February 23

Mornings went well this week. Sleeping is going well, with everyone in their own rooms. Friday was interesting with tears on both ends. Amy was distressed Friday morning as she tried to come up with the perfect Baker outfit for her school’s Career Day. Eventually she settled for a white shirt, black pants, and an apron (and face) dusted with flour and cacao powder. 

On Tuesday Sarah evidently got the idea that she wanted her room to be polka dotted and she wanted to make it so with Sc. I ordered dot decals that are made for just that purpose. They were due to arrive Friday. When Sarah came home Friday afternoon the dots had not arrived. She had a big cry about this for 20 minutes, at which point the truck arrived and the package of dots was put into my hands! I suggested she could put the dots on her walls during her time with G, which was starting in a minute. She declined, saying she would wait until Tuesday and do it with Sc. One might ask why it was then so important that she have the dots if she wasn’t going to use them, but no answer would be forthcoming. Because of her upset, she didn’t have her usual after-school snack. She didn’t ask for one and I didn’t think to bring her one. Perhaps that is what led to her next upset about half an hour later. She was wanting to change clothes and desperately wanted her new Gymkhana t-shirt. The one I had just washed. The one that was wet.  Massive tears again. This time Amy went for snacks, but it took a while for Sarah to adjust to wearing something different. This is the second session with G. in which Sarah needed to have a big cry and G. and I both listened to her. Both times it has felt incredibly helpful to have G. there by my side. It helps me give Sarah space and time. It helps me remember that nothing is more important, especially during the time that is designated as Sarah-Rise time. That is her time. Yesterday Sarah had another big crying session while Carl and I listened to her. It always feels good when I have the space within me to give her attentive room, not needing to change anything or fix anything.

Part of what helped recently with being at ease with Sarah’s tears, and sticking with my decisions that were causing the tears, were my mom’s words from 7 years ago. She told me then that I didn’t need to let a five year old run the house. Right. So I have been reminding myself that a 12 year old doesn’t get to run the house. I get to make some decisions and stick to them and she gets to have her feelings.

I came across my mom’s words of wisdom because I am writing a book about Sarah. I have wanted to do so for years and every time I would start or even contemplate it I would feel like I was drowning in overwhelm. This time around I realized that the problem was not knowing whose story I was telling. I think I kept trying to tell my story. Or to have my words help and inspire any parent with any child similar to Sarah. Once I clarified that my purpose is to tell Sarah’s story then it became easier and more streamlined. It can still feel overwhelming and I still don’t know how exactly it will all take shape, but I am clear about my first steps of gleaning usable passages from past updates and from the session notes I used to have my volunteers write after each session. How I had completely forgotten about session notes when they were such a huge part of our life is beyond me but true. I was initially planning on keeping my writing venture a secret in case I fall on my face, but then I realized I would rather have the good energy of all of you picturing me doing this and maybe that will help it come to fruition. 

May you have all the space and time you need for your feelings.