One morning Sarah came to breakfast, sipped her hot chocolate, and said, “I’m going to heat it up a little bit. It’s not very warm at all.” I’m not sure why that was so endearing, but it was. Something about all of her little word choices that made up such a complete expression.
Another day, Sarah filled out a pretend doctor’s form created by Anna. Sarah put a drawing of musical notes for her gender. I love that so much. If anyone is a musical note it is Sarah.
Carl and I went to our first party since the world closed for Covid-19. It was an outdoor dance party with masks, social distancing, and limited attendance. We went with some good friends so it was extra wonderful, but it was coooold. I think it was 52 degrees, which is cold for me. I wore my winter coat the whole time. Before we left I was talking to Sarah about what I should wear. She loved it when I snuggled next to her and told her to keep me warm. She suggested I wear my snow boots. I demurred but said I would probably wish I had followed her suggestion. I really did wish that. My toes were cold all night, but it was still wonderful. And how many people go to dance parties and wear their winter coat and mittens the whole time? It was truly a moment to remember.
I don’t have much more to say about the week. For many days I had been in a groove of being able to actively listen and give room for all sorts of big feelings that the kids had. That felt great and effective. Then, as always happens, there was a moment when I just really didn’t have the internal room. The problem with such moments is that I feel like I fall back into my old neural pathways for responding and I’m grumpy, put-upon, and short-tempered. Then it feels like turning a barge through sludge to get back to where I had just been before. I’m working to compassionately clear my backlog of tight feelings so I can return to giving the loving attention I had been providing. Luckily, despite moments of feeling like a bad mom, everyone still seems to be existing and even thriving and even loving me.
This morning I got to enjoy a light first breakfast in bed while doing a crossword puzzle, followed by a second breakfast of a chocolate-chip waffle downstairs. Next to the waffle were 14 Playdoh treats and a playdoh cupcake with 10 sprinkles, thus denoting the kids’ ages. Amy’s card included a drawing of the Tiny Chef, Sarah’s card was made with assistance from Amy, but Sarah drew the musical notes herself. Carl made a special crossword puzzle just for me. So, the day has started off well. The big plan for the rest of the day, at my request, is a basement cleaning party. Party is perhaps a stretch of terminology, but hopefully it will be a fun and productive way to spend the day together. It’s not that I want to clean the basement, but I would really enjoy having it clean and that requires participation from all.
I hope you have a day where you feel celebrated for who you are, whether that is as a mother in some way or not.
No comments:
Post a Comment