December 9

The week has felt frustrating regarding Sarah getting ready for school in the morning or going to get Amy in the afternoon. Sarah was more resistant about it than she has been in a while. I started to feel like Scrooge or the Grinch, just hating Christmas because that is what she is asking about and wanting all the time, instead of doing what needs to be done. Yesterday also felt rough between us. It was extremely difficult to get her out of the bath and my hearing may have been damaged due to her volume. In response to such loud screaming I picked her up out of the tub and tweaked something in my back. It feels fine today but at the time it didn’t help the situation. It always feels extra frustrating when I observe myself as if from a far, disliking what is coming out of my mouth or my actions but feeling almost like it isn’t me and that I’m powerless to change it once it is set in motion. There are times when I feel like I’m throwing an ongoing resistant tantrum about her and the fact that she has a developmental delay/disability/special needs, however you want to describe it. It is as if I’m fighting my life and unfortunately it manifests through fighting her and having less room for her usual questions or ways of being. As Elephant and Piggie would say, “We will try again!” Today is a new day, this week is a new week, and so far so good. It helps that we have nowhere to be for a few hours so it is a relaxed morning.

There were some notable highlights from the week. At our neighborhood holiday party, Sarah worked on a jigsaw puzzle by herself and got some pieces in place. We don’t know how much of the puzzle was completed before she sat down to work on it, but those have never been her forte so it is exciting that she wanted to do it. The holiday party was also the easiest yet, with both girls being fairly independent and playing in the kids’ room on their own. I made cupcakes for the party but didn’t bring a dinner item for Sarah, assuming there would be options that she could have. Technically yes, there were things she could have eaten, but most she wouldn’t have wanted. I was starting to feel worried and like I had messed up by not bringing a hot dog for her when my friend set down a container of hummus with some pita! Whew! Thank goodness. This was a good reminder never to assume and always to come with a backup option for Sarah.

During her swim lesson, Sarah did the best floating with the calmest limbs that I have ever seen her do. Her new teacher seems to be quite effective with coaching her. We are still working on her not opening her mouth under water. As it is she has to spit out water every time she surfaces from the teacher moving her under the water. She looks sort of like a fountain when she spits.

For the past few months our upstairs bathroom has been mostly unusable while being redone. Friday night it became fully usable again! Normally Sarah doesn’t like baths and she especially doesn’t like showers. She manages, but there is often resistance to some degree, mainly about washing her hair. The new tub is deeper than our old one and makes bubbles. The girls loved it. They didn’t want to get out. Sarah especially didn’t want to get out. Carl said that washing her hair was even slightly easier given the movable hand-held shower head. After I recovered from her amount of screaming about getting out of the tub, I realized how amazing it was that her screaming is now about not wanting the bath to end. Throughout the rest of the day she kept asking when she could have another bath.

We got our Christmas tree yesterday. It was so cold that the girls just wanted to stay by the fire rather than help pick out a tree. Until it was time to go, and then they wanted to play. In past years, Sarah has decorated our trees a tiny bit but usually gives up after a few ornaments, perhaps out of frustration at the difficulty of getting them to stay. Or maybe she just got bored. I don’t know. Yesterday she participated and hung ornaments the whole time! When we were done she started taking ornaments off the tree and putting them on again, saying she wanted to try again. We have many branches with clusters of 5 or more ornaments. It was really lovely having the whole family decorating together the whole time. 

Amy received a treat this morning when our cat Olivia climbed into her lap and snuggled for several minutes. Amy loves cats immensely in general, but she specifically loves Olivia. We cannot leave for her school in the morning until she has given Olivia a goodbye snuggle. 

I get asked at least once a week if the girls are twins. Seeing them in front of the tree together with their matching haircuts and almost identical height, I completely understand the question. I doubt that anyone thinks they are identical twins, but I could certainly believe fraternal. People are then amazed to learn of the 4 years between them.

May you have some super awesome thing to balance any frustrations. If you are fighting your life, may you notice. If you have wonderful moments, may you notice. May you notice that you are loved.