January 30: Buses, Bridges, and Birthdays

Fern Hollow Bridge is falling down, falling down, falling down…

Indeed. In case you missed it, on Friday morning a bridge in Pittsburgh collapsed. This bridge is approximately one minute from our house by car and five minutes by foot. I drive over it at least twice a day a few days per week to get to my office or to take Sarah to school if there is a delay with the Pittsburgh Public school buses, as there was on Friday. Accounts vary about the exact time of the collapse, but Sarah and I missed being on the bridge at that time by about half an hour or an hour. I know we only would have been on it for a minute so could have been unscathed even if the timing was tighter, but it is still a scary thing to contemplate. 

As I attempted to take Sarah to school by our usual route, we saw a ton of emergency vehicles blocking the way. I assumed it was a major accident, but I couldn’t see beyond the flashing lights. I have never seen so many emergency vehicles in one place and continuously arriving. As I returned from taking Sarah to school, I saw people in military gear and called Carl to say that something big must have happened. He checked the news and saw that along with the collapse of the bridge a gas line was severed, thus pouring gas into the air until it was shut off. Many colorful words of shock flowed off my tongue at the news. The absence of this bridge will now impact many people for the next few years. I expect it will take a while before I stop having the impulse to take my normal route, just like when the power goes out and you still flick the switch to turn on a light. Given that my normal commute to my office was five minutes, I can’t really complain about it shifting to ten or fifteen minutes, but it could go beyond that given how many people will be taking the same alternate path. I also feel more nervous about driving across any bridge, which you kind of have to do all the time to go almost anywhere in Pittsburgh. 

Earlier in the week Carl and I took Amy to visit her middle school campus for next year. How is she going to be in middle school?! She is most excited about not having to wear a uniform anymore and about having no assigned seats for lunches. She is also eager to participate in her art class. When we got home from this excursion, Sarah was reading out loud to Grandpa from Let’s Go For A Drive by Mo Willems. Amy eagerly joined her for an impromptu performance that was filled with much energy and glee.

Sarah had many times throughout the past week of having big sad feelings. This was notably more than usual and we wondered if it was due to her approaching period. On Thursday her teacher called me to come get Sarah from school because she was so upset and complaining of a headache. Once she was in the car she immediately started talking about feelings sad at school, even though her teacher had said there wasn’t anything she noticed that would have caused sadness. Sometimes Sarah remembers some past time of sadness and the feeling becomes as real again as if it was new. This seemed the likeliest explanation and Sarah was in good spirits again in relatively short order. 

Today is Sarah's birthday eve, so yesterday we had a small party for her with two friends, masked for play and distanced when eating. As her first friend arrived I felt unexpectedly teary at having such normal moment of a friend coming inside to play. We haven’t done that in so long. To prepare, Sarah and Amy and I baked a cake and cupcakes and decorated the house with musical note items. Amy was a party-planning genius and totally took the reins once I started talking about a game idea of “pin the note on the staff” (which they had played with Anna in the past). While I was busy cleaning, Amy made a staff on construction paper and taped it to the wall. She then had the idea to make a “Go Fish” game except with musical note cards and when you didn’t get your request you would have to “Go Play,” taking a new card from the pile and playing a random note on the piano. She and Sarah made the cards. Amy also made musical notes out of perler beads, and she planned how she could teach people to draw musical-note mice. She wore her shirt with musical notes and cats, and when Sarah saw her she shrieked with delight and ran to put on her own similar shirt. 

The party went well. Carl facilitated the kids drawing musical notes, cutting them out of construction paper, adding tape, closing their eyes, being spun around, and trying to tape the notes to the staff. Much laughter was had by all. After the pizza and cupcakes, the kids played Hungry Hippo, a game which Sarah always seems to win and we don’t know how she has such speed and power. Sarah had some big feelings about really needing a shirt the exact same color as Amy’s and about wanting to open her other presents from family members right away. So the last half hour of the party was challenging for Sarah (and me), but overall it really went well. It warms my heart to the extreme that Sarah has two kid friends that I really consider her friends. Sure, they have hardly seen each other and sure Sarah doesn’t always connect with them, but still. They are her friends. 

After the friends left, Sarah was still having very strong feelings. Amy and I did too so it made for rather a mess of things. Carl was his usual calm self and helped us all relocate to regain our equilibrium. Later in the day as we talked about the bridge collapse, he said he read transcripts of the calls to 911 about the bridge and how impressed he was with the calm of the dispatchers in response to such a crazy situation. I said it reminded me of his level of calm in this house when the rest of us have flown off the handle and are desperately trying to grab that handle.

A couple other highlights from the week include Sarah peeling carrots by herself!! Sarah has been enjoying wearing glasses all week. They are non-prescription play glasses, but she has been wearing them to school and around the house. Sarah delighted in reading her birthday card from Mom-Mom, in using her new toy lawn mower from Pop-Pop, and in drinking from her new musical note mug from Grammy and Granddad. (She didn’t give a fig about the presents Carl and I got for her, at least not right away). Sarah and Amy played easily and happily many times yesterday. Sarah got a pop-up bus for her birthday and the kids delighted in riding to school, dealing with multiple calamities: Sarah forgot her lunch many times, she forgot her papers, and then Amy chimed in that the bridge had collapsed. Later, they sat at the card table and played Uno for a loooong time. Lastly, there was one snuggle session with Sarah when she was talking about how she used to watch Baby Babble 2 when she was very little. Then she called me “Mama Babble,” setting me up to respond, “Yes, Baby Babble?” I cracked up and she seemed quite pleased with herself for setting me up in this small joke. 

I hope you are all well and that your bridges don’t collapse.

January 23: Basements and Blahs

Basements and blahs are the things on my mind this morning. 

I have felt more blah-zay than usual lately. (Is feeling blah where we get blasé? Did we just make the spelling fancy to make it sophisticated?) I have had less enthusiasm for things than usual. I’m guessing it is either from too much time away from work so I feel rusty  and or from so much time at home. There are so many moments when I think I will do a thing and then Sarah asks to do Chirp Chirp and I deflate with internal grumbles about not getting to do the thing that I was about to do. I’m not sure why this is always harder on weekends. I don’t know why I feel so deflated or grumpy when I know that a solid ten minutes with her is sometimes sufficient. I think it is something about feeling like I have finally geared up and motivated myself to do xyz and then just as I’m about to begin comes the request to change tack. Sure I could say no, and I often do, but then I’m choosing to have an upset Sarah and that can derail me just as much as snuggling and chirping with a happy Sarah. I also feel guilty when I snuggle and chirp but am clearly not really into it and am resentful and do not want to talk about my different t-shirts or the fact that she has a new system instead of her nickel chart. I don’t want to blame my blahs on Sarah though. I think the main issue is the journey I have been on since she was wee, and that is to have room for both of us and not just give up all of myself to her needs, but also not fashion my own path via grumbles and resentment. Sometimes it is easy to have my own  projects and path and sometimes it isn’t. Sometimes it is easy to snuggle with Sarah and sometimes it isn’t. This is all just to say that this past week wasn’t always quite so easy. But neither can I say it was all that hard. It just was.

I’m sure much of the week was actually great. It felt short. Monday there was no school because of MLK day so we went sledding and worked on cleaning the house. Tuesday Amy had a snow day and Sarah’s school was virtual, but all of my Tuesday clients had cancelled for various reasons so it was easy to be home. However, I had been thinking I would have that day as my Monday, which is supposed to be my Jenny day. My intention is to have Mondays be my day to work on my book and get groceries. We are now almost done with January and the first Monday of 2022 that I will have as truly just my day (a school day meaning about 4 1/2 hrs) is January 31. Because every Monday has had one or both kids home. I love that too, but I think not having a 4-hour chunk of time to myself in so long that I don’t remember when it last was is perhaps taking its toll. 

Now, on to the basement. Our basement is overflowing with way too much stuff. Most of the time when I have to go down to the basement for something I want to scream and rent a dumpster and throw out all of our belongings. So for my birthday, still several weeks away, I told Carl that I wanted a basement where I didn’t want to scream and get a dumpster. This is going to take a lot of work. We have started. It is equally exciting, daunting, and overwhelming. It makes me want to clean all areas of the house, which is great, but I can’t do it all at once and that can feel hard too. 

I hope you are all well and having a day for yourself every once in a while.

January 16: When Covid Came to Call

Ah, Covid, we meet at last. 

Well, sort of. Last Sunday Sarah was notably sniffly so I tested her, and she was positive. Amy ran up to her room in tears. Carl and I double checked all protocols and rules pertaining to our regular lives, and I began canceling every single plan for my week. Since all of us are vaccinated, if we didn’t show symptoms then it was ok to go to work or school (masked), except someone needed to be home with Sarah. That someone was me. Carl was due to fly to Texas the next day for work, and Amy had school all week. We started wearing our KN95 masks in the house whenever we were together or in common areas. Amy basically spent the entire week in her room when she wasn’t at school. Sarah stayed in her room or my bedroom. For the night that Carl was here he stayed and ate in the basement. Then he was gone until Friday night. I delivered meals by tray to the kids because they could be unmasked in their rooms. Mealtimes felt so lonely at the beginning. The night before all of this started, I had commented about how much I loved it when we all ate together at the table with candlelight and music. For the first few nights of our strange in-house isolation pattern, I got excited as I thought about dinnertime approaching and then remembered that we wouldn’t be together and felt so sad. Amy felt this all deeply too. It was hard not to be able to kiss my kids, though I learned from Sarah that you can still make a kissing sound and have your mask touch someone’s head and that is still heartwarming. 

Sarah and I spent hours and hours together, masked, snuggling in my bed and saying “chirp chirp” and talking about my new shirt that has a bear with wings holding a fairy. The fairy represents the daughter of a friend of mine who has big life challenges. Sarah loved to ask me repeatedly if it was a bear or a hedgehog. I have no idea from whence that dilemma originated. She liked to snuggle her head on my chest as she pretended to be the fairy while I was the mama bear. She also wanted to talk about a shirt I used to have based on I Want My Hat Back by Jon Klassen since it also had a bear on it. And she wanted to go over all of my different t-shirts and the various colors of pants I have and where I bought them. I’m used to our repetitive interactions, but this week was really above and beyond in terms of how often we did this. I also let Sarah have more technology turns than usual in order to save my sanity. One morning after I walked Amy part way to school, I came home and just sat on the sofa looking at Facebook. I couldn’t bring myself to tell Sarah I was back. Then I rallied and we began our usual routines. When we napped together, she was unmasked and I was masked. It is very weird to nap while wearing a mask. 

Covid numbers were so high at Sarah’s school that they didn’t have enough staff to continue in-person schooling. Instead of missing a full week of school, Sarah only missed Monday. The rest of the week was virtual so she had anywhere from one to four GoogleMeets. Thursday and Friday were the synchronous days with the most meetings and were thus my easiest days. It was also a freeing revelation that we could walk to a mailbox! We were actually free to leave the house.

Every night I waited until 11pm to go to bed, which is later than usual, because I wanted to let my bedroom air settle for three hours before being in there unmasked. Saturday morning felt like Christmas in terms of the elation in our household at being able to move freely around the house and each other without masks. I know we were very lucky that the only difficulties were those described here and not any real physical health concern. Sarah’s symptoms never moved beyond very slight congestion and an occasional cough. 

For Christmas I bought Sarah a box of 12 Peppa Pig puzzles, even though jigsaw puzzles have always been quite hard for her. Whenever I asked her if she wanted to do them she said no, but one day after we played Chutes and Ladders, I flipped that board over and took out one puzzle for us to do. Sarah was instantly way more interested in this puzzle that I expected. I think it was because she recognized the characters. We did several puzzles overall, with me always helping with what pieces I handed her or making suggestions. I felt like it was a delicate balance to slightly challenge her without having her get so frustrated that she would give up. The concept of edges and corners is elusive and does not factor into Sarah’s placement attempts. One night she said she wanted to do a puzzle by herself but wanted me to sit with her. It took great restraint to just witness. When she asked for help occasionally I made verbal comments but that was all. She did the whole puzzle by herself!!!!! This is way above and beyond what I thought she could do. I feel like it was a good metaphor for parenting and life, reminding me not to help so much. That is hard!! 

Yesterday the kids made a smoothie all by themselves. They also played together often. There were many times when Sarah wanted to do Chirp Chirp with me when Amy would swoop in, to my relief, and invite Sarah to play Squeak. Squeak is a game where they sit on my bed and tip back simultaneously while saying, “Squeak!” Amy took selfies of the two of them playing and sent them to me. Amy also had a lot of fun with dress-ups since we sorted through our bins to clear out whatever didn’t fit. Meanwhile, Sarah helped fill the new bird feeder that a friend gave us for Christmas. Overall yesterday was a good day, which left me room to feel all the feelings about how hard the week had been. So by the evening I was the one needing time for tears. My old stuffed animal puppet Blackberry was a very good listener. My mom used to inhabit Blackberry when I was younger so it was easy to imagine Blackberry’s kind and inquisitive personality. It really is so wonderful having all of us back together again in our shared spaces with bared faces.

I hope you are all well. Or if you aren’t, then I hope your cases are mild and your isolation short.

January 9: Exit Signs and Chirps

We are mostly unpacked and back in the swing of things. Sarah talked with her teacher about getting rid of the nickel system and seemed to have a good week. Amy had virtual school for Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. It was fine, but some things took her a long time so she was working at school related things well past her normal dismissal time. One teacher assigned a New Years packet of pages to fill out with various things about the past or coming year. I think it was meant to be fun and quick, but it hasn’t been either of those for Amy. In fact, it is still looming on the horizon for today. 

Our cat has been thrilled to have us back at home, although she had a lot of meowing to do first, expressing her displeasure that we had been gone. Amy has happily soaked up tons of cat snuggles.

Sarah has been asking for weeks for an Exit sign that lights up. Yesterday Carl took her to use some of her Christmas money to buy an Exit sign. Now our dining room glows red. I’m not sure where this sign will ultimately reside, but Sarah is thrilled to have it.

There was one moment when Sarah wanted to listen to music on Carl’s computer while watching the progress bar for the song. He still had some work to do for the day so told her she could listen until the progress bar got to the 15-second mark. At 14 seconds, Sarah promptly switched to a different song. Carl and I cracked up at her precision and cunning.

I have no idea where Baby Bird was born, but that is Sarah’s newest love of who to pretend to be. She goes around saying, “Chirp chirp” and wanting me to respond in kind. Most people we encounter think it is adorable and charming. Most of my experience is of frustration if I am somehow not chirping just as she wants me to chirp and with the never-ending string of chirps. On Friday I really thought I would go out of my gourd if I had to chirp or hear any more chirps. However, yesterday when she came to give me some snuggles while I was reading on the sofa, she started bopping the top of my head with her nose after she chirped. I asked what she was doing and she responded, “pecking.” Again, I cracked up even though I didn’t actually enjoy the pecking.

Yesterday Carl and the girls went sledding, and then an hour later Amy went out again to sled with a friend. She was one tired kiddo after that. 

For all the times that the kids fight, it is also good to remember all of the times they play easily together. Last night as Carl fixed dinner we could hear the kids playing Chutes and Ladders and laughing at their moments of misfortune.

January 2: Puppets and Profound Shifts

The remainder of our time in Florida was wonderful. Basking in the sun while eating at an outdoor restaurant at the edge of the beach, I was the most relaxed I can remember feeling in ages. Then one day we saw a dolphin swimming right near where we were sitting! It was amazing. I’ve never been so close to one that wasn’t in captivity. We felt extra lucky to have seen it given that our dolphin-watching boat trip didn’t yield much. Carl saw some dolphins at a far distance. Amy and I didn’t see them and were disappointed. Sarah didn’t see them but I don’t think she minded. 

As we drove to the airport in Orlando we realized that our flight had been moved earlier, and we would miss our flight. If we had looked more carefully when checking in the night before we could have caught that detail. But we didn’t. We are used to airlines making a big deal on email or text if a time is changed. Luckily Carl was able to get us on the 4pm flight the same day so our plans weren’t too disrupted. It still took a long time after we landed before we had our luggage and rental car in Philly. Sarah’s belly was a bit unhappy after the flight. So was mine and so was Amy’s, but to a smaller degree, maybe from a bit of turbulence. Once we were on our way to Grammy and Granddad’s everyone was ok. 

Grammy gave us COVID tests and a dinner we could eat in the car while waiting for the test results. The food was good and the results were all negative so we happily went inside to begin our visit. Sarah eagerly awoke the next day, again announcing, “it’s Christmas!” After breakfast and watching her show we were about to open presents when Sarah suddenly didn’t feel well. Crap!! That was not how I wanted things to go. After some resting and Advil she seemed ok enough that we did presents. The next day dawned and she seemed well until mid-morning when she again complained about feeling sick. It seemed legitimate because what could there be to get out of when on vacation? When we encouraged her to hang out with us she cried and cried. I was inwardly freaking out, wondering if she did need to see a doctor. She said her head hurt and she felt woozy and her ears hurt and her throat hurt. I couldn’t tell what was real and what was her usual list of ailments. I wondered if she just couldn’t find the words to describe what she was feeling. 

One of the presents I got Sarah for Christmas was a Goodnight Moon toy made of a green background and moveable pieces, such as the moon and the red balloon, from the book that can stick on the background with velcro. It also came with a puppet of the bunny in blue and white pajamas. As I headed upstairs to cuddle a crying Sarah, I grabbed the puppet. Puppets are surprisingly effective at evoking a different feeling of communication even when you know that it is a person making the puppet move. I think I will use the puppet more often in the future. 

Through the bunny puppet, I asked Sarah to tell me more. As she talked about not feeling well she also asked if I could tell her teacher and bus driver that she wouldn’t be in school next week. The bunny asked what about school she wasn’t wanting. She said something about nickels. The bunny said she could ask for a change to the nickel system if that would help. Instantly Sarah’s whole demeanor changed as if a switch had been turned. She became sparkly and empowered and never mentioned feeling sick in any way after that moment. This was astonishing. Remember nickel feelings? I think she was dealing with those on a monumental scale. 

I wrote to her teacher to explain what had been happening with Sarah’s health and the shift in her at the thought of being free from the nickel system. Her teacher called me soon after receiving my email. She and I think that maybe the assistants were taking nickels away more quickly than the main teacher did, with fewer warnings, not knowing what a huge emotional impact it would have. Sarah’s teacher is happy to talk with Sarah about a different system. Sarah has been practicing saying variations of “Mrs….. can we change my nickel system, please?” She is clear, not whining, and makes solid eye contact. She is empowered. 

The rest of our trip went smoothly with a wonderful time at Grammy and Granddad’s house, especially after Sarah’s empowered wellness turn around. Then we had a wonderful time at Mom-Mom and Pop-Pop’s house, with many Conversations (aka play sessions). Mom-Mom said Sarah was more fluid and verbal than ever during one play session. Sarah evidently was a bus driver evading many obstacles and at one point saying, “people! What are you doing, people?!” I know she is quoting me so I’m glad my language is tame as I drive even when I’m expressing annoyance. Pop-Pop had a conversation with Sarah while sitting on the porch. That moment came after she had been wanting to play on their treadmill in a way we didn’t want her to play. We reminded her that to show she was ready to not have a nickel chart it would help if she easily listened and said “ok.” That took a few reminders and explanations but it did work. It also seemed like Sarah was relieved to go hang out with Pop-Pop. 

Another tiny new thing is that Sarah asked Amy to braid her hair. So Sarah has been sporting two braids for many days. I love her new look. 

May you have magical dolphin moments and be free from any nagging nickel feelings of doom.