January 23: Basements and Blahs

Basements and blahs are the things on my mind this morning. 

I have felt more blah-zay than usual lately. (Is feeling blah where we get blasé? Did we just make the spelling fancy to make it sophisticated?) I have had less enthusiasm for things than usual. I’m guessing it is either from too much time away from work so I feel rusty  and or from so much time at home. There are so many moments when I think I will do a thing and then Sarah asks to do Chirp Chirp and I deflate with internal grumbles about not getting to do the thing that I was about to do. I’m not sure why this is always harder on weekends. I don’t know why I feel so deflated or grumpy when I know that a solid ten minutes with her is sometimes sufficient. I think it is something about feeling like I have finally geared up and motivated myself to do xyz and then just as I’m about to begin comes the request to change tack. Sure I could say no, and I often do, but then I’m choosing to have an upset Sarah and that can derail me just as much as snuggling and chirping with a happy Sarah. I also feel guilty when I snuggle and chirp but am clearly not really into it and am resentful and do not want to talk about my different t-shirts or the fact that she has a new system instead of her nickel chart. I don’t want to blame my blahs on Sarah though. I think the main issue is the journey I have been on since she was wee, and that is to have room for both of us and not just give up all of myself to her needs, but also not fashion my own path via grumbles and resentment. Sometimes it is easy to have my own  projects and path and sometimes it isn’t. Sometimes it is easy to snuggle with Sarah and sometimes it isn’t. This is all just to say that this past week wasn’t always quite so easy. But neither can I say it was all that hard. It just was.

I’m sure much of the week was actually great. It felt short. Monday there was no school because of MLK day so we went sledding and worked on cleaning the house. Tuesday Amy had a snow day and Sarah’s school was virtual, but all of my Tuesday clients had cancelled for various reasons so it was easy to be home. However, I had been thinking I would have that day as my Monday, which is supposed to be my Jenny day. My intention is to have Mondays be my day to work on my book and get groceries. We are now almost done with January and the first Monday of 2022 that I will have as truly just my day (a school day meaning about 4 1/2 hrs) is January 31. Because every Monday has had one or both kids home. I love that too, but I think not having a 4-hour chunk of time to myself in so long that I don’t remember when it last was is perhaps taking its toll. 

Now, on to the basement. Our basement is overflowing with way too much stuff. Most of the time when I have to go down to the basement for something I want to scream and rent a dumpster and throw out all of our belongings. So for my birthday, still several weeks away, I told Carl that I wanted a basement where I didn’t want to scream and get a dumpster. This is going to take a lot of work. We have started. It is equally exciting, daunting, and overwhelming. It makes me want to clean all areas of the house, which is great, but I can’t do it all at once and that can feel hard too. 

I hope you are all well and having a day for yourself every once in a while.