November 24

I love to read, but often I don’t immerse myself in a book because then I don’t want to do anything else except read. It is a tricky balance. I just started Where The Crawdads Sing and I really don’t want to put it down. 

I’ve been thinking often about the relationship between Sarah and me, especially when we have our hard times. I have often read the reminder that a child is having a hard time rather than giving someone else a hard time. I totally appreciate that and believe it. But what I wish was also part of that sentence is the honoring that maybe the grown up is also having a hard time. Because when things are really hard I have so little slack to somehow gain the upper ground. I’m just as lost in my own overload as Sarah is, though we may be overloaded by different and interacting things. We had a hard time yesterday. It only lasted a couple of minutes, but it was intensely hard and I was my worst self. I rallied after the height of trouble had passed and we had a wonderful time of close connection that felt very Sarah-Risey. My only goal was to connect well and somehow erase when I was awful. We did connect well. I felt inspired to have that as my only goal ever. And yet, just as with my easier desire to read all the time, the rest of life exists too and I find my adherence to my goal slipping. I can love and appreciate my passion to be here solely for Sarah. I can also feel riotously begrudging that somehow that is asked of me (even if I am doing the asking), because what about me having the rest of my life? I know that most of the time there is a good balance. I know that when I really focus on connecting with her then I feel better and things go better. It is also hard to keep up all the time or even just on demand when my best self might be needed with little advanced notice. This is all a jumble to say that Sarah is my heart and soul and I pour so much into her and am so glad to have her in my life. And, this is so hard sometimes!!! So so so hard. Did I mention that this is hard? And that sometimes I’m a really awful mom? Sometimes I’m amazing and sometimes I’m really not.

We went to see Frozen 2 as a family yesterday. This was the first time we have watched a full movie in a theater all together. Sarah did need to have a break in the middle of the most intense scene, but was mostly attentive and quiet the rest of the time, which is rather amazing. 

Sarah did beautifully with swimming and gymnastics this week. Her piano recital last weekend went wonderfully and some of the what I predicted didn’t happen. She stayed in her seat for almost the whole recital. She was mostly quiet, aside from announcing loudly at one point that she was ready to go to Coldstone for ice cream. 

This morning I realized that Amy never learned to braid. Neither has Sarah, but I’m less concerned about that. So I taught Amy to braid and she made a friendship bracelet. 

Amy is at a wonderful age and stage of being loving. She tells me daily that she loves me soooo much and she gives me giant hugs.

I no longer pick up clothes from the girls’ floor. I will put away clean laundry and I will pickup after people in other rooms, but not theirs. This takes great restraint, but feels like a good starting point for all of us.