I have been experimenting with really coming in close to Sarah when she gets upset. I don’t always have the mental or emotional space within myself to do this, but when I do it seems helpful. I verbally acknowledge what Sarah is feeling and say that those feelings are ok. Sometimes she gives a quiet “ok” that feels like I hit the mark. I nudge her face with my face as if I’m being a cat saying “I love you.” There was one day where I was more playful with her too, hamming up my own concern about the situation and so she vacillated between laughter and tears.
It always feels good to me when I don’t push Sarah’s intense screamy feelings away. There certainly were moments where I realized my open attention was shrinking and I called Carl in for reinforcement. What has been crystal clear is that giving myself time alone to feel my feelings and shed tears if needed really helps me be who I want to be with Sarah and Amy. It is as if I have a new palette of responses available and clearer insight without effort. The effort is in noticing when my own load is accumulating and clearing that.
All of that said, I confess to an under-layer of hoping that eventually Sarah will have gotten all of her screams out and will achieve a new level of calm flexibility. When she was very young she hated taking medicine via a syringe. After a long and intense crying session about it, something shifted and she has been a pro ever since, taking any medicine easily.
Amy has been having feelings too, mainly pertaining to school. She has handled this whole past year so resiliently and gracefully, but I imagine it has been harder for her than we maybe realized. Usually she is someone who loves school, but with her current hybrid situation of in-person school two days a week and fully virtual school 3 days a week, she doesn’t look forward to her school week. The in-person days are a blend of doing the usual virtual work and doing some things live as a group, which means it takes her longer to do the virtual assignments. This feels like a burden and she compares her speed to those around her who finish sooner. When I offer the option of going all virtual again she adamantly refuses.
Amy's school now requires her to attend work-time zooms on her virtual days. This means she has to wait to do her work but doesn’t feel connected to anyone because they are all doing their individual assignments. I am frustrated that the school thinks this is a good solution. I wonder if there are other kids similarly miserable about the new zooms. Amy has never been one to dread the end of a weekend and now she does. I can only hope that the next school year will be better, but I have begun to realize it may not be five day in-person school.
We are looking forward to an outdoor visit with Grandma, Grandpa, Sonia, and Sonia’s partner today. It is exciting to have warmer weather and to have more completely vaccinated family members.
I ordered an apron that looks like the one Tiny Chef wears. Sarah likes to wear it while cooking mush, and she calls everything she makes mush, even if it is soy milk with frozen blueberries heated on the stove. Meanwhile, she is now wearing her new musical note shirt custom made by Grandma. The color difference between her old shirt and the new one is striking. They are made with identical fabric but the one she has worn 24/7 for umpteen weeks has yellowed. Hopefully this new shirt will allow me to wash her garments more frequently and with less upset.
May you all have space and a kind ear for your feelings.
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