August 29: School, Stress, and Sisters

Sarah is now officially a 7th grader. Due to the heat she had dress-down days instead of uniform days. She started school on Thursday, riding the bus to and from as she did in the past. You must be thinking that I received bus information in the mail as promised. Ah, but no. Still nothing, despite having been told that it would arrive the week before she started school. I found out her bus details by contacting the St. Anthony Program transportation person who contacted the bus company and emailed me a copy of the letter that in theory has been mailed. Why, why, why, why, why in this age of computer technology is the bus company still sending out letters via snail mail rather than by email?!?!?! Anyway, I’m glad I had other ways to get the details. The bus was about half an hour late getting Sarah and half an hour late bringing her home on the first day. The second day was better so fingers are crossed that in the future it will be timely. 

Sarah loved being back at school and is eager to return. She has to wait until Wednesday because tomorrow morning I take her to the Children’s Hospital for an overnight EEG. This is sort-of routine, but prompted by her few break-through seizures over the past several months. She had an overnight EEG a few years ago after her first seizure since infanthood, and it was a nightmare getting the leads on her head. It took two of us to hold her down because she was screaming and fighting the process so much. It was awful to torture her in the name of getting information to keep her healthy. So… this time around I asked the neurologist if there was something we could do to help her be more relaxed for the process. He suggested partial sedation, which is apparently a new thing to offer. This will just be for placing the leads on her head. I’m relieved that the beginning should be easier, but the downside is that she has to fast. She can’t have anything, not even water, after 3:30am Monday morning. Her appointment is at 11:30am!! I am torn between wanting to fast too out of solidarity and wanting to make sure I’m well fed and hydrated so I can really be my best self to support her. If I do eat it will be clandestinely. In theory we will be done by 7am Tuesday morning, but I’ve arranged for Anna to hang out with her while I teach rather than sending Sarah to school. I just don’t know how well we will sleep at the hospital or if it will be stressful for Sarah so I wanted to make sure she has a restful easy day.

Amy’s Monday was tough. She came home exhausted, in tears, and with a headache. It was 90 degrees and she said her class ate lunch outside. Then she had the 15 minute walk home. She also reported that math class was stressful because the problem they were given was hard and other kids buddied up to solve it but she didn’t have someone she felt she could pair with. She needed a snack, water, air conditioning, and a nap. After that she felt much better. For the other 90 degree days I picked her up from school. I also reached out to the principal who said it was optional to eat outside, though Amy said that seemed not to be clearly communicated to the kids. Still, Amy was relieved. The rest of her week was better. 

One thing the pandemic really helped with was Amy’s frustration with and anger towards Sarah. Unfortunately, when Amy gets stressed about school things or other life things, Sarah seems to be the recipient of Amy’s feelings. Sadly, with in-person school that dynamic has started again, and I don’t know how to temper it. Yesterday Amy got mad at Sarah for grabbing her owl stuffed animal when they were out doing an errand. It was an errand nearby and Amy came home by herself before Sarah and Carl returned. Amy wrote in chalk on the front steps, “ I HATE YOU SARAH” and signed it “YOUR WORST ENEMIE.” What breaks my heart is that Sarah saw that when she came home because I didn’t know it was there. Once I saw it I poured water over it until it was gone. I don’t know how Sarah felt about it. She didn’t seem upset, but still. Still. 

Amy also packed a backpack and sleeping bag and ran away to the tree at the end of our street. When I found her and told her I had been calling for her all over the house and that I had been worried, she burst into tears. So, we went home and I gave her some water. I listened to her tears about how unfair it is that Sarah isn’t more like her and how unfair it is that people like Sarah exist. I totally understand Amy’s feelings and have certainly had such grief myself. And yet. It is still so heartbreaking. I reminded her that while Sarah is sometimes frustrating, she also has us all cracking up with laughter many times. I pointed out that many of the people we love in our life (Anna, Sc, Gregory, M) wouldn’t be with us if Sarah wasn’t who she is. And that Carl and I and all of the volunteers over the years worked our butts off to help Sarah talk, make eye contact, play games, use the bathroom, and read. When I said that Amy had been one of the most helpful people for teaching Sarah to play, she got a small smile in her being that then she tried to hide. Then I steered the conversation towards how Amy would feel if she came home and saw words such as “I hate Amy” or towards her BFF. She knew she would not like such a thing at all. I offered to find a support group or therapist and she bristled at the mere idea. For now I hope I made it clear enough that it is ok to have all of her feelings and to share them with me, but not to say or write them where Sarah will hear or see them. These conversations feel tricky to navigate. I feel like I should now add many words to assure all readers of my deep love for Sarah just as she is and that it doesn’t matter about how we worked to help her or the other people she has brought into our life. It certainly doesn’t matter in terms of her lovability. It does matter when trying to remind someone who is very mad and upset and not feeling loving towards her.

We love the George and Martha hippo books. There is one story in which Martha gets so mad at George she resolves never to speak to him again. But then she keeps seeing things she knows he would appreciate or that she wants to share with him. So she relents and they are friends again. Amy so often resolves never to speak to Sarah again but then once her anger passes she readily connects with Sarah and enjoys that connection. So I will have to trust to that being the truest foundation, and that Amy does actually love Sarah despite the frustrations.

August 22: School, Biking, and Rigid Flexibility (Flexible Rigidity?)

Amy is a 5th grader! She has absolutely loved every day of school and is eagerly looking forward to a full week of school. For her first day it rained all day, but she happily donned her new Frozen rainboots and carried her pink cat umbrella. 

Sarah had her first hour of 7th-grade Anna Mouse Sarah Mouse School House. She officially starts 7th grade at her school on Thursday. I still do not have the information about her bus and if she even has one! I am uncharacteristically relaxed about it at this point, probably because I can drive her both ways on Thursday without changing anything on my schedule. Friday is a different matter so my fingers are crossed, and I may be less relaxed if I don’t know more by Wednesday.

Last Sunday Carl took the girls to the Wheel Mill, an indoor biking venue. Sarah had been watching the Olympic track cycling in the Velodrome and asking to ride in the same place. The Wheel Mill isn’t quite the same, but did satisfy Sarah’s desire. She rented a balance bike and Amy used the bike the girls share at home. Amy loved it and did about a million laps. Sarah liked it too, but timed out after a shorter ride. Sarah has also been riding her stationary Zwift bike while watching the Olympic athletes ride. 

Amy is an enthusiastic and prolific Playdoh baker. Her most recent passion is for making layer cakes with frosting and decorations on top. Once the cake is completed she removes a slice so you can see the beauty of her creation. The amount of dried Playdoh food, shaping materials and molds, and fresh Playdoh in our house is staggering, but I want to support Amy’s artistic endeavors in whatever medium she desires. The food creations are used to provide a daily variety of meals to the American Girl Dolls. The dolls also got ready for school each day, with uniforms and masks. Their school is in our family room. 

My brother is visiting and we are having a wonderful relaxed weekend. Sarah gave him a gigantic hug upon his arrival and calls out a morning greeting every day before he is even awake. Later today he will help us move our old couch to a new home because we got a new one. We are hoping our cat is less interested in shredding the new sofa. To prepare the living room, Sarah helped vacuum while wearing sunglasses and her customary pajama bottoms. Her fashion choices often remind me of a stereotypical frat boy.

Sarah is simultaneously the most rigid and most flexible person that I know. For weeks she has been desperately wanting the pair of Spiderman slippers she had when she was 4. These no longer are made, and I can’t find any similar slippers in her size. She has been in tears and screams many times about this. However, this week she easily cut out red circles from construction paper, wrote some letters on them, and taped them to her plaid slippers. Then she was totally happy. So she rigidly had to have her old Spiderman slippers but then super-flexibly allowed a paper substitute that looks nothing like the original.

August 15: An Awesome Week Followed by Big Feelings

This past week was super wonderful for the kids. They attended Camp Anna’s Place every day. Each night I helped them pack their lunch for the following day. I was still chopping the fruits and veggies and putting them in small containers, but Amy made her own sandwiches and sometimes made my lunch too! I also cut Sarah’s hot dog but on the one day she opted for a sunbutter and jam sandwich she made that herself. They were the ones to put their various containers into their lunch bags. I’m still involved with the process, but this is a huge shift from past school years when I would make their lunches without their participation. 

The themes for Camp Anna’s Place were 

Field Day: Wear Your Camp Anna shirt (Sarah didn’t but that’s ok)

All Over Anna’s Place: Dress like Anna (Sarah does this daily)

Mr. Dream Surprise: Dress like Mr. Dream Surprise (Anna’s cat)

Olympians!: Bring your leotard

Indoor Camping: Don’t forget your sleeping bag

They went swimming, went to a fun new playground, made leotards to fit American Girl dolls, went “fishing” in a cloth pond with pipe cleaner fish, made cat toys, drew still-life art pictures, did gymnastics, had dance parties, and made s’mores. Anna created pictures with a green-screen so it looks like Sarah is in the Goodnight Moon House. Sarah is wearing Anna’s Halloween costume from last year that was a house to match Sarah’s house costume. The picture of Amy makes it look like she is a princess in a castle. Sarah was super upset when camp was over so we arranged for the babysitting tomorrow and Tuesday to also be at Anna’s place instead of at our house. 

We have arranged a regular weekly playtime that will start this week. Every Wednesday afternoon Anna will come for Anna Mouse School House to give Sarah some extra tutoring in school subjects for an hour. After that there will be two hours of play time with Amy participating too. I’m relieved to have found this way for Anna to continue to be a regular part of our lives. I was feeling some grief about going from almost daily Anna time for the past year and a half to basically none due to the start of in-person school. This weekly few hours seems like a perfect solution.

Amy is super excited to start fifth grade on Wednesday. It will be in person, masked, and at a 3ft distance when possible. Sarah starts 7th grade on Aug 26. I’m still waiting to know if Sarah will ride the bus or not. There is a shortage of drivers in Pittsburgh and I can certainly drive her if needed, but if her bus route will still be happening then I want her to be on it.

Every day a new baby is born to add to Sarah’s list of babies that I will miss when she is away at Anna’s or at school. The newest babies are Baby Lawnmower, Baby Motor, Baby Cord, and Baby Bus. Sarah also loves it when we Snuggle. Snuggling now officially means I hug and sort of tickle her back while saying “snuggle, snuggle, snuggle” and mush my nose into her cheek or give her kisses.  

I’ve never really been one to put stock in special rocks or crystals, but this week I was on the receiving end of some bad energy and unkindness. It was really ruffling my feathers and I really wanted it to stop. Friday morning I looked up what gems could protect me from bad energy. I wore everything I had with crystals or hematite and put black obsidian and a clear crystal in my pockets. I don’t know if it was the placebo effect or the person just losing oomph to send bad energy my way or what, but I definitely felt better, stronger, and more protected. And the bad energy via rude emails stopped. 

Friday night Sarah wasn’t feeling the best and was needing to spit up some phlegm. This happens every so often for her and doesn’t seem to relate to an actual bug. Friday night and last night Amy wasn’t feeling the best, but during the day yesterday she was fine and she feels well now. We have had this pattern of sickness/wellness in the past. I think that it is actually stemming from super deep feelings and fears that are easy not to feel during the day but harder to ignore at night. That doesn’t necessarily make anything better to know it may be feelings rather than a bug, but maybe realizing it can eventually help me not get all scared myself. Every time either kid seems slightly unwell I get myself all worked up with fear and anticipation of bad things to come and with trying to summon some mom-magic to instantly make them well. Usually the kid side of things ends up being mild and passing within a day or two. I always give myself a couple of nights of an upset stomach that I know is one hundred percent my fears, and yet as of now I’m still not able to fully process the fears or let go of them. The meta-level perspective helps a bit, but doesn’t just resolve the matter. 

I hope you are all well and that you have only good energy flowing your way. 

August 8: Chair Perfection, Beach Fun, and a Frisbee Surprise

We received from Anna the most perfectly Amy-ish and Sarah-ish chairs ever. The chairs are custom-made and if you want to commission a chair as I did, just let me know and I’ll put you in touch with Anna. You need to be able to do a local pick-up. Amy’s chair is all about cats, with a cat face for the backrest, pink paw prints decorating the purple legs, and cheetah-print cloth for the seat cushion. Sarah’s chair has a Goodnight Moon house as the backrest, musical note fabric for the seat cushion, and is wearing Elephant and Piggie socks just like Sarah wears daily. There is even a tiny Pigeon on one leg, just as there is a tiny Pigeon on the socks.

We are finishing up a wonderful vacation at our mountain house. The weather has been perfect, allowing for many hours at the lake beach nearby. We also enjoyed multiple outdoor visits with friends, including one of my best friends (since I was 4) and her family. Amy got a beach day with her BFF while we got to hang out with the BFF’s parents who are our friends, and yesterday we visited friends who have a dock on a lake. Amy was in heaven with all of the swimming and water play. Sarah liked playing in the sand and sitting on the dock. Normally Sarah puts on a swimsuit and gets in the water at least a bit. This week she preferred to keep her clothes on and not wear a swimsuit, even if she went wading far enough that her shorts got wet. A surprising and exciting Sarah moment came when she picked up our frisbee at the beach and initiated a game of tossing it back and forth with me. She can really do it now, even though it has been two years since we last practiced with her. She can throw and catch as well as I can! Neither of us are super skilled but we can manage, and we had a good time, with many rounds of passing where the frisbee never touched the ground. Sarah also did an impressive job traversing the steep hillside to get to and from the dock.

Sarah and Amy both rode their bike for a bit. Sarah is still using it as a balance bike, but was impressively eager to do so. Amy hasn’t really ridden in about a year but did a tremendous ride with Carl that included steep rocky paths. For another form of wheeled play, Carl got a radio-controlled car that the girls have named Mango. They enjoyed steering it over rocks and into overgrown grass. 

We have had many wonderful snuggles this week. Carl documented one snuggle moment between Amy and me when he was up on a very tall ladder replacing a chandelier that didn’t provide light with one that is bright. Other times, the girls pretended to sleep, delighting in Carl figuring out different ways to keep them awake. 

This coming week the kids will attend Camp Anna’s Place. They are super excited. Sarah has been eagerly anticipating this all summer. She especially likes it when I say how much I will miss her and when I lament, “What will I do when you are away?” She goes through a long list of all of the babies that I will miss, all of them being her. Baby Uh-Oh, Baby Oh Dear, Baby Oh No, Baby Musical Note, Baby Mouse the Mouse, Baby Mousey, Baby Tiger, Baby Panda, Baby Tiny, Baby Goodnight Moon House, Baby Tie-Dye, Baby Empty, Baby Susie Sheep, Baby Here, Baby There, and Baby Everywhere. The list grows daily and I’m sure I’ve forgotten some. 

August 1: Rough Moments and Good Moments in a Very Busy Week

Two updates diverged in the woods…Some weeks I easily see everything with a glow. Other weeks, not so much. This past week has been a mix so I feel like I could write two very different updates. Here they are one right after the other. 

The rough parts first. As I drove home from work on Wednesday the road closest to my street was blocked 3/4 of the way in by a fence put up by a construction company pouring concrete for a driveway. There was no recourse except to do a many-point turn in the minimal space afforded by empty parking spots. There are no driveways at all in block leading to the sole driveway being filled. There was a line of three cars behind me. This is not the widest road to begin with. My car is small and has a good turning radius so how were bigger cars doing it?! This was a potentially dangerous situation and definitely an annoying one. It could have been so easily avoided if the bleeping company had put a “road closed” sign at the entrance to the road. After going around a different way and parking, I walked back to where the work was happening to explain the situation. I thought maybe they just didn’t realize the trouble they were causing. Before I finished speaking I was clearly and rudely dismissed. It was infuriating, and I yelled and screamed to make my points. All to no avail. 

Later in the week, I went to Walgreens to get something I needed for my office and I had a very small window of time for my errand. Unfortunately this was also a time when they only had one person at the photo checkout counter to help everyone in the store check out. I waited. There was a couple to one side who had been looking at their photos, and when it was my turn at the counter the cashier said he needed to check them out because they were now ready. Fine. I understand. Then he didn’t have the required change so a manager came over to give him the keys to open a different register for change. Ok. Then the manager stepped in to help the remaining customers. With me standing directly in front of him, right at the counter, with my stuff on the counter, he basically looked over my head and asked who was next. !!! I said that I was, probably with some surprise and assertiveness in my voice. Then he looked at me as if waiting for something. I explained that I had no photo order and it was just the items on the counter because there was no one at the other checkout counters. Why was this so hard to grasp?! GRRRR. 

As often happens, I debate about what details to share. Part of me thinks I should just swallow the hard moments or let them go more easily. The other part of me wants to share because I know such sharing is what some people find most helpful and relatable. Mainly, I’m sharing because I’m working at letting it be more ok to be who I actually am. My right hip issues have been getting better as I let my leg be how it wants to be instead of trying to walk “right” in any way. I’m letting myself walk like me. 

I know that part of why this week felt hard was just being too busy, and that I need to have more limits on how many things can go in a day. Often when I’m planning a day in advance I may think, “ooh, that’s getting a bit full” but then rationalize that I can make it all happen. And I can. It’s just that it isn’t sustainable to have three days in a row that are totally packed with very little down time, even if they seem to go smoothly. I’m also expecting my period, which basically turns up the volume on things feeling hard and weakens my ability to deal with things well. Also, Carl and I have hardly seen each other lately because of both of us being extra busy. The house feels overrun with piles of intentions and the dumping grounds from the activities of the week. So today is a day to breathe a bit and put things back into some semblance of order so that I feel like I have room to breathe. It isn’t that I need a pristine house. I just need to feel like not every single corner and surface is covered with items tossed there by others who are zooming off to their next thing. And I need it to not be me doing all of the cleaning. 

Anyway, now for the better update. One day, Amy wanted the American Girl dolls to have a playdate. Sarah was grumpy as she woke from a nap so the timing wasn’t ideal. Sarah took her doll and knocked into Amy’s dolls. Amy was extremely upset and took her dolls to the hospital for treatment. Later, Sarah went to apologize, but instead a repeat yelling moment occurred. Sarah said she wanted to play doll dominoes. Amy was irate and swore she would never speak to Sarah or play with Sarah ever again in her life. . . . . . .  After lunch, Amy attempted to play a new board game in a Sarah-friendly way and suggested they could play book dominoes, helping to set up a line of books to be toppled. 

Yesterday Sarah and Amy were at a playground of sorts. Called Ruin Park by some friends, this play area is really an empty lot where people bring toys they no longer want. The kids came home dusty, tired, and ready for showers. I asked Sarah if I could wash her clothes and she easily put them in the hamper. This may seem like normal behavior that one would expect from anyone, but if you know Sarah and her passion for her outfit of choice, you know this is a miracle. Later, without us knowing, she emptied the dryer (onto the floor) and used the stool from her room to give her the boost she needed to fully empty the washer into the dryer, and she started the dryer. While I was slightly concerned at first because there are some items that need to hang dry, this was still a wonderfully independent achievement. 

Watching the Olympics has rekindled an interest in gymnastics. Amy orchestrated a gymnastics competition between Sarah, Amy, and Amy’s doll Joss. The other American Girl dolls and I had to be judges. While I don’t like the pressure to rank the contestants, it is great to see them enjoying the activity.

I took the girls for the annual appointments with the eye doctor. They both have perfect vision, but have enjoyed wearing non-prescription play glasses all week. 

May you have space for you to be you in all ways.