September 27: Roller Skates and Musical Note Everything

 It’s all about the lens through which I view things. This week (again) felt difficult many a time. I became quite aware of the refrain in my head of “I should have… If only I…. How did I not think of….How stupid of me….” It’s really rather exhausting. At least if I’m noticing those voices then maybe I can get them to change their tune. 

Then I looked at some of the pictures from our week and remembered how many wonderful things happened too. The girls got their roller skates and have used them many times, while wearing knee pads, elbow pads, wrist guards, and helmets. I was not permitted to put bubble wrap around them and Amy was clearly better off without my “help.” Most practice sessions happened with Anna or Carl. 

There are so many moments when I can focus on the glaring discrepancy between where I thought I would be with a 13 year old and where we actually are. I go through all of the stages of grief in a nano-second. Seemingly at the same moment I can remember to be in awe of Sarah, especially compared to the early struggles when so much was unknown. The question is, if crawling used to seem laughably impossible and now that same child is independently learning to roller skate, then why do I feel that academic prowess or learning to wait easily will never be attained? 

Sarah always wants everything to be in a musical note pattern (despite screaming in protest every time I mention the idea of practicing piano). The staff perfectly combines her love of stripes and dots. She wants a musical note house. She has repeatedly asked for a musical note shirt. Carl’s mom made Sarah the most wonderful matching musical note shirt and shorts. As I sat on the couch to view the new garments, I progressively slid towards the floor as I was ever more in awe of the little touches that showed such attentive care towards making Sarah’s dream a reality. Sarah loves to talk about shiny buttons and Grandma added the shiniest of sparkly buttons to the shirt. There is a black stripe down the side of the shorts! Now Sarah can wear all musical notes from her mask to her clothes to her backpack. All she needs are socks and sneakers to match!

Amy made lockers for their schools days at fairy school (which was also real school). For three days I managed to pack lunches and then I questioned my sanity at thinking that was a good idea. One of the best parts of remote schooling is not having to pack a bleepin’ lunch! So for Thursday and Friday they got their lunches in the “cafeteria.” 

Amy’s braces were tightened on Friday so she was a sad cat with a sore mouth for a few meals. She was less miserable than for past tightenings because this time I remembered to give her Advil right away and I also served the same soup and mushy food for all of us so she didn’t feel deprived and envious of what others were eating. 

May you have kind voices in your head and around you. 

September 20: Remote schooling sagas and paper roller-skate wheels

It was quite a miniature saga to get Sarah’s login information and Chrome book for school. Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth to her school. Asking, asking, asking, asking, asking for the full login information and so many times only being given half of what I needed. Finally getting all of the details, only to discover how much Chrome books suck, at least for zoom meetings. What about the families that don’t have someone with the flexibility to make multiple trips to the school or the option of using other technology?! 

I took Sarah to school for her school picture. She saw the other kids at a distance and wanted to be there in person. Cue my self doubt about my choice to keep her home! And yet, I know I would worry so much more about every stray cough or sniffle or malaise if she was in school. And yet… I still doubt and wonder what choice to make for the next quarter.

Amy’s schooling is going relatively well, although she has times of crying about how it would be so much easier in person. She feels isolated in her room and is tired of doing so much on a screen and she feels distracted in her room. She deeply misses seeing her BFF in person. Often she mightily resists any notion of being cat twins with Sarah, despite Sarah’s eagerness to do so. Last night after many tears about school and friends, Amy excitedly pointed out that she and Sarah were cat pajama twins. For all of the frustrations, I think it really helps Amy to have Sarah at home. Tomorrow we will experiment by having Amy attend school at the dining room table and having Sarah there too. I will pack their lunches and maybe they will pack their backpacks. 

Anna did tons of amazing math practice with Sarah. They made a number line on our stairs and filled out many pages of activities and equations that they created together. I haven’t ever seen Sarah so eager to practice math that isn’t a computer program. 

Anna took the girls to the library one afternoon and Amy got some graphic novels about Roller Girl. She then created Roller Club and made paper wheels to go on their shoes so they could pretend to roller skate. I have ordered actual roller skates and protective gear, but we don’t yet have the skates. I hope this is a good idea! I loved my own roller skates, but that was me taking the risk of falling rather than watching my precious babies! 

Sarah and I are still often in our well-worn groove of clashing with each other. I am weary of it. I am working to turn this truck and focus on each little moment where she actually does listen easily to what I say or doesn’t whine/yell. I also feel weary of the oft-repeated play scenarios that usually have been a source of connection and snuggle. It only works when I’m not tired of doing them for the millionth time. We did have a fun moment yesterday when she was pretending to gasp in shock repeatedly. Her expressions and gasps were truly hilarious. 

Sarah and Carl had some fun times pretending that colored pencils were exploding fries, inspired by a commercial during a basket ball game. She also helped him assemble an outdoor heater so that we can keep having safely distanced porch meals with Carl’s sister and parents even as the weather gets cooler. I think this is the year that Carl saved Thanksgiving! If it’s not too cold or precipitating, we can actually be together. 

May your paper wheels stay on!

September 13: A difficult week, a super amazing helper, and laughing a lot

 This week has felt heavy and hard and as if anything I’ve ever figured out regarding Sarah is no longer accessible within me. Sarah seems to be having a harder time too with much more screaming and upset than even her usual amounts. Maybe this is because her remote schooling started. It was extremely minimal with just one 40 minute zoom per day with her teacher and an activity sheet. The first day was fine. The second day she didn’t want anything to do with the activity sheet even though she hadn’t even looked at it. Carl had amazing patience and kindness and space for her feelings and to also help her do the sheet so she was ready for the zoom. Then we had Anna (previously referred to as sitter A, now fully named with permission to do so) come early enough to help Sarah with the activity sheet and the zooms for the remaining two days of the week. Certainly with Amy we have noticed times of intense feelings when she sees someone she hasn’t seen in a long time or with school assignments feeling difficult. I hope that similar dynamics are behind Sarah’s extra screamy protests. I also hope I can regain my energy to really have more space and love to give Sarah. I know I will, but I want it NOW. There are times when it is so easy and fun to do and other times when I despair over the repetitiveness and I just don’t have anything left within me except sadness and grumpiness. I know we will both regain our groove together and we have had many moments of ease mixed with the mess. It just all feels extra frustrating and unfair because I had a good 3 weeks where I really was letting her screaming pass over my ears with no upset on my part. I was so calm! I was handling things differently and it seemed to be helping! I didn’t write about it because I didn’t want to jinx it. And yet I still lost my new groove.

The activity sheet that Sarah did with Carl was actually really great. I love her answers so much.

1. If you could go anywhere in the world where would you go? German restaurant at Disney World

2. If you were stranded on a desert island, what three things would you want to take with you? Smooches (stuffed animal), swimsuit, a house.

3. If you could eat only one food for the rest of your life what would it be? Chicken

4. If you won a million dollars what is the first thing you would buy? Ice cream

5. If you could spend the day with one fictional character who would it be? Elephant and Piggie (Mo Willems books)

6. If you found a magic lantern and a genie gave you three wishes what would they be? A musical note house, shorts with a stripe down the side, and no more Covid-19.

Carl and I decided that it makes sense to have Anna here for longer periods of time and not just for when I am working outside of the house. For one thing, I am struggling to manage everything. For another thing, Sarah doesn’t scream and resist things like school activities or washing her beloved clothing or anything else when it is Anna who suggests it. Anna has been doing amazing math games with Sarah. Knowing Anna is coming, I feel myself breathe more easily and I’m sure Sarah feels the same way. I have guilt about being able to afford this help when I know so many families are struggling just as much if not more than we are and can’t afford the help. And yet, muscling through more struggle for the sake of my equal share of struggle doesn’t actually help anyone. And having Anna here more often is increasing the Sarah-Rise time immensely.

A few years ago when I was accompanying Sarah to gymnastics, I observed one of the teachers and thought, “someone is really going to love that person a lot.” After observing more I thought, “that person is really fun and good with kids.” Then I asked if they would be interested in babysitting. After one of their first times babysitting, we discovered the tiny construction-paper cat-themed drum set complete with foot pedal that they created. We were dumbfounded. That person was Anna and it is our family (among many other people) that really loves them a lot. I am still often dumbfounded by Anna’s extraordinary amazingness and that we are so lucky to have them as part of our family. 

One of Sarah’s new favorite additions to our ever evolving snuggle-time is to say that that Anna’s car will make a “boop boop” sound when Anna locks it. Then we make up many different sounds that the car will not make. It will not go shoop shoop de bop bop. It will not go droop droop. It will not go smeepity beep! Sarah also likes to ask what time Anna is arriving and what they will say to each other (Dr. Ridge is in the house! Dr. Tie-Dye is in the house! Dr. Ridge is a mouse!). She has been telling me the weather will be on the cool side Monday, because if it is not hot then Anna will wear their tie-dye pants. (Previously, when Anna wore overalls, Sarah protested and said it was too hot for overalls. She really wanted Anna to wear a certain pair of shorts.)

This week Amy wanted to use her non-school time to be at Monster High. She used hair-chalk to make her hair red and she drew washable stitches on one doll, made vampire teeth for another, and made werewolf ears for a third. When they had a party, our actual monster stuffed-animal was the DJ. 

Yesterday we watched Andrew’s Big Show as a half-birthday zoom celebration for Amy. Andrew is a professional clown with whom I attended high school. Many people told me that they didn’t remember the last time they laughed so hard or so long. That was certainly true for me. If you are interested in a show…www.andrewsbigshow.com 

I hope you are breathing easily (especially if you are where the world is literally on fire) and that you have your groove or someone to help you until you regain it. May you laugh long and loud and be surrounded by amazing people.

Thanks for listening.

September 6: Screaming appointments, important shorts, and Disaster-pieces

 Remember how Sarah doesn’t want me to wash her favorite clothing? Apparently, sitter A asked about washing them when they had their sleepover last weekend and Sarah said yes! And they washed them!

It seems that every time I cross something off the list in terms of an appointment for Sarah, the need for two more appear. We saw an ENT for her left ear and how it is showing as blocked with audiology readings. The ENT did an xray to look at her adenoids and said they seemed fine. She is already on flonase for a couple of weeks to see if that will help dry things out so her ear can balance the pressure for itself. Next is a follow-up in six months with audiology and with the hearing center at the children’s hospital, for which I need a referral. Six months gives me plenty of time to make the required calls, but I find making calls to be one of the trickier things to do these days. So simple and yet sometimes so elusive to remember to call during business hours when the kids are quiet and I’m not working. 

Sarah’s visit to the ENT was fraught with lots of screaming and upset on her part. She left the house wearing a pair of jean shorts sitter A gave her. Sarah loves wearing these shorts, but I didn’t realize that when we got to the doctor’s office she would then decide she desperately needed her beloved corduroy shorts. I stayed remarkably calm (you know that isn’t always my forte) and the doctor and nurses were all kind and calm too. They gave Sarah a small stuffed animal and she then brought it with her the next day when we went to get blood work for her neurologist (re her hand tremor, just to see if all levels of things are good). For the blood work she wore her corduroy shorts and we had no trouble. She didn’t even get upset with the needle being in her arm. 

Distance learning for Amy continues to go relatively well, although this coming week is who-knows-what and the real-deal-full-on-academics-this-is-really-school starts on September 14. On many days she has big feelings about assignments being too hard and/or pointless and how different it would be if she were there in person. To help, I have been doing some of her assignments really really badly first, so she knows she can’t possibly do a worse drawing than I did. It always feels good to see her relieved laughter emerge after her tears. She calls my creations disasterpieces. 

Sarah’s distance learning starts on Tuesday. I have cleared my morning, but we have no idea if it will be like the spring schooling or not. I have noticed that every time I get a school communication about needing to sign up for a time to do a thing and go to a school or manage anything new, my knee-jerk response is of slight panic and stress. I have to remind myself that I can actually handle scheduling things and figuring out new systems. As with so many things, so simple and yet so seemingly unsimple at first. 

Amy often feels very strongly about getting her American Girl dolls dressed correctly for something and that she wants to match them. I wonder if this is in part a reaction to this whole distance learning business. This is one thing she can control and these dolls are her classmates and friends. Recently some friends of mine gave us American Girl doll things, such as bunk beds, a wheel chair, crutches, beach gear and camping gear, and some clothing. Amy promptly cut the legs off of the maroon pants so that Sarah’s doll could have shorts that match Sarah’s shorts. Sarah especially loves pushing her doll in the wheel chair. Yesterday Amy’s doll came to the beach with her new towel and then joined us around the campfire with her own small water bottle and s’mores. The doll also wore her new sparkly sneakers, curtesy of Grammy. 

The girls now can do Facetime from their ipods. We may have created a Sarah-monster, although she also only has access to her ipod for short time periods. Amy can text and email too, but we haven’t gotten that working for Sarah yet. 

Sitter A helped the girls create a game of Pin the (musical) Note on the Staff. Sarah now loves creating more staffs and more notes. We haven’t yet actually played the game as a game.