May 30: Impeccable Timing and Large Scoops of Chocolate

Sarah likes to create delicious ice cream sundaes with loads of chocolate chips on top. Sometimes she goes a bit overboard. Carl and I suggested that she use a small scoop that would help with getting a reasonable portion. Sarah proceeded to select a scoop… the 1 cup measuring cup! That is bigger than her whole dish of ice cream! We were all cracking up.

Amy’s retainer has unfortunately disappeared. It seems impossible for it to have vanished in the short span of time that it did. She picked it up from the table to go up for bed, not putting the retainer in her mouth because she was about to brush her teeth. She picked up a few other items to carry to her room. And that is the last we know of the retainer! She is upset because she had been so careful overall and because now she has to have another mould made, and the process is uncomfortable and yucky tasting. We have looked high and low and every place that it could or couldn’t be, to no avail. 

Friday we drove up to our mountain house, and our timing was truly impeccable. We quickly encountered a backup on the highway, and we could see billowing clouds of black smoke ahead of us. Our timing was good in that we weren’t in the accident but also that we weren’t too far behind it so we weren’t backed up for miles. As we passed the throngs of emergency vehicles we could see the shell of a car that had burned except for the metal frame. There were people standing off to one side and we didn’t see ambulances so I am hoping everyone was ok. 

As we pulled into our driveway a deer that had been standing there bounded away. That’s when we noticed something small still in the driveway. It was a fawn! Looking at how damp and compressed it was and how it didn’t move at all, we realized it had just been born. After we had been inside for half an hour the doe must have returned because the fawn was gone. The next morning Amy and I saw a doe and fawn just outside her bedroom window! I didn’t have a way to take a picture because I knew if I moved I would miss the moment. Amy and I just hugged each other as we imploded from the cuteness. 

Sarah and Amy have been riding pretend horses, each sitting on one arm of the sofa. Sometimes they really have to work to keep their horses in line because they keep trying to eat the plants on the side of the path. Last night they went to camp and were floating in a lake made from blankets on the floor. Amy was trying some sophisticated swimming moves and kept getting water up her nose. 

Whenever we have raspberries, Amy likes to put one berry on each finger to represent each Weasley family member from Harry Potter. Carl just finished reading the last HP book to Amy. Our cat Olivia likes to participate in Amy’s witch life by parking herself on Amy’s witch hat. 

Sarah saw someone mowing a lawn recently and wanted to pretend to be that person so I got our old push mower out for her. She did several passes on our backyard.

My exciting news is that my conversation with an editor went well, so I signed a contract with her and submitted my manuscript to her for a read-though. The read-through will give me overall feedback and some samples of detailed editing. After that I will do the detailed editing process, but I wanted to get some feedback in short order. So far my tiny selection of readers have really liked what I have, but they are also people who know and love me. I chose them for readers because I felt safe giving them my work. Not that this invalidates their opinion of my book, but I did know they would be interested in my words! I’m curious about the response of someone who doesn’t know me at all. 

May you have unplanned impeccable timing and large scoops for your chocolate chips.

May 23: Cooperative Games and Earnest Songs

We are back to in-person Sarah-Rise sessions with Sc!! These session include Amy, as they have for years. It is beyond wonderful to have Sc in person even though the FaceTime sessions were impressively effective. Last Tuesday they spent the whole time outside with sidewalk chalk, cauldrons, and brooms. 

Last Sunday Sarah participated in a virtual piano recital and did as beautifully as always. Practicing piano is never her favorite thing, and she resists mightily if I attempt to help or steer her practice in any way. She will practice, but she will only play what she wants to play. Her teacher creatively and kindly continues to find ways to teach her new songs. Once Sarah is in the groove with a song that is the only thing she will practice. This is especially noticeable after a recital, which is the time most kids stop playing their recital pieces and move on to something new. Not Sarah. She is on a roll with “Tucker’s Secret Life” and will sing along about that “big dog boogie” every day when she practices for her 5 minutes. I do love her earnest singing.

Sarah received her first Pfizer covid-19 vaccine on Wednesday and had no side effects. She handled the whole process like a pro, following me easily through the maze of arrows, signs, and people. 

Yesterday Carl participated in an all-day bike race that went well but was intense. The girls and I had a lovely relaxed day including snuggles, a nap, fruit smoothy milkshakes, making beaded bracelets with supplies from Grandma, an outdoor playdate, the sprinkler, and playing The Secret Door. The Secret Door is a cooperative memory game where you are hoping to avoid turning over clock cards. Since Sarah loves clocks and loves pretend things going wrong, we had a great time saying “Oh dear” every time one of us revealed a clock.

As I write, Sarah and I are outside. She is enjoying the bubble machine which pumps out bubbles at a fast and generous rate. Sarah is singing, “bubbles here, bubbles there, bubbles up, bubbles down, bubbles bubbles all around.” I’m not sure if she made that up or not. 

Carl and Amy are away for a Girl Scout horseback riding adventure. When they return I’m sure we will play more rounds of The Secret Door and perhaps a few games of Zombie Kids. Zombie Kids is another cooperative game, and it has the option to evolve in complexity the more you play. The players are kids clearing zombies out of their school. Amy keeps track of the complexity and helps guide the rest of us each time we play. 

May 16: Funny Sarah Moments and Sarah's Best Friend

Imagine if you will…

I calmly tell Sarah that I have a question and if the answer is no that is totally ok and I will respect her wishes. “Could I wash your musical note shirt and pajama pants that you have been wearing for a long time? You could wear the matching shirt.”

Instead of just saying no and trusting that I will heed her words, she yells loudly in protest that I dare suggest such a thing.

Days later… Anna in some way asks about washing Sarah’s 24/7 wardrobe and Sarah somehow conveys: But of course, you merely had to ask.

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Another moment of note…

Sarah one morning, screaming repeatedly to Amy, “Wake up!!”

I encourage her to come to my room and snuggle with Carl while I get up to start the day. Sarah gets in bed next to Carl, promptly closes her eyes, and whispers “good night.”

She asks me to close the door on my way out.

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We are currently in the last few precious hours of an in-person visit with Mom-Mom. The girls dearly love having Conversations with Mom-Mom, involving snuggles and play. They have pretended to be in the hospital or on the way to the hospital. They have also been waitresses and chefs in a restaurant, making pretend food from Model Magic (a type of modeling clay). It is amazing to me how, after so many months of not being together, it instantly feels normal to be together in person. It is as if no time had passed, except for the fact that Amy grew 3 inches since Mom-Mom last saw her. 

Over the years I have consistently been impressed by how often solutions to my problems are forthcoming as soon as I share my predicaments with others. I decided to trust that the same sort of magic that led to finding volunteers and solutions to problems would work to help me find a professional editor for my book. It turns out that a friend of our sitter C is an editor. I will speak with her on May 25 to see if we are a good match, but I love her website and the book that she wrote about her own life. So I’m feeling hopeful and once again supported after declaring my wishes to others.

Sarah filled out a questionnaire created by Anna and Sarah’s answer about her best friend warms my heart. The page is All About Sarah. In Sarah’s words..

my favorite color is pink 

my family is dad, mom, and amy

my best friend is Amy

my favorite toy is the goodnight moon house.

Lots of love to all of you. May solutions to your problems be easily forthcoming.

May 9: Warming What Is Cold and Reconnecting to How I Want to Be

 One morning Sarah came to breakfast, sipped her hot chocolate, and said, “I’m going to heat it up a little bit. It’s not very warm at all.” I’m not sure why that was so endearing, but it was. Something about all of her little word choices that made up such a complete expression.

Another day, Sarah filled out a pretend doctor’s form created by Anna. Sarah put a drawing of musical notes for her gender. I love that so much. If anyone is a musical note it is Sarah. 

Carl and I went to our first party since the world closed for Covid-19. It was an outdoor dance party with masks, social distancing, and limited attendance. We went with some good friends so it was extra wonderful, but it was coooold. I think it was 52 degrees, which is cold for me. I wore my winter coat the whole time. Before we left I was talking to Sarah about what I should wear. She loved it when I snuggled next to her and told her to keep me warm. She suggested I wear my snow boots. I demurred but said I would probably wish I had followed her suggestion. I really did wish that. My toes were cold all night, but it was still wonderful. And how many people go to dance parties and wear their winter coat and mittens the whole time? It was truly a moment to remember.

I don’t have much more to say about the week. For many days I had been in a groove of being able to actively listen and give room for all sorts of big feelings that the kids had. That felt great and effective. Then, as always happens, there was a moment when I just really didn’t have the internal room. The problem with such moments is that I feel like I fall back into my old neural pathways for responding and I’m grumpy, put-upon, and short-tempered. Then it feels like turning a barge through sludge to get back to where I had just been before. I’m working to compassionately clear my backlog of tight feelings so I can return to giving the loving attention I had been providing. Luckily, despite moments of feeling like a bad mom, everyone still seems to be existing and even thriving and even loving me. 

This morning I got to enjoy a light first breakfast in bed while doing a crossword puzzle, followed by a second breakfast of a chocolate-chip waffle downstairs. Next to the waffle were 14 Playdoh treats and a playdoh cupcake with 10 sprinkles, thus denoting the kids’ ages. Amy’s card included a drawing of the Tiny Chef, Sarah’s card was made with assistance from Amy, but Sarah drew the musical notes herself. Carl made a special crossword puzzle just for me. So, the day has started off well. The big plan for the rest of the day, at my request, is a basement cleaning party. Party is perhaps a stretch of terminology, but hopefully it will be a fun and productive way to spend the day together. It’s not that I want to clean the basement, but I would really enjoy having it clean and that requires participation from all. 

I hope you have a day where you feel celebrated for who you are, whether that is as a mother in some way or not. 

May 2: In-Person Visits and Academic Achievements!

We are in the midst of a wonderful in-person, unmasked visit with Grammy and Granddad! This is the first time we have seen them in person since Christmas 2019!!! I am already sad about the visit being over even though it isn’t quite over yet. 

Yesterday we completed a jigsaw puzzle with many cats, with Amy participating much more than usual. We went for a walk and I was stunned that Sarah easily, even eagerly, consented to do so. Grammy figured out how to make the Goodnight Moon game riotously funny and competitive, which is not the usual scenario for the easy game. We also played multiple rounds of Zombie Kids, Amy’s favorite board game. I highly recommend it. The kid characters work together to eliminate zombies from their school. It has evolving levels of difficulty that require mental gymnastics and a good memory, but it can also stay at an easy Sarah level. This morning Amy dressed as one of the kid characters, with a staff and cape.

Earlier in the week, Amy got to have an in-person outdoor visit with M. The last time they saw each other, Amy was 8 (she is now 10) and was 4 inches shorter than she is now. M is our SR volunteer who has been Amy’s person for the past several years so that I could have SR time with Sarah. M feels like a fairy godmother or bonus grandmother. Upon learning that she would get to see M, Amy’s joy filled her being. We have so many amazingly supportive and wonderful people in our lives, but M is the only grown-up that Amy doesn’t have to share with Sarah. To have someone give Amy an hour of undivided, enthusiastic attention is deeply meaningful. 

Sarah has started singing the words to the book Goodnight Moon. It is so sweet and earnest. 

Sarah finished reading an easy chapter book she borrowed from Amy. It is a Dr. Kitty Cat book called Clover the Bunny. Inspired by Amy’s school writing assignment and with Anna’s help, Sarah wrote a paragraph about the book! Anna prompted Sarah with questions and helped with making complete sentences, but really this was driven by Sarah. She wrote, “I liked reading clover the bunny. At the beginning the animals had paw pox! Paw pox maks you paws itchy. The cik [sick] animals had to miss the camping trip.” Sarah even looked in the book, unprompted, to learn how to spell paw pox!! I continue to be floored by how Sarah’s mind functions when she is with Anna, with academic ability that I didn’t know she had. 

Anna made a blank doctor’s form for Sarah to complete because Sarah loves pretending to go to the doctor. Sarah’s answers were adorable and point out how often she copies text to practice her writing. Where the form said “Name” Sarah wrote “Sarah” but for “Address” Sarah wrote “Address.” For “phone number” she wrote “phone number.” She wrote her date of birth as a math equation that isn’t at all her birthday but is an adorable answer, “3+3=2017.” Her “reason for visit” was “reason for visit.” I cannot stand the adorableness!

I have had two tiny miraculous moments of starting to beat up on myself mentally/emotionally for not handling something better, but then stopping myself! I affirmed that actually I couldn’t have known how things would go so there is no need to feel bad. It was amazing to feel the physical pull into woe and reverse it mid-droop.

May you experience delighted focused attention that helps you reach your fullest potential. (And remember, shh, that that attention could be provided by yourself.)