was sad and upset, as if reliving it. I worried that I had really messed up. Later Sarah started erasing my words. Carl pointed out this was maybe therapeutic for her. I told her she could also rip it or cut it. She did some ripping and some rewriting. Amy had drawn a small nickel chart as an illustration and Sarah ripped it to shreds. So all of this was probably good and yet… the core memory is still quite front and center for Sarah as she moves through her days. Amy is quite over it and doesn’t want to hear about it any more. I feel the same although I can rally sometimes and at least respond.
We made other newspaper headlines for other people too. Mine was about being frustrated with the UPMC headache center/neurology policies and how ridiculous they seem. I have been wanting to switch to a new headache doctor and practice. I made a Telehealth appointment with someone else but who was still a UPMC doctor. I didn’t know this would be a problem. I was allowed to schedule and someone even called to confirm. But when I tried to connect for the appointment there was nothing listed. Then I got a voicemail message that my appointment had been canceled because of their policy that I can’t just see another UPMC headache doctor unless there is a reason for the change documented in my chart. The message seemed harsh and accusatory of “what were you thinking?” I realized I needed to get out of the UPMC system all together because I was starting to feel trapped. I did find a new place at the Allegheny Health Center and I am relieved to have an appointment with a new doctor in December. What I love is that at this new place I will be able to see any doctor or nurse in the practice and if I’m in a bad way then I can even call for a same day appointment regardless of if I have been seen for any first official appointment.
Carl’s headline was about having to work on vacation on Monday and not being able to go to SeaBase. SeaBase is an indoor play place with games like DoodleJump and Skeeball and a play structure that is similar to where Blippi plays in some tv episodes that Sarah loves. The girls and I went to SeaBase on our own on Monday and had a great time. Sarah pretended to be Blippi and also got the highest score on DoodleJump out of the three of us. Amy and I played lots of Skeeball. We got ice cream on the way home from Peace Love and Icecream, a 60’s style ice cream bus that played 60’s music. My favorite moment was when the theme song to the Monkees was played.
Every night when we are at the mountain house the stuffed animals known as Beanie Boos go wild after Amy goes to bed. One night they had a newspaper headline: Beanie Boos Go Wild. Amy happened to come out minutes after that was placed next to some Beanie Boos (it is hard when she stays up later than we do) and saw the headline. She commented that it was amazing that the Beanie Boos even copied my handwriting. She went back to her bedroom. The Beanie Boos then added a different headline in different writing that said: Beanie Boos Frame Mom.
On Tuesday we all went to Seven Springs, which is a ski resort that also has summer activities. We got adventure passes so many options were available. Carl, Sarah, and Amy did the big trampoline where you are attached by straps that allow you to safely jump high and do flips. Amy and Carl did many flips. Sarah tried but didn’t quite make it. Still, I was impressed that she tried at all. I watched. Amy and Carl also did the climbing wall, the Alpine Slide, and the ropes course. Sarah and I walked around a locker room looking for a water fountain, bought gatorade from a vending machine that was fun to watch, tossed beanbags, and went bowling. We all got ice cream, went to the pool, and went bowling as a family. At the pool, Carl and Sarah played Crocodile Island, which was a version of tag that they invented. Another kid played too and when he left Sarah said, “That was fun playing with ___.” That felt like a huge moment. Amy also played Crocodile Island, after she did about a million hand stands and flips. I swam laps as well as I could given the space. I also swam laps in the indoor pool that had more room and realized how out of shape I am.
Carl is training for a huge bike race that will happen in September. It will be 7 days of mountain biking. So to train he did a couple of long (5-hour) bike rides here. He forgot his heart rate monitor at home so he borrowed my Fitbit for his rides. I honestly think that Fitbit should have sent me a fraud alert inquiring if someone stole my watch because of the sudden dramatic increase in steps (it counts biking) and heart rate levels of intense exercise. That clearly didn’t match my usual lifestyle!
Amy’s newspaper headline was about having to wait for her friend to arrive. For two days we had Amy’s best friend and her parents staying with us and that was immensely wonderful. What luck that Amy’s bff happens to have parents that are some of our best friends too. We had a lovely beach day and then an attempted second beach day. The second beach day was interrupted by the strangest weather pattern that continued for a few days. The forecast would show no rain but then there were pockets of short thunder storms. So Amy and her friend had to get out of the water when there was lightning and we all took cover as the wind picked up and the thunder rumbled. We took cover by the concession stand and ate some ice cream. We all enjoyed hanging out together and playing games, including Spiders in the Dark. That was a game invented by Amy’s friend. When Sarah played we adapted it to “Crocodiles in the Dark.” It is a game of tag played in the dark where you don’t at first know who is IT. I am not a fast spider or crocodile, nor did I crouch and scuttle.
One mystery has been Sarah’s allergies. We know she has seasonal allergies but this year in general they haven’t presented outwardly as much as some years, though she needs daily Claritin. For some reason this week they have been intense, even with Claritin. Claritin doesn’t seem to help much. But what is mysterious is that she seems fine when we aren’t at the house. I tried pulling out all bedding and washing as much as I could. We tried opening all of the windows and alternately closing them all and running the AC. Neither seemed to bring change. So while I wish we had more days of vacation, I’m also looking forward to being at home where hopefully her allergies will go back to their normal levels.
The past two days I really struggled emotionally re Sarah and the obsession with nickels, the whining and protest about food (that doesn’t always happen) and the whining and protest about seemingly anything I said. She also had a big upsets when Amy would be in the bathroom (that comes and goes as a thing for upset or ease). I forgot to make sure Sarah had more breakfast that just her hot chocolate and meds yesterday and was reminded of why I have to make sure she eats. She was yelling a lot and trying to rip the iPad out of Amy’s hands while Amy was having her zoom turn with Mom-Mom. Sarah had already had her turn but wanted the iPad to play a game. There was just so much screaming. And right after the screaming or whining she would ask to snuggle with me. I did not feel at all like I could snuggle. We both cried lots at different times. I never quite felt the ease I sometimes can after a good cry. My tears seemed to clear my tension enough to keep me afloat and functioning but didn’t bring expansive ease or insight. Today seems better for both of us. Maybe because I served something for breakfast that she liked or maybe ???
Amy and I have had a great time playing Double Solitaire. For our first game as I was teaching her to play, we won! I told her that was very unusual. We have played many games since then and haven’t ever won, even when we employ my grandfather’s trick of having a wind blow and scramble the cards in our hands. Amy has her American Girl dolls here too and has done many activities with them and often has matching outfits with them to the best of her ability. Sarah recently got a new Goodnight Moon shirt, but has lamented its lack of a Goodnight Moon House. Amy put Sarah’s American Girl doll in a white shirt and made a detailed paper drawing of a page from Goodnight Moon, including the house, and taped it to the doll’s shirt. Sarah absolutely loves it. Amy is remarkable in her artistic ability and the way she uses it to make things for others. Minutes after a fight with Sarah, Amy started drawing the cover illustrations for the book I had made. It was such a fast turn around for Amy I could hardly believe it. If that’s not deep sister love I don’t know what is. Then again, as many of you pointed out, maybe I don’t give myself enough credit for the times that I do similar fast turn arounds of love and creativity following struggles and upsets. Yes I do. I know I have done a lot that is wonderful and remarkable and creative. It is also still hard sometimes. I do really appreciate the support and reminders and love from all of you who reply or comment at various times. Thank you!
Sometimes Sarah finds things funny or notable when to us they are just toss-off comments. A couple of weeks ago one of my uncles called out to someone in jest, “We’ll be over around 8! Fire up the grill!” Sarah has since loved repeating that. Yesterday Carl explained something about the car and said, “Ka-Chunk.” Sarah has also delighted in repeating that.
Yesterday Carl helped Sarah practice her biking and Amy had a rain party on the deck. Usually every time Amy would get ready for a rain party the short rain squall would be done. So she was pleased to actually have the timing right to get outside and get wet. One night we attempted to have a fire and cook hot dogs, but just as we started the thunder rumbled. We managed to cook our hot dogs and then ran inside to eat them as the heavens opened.
A few things broke this week early in our stay: the car charger (luckily the car was already charged) and the dishwasher. When the repair people fixed the dishwasher yesterday they showed me a tray with the broken pieces of the pump/grinder and what was in it. They said to be careful what we put in the dishwasher. I was puzzled because we always rinse things. But next to the broken metal teeth there were…seeds! Of the sort we find all over this house! The sort the mice bring in and store! So our dishwasher was broken by mice!!!! That can be our new headline: Mice Break Dishwasher.
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