September 30

This week Sarah has been testing boundaries. I didn’t originally see it that way. I saw it as supremely frustrating and I didn’t know how to make things better. Sarah has been purposefully doing the opposite of what we say or purposefully ignoring us. This isn’t new, but it seemed like someone turned up the volume knob on it. This morning, Carl helped me see that we could frame it as boundary testing and that maybe she is on the verge of a breakthrough. We know that when Carl was growing up he would sometimes be more challenging and contrary right before a developmental breakthrough. Looking at Sarah’s behavior that way helps me feel so much better about everything. Carl also had the idea that we could think about ways we can give her more independence or talk to her more about events and transitions before they occur. I had been in a mode of basically holding Sarah at arm’s length, not wanting to engage or really be with her because it felt so difficult. I felt like I couldn’t reach my Son-Rise mentality for all I was worth. Now, with my picture of Sarah reframed, I have renewed energy to be with her, a true desire to be present with her. When I give a massage, I always think that it begins right before I knock on the door. It is in that moment that I reconnect with my whole self. This morning when I went to tell Sarah that her ipod turn was done, I felt that same kind of preparation. I felt love for Sarah (rather than dread or annoyance) as I approached the door. I felt connected to my whole self. That felt so much better. Now to remember that my time with my children begins right before I am actually with them. It is about making that choice to love being with them rather than tolerating them. Making that choice is easier when I am fed, watered, and feel that all is not lost on the parenting front.

At school Sarah has been disruptive in a big way in computer class for two weeks in a row. Her teacher and I agree that it makes sense to reduce the amount of time she is spending in the regular classes so she has more time in the Resource Room, where she gets more one on one attention and can also just have a break and do sensory play. Up until this decision she has been attending many of the regular fourth grade classes for their duration, including sometimes two in a row. Considering that, wow!! Holy moly. I am amazed that Sarah could do that and still be doing as well as she is doing. I appreciate her teachers and school program so much that they have the flexibility to realize this may not be working for her and that they can adjust things accordingly. This is the reason we picked the St. Anthony school program. They adjust per child in a way that feels nurturing rather than pejorative. It is also a good reminder to allow for more SR time at home, whether in the SR room or not. It’s about the mentality of being with her, giving her full permission in my heart to be as repetitive as she needs to be or just really be her full self without my fighting it. 

Sometimes I fight who she is, my grief at who she might have been and how our life might have been tightening my parenting so that everything is miserable. She can be passionately stubborn and contrary and screamy and whiney. She can also be sparkly and funny and sweet and amazing. I know it isn’t just my parenting that leads to one mode or the other, but when I am more relaxed and playful that certainly helps. When I love her truly and actively delight in who she is, that makes a difference. This morning I am just marveling at how everything in me could shift so much when Carl helped me reframe the situation. That is Son-Rise. It is about changing how we think and how that can ripple through everything instantly. It’s not about forcing ourselves or faking things. It’s about reframing so we can remember our love for our kids, our selves, our life. I am continually amazed at how much hard work it takes to learn not to work so hard at things!

As I write all of this I find it funny that I’m not with her in this moment. I have had moments of interacting, some of which were easy and some of which needed a reminder to myself to stay present and light, not falling back into my old patterns and frustrations.

Grammy and Granddad are visiting this weekend. My tension around Sarah has certainly been present thus far, influencing how I view their time together, so I’m hoping that today and tomorrow can be easier all around. I’ve been aware of how loud Sarah is sometimes and how much she hasn’t responded to us asking her to be quieter or not climb all over her grandparents when they aren’t ready. I do know the girls had fun dancing to music and watching Grammy dance too. Sarah has also enjoyed playing in their van. 

This Tuesday I leave for a week in England for continued Alexander Technique training. I’m not sure if I will write next week or not. Thank you a million times over to all of the people making this trip possible.